how can i find my wife a male gay friend

Scaldy Ned

My Gay brother died a few years ago. My wife loved him to bits but i know that there's a gay guy out there somewhere that can fill a hole in her life and also probably his....how do i find my warm loving wife a warm loving male gay friend ?
Thanks all
Scaldy

_Redzer_

Scaldy Ned wrote: »

My Gay brother died a few years ago. My wife loved him to bits but i know that there's a gay guy out there somewhere that can fill a hole in her life and also probably his....how do i find my warm loving wife a warm loving male gay friend ?
Thanks all
Scaldy

He's not a dog you can replace with one of the same breed and expect to get more or less the same results

Mr Pseudonym

I think Queermart have deal on them. Make sure you keep the receipt, though.

Absoluvely

I know how your wife feels OP. My white electrician died last year and it was awful with all these black electricians thinking they could fulfill his role in my home.

If you really want your wife to have a gay male best friend, just start having sex with men. Problem solved.

WoollyRedHat

Put up an ad on Craigslist. The bastion of humanity and answer to all life's problems.

floggg

Absoluvely wrote: »

I know how your wife feels OP. My white electrician died last year and it was awful with all these black electricians thinking they could fulfill his role in my home.

If you really want your wife to have a gay male best friend, just start having sex with men. Problem solved.

I second that.

It would save some poor unfortunate gay men being inflicted with the both of you.

Seriously hope you are a troll.

eviltwin

Scaldy Ned wrote: »

My Gay brother died a few years ago. My wife loved him to bits but i know that there's a gay guy out there somewhere that can fill a hole in her life and also probably his....how do i find my warm loving wife a warm loving male gay friend ?
Thanks all
Scaldy

Sorry for the loss of your brother I feel for your wife who has obviously lost a good friend but I think its a disservice to your brother to bring the closeness of their relationship down to the fact that he was gay. No doubt he and your wife had a connection and its not fair on her to assume gay friend 2.0 will fill the gap. You can't create a friendship, it has to happen organically.

ewan whose army

Scaldy Ned wrote: »

My Gay brother died a few years ago. My wife loved him to bits but i know that there's a gay guy out there somewhere that can fill a hole in her life and also probably his....how do i find my warm loving wife a warm loving male gay friend ?
Thanks all
Scaldy

We aren't some fashion item, we are human beings.

If she wants a friend she has to earn friendship

Dr. Shrike

This sounds like an After Hours incursion to me.

micko4

Theres a gay fella who works in the shop near me..Dublin location I'll say it to him later?

L.Jenkins

Am afraid I'm going to have to lock this as it isn't going to end well.

Scaldy Ned

Jesus


I cannot apologise enough.......In fairness when i tried to reply last night Boards timed out ....I'm doing this quickly and asking that you follow....i need to see if this goes up.

roadsmart

Ah for fecksake, and I after finding two of them today for you. Some people are just ungrateful.

Scaldy Ned

I'm hoping that i have time to reply properly. I now see that my post was rightly replied to as it was because of the way it was worded....I Sincerely apologise.
Some Background....My Brother was a 16 year old gay that left Ireland in the early 70's...We did not get on for years because as you may have seen from the bolix i made of the last post....i can be a complete arsehole who's never learned to articulate.
My brother and i fell out for ten years because of our differing sexualities but i am happy to say that we became the best of friends 15 years before he died and stayed that way to the end.....My point of the post was that My wife and My Brother became the tightest of friends and she always said that she had the best of both worlds with both of us. Since he died she has obviously been missing him ....But also all his friends have drifted away and don't even stay in contact on Facebook etc....
This has left a gaping hole in her life and even though some of you have justifiably said it's not like buying a pet from a pet shop....you must honestly acknowledge that Middle aged women and Gay men can in certain circumstances form unbreakable bonds....I know this because my brother told me so many times.....I apologise again for being Ham Fisted with my last post and hope that i have clarified myself this time......
Thanks all
Scaldy

pharmaton

while I sympathise with your loss op, I sincerely think advertising here for a new gay best friend for your wife is a bit shortsighted...and weird. and lots of other words I can't think of right now

dobman88

Dude, I'm straight and I was horrified at your post last night. Are you even thinking straight at the moment?? Maybe see a counsellor? This must be highly offensive to the LGBT community.

eviltwin

I didn't see it as offensive personally but I'm not gay. I can see how a gay person would find it offensive though. As I said in my reply to you I am really sorry for your loss and I think its really sweet you are trying to help your wife who must feel very lost without her friend. I think your heart is in the right place but you are going about it the wrong way.

