Should I just embrace my loneliness?

LegacyUser

I am a lonely person, and have been since the age of roughly 14, i'm 23 now. I am in a constant battle with my own thoughts; I feel like a complete loser for not having anybody to to even go for a walk with after work and chat. My loneliness was temporarily alleviated when I got into a LTR aged 18, but it ended 2 years ago this month. My ex still comes into my mind for the simple reason that I am lonely. My phone only ever goes off during the week when my mother texts me, at weekends I tend to go out but only to binge drink really, most of the day I am alone in my room. The ending of the last relationship destroyed my confidence, and I am afraid to get close to girls.

I'm not sure if anybody reading this will understand how I feel, but I felt it necessary to post it somewhere. Loneliness tends to be something an older person might feel, but for a 24 year old, it is completely abnormal in my book, and that's why it is constantly annoying me, the thought that I am such an alone person socially. People my age tend to already have enough friends, which is why I find it very difficult to make new ones. I've attended a good few meetup events, and made some drinking buddies from it - but that's all they are, and they live too far from me to do something like go walking after work.

I guess i'm wondering if I should accept my loneliness, and not get so down over it? I've only my self to blame partly, I can be a very introverted person sometimes. It probably doesn't make sense that an introvert is complaining about loneliness - but I think the time I spend alone is way disproportionate to the time with other people, having a laugh and interacting.

It even got to the stage where I went traveling alone last year to the other side of the world because I wanted to see a place and the "friends" I do have are drinking buddies or in long term relationships. It was a great experience but not an accurate representation of doing things on your own in Ireland. People on their own doing anything here are looked at as weird. I go on to facebook every day and see people having coffee with friends, going for a drive or going walking with them. That's all I would like, yet I don't have anything close to it. I try to act normal in work but sometimes I just get angry and say nothing to anybody all day, because I know that in the evening if there's no football on tv i'll be thinking about my loneliness.

I feel shamed at myself for ot being able to fulfill such a basic human thing - having someone to talk to. Someone who gives a **** other than my family. I recognize that others don't even have a family, but it doesn't help me feel less lonely.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

what you are feeling is nothing to be ashamed of - this is an issue that pops up here on a fairly regular basis. However, friends aren't just going to fall into your lap, and you are going to have to put yourself out there to a certain extent in order to make some.

In my experience, the best friends I have are the ones I have common interests with that I can talk about with them, so in that vein, have you looked into any clubs or activities in your area that you would be interested in joining? They are generally full of like minded people and are a great way of making new friends, not to mention that they quite often organise outings or trips away. Something else that you might consider if there is a cause you are particularly interested in would be volunteering - again, it gives you the opportunity to give something back, while also giving you the means to meet new people.

thegreatgonzo

IFeelLonely wrote: »

. People my age tend to already have enough friends, which is why I find it very difficult to make new ones. I've attended a good few meetup events, and made some drinking buddies from it - but that's all they are,

.

I don't agree about people of any age having enough friends. People form friendships all throughout life.

It takes time to develop friendships beyond being drinking buddies so I wouldn't give up on using meet up. Maybe you need to look at what meet up groups you are joining if they are drink related. What sports/hobbies are you interested in?
I made very good friends through a walking group on meet up.
Maybe you could be making more of an effort with the people you already know like suggesting some non drinking related activities?

Jenneke87

I'm 26 and alone most of the time too. I don't have friends or family to go out with, and can't remember the last time when I wen't out on my own and have been home almost every weekend since age 20. I can't offer you any advice, as I don't have that much an issue with my solitude, but you're not alone in this. try meetup sites as suggested and see what it will lead to. Good luck.

ongarboy

Hey OP. I get your issue. I went through a phase in my early/mid 20s where I felt I had no one. I lived in Dublin and my family were at the other end of the country. I was just at the age where my friends from college (also in another city) had started scattering and drifting so I couldn't readily rely on them any more for guaranteed nights out and company etc. I found it difficult to make new friends in Dublin but in hindsight I didn't step out of my comfort zone. (ie join clubs or activities) to address that. It didn't help that I worked in companies at the time that had mainly older, married colleagues rather than lots of 20somethings. I remember spending 2 New Years Eves alone (aged 22 and 23) in Dublin in my flat and vowed after the second depressing midnight bells that I would never let that happen again.

