Pregnancy news, family not happy

LegacyUser

Regular poster going unreg.

I am pregnant with my 3rd child, thrilled to bits over it and trying to enjoy what will be my last pregnancy and baby. I told family and friends two weeks ago and everyone is happy but the issue is my side of the family. My brother and his wife are unable to have children so I told them the news privately a few weeks before we told the wider group, they were upset as expected and asked for some space and they would be in touch.

They have known about a month now and nothing has changed, in fact, they have become quite bitchy about it, making posts on FB about my age, my lack of contraception even though the pregnancy was planned, little jokes that are quite barbed and hurtful. I've now been told I'm not to go to my dad's birthday lunch in 2 months time in case it upsets them, my dad himself has asked me not to go and although I can understand I am very hurt by it. Even my mother asked me why I needed a third child when I have two already and did I not think of how it would make them feel!

I'm trying to understand and be emphatic, I would never rub their nose in it and I know its not easy for them but I'm starting to feel guilty and I know I have nothing to feel guilty about. My husband is furious with their attitude. I am really worried this will damage our relationship beyond repair but I don't know how to handle it. All attempts to talk have gone unanswered.

Mr. Incognito

So the world is supposed to walk on egg shells around them?

How are you "selfish" for having a child.

They sound like immature jerks if they cannot be happy for other people's joy.

Can they not adopt?

Your husband is right to be furious. You should side with the person who is supporting you, not belittling you with cowardly jibes on facebook. If they are upsetting you delete them from facebook and your life if you have to

Penny Tration

I can understand them being upset.

However, they are being extremely childish, petty and cruel and not only are your parents facilitating it, they're doing the same by their actions.

If you've tried talking to them, I don't really know what else you can do tbh.

I'd be inclined to write a letter to both your brother and parents, telling them how their actions are making you feel. Don't point out that the baby was planned, you should not have to justify yourself to them.

If that doesn't work, I'd cut them out until they cop on to themselves. Your baby is the most important thing here, and being stressed and upset will not be good for you or your baby.

Most importantly - congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can.

Pawwed Rig

First of all Congratulations. It is great news and your husband and you should be thrilled.

With regard to your family you need to worry about yourself for the time being. As an older mother you do not need stress or drama during the pregnancy so I would recomend being passive and leaving them at it for the meantime. Letting it get to you or get between your relationship would affect your primary concern which is your husband, children and child to be. Your family will come around when baby arrives. If they don't then it is their problem not yours.

Merkin

Congratulations! Babies are a blessing and you should enjoy your pregnancy.

I really think you handled it very sensitively in telling them beforehand by themselves and talking to them directly etc. I mean what else are you expected to do bar have your tubes tied?

I feel very sorry for them, I really do, as I think infertility can be all consuming and must be extremely upsetting but they really can't expect people in their lives to stop having children for fear of upsetting them. I'd also be absolutely FURIOUS with your parents for taking their sides in all of this, it's very unfair on you and your husband.

I also think the Facebook comments and barbed digs is stooping to a new low and will make them look spiteful and cruel. I would have a word directly with your brother on this matter.

And then I would leave it. Your baby, your husband and your children are your family and your priority and I wouldn't get too involved in other people's issues. They will probably get over it in time but I wouldn't pander to them and their inherent rage - enjoy your pregnancy and ignore all the white noise.

LegacyUser

The childless couple have absolutely no right to determine who and who should not appear at family functions. It's a fact of life some people cannot have children, they have to accept that.

OP, stay with your husband and you wonderful children and f**k the begrudgers.

pwurple

How awful. Infertility is really very hard going, it can make people extremely bitter as they struggle to come to terms with it. Usually nieces and nephews can ease that pain though! Cuddles and playing and sharing fun times.

It doesn't excuse your parent's attitude at all though. I'd be having some serious words if my mum had said anything like that to me, about the birth of her own grandchild.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies and thanks so much for the congratulations, not one person on my side of the family has said that to me yet.

That just shows the nature of this issue that its causing so much stress for everyone. In defense of my mother she is not a nasty woman but she is my brothers sounding board and she has had to deal with this every time someone has had a baby. She is fed up with it too but is, like us all, afraid of saying something that might hurt them even more.

I know I should just ignore but its easier said than done. I know I should go to dad's lunch regardless but I'll be showing by then and will be accused of rubbing their noses in it. I'm trying to be understanding as best I can, staying out of the way etc but long term this can't continue. I really want to tell them to grow up but how do you do something like that without coming over as cruel and uncaring?