Your wife and your brother didn't just have such a good relationship because he was gay, his personality and hers are the reason they clicked so well. When you came on trying to find another gay man its insulting to the gay community as well as your brother!! Gay people are not all cut from the same mould, you can't substitute one for another just like that. Your brother was so much more than just your wife's gay mate, he was a well rounded person. I can't understand why you think anyone could replace your brother in your wife's life just because they have the same sexual preferences.

Even if your wife were to meet another gay man and form a friendship, do you really think that is going to make up for the loss of your brother? When you lose someone you love, you can't replace them just like that. I appreciate your trying to help but maybe what your wife needs right now is you.

Annasopra

Itzy wrote: »

Am afraid I'm going to have to lock this as it isn't going to end well.

Thread reopened so that there can be constructive discussion.

NO PERSONAL ATTACKS

saintsaltynuts

This is a wind up.

Annasopra

OP

I didn't find your post offensive. I just thought it was a bit silly and syrange. Your wife is grieving for her friend and you think a gay man - any gay man can replace that friendship and heal her grief. I don't get that at all.

Gay men are diverse - we are rich poor, humorous, serious, socialist, conservative, open minded, closed minded, friendly, unfriendly, selfish, altruistic.

Annasopra

saintsaltynuts wrote: »

This is a wind up.

I assume its not given the OP is a member 10 years and has a clean infraction/ban record.

Use the report post button in future.

bootybouncer

Scaldy Ned wrote: »

My Gay brother died a few years ago. My wife loved him to bits but i know that there's a gay guy out there somewhere that can fill a hole in her life and also probably his....how do i find my warm loving wife a warm loving male gay friend ?
Thanks all
Scaldy

ffs :P get a grip............................swinger nations

Mod note: Infracted

Lou.m

Scaldy Ned wrote: »

My Gay brother died a few years ago. My wife loved him to bits but i know that there's a gay guy out there somewhere that can fill a hole in her life and also probably his....how do i find my warm loving wife a warm loving male gay friend ?
Thanks all
Scaldy

You are kidding me right???? Please tell me you are trolling!

That's awful.

ongarboy

OP - if your wife was best friends with Johnny, the ginger haired, Cavan born milkman for the last 20 years, would you be off to Cavan trying to find a ginger miilkman to replace him? Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? However, that's exactly the message you sent out here when hoping to replace one gay person with another.

The fact it was your own brother surprised me as I would have thought that you would known and defined him by his uniqueness as a human being and sibling first and foremost rather than by his orientation. Your second post about being estranged with him for so long does however give clues about why you may not have understood him or gay people in general that much. I do believe your intentions are sincere if misguided.

I'm guessing your wife would be far more clued in seeing as she formed such a special bond with him. It would be very disingenuous to her to try and find a replacement one size fits all new best friend and expect it to work the same way as before. Let her find her own new friend (sexual orientation is not a prerequesite in quality of friendship by the way). Better still, why don't you become her best friend to distract her from her loss? Hopefully you are not of the brigade (and I've met a few) who believe husbands and wives cannot be best friends.

My sympathies to you both at the loss of your loved one.

daithi84

Your wife is grieving for her friend and no one can replace him in her life. Your wife will take time to heal but throwing new people at her hoping to replace your brother wont work. I was quite shocked at your first message but i seen the clarifing message and get what youre trying to say. Gay males and straight women can have amazing friendships but you can't just get a gay and give him to your wife to make her feel better. i do feel your heart is in the right place but this is a no goer! your wife will just have to get out there and make new friend. It will be hard but you cant replace her old friend with a new.

floggg

Scaldy Ned wrote: »