I went off to Oz for a year, had a ball and came back into a completely different career with lots of young people. Finally, I started making new friends and having regular nights out and company. Sometimes you need to dramatically change your life or just do something you haven't done before. It won't help by thinking that you should embrace your loneliness. That becomes wallowing, self pitying and self defeating. It won't help you make new friends either.

Is there a chance you could join a volunteer group or charity to do voluntary work one night a week or at the weekends seeing as you seem to have all this spare time to dwell on your issue? It would give you a regular anchor and such a feel good factor knowing you are helping others less fortunate or giving your time positively. It would distract you from your predicament in a good way also. Finally, it would get you out there and introduce you to other decent people who have given up their free time also.

I met my best friend when I was 28 and partner (my other best friend ) at 29 so 24 is definitely not a sell by date. I don't think I would have met either if I completely wrote myself off at 24 or "embraced my loneliness" as I doubt that would have appealed to either of them! I have met further new great friends in my 30s by taking a few risks and making efforts (ie initiating the calls, texts, invites etc). You need to find a way out of this - don't give up!

LegacyUser

ongarboy wrote: »

Hey OP. I get your issue. I went through a phase in my early/mid 20s where I felt I had no one. I lived in Dublin and my family were at the other end of the country. I was just at the age where my friends from college (also in another city) had started scattering and drifting so I couldn't readily rely on them any more for guaranteed nights out and company etc. I found it difficult to make new friends in Dublin but in hindsight I didn't step out of my comfort zone. (ie join clubs or activities) to address that. It didn't help that I worked in companies at the time that had mainly older, married colleagues rather than lots of 20somethings. I remember spending 2 New Years Eves alone (aged 22 and 23) in Dublin in my flat and vowed after the second depressing midnight bells that I would never let that happen again.

I went off to Oz for a year, had a ball and came back into a completely different career with lots of young people. Finally, I started making new friends and having regular nights out and company. Sometimes you need to dramatically change your life or just do something you haven't done before. It won't help by thinking that you should embrace your loneliness. That becomes wallowing, self pitying and self defeating. It won't help you make new friends either.

Is there a chance you could join a volunteer group or charity to do voluntary work one night a week or at the weekends seeing as you seem to have all this spare time to dwell on your issue? It would give you a regular anchor and such a feel good factor knowing you are helping others less fortunate or giving your time positively. It would distract you from your predicament in a good way also. Finally, it would get you out there and introduce you to other decent people who have given up their free time also.

I met my best friend when I was 28 and partner (my other best friend ) at 29 so 24 is definitely not a sell by date. I don't think I would have met either if I completely wrote myself off at 24 or "embraced my loneliness" as I doubt that would have appealed to either of them! I have met further new great friends in my 30s by taking a few risks and making efforts (ie initiating the calls, texts, invites etc). You need to find a way out of this - don't give up!

Well, I'm a Dub, living in Dublin with my parents. This is the city and town I've lived in all my life, yet I still feel lonely here. The only 3 people I befriended living within a 5 mins walk of me in my life - 1 is a paranoid recovering drug user, the other still uses drugs so I avoid him, and the other went to live in Australia.

I guess its just odd to me because even those people who move cities and feel lonely, generally have loads of friends to hang out with when they return to their home town. I live in my home town and still have feckin nobody!

I agree that I need to find a way out of this. But when you've been lonely for a significant proportion of the last 10 years, you start to lose hope.

Endotoxin

IFeelLonely wrote: »

I am a lonely person, and have been since the age of roughly 14, i'm 23 now. I am in a constant battle with my own thoughts; I feel like a complete loser for not having anybody to to even go for a walk with after work and chat. My loneliness was temporarily alleviated when I got into a LTR aged 18, but it ended 2 years ago this month. My ex still comes into my mind for the simple reason that I am lonely. My phone only ever goes off during the week when my mother texts me, at weekends I tend to go out but only to binge drink really, most of the day I am alone in my room. The ending of the last relationship destroyed my confidence, and I am afraid to get close to girls.