Mr Incognito adoption is not an option for them, they are past the cut off for an Irish adoption and don't have the money to look overseas.

coats

Coming from the other side a bit, it is very hard to hear when someone close to you is pregnant when you can't be. A week after I found out I was infertile my sister told me she was pregnant and just told me cause she had told everyone else. They are being very hurtful towards you, intentional or not. I put my own feelings aside and shared in my sisters joy. Its not that hard to do, to paint on a happy face. I would have never made my sister feel bad about it or demand that she not go anywhere that I was.

Life goes on, there are options and they are being very selfish. A new neice or nephew is a wonderful thing.

Merkin

unreguser wrote: »

In defense of my mother she is not a nasty woman but she is my brothers sounding board and she has had to deal with this every time someone has had a baby. She is fed up with it too but is, like us all, afraid of saying something that might hurt them even more.

I would respectfully suggest that they need counselling. Ask your brother to meet up with you, just the two of you. They have obviously not come to terms with their infertility, and that's very sad, but it's not like people are just going to stop procreating for fear of offending them. Are all expectant Mums and small children going to be banned from family functions going forward?

And you're talking of not attending your own father's birthday because your baby bump will be showing by then? I hate to say it, but they are behaving like this because it's being perpetuated and pandered to by the extended family. What will happen if you do turn up? Are they just going to storm off? They are going to look petty and cruel if that's the case. Why should you have to hide your own joy? I'm not for a moment suggesting you turn up for lunch in a tight top stroking your bump and talking baby names but you shouldn't hide away either - it's a joyous time.

I do genuinely feel for them, it must be corrosive and upsetting but they obviously haven't come to terms with it and they evidently need professional help because this issue is impacting heavily on their lives and the lives of those that surround them. It has got to stop and they need a helping hand.

Paddy Cow

Congratulations OP. A child is always a blessing and no one but your husband gets any say in how many children you have. Being told not to go to your Dad's lunch for fear of upsetting two people is going to set a nasty precedent. Will you be expected to tip toe around these two for the rest of your life? If you have a christening will it be rubbing their noses in it if you invite them or if you don't invite them, will you be seen as bitter?

You are in a no win situation here and you didn't even do anything wrong. Someone is going to have to say something eventually. Tip toeing around the couple will just make matters worse as it's already dividing the family. Better to get it out in the open and resolve it.

If I was you I would put the foot down and say that your father has been your father all your life and you are going to his party. Sure the couple will be p!ssed but they will get over it. This child is not going away and they are going to have to get used to that. The couple's actions are not fair on you, your husband, your children and everyone else in the family. If you don't stand up to them now, they will only continue to make trouble in the future.

I would be absolutely hurt and devastated if I was isolated from my family for simply being pregnant. They should be apologising to you and politely telling the couple to cop on and cut the crap on facebook, not making you feel bad :mad:

Big Bag of Chips

It is terribly sad that they cannot have children, but they can't realistically expect to be shielded from every pregnant woman in the world. Nor should they expect pregnant women to go into hiding so as not to upset them.

It's a sad and sorry fact of life that some people cannot have children. But part of that is accepting that people around you can, and will, have children. Do they treat pregnant friends in the same way, or is it just reserved for family members?

Of course it is the sort of situation that nobody knows how best to handle it. But I think in everybody's rush to NOT upset them, they are forgetting that there are other people involved who are really being hurt by things being said, or not said in this case.

Do you have the sort of relationship with your mam, that you could sit down, one on one and explain how hurt you are by the things she has said? Sometimes when you are in the middle of a situation you can lose perspective. And I think this is what is happening with your family. I don't think any of them mean to deliberately upset you, but they are all trying so hard not to upset the other couple, that they cannot see that they ARE upsetting you.

It's such an exciting time for you, and yet again another pregnancy that they have to deal with. But they have to deal with it. That is life I suppose. I can't believe you would be expected to stay away from your dad's birthday dinner. If your sister-in-law feels like she can't face you/it, then surely she could discreetly have backed out of it.

You are pregnant. You are going to get an awful lot bigger than "showing" over the next few months. Will you be expected to stay out of the way for the rest of your pregnancy? When your baby is born will you also have to hide them away? Make sure nobody takes/shares any photographs?