I'm hoping that i have time to reply properly. I now see that my post was rightly replied to as it was because of the way it was worded....I Sincerely apologise.
Some Background....My Brother was a 16 year old gay that left Ireland in the early 70's...We did not get on for years because as you may have seen from the bolix i made of the last post....i can be a complete arsehole who's never learned to articulate.
My brother and i fell out for ten years because of our differing sexualities but i am happy to say that we became the best of friends 15 years before he died and stayed that way to the end.....My point of the post was that My wife and My Brother became the tightest of friends and she always said that she had the best of both worlds with both of us. Since he died she has obviously been missing him ....But also all his friends have drifted away and don't even stay in contact on Facebook etc....
This has left a gaping hole in her life and even though some of you have justifiably said it's not like buying a pet from a pet shop....you must honestly acknowledge that Middle aged women and Gay men can in certain circumstances form unbreakable bonds....I know this because my brother told me so many times.....I apologise again for being Ham Fisted with my last post and hope that i have clarified myself this time......
Thanks all
Scaldy

You know, when you tried to explain it, it actually came off worse - You actually sat and about it for a few minutes and still couldn't see how silly it was.

I'm not offended BTW, just shocked that a grown man can be so naive and innocent - especially one who had a gay relative.

brilou23

dont even know what place to start with what is wrong with this

JH_raheny

I actually laughed a bit at this, are you sure it is not YOU who would feel better if the new best friend was a GAY one, I'm mean oh the horror if she had a straight best friend she might run away with him :-)

Scaldy Ned

Sorry all
I've made a complete nuts of what i tried to do.....
Please at least accept this.....I meant no offense whatsoever.Thanks to those who replied that understood what i was trying to do.Apologies to those of you who realised that i made a hash of it. I'm sorry, and for those of you that think i was trolling....No ...i'm just an arsehole...
Once again...apologies
Scaldy

Edit : For those of you who think i'm gay and doing this thread for that reason.....Once again, no....If i was i'd go "ham fisted
" from that angle and probably make a complete bolix of that as well.......****....I miss my brother' he certainly hasn't guided me through this.....Sorry Bro.

ongarboy

OP, from your subsequent posts, I have no doubt you are genuine and being well intentioned. Don't beat yourself up about it but hopefully you will have gained some new insight from this thread.

Some other posters here say they can't believe this thread is genuine and yes while it does seem incredible, it is a good eye opener on how things can still be sometimes for gay people in 2014 and I'm not talking oppression or homophobia, just lack of informed understanding.

Here are a couple of examples. A friend of mine was invited to a christening up the country and he was introduced to one of the guests and they hit it off, chatting away etc. The guest then said innocently "Just to let you know, I know you're gay and I've absolutely no problem with it!". Again, it was most likely well intentioned but extremely naive and patronizing and ultimately rude even though not necessarily meant as such.

Another time, I was out with some straight friends and one of their friends who I didn't know joined us. He obviously had heard previously that I was gay. When we got chatting later on in the evening, I got one question after another about what's it like being gay as if I was some curiosity or alien species. None of the questions were offensive or necessarily intrusive but you did feel like you were part of some "show and tell" as he said I was the first gay person he ever spoke to (unlikely!). I did try to light-heartedly convince him we're not that different but if I had wanted to, I could have taken issue with all the questions but again, because of his being naive, I knew he wasn't trying to be rude.

So even in these enlightened times, there is still some education to be done out there.

Ambersky

I think this thread has been great. If you wanted to give an explanation as to why people usually sigh when someone says "Im not homophobic some of my best friends are gay" this would be a good example.
Again I want to repeat that I think growing up in this particular time period a lot of gains have been made on all kinds of equality issues, laws have changed but we also grow up in a culture that has homophobia racism sexism etc normalised as part of life.
So we all need to work on our internalised and not so internalised homophobia, racism, sexism, etc.
Its very difficult to work on homophobia until you see it, until someone says or does something and even then some will deny whats happening and say its nothing at all, just an isolated incident or opinion.
Now that there has been a certain amount of awareness raised people are often more careful about what they say. Those who no longer make direct derogatory statements, refer to people with jeering names and maybe have one or two LGBT people among their acquaintances sometimes think they are cool and have no issues or anything to work on. Its not great when people are so careful they dont say anything in case they say something wrong because then we cant progress and find out what was wrong about that or even feel our annoyance and be given the opportunity to say how we would and would not like to be treated.
Were all working on it learning how to behave normally, expecting to be treated normally, learning about our sameness and our differences. I think threads like this are great.