I'm not sure if anybody reading this will understand how I feel, but I felt it necessary to post it somewhere. Loneliness tends to be something an older person might feel, but for a 24 year old, it is completely abnormal in my book, and that's why it is constantly annoying me, the thought that I am such an alone person socially. People my age tend to already have enough friends, which is why I find it very difficult to make new ones. I've attended a good few meetup events, and made some drinking buddies from it - but that's all they are, and they live too far from me to do something like go walking after work.

I guess i'm wondering if I should accept my loneliness, and not get so down over it? I've only my self to blame partly, I can be a very introverted person sometimes. It probably doesn't make sense that an introvert is complaining about loneliness - but I think the time I spend alone is way disproportionate to the time with other people, having a laugh and interacting.

It even got to the stage where I went traveling alone last year to the other side of the world because I wanted to see a place and the "friends" I do have are drinking buddies or in long term relationships. It was a great experience but not an accurate representation of doing things on your own in Ireland. People on their own doing anything here are looked at as weird. I go on to facebook every day and see people having coffee with friends, going for a drive or going walking with them. That's all I would like, yet I don't have anything close to it. I try to act normal in work but sometimes I just get angry and say nothing to anybody all day, because I know that in the evening if there's no football on tv i'll be thinking about my loneliness.

I feel shamed at myself for ot being able to fulfill such a basic human thing - having someone to talk to. Someone who gives a **** other than my family. I recognize that others don't even have a family, but it doesn't help me feel less lonely.

To be honest I think the busier the world gets the lonelier people feel. Life is busy and people in Ireland tend to make connections/ friends early in life. Don't beat yourself about being introverted, if you were in a relationship you can't be that weird(lol). Join a hillwalking group on meetup or do a part time college course

LegacyUser

Endotoxin wrote: »

To be honest I think the busier the world gets the lonelier people feel. Life is busy and people in Ireland tend to make connections/ friends early in life. Don't beat yourself about being introverted, if you were in a relationship you can't be that weird(lol). Join a hillwalking group on meetup or do a part time college course

That's the thing. I'm not weird at all. Pretty normal guy, and everyone who gets to meet me will usually think I seem sound but quiet at first. I have a weird side, but its good weird as in like random/unique with what I would say is a decent sense of humour. I've no need to do part-time college courses, I work at the minute. I think my problem is this exact sentence
"Life is busy and people in Ireland tend to make connections/ friends early in life." it's kinda what I was thinking and leads me to believe there is not much I can do to change my situation. I've even tried online dating to get girls but it's been futile so far (lot of girls on it for attention I feel).

Endotoxin

Just don't think/ beat yourself up about it too much. I have 153 "friends" on Facebook , I've only seen 12 of them in the flesh since Xmas and six of those were in work. U definitely need something more than the pub. Hangovers ruin the weekend and people don't chat that much after a couple of pints( banter/slag/ confess yes). Could you try to change jobs to meet people ur own age? Plenty of nice Ladies on meetup too( try the hillwalking one)

Overheal

Early 20s I learned that the problem was me. I wasn't happy with myself. If you aren't happy with yourself how can you expect to be good company for someone else?

Think about the things that make you unhappy and address them. Things you can control, not stuff like "I don't have a girlfriend," more stuff like "I want to take up an interesting hobby" "move out from the parents' roof" etc.

bluemagpie

I think your situation isn't as unusual as you think it is. Facebook gives a false impression of other peoples social lives which generally aren't any where near as exciting as you think they are.

At 24 many people would only have 1 or 2 close friends and a few people they might meet to go out with, that's what you have as well, many are in the same situation where those 1 or 2 close friends have moved away or you start to grow apart.

It all depends what you want from life, if you just want to find a girlfriend keep going out and do your online dating as well but don't expect a girlfriend or anyone else to solve the problem for you, if you want to enjoy yourself think of things you like doing such as music, sports, talking etc and go to some related meet-up groups or evening classes, there are plenty that don't involve drinking as the predominant activity. It doesn't matter that you've lived in the same place your whole life and find yourself in this position, it's actually fairly normal, cities tend to have less of a community than rural areas so go to any city in the world and you will find they are populated with a lot of lonely people. You shouldn't feel any sort of shame but you should actively try to change your situation and pursue what you enjoy.