You are having a baby. It is wonderful news. The more you "protect" them from it, the longer you make an issue of it. In this instance I'd say start as you mean to go on. And if that means being in their company, then that's what you need to do.

It's an awful situation... But you are in no way "at fault" here. Congratulations, and I hope you have a nice/easy pregnancy.

JillyQ

Hi op I was told over twenty years ago that I cant have kids. While it took some getting used to, i learnt to accept it fairly quickly. I think that your brother & sister-in-law are acting like selfish fools. I absolutely adore spending time with my niece & nephews. I really dont understand why the rest of your family are acting the way they are it really is quiet mean of them

Kalimah

Funnily enough this happened to me ten years ago. I was pregnant on my fourth child and announced the news at a family party, blissfully unaware that my husband’s brother and his wife were having difficulty conceiving. No one had ever told us. Certain people got told things but we weren’t part of the inner circle. The news went down like a lead balloon which I was disappointed about, but I put it behind me. Months went by and we didn’t see much of the family which wouldn’t be unusual. I had the baby and a few visitors but not the brother or his wife. A week or so later there was another family party in a restaurant for my mother in law’s birthday. Of course I had no baby bump by this time. My husband was told by his sister not to talk about the baby. It transpired the brother and the wife hadn’t heard I had the baby so it was a bit of a shock for them at the time.
I was upset at what I thought was the sister being bitchy. We STILL didn’t know there were fertility difficulties, and didn’t until a good many years after.
The way I look at it is, you have done your best to soften the blow for your in-laws by telling them privately. Don’t go near Facebook. Close your account down if needs be. Enjoy your pregnancy. If relatives persist in nasty comments ignore them and the comments. I wouldn’t write a letter. It’ll only be held against you.
Go to your dad's lunch. Why would you stay away? Will you have to hide the child away for the rest of its life? I sympathise with you so much.
Our experience was one of the reasons we cut ties with most of my husband's family. We just didn't need the grief anymore

Starokan

They are being so self centred here its actually unbelievable. You are being treated appallingly and your dad is equally as culpable for asking you to stay away.

I think you could not have handled this more sensitively than you did, your husband is right to be furious, they are pathetic.

Alf. A. Male

unreguser wrote: »

I've now been told I'm not to go to my dad's birthday lunch in 2 months time in case it upsets them, my dad himself has asked me not to go and although I can understand I am very hurt by it. Even my mother asked me why I needed a third child when I have two already and did I not think of how it would make them feel!

I'm trying to understand and be emphatic, I would never rub their nose in it and I know its not easy for them but I'm starting to feel guilty and I know I have nothing to feel guilty about. My husband is furious with their attitude. I am really worried this will damage our relationship beyond repair but I don't know how to handle it. All attempts to talk have gone unanswered.

You can understand? Huh? I can't and I think your father's attitude is horrible, as is the rest of your family's. I would never expect to diminish the happiness of anyone I care about because of my own ill luck. If you were a member of my family I'd be delighted for you. Far from excluding you, your father should be making it clear to your brother that all his children are welcome at any family occasion and that his saddness at your brother's problems doesn't cause him to resent your happiness. I'm with your husband here and I'd find it very, very difficult to see myself maintaining a relationship with your family unless they cop the **** on and address their attitudes rapidly.

December2012

If I were you

1) I'd stay calm and not get emotional and I'd tell your husband to do the same. His fury isn't helping matters.

2) your parents are not and should not be go betweens. When you have something to say, say it to your brother in person.

3) I suggest you go and face and gently and calmly talk to your brother. Try to empathise with him and understand him. But be firm, you are not being insensitive by being pregnant. It is not your fault that they have fertility problems. Tell him the jibes and the jokes are not appropriate, and that you would not make such jibes about him.

Your dad is your dad too and you both have the right to go. However your brother may choose to distance himself from you, and that is ok. Your family may volunteer (out of past learned experiences) to downplay your pregnancy. That is their choice, not his. So don't blame him for the things other people do.

And then you both have to find a way to get on with each other, spouses included.

December2012

To add:

I don't think anybody can understand infertility unless they've been through it.

And even then, everybody handles life differently.

Lollipops23

December2012 wrote: »

To add:

I don't think anybody can understand infertility unless they've been through it.

And even then, everybody handles life differently.