Scaldy Ned

Ambersky wrote: »

I think this thread has been great. If you wanted to give an explanation as to why people usually sigh when someone says "Im not homophobic some of my best friends are gay" this would be a good example.
Again I want to repeat that I think growing up in this particular time period a lot of gains have been made on all kinds of equality issues, laws have changed but we also grow up in a culture that has homophobia racism sexism etc normalised as part of life.
So we all need to work on our internalised and not so internalised homophobia, racism, sexism, etc.
Its very difficult to work on homophobia until you see it, until someone says or does something and even then some will deny whats happening and say its nothing at all, just an isolated incident or opinion.
Now that there has been a certain amount of awareness raised people are often more careful about what they say. Those who no longer make direct derogatory statements, refer to people with jeering names and maybe have one or two LGBT people among their acquaintances sometimes think they are cool and have no issues or anything to work on. Its not great when people are so careful they dont say anything in case they say something wrong because then we cant progress and find out what was wrong about that or even feel our annoyance and be given the opportunity to say how we would and would not like to be treated.
Were all working on it learning how to behave normally, expecting to be treated normally, learning about our sameness and our differences. I think threads like this are great.

I was going to lave the thread alone because i keep putting my foot in it here. But this reply has me confused, are you saying i am homophobic or not ?.
My intention was to help integrate my wife back into a social aspect of her life that she enjoyed and misses. I now understand that it doesn't work that way and i ended up patronising,insulting and offending people....and once again i apologise...As i mentioned earlier my brother and i didn't speak for ten years because of my homophobia ....BUT....I saw the light and kicked meself up the arse and we had a great relationship for the last 15 years of his life....so call me anything you like...stupid,patronising,misguided etc...but Homophobic i won't accept because i've seen how that **** ****s you up and stops you from meeting some of the best friends you may ever have....if that sounds like a Cliche ...sorry but that's the way it is.
During the week i watched an episode of family guy where Cleveland moved away and they interviewed for a new black friend...to my horror i realised what i'd done here....
(i actually did slap my forehead and say oh **** that's what i did)
Anyway....Arsehole signing off
Good luck

Ambersky

Homophobia isnt a thing where people who display homophobia necessarily have bad intentions. I think a lot of people are at pains to say they intend no ill will and then cant understand when something they said in what they consider to be all innocence backfires on them. You will hear members of the Iona Institute saying things like that, that they have defended gays and lesbians, that they think gays and lesbians should have some protection under the law but then they go on to say something that demonstrates that although they have come a long way in their own personal journey they still have some attitudes and beliefs that still need working on before they actually treat LGBT people equally.


To quote Rory ONeill on what he said on the Saturday Night show

RO’N: “Oh listen, the problem is with the word ‘homophobic’, people imagine that if you say “Oh he’s a homophobe” that he’s a horrible monster who goes around beating up gays you know that’s not the way it is. Homophobia can be very subtle. I mean it’s like the way you know racism is very subtle. I would say that every single person in the world is racist to some extent because that’s how we order the world in our minds. We group people. You know it’s just how our minds work so that’s okay but you need to be aware of your tendency towards racism and work against it. And I don’t mind, I don’t care how you dress it up if you are arguing for whatever good reasons or you know whatever your impulses…”

http://http://www.broadsheet.ie/2014/01/16/wisdom-is-bliss/

Its also not even a case that when you are actually LGBT yourself that you are necessarily free from homophobia. LGBT people also grow up in a society that has homophobia inbuilt as a norm, not always the calling names variety but the not quite the same variety at least. Often its not untill you come out yourself or a family member comes out that you realise the true extent of your own internalised homophobia. All the denial that we often do in the initial stages of coming out thats internalised homophobia, all the playing the game and trying to look and act straight thats internalised homophobia and it hurts. Homophobia hurts everyone and internalised homophobia hurts the worst. LGBT people often dont like being called on their internalised homophobia, probably one of the things guaranteed to start a row here on this forum is to call someone on their internalised homophobia. Even LGBT people tend to take this as an accusation that they are homophobic as a personal insult instead of a suggestion that maybe they still have some of that social indoctrination still in there that suggests that they or other LGBT people somehow are less than, or deserve to be the subject of jokes or distancing in case of reflecting badly on more normal LGBT people. An example of this is the way some LGBT people like to distance themselves from visible feminine men or butch women. Its kind of like saying if I have to be gay at least Im going to be a normal gay and those gays over there reflect badly on me.