It's a terrible, tragic thing. But it doesn't give licence to be unbelievably horrible to other people.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. Not sure what to do, I will go to my dad's party and try and rise above it. I don't want to have to avoid them but sometimes I wonder if its worth the hassle you know? I really don't need the stress at the moment. They have had counselling but I can get someone to suggest it again. I don't really want to talk to them myself anymore.

December2012

Lollipops23 wrote: »

It's a terrible, tragic thing. But it doesn't give licence to be unbelievably horrible to other people.

Of course it doesn't.

But it doesn't help the OP or her husband to only think about how they would deal with it. Because they can't understand it.

There appears to be no option for the brother to parent. And I'm guessing that because of misplaced sensitivity by the surrounding family this couple are now in the habit of being hyper protected from real life.

And I find that when you're trying to reach a common ground with somebody it's very frustrating to say "I understand" or "I know how this feels" when you don't.

The aim of the game is not to declare who's right or wrong, but to find a way to work this reality into life.

December2012

unreguser wrote: »

I don't really want to talk to them myself anymore.

So you can't talk to them, and they can't see you. Why can't you talk to your brother about this big problem in your family? Pretending things don't exist is how problems fester and grow.

Remember OP you've done nothing wrong by having a baby.

But the fact is you have been told by your family not to attend. Your opportunity to resolve this situation is before the party - not at the party.

Neyite

unreguser wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Not sure what to do, I will go to my dad's party and try and rise above it. I don't want to have to avoid them but sometimes I wonder if its worth the hassle you know? I really don't need the stress at the moment. They have had counselling but I can get someone to suggest it again. I don't really want to talk to them myself anymore.

Blaming you for someone else's misfortune is not on. And right now, all four of them are at it. You are entitled to make your life decisions as you see fit, and that includes family planning. Your brother and wife have been dealt a blow, there is no doubt about it, but they cannot expect to be shielded from pregnant women forever. And this is their little nibling/ grandchild they are being horribly unfair about.

My view- as long as you pander to people you give them license to hurt you. Your brother is intent on creating a rift in the family, and right now, your parents are supporting him.

My response in your shoes would be to go on the offensive - block them from facebook and let them know it's because of their hurtful comments, tell your parents that you and your family will not go to your fathers lunch as per his request, but that you are hurt that they could not even congratulate you on their third grandchild. Until I got genuine apologies from them, I'd ignore the lot of them and concentrate on your little family.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Of course it doesn't.

But it doesn't help the OP or her husband to only think about how they would deal with it. Because they can't understand it.

There appears to be no option for the brother to parent. And I'm guessing that because of misplaced sensitivity by the surrounding family this couple are now in the habit of being hyper protected from real life.

And I find that when you're trying to reach a common ground with somebody it's very frustrating to say "I understand" or "I know how this feels" when you don't.

The aim of the game is not to declare who's right or wrong, but to find a way to work this reality into life.

The only way I can think about it is by putting myself in their shoes, they don't really talk about it. I have never once been as trite as to say to them that I know how they feel because I don't. I told them privately because I thought they deserved that extra time to get used to the idea. I had to tell them, it would have been much worse if they found out through a third party. Its very sad they have taken it so badly but I can't make it better for them.

Paddy Cow

unreguser wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Not sure what to do, I will go to my dad's party and try and rise above it. I don't want to have to avoid them but sometimes I wonder if its worth the hassle you know? I really don't need the stress at the moment. They have had counselling but I can get someone to suggest it again. I don't really want to talk to them myself anymore.

Please do not do this. Even with the best of intentions, it will only inflame the situation. You do not have to put up with their behaviour but neither do you have any right to suggest they go to counselling and you will quite rightly be told where to stick your advice.

Taltos

Personally I would ignore them now, but I would talk to your parents about the stress they have put you under by their choice / favouritism.
You have to remember that sometimes people are just idiots but even so - you are pregnant, this is meant to be a joyous time but also a time where you don't need any unnecessary stress...

Maybe have a word with them - open their eyes to what they have said and see if they understand that by putting their view forwards they may well be writing themselves out of any future role as grandparents.

The last thing your child needs is the stigma from the rest of your family - personally I would be considering severing all ties if they don't change their tune pretty sharpish. No wonder your OH is so furious.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

So you can't talk to them, and they can't see you. Why can't you talk to your brother about this big problem in your family? Pretending things don't exist is how problems fester and grow.

Remember OP you've done nothing wrong by having a baby.

But the fact is you have been told by your family not to attend. Your opportunity to resolve this situation is before the party - not at the party.

I have tried talking to him, to both of them, but they don't want to talk. I've never said they can't see me, we live in the same town, they know they can come over whenever they feel up to it and I've made sure they know that. I don't want to push them either if the space is what is best for them at this point.

My parents must look awful, believe me they are not, they are very nice people and as hurt by all of this as I am. I'm happy to forgo the family dinner and do something after with dad if that is easier for him, its just a lunch, its not a big deal really one way or another.

Distance sounds like the best way forward for now, let them decide when they feel ready to talk. I can handle and understand their need for space, its the mean comments that have really hurt.

December2012

It's not about making it better for them, it's about being open and gently and positively standing up for yourself and your baby.

You had the appropriate sensitivity to tell them in person about the pregnancy.

Why not apply the same situational awareness to honestly but calmly discussing the jibes and the ostracising?

Do you know that its definitely coming from them?

These situations where one person becomes a go between turn into Chinese whispers. For all you know he may have admitted how painful he will find your dad's lunch, which then gets translated along the chain into stay away from dad's lunch.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

It's not about making it better for them, it's about being open and gently and positively standing up for yourself and your baby.

You had the appropriate sensitivity to tell them in person about the pregnancy.

Why not apply the same situational awareness to honestly but calmly discussing the jibes and the ostracising?

Do you know that its definitely coming from them?

These situations where one person becomes a go between turn into Chinese whispers. For all you know he may have admitted how painful he will find your dad's lunch, which then gets translated along the chain into stay away from dad's lunch.

The comments are definitely from them, some have been made to my face, others were to me directly via Facebook or as status updates that were obviously aimed at me. They know what I think about the comments but I might as well be talking to a wall for all the good it did.

Going forward I am going to ignore it and them and hope they come around at some stage but not kill myself trying to make that happen either. I feel I have done enough and reading back the replies I think they are being very unfair. I can't change this, its happening and they have to deal with it, I can't make it better.

Thanks for the help everyone.

Jessica-Rabbit

Congrats on the pregnancy OP,
I do hope everything goes well for you and you have beautiful healthy baby ,
You should not have to deal with the stress from your brother and his wife, they should not take their frustrations out on you.
But I do feel sorry for them, if they have being trying for a child and found out they cannot have a child of their own it must be so devastating for them (particularly his wife ) to be surrounded by children, not just within their family but everywhere else and for her being unable to carry her own baby.
Having said that you should in no way have to suffer for what they are unable to have.
The adoption process is so long and there is no guarantee that the mother won't change her mind after the child is born, but have they considered looking for a surrogate.
It may not be what they have originally wanted but it may give them a chance to be parents.
Maybe this is something you suggest to them.

LegacyUser

As someone also in their first trimester, OP, I think you should ignore it and not go to the lunch. This is a physically horrendous time in a pregnancy, and I for one am wiped out. I can handle work, but NOTHING else. You have to be totally selfish at this time. And if that means avoiding people like that, then you should.

Yes you have the right to go to the lunch, but if its going to be a dreadful afternoon filled with tension, with you petrified of talking about baby, and your husband resolutely talking about the baby cos he's pissed off, and the other two giving you filthies, and your poor parents in the middle.....it'll suck for you and it'll suck for your Dad.

Why would you put yourself through that when you're so wrecked to begin with? Just to prove a point?? Its not worth it - not in this condition.

I would avoid your brother like the plague, btw. They have turned their tragedy into something poisonous. I feel sure he wants to avoid you too, so it shouldn't be hard.

Btw, my cousin is undergoing fertility treatments which so far haven't worked (8 years and counting). Her brother has just announced his news, and in a few weeks I'll be announcing mine. I am dreading it. It must be awful for her to have two pregnant at the same time. But what can I do??? Its not something you can hide! But if she chooses to not be around me much I will understand, as long as like another poster said above, she isn't openly hostile. If she is, then it's bye-bye for a while, I'm afraid.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, as someone is infertile, I can understand where your brother and sis in law are coming from. Kind of. Do you know if they are undergoing any fertility treatments? or have any failed treatments recently? I am not saying that is an excuse for them to be horrible to you. But it is so difficult to not be able to conceive and see everyone around you getting pregnant"just like that". I doubt that its your pregnancy that is annoying them so much, maybe this was just a really bad time for them and your news has just pushed them over the edge. I have to admit I have been in the same situation but I feel I at least had the decency to explain how I was feeling to the person involved that it wasn't them i was mad at, it was my own situation and it was too much to handle at that time.