I think we all have to work on our homophobia, me included, just as we have to work on our racism. That family guy story was a great example of how even when we are friends with people who belong to a minority group that doesnt mean we have rid ourselves of all our issues around that. When its pointed out to us after some thought and if you think it fits its ok to say "yep that was me being homophobic" but that doesnt say all there is about you, I would think of someone being a homophobe as someone who for the time being anyway is stuck and keeps repeating and defending a homophobic opinion. Does that make what Im saying any clearer for you Scaldy Ned.
Like I said though all this can be very confusing and I think threads like this get us all thinking and thats good in my opinion.

Scaldy Ned

Hello Ambersky


I'm afraid that you've gone too deep for me, so i cannot talk about a lot of the points you raise....i;m afraid i;m just not knowledgeable enough. Suffice it to say that for me i think i've arrived at a point in my life where i judge people how i find them without anything to do with preconceived notions.....so I thank my brother for that.
I've been on a journey with this over the years and if any gay guys there would like to talk about hassle they're having with straight brothers...maybe i can help.....
Good luck all

Scaldy

eviltwin

Scaldy Ned wrote: »

Hello Ambersky


I'm afraid that you've gone too deep for me, so i cannot talk about a lot of the points you raise....i;m afraid i;m just not knowledgeable enough. Suffice it to say that for me i think i've arrived at a point in my life where i judge people how i find them without anything to do with preconceived notions.....so I thank my brother for that.
I've been on a journey with this over the years and if any gay guys there would like to talk about hassle they're having with straight brothers...maybe i can help.....
Good luck all

Scaldy

It comes down to this: good friends cannot be replaced just like that. It's that simple.

Scaldy Ned

eviltwin wrote: »

It comes down to this: good friends cannot be replaced just like that. It's that simple.

I think that i've conceded that and tried to explain what i was trying to do.
I look forward to dipping in to this forum now and again......It's a huge pity it wasn't around twenty years ago....It would have helped me hugely.
Enjoy the weekend all

floggg

Scaldy Ned wrote: »

Hello Ambersky


I'm afraid that you've gone too deep for me, so i cannot talk about a lot of the points you raise....i;m afraid i;m just not knowledgeable enough. Suffice it to say that for me i think i've arrived at a point in my life where i judge people how i find them without anything to do with preconceived notions.....so I thank my brother for that.
I've been on a journey with this over the years and if any gay guys there would like to talk about hassle they're having with straight brothers...maybe i can help.....
Good luck all

Scaldy

It seems you were genuine though ridiculously misguided so I don't want to give you grief for griefs sake.

Yet your post here clearly shows you don't take everybody as you find them. You clearly had some very strange pre-conceptions about gay people and seemed to think we are all interchangeable carbon copies.

So even if the judgment isn't negative you do pre-judge gay people and have serious pre-conceptions/mis-cocneptions.

Ambersky

I was watching an old recording of The Big Bang Theory the other night and the girls were at a bar and Penny said something like " Is that Raj's ex, for some reason or other I expected her to be Indian" and Bernadette said "That reason your looking for is your racism".

I think we all go around with preconceived notions about groups of people.
Racism is just preconceived notions about people of a different race than ourselves and homophobia is just preconceived notions about gay people. Sometimes those notions are rather benign or even correct and sometimes they are down right nasty but the thing about them is sometimes those pre conceived ideas block us from seeing the actual people.
I dont think this is a difficult idea but I think that people only go so far as they are able to or willing to at a time.

Were all in the same boat really because is there any other way to realise whether your ideas are preconceived or not than to have them challenged by someone telling you your ideas dont fit and are not appropriate. Dont we usually go around happily thinking we are free of racism or homophobia, ableism, transphobia etc untill someone challenges us or we read or see something that we identify with and realise we are doing that too.