I bet by the time your baby is born they will have come around and will be delighted to be auntie and uncle, and well if not, you are not the one losing out.

carolinespring

OP, massive congratulations on your wonderful news. I hope everything goes well and that you enjoy this special time.

I myself as part of a couple who cannot have children. We have so many M/C's. We are still doing everything we can to someday become the parents we so want to be, but we have no right to make anyone feel bad for having and being blessed with being able to have a child and as many as they wish to.

Yes, it hurts like hell every time someone tells me " the wonderful news" I smile, hug and do everything in my power (and heart) to be happy for them. Sometime I go home and cry, other times it is not so bad but at the end of the day it is my issue and they have a right to be happy and enjoy the whole baby excitement.

My best friend had a baby last year, her 4th child. She would be one of the few who know what myself and my husband have gone trough to have our own family. She told me when she was 5 weeks and emailed to tell me the news before following it up a few hours later with a phone call. Which gave me time to cry, rant and rave to my wonderful boards friends over in TTC. By the time I spoke to her I was happy for her. Yes it was hard when the baby was born, more tears both of joy for her and sadness that ti wasn't our turn but in no way DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO DAMPEN HER AND HER FAMILIES JOY.

I would suggest you call your brother and arrange to meet for a coffee and tell them you understand how hard it is for them but you need to be able to enjoy this special time and you would love them to be part of it and to share in your joy. I would also explain to your parents that you would like to be part of your Dad's birthday lunch, it is not fair to expect you to have to stay away.

I wish youy all the best and hope you, your family and baby pink/blue socks have a wonderful 9 months xx

LegacyUser

It is nasty the way they are treating you. They can't expect you and your family not to attend family events to suit them.

My feeling is that your brothers wife can't accept the fact they are childless and she is behind this treatment that you are getting.

I would ring your sister in law. Tell her I am sorry that you can't have children and this is why you told I was pregnant before I told other people. Because of the way you have been behaving my family can't be glad of my pregnancy. I have had nasty comments on facebook. Also my father has asked me not to go his birthday meal as you don't want me there as I am pregnant.
I am going to this meal as I can't put my life or my babies life on hold for you.

Once you do this ring your bother and tell him that you have rang his wife and what you said to her. I would tell him you are sorry they can't have children but you have been ignored and had nasty comments on facebook since you told them you where pregnant. I would also say to him it was unfair to ask dad that I miss out on his birthday meal because I am pregnant due to your wife.

The reason I would do this is because they are being unreasonable. She has been making smart comments about you on facebook. Both of them expect you not to go to your fathers birthday because your pregnant. What will happen when you have the baby - will you parents be allow to go to the hospital or to your house to see the baby?

stargazer 68

lady 2013 wrote: »

I would ring your sister in law. Tell her I am sorry that you can't have children and this is why you told I was pregnant before I told other people. Because of the way you have been behaving my family can't be glad of my pregnancy. I have had nasty comments on facebook. Also my father has asked me not to go his birthday meal as you don't want me there as I am pregnant.
I am going to this meal as I can't put my life or my babies life on hold for you.

Once you do this ring your bother and tell him that you have rang his wife and what you said to her. I would tell him you are sorry they can't have children but you have been ignored and had nasty comments on facebook since you told them you where pregnant. I would also say to him it was unfair to ask dad that I miss out on his birthday meal because I am pregnant due to your wife.

This is good advice OP IMO. I would also say you are going to your fathers birthday lunch and if they can't bear to be around you then they should be the ones to stay at home.

LegacyUser

unreguser wrote: »

They have known about a month now and nothing has changed, in fact, they have become quite bitchy about it, making posts on FB about my age, my lack of contraception even though the pregnancy was planned, little jokes that are quite barbed and hurtful.

Jeez if this is how juvenile and spiteful they are maybe its a good thing they can't have kids! Seriously how can they post stuff like that on fb? How mean and hurtful.

You were discreet about it, you told them privately and they still treat you like crap.
Your dad taking their side is not very nice either. Just because they can't have kids doesn't mean the world revolves around them, are they gonna dump all their friends that have kids too? I mean seriously they really cop on and realise that the world does not revolve around them. Best of luck with the remainder of your pregnancy.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for taking the time, I appreciate the replies especially from those from their side of the fence.

I've tried talking to them again, a phone call last night ended badly so I've made a decision to stay away from them and focus on my own family and being as healthy and as stress free as possible. They are hurt but also very angry with me as though I have done this just to cause them pain and I can't accept that no matter what they may be feeling. I am happy I have made the right choice although sad it has come to this but I have to think of what is best for my health too.

Thanks again.

Neyite

unreguser wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time, I appreciate the replies especially from those from their side of the fence.

I've tried talking to them again, a phone call last night ended badly so I've made a decision to stay away from them and focus on my own family and being as healthy and as stress free as possible. They are hurt but also very angry with me as though I have done this just to cause them pain and I can't accept that no matter what they may be feeling. I am happy I have made the right choice although sad it has come to this but I have to think of what is best for my health too.

Thanks again.

I actually feel quite sorry for them, despite their awful behaviour. How messed up are their heads because of infertility that this seems a rational and sane response to a family pregnancy. How is it any way to treat a family member? How can someone dictate another person's family planning?

I'm sorry to hear the phonecall went badly. I think keeping your distance for now is wise. Right now their grief is translating into anger and vindictiveness and you dont deserve that. I hope they find peace. And I hope that when they do realise that they are out of order, that you are generous enough to forgive them the hurt they caused you.

Merkin

unreguser wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time, I appreciate the replies especially from those from their side of the fence.

I've tried talking to them again, a phone call last night ended badly so I've made a decision to stay away from them and focus on my own family and being as healthy and as stress free as possible. They are hurt but also very angry with me as though I have done this just to cause them pain and I can't accept that no matter what they may be feeling. I am happy I have made the right choice although sad it has come to this but I have to think of what is best for my health too.

Thanks again.

I actually think, above all else, that this whole situation is just desperately sad. Their extreme reaction to such a joyous occasion gives a clear indication of their headspace and it just so happens you're in the firing line. They are obviously consumed with anger and grief and are not thinking rationally.

You are making the right decision m'dear. Keep your distance. You focus on your little one, on yourself and keeping as stress free as possible and enjoying your own little family. Don't let this detract from that. I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and I hope that one day they see the unfairness in the way they have behaved towards you.

December2012

unreguser wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time, I appreciate the replies especially from those from their side of the fence.

I've tried talking to them again, a phone call last night ended badly so I've made a decision to stay away from them and focus on my own family and being as healthy and as stress free as possible. They are hurt but also very angry with me as though I have done this just to cause them pain and I can't accept that no matter what they may be feeling. I am happy I have made the right choice although sad it has come to this but I have to think of what is best for my health too.

Thanks again.

Well I think you've done all you can. You should be proud of yourself for that.

It's a shame that they are so wrapped up in their own problems that they cannot be happy for you and be welcoming to your new little bean.

I wish you the happiest and healthiest pregnancy.

ncmc

Congrats on your wonderful news OP, like some of the other posters here, I struggled to get pregnant. It wasn’t as serious as your brother and sister in laws case, but I too had to watch my sister and sister in law announce pregnancies and wonder if it would ever be my turn. But I would never have treated either of them like your family has treated you. I hugged them and congratulated them and was genuinely happy for them. I think your brother and SIL reaction is beyond extreme. Can I ask what they are like normally? They sound like very difficult people to deal with and I’m wondering if it’s just that they are difficult people at the best of times and this is just another excuse to act the victim. I know people like this and unfortunately there isn’t much else to do but cut contact as much as possible and not to get caught up in their drama. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel ashamed about. Your parents reaction makes me wonder if this pair are just used to constantly being pandered to and playing the sympathy card. Your parents need to tell them to cop themselves on rather than pandering any further to them. In fact it’s your parents reaction I would be most annoyed at, but it sounds like they just don’t want to ‘rock the boat’.

I think you are doing the right thing. Keep your distance and your dignity. I just wanted to add that I think you have acted impeccably, from the way you tactfully told them your news to the olive branch you extended which was so rudely refused. You should be proud of yourself that you have acted correctly at every turn. I’m 29 weeks pregnant now and I know how emotional the hormones can make you, especially in the early days, so that’s another reason why I think you have been incredibly balanced and well behaved. Congrats again and hopefully we’ll see you in the pregnancy forum!

Toots

unreguser wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time, I appreciate the replies especially from those from their side of the fence.

I've tried talking to them again, a phone call last night ended badly so I've made a decision to stay away from them and focus on my own family and being as healthy and as stress free as possible. They are hurt but also very angry with me as though I have done this just to cause them pain and I can't accept that no matter what they may be feeling. I am happy I have made the right choice although sad it has come to this but I have to think of what is best for my health too.

Thanks again.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

I think you've done all you can at this stage. The ball is in their court now if they want to try to apologise and make amends. If you haven't already, I'd block them from your Facebook. They may continue to make bitchy comments in their statuses, but at least you won't have to read them, and you won't feel like you've got to avoid talking about the baby to your friends on FB.

As I said, you've made the effort and that's all you can do. Now enjoy your pregnancy and all the preparation the arrival of your little bundle.

Jenneke87

Block 'em on facebook and enjoy your pregnancy. They can come back into your life after they learned some basic manners.

K_P

First off, congratulations on your wonderful news OP. You've done absolutely everything the right way in this situation, up to and including now deciding to put your own well-being first and give them time and space. They are of course behaving appallingly, but it's coming from a place of such sadness and hurt that I do actually feel for them.

However, one thing I would say is to be careful that other members of your family in trying to be sensitive to your brother and SIL, don't end up freezing you out of things. You being told not to go to your father's birthday lunch is a prime example of that. I know you've said it's only a lunch and not that big of a deal, but I think it could set a dangerous precedent for how things could continue.

You shouldn't be punished for your happy news just because others in the family are going through some tough times. If they've decided to express their hurt and misplaced anger at you, they should be the ones dealing with the consequences of that, not you.

sadie06

I honestly can't believe your efforts have been rebuked. I do identify with what you are going through, as our second child ended up being due within a few days of the 2nd anniversary of my BIL and his wife's first child being stillborn. We had actually delayed TTC for roughly a year out of sensitivity, and then went ahead happy in the knowledge that they were expecting another baby.

We never thought about due dates, and when I became pregnant and worked it out, I was dismayed, and knew it was going to be a rocky road ahead. We got a very poor reaction from my husband's parents, and were asked how on earth we could have let this happen.

I wish I had taken your route and talked to BIL and his wife directly, but we were convinced by the inlaws to 'let them handle the news'. I regret that to this day, as it has never been discussed between us.

I think you have done everything you possibly could have done to ease the situation. As a last ditch effort (perhaps in a letter) I would appeal to them to recognise that there are two people in your relationship, yourself and your husband. You have a 'life-plan' together, and you would never expect your husband to agree to alter that plan over fertility issues within your family.

Point out that surely if the tables were turned, your brother would not have expected his wife to change her family plan if you had fertility issues.

You have been sensitive, and thoughtful, and if they don't see sense soon, I think you are doing the right thing in drawing a line under your relationship with them.

IrishEyes19

god, I think their behaviour is horrific. I can completely appreciate how awful it must be not to be able to conceive naturally, but the nastiness and bitterness of this situation is absolutely uncalled for. Grief I can understand, but not the slighting or remarks, its sick to be honest. and the fact that the OP's own brother is part of it, makes it no better.

I dont know what to suggest,OP, I feel by not going to the lunch, you are declaring that you are in the wrong, which is completely untrue and yet would they make a scene or make you awkward. Take care of yourself anyway, and congratulations. Baby number three, you are going to have your hands full soon, so right now you are the main priority.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

god, I think their behaviour is horrific. I can completely appreciate how awful it must be not to be able to conceive naturally, but the nastiness and bitterness of this situation is absolutely uncalled for. Grief I can understand, but not the slighting or remarks, its sick to be honest. and the fact that the OP's own brother is part of it, makes it no better.

I dont know what to suggest,OP, I feel by not going to the lunch, you are declaring that you are in the wrong, which is completely untrue and yet would they make a scene or make you awkward. Take care of yourself anyway, and congratulations. Baby number three, you are going to have your hands full soon, so right now you are the main priority.

Bang on. I understand that they're having a horrible time, but that's not an excuse in any way for the way they're treating you - it's like they're making you the personal target for their grief. That's just not on.

I think you just have to go to the lunch, and - hard as it may be - let any stupid remarks wash over you. If you don't go, you are setting the pattern for you and your children & baby to be ignored, and that's a lot of birthdays / Christmases to have to absent your immediate family so you can 'save their feelings' in extended family outings.

Honestly, no matter what they are feeling right now, they are being so nasty that it takes my breath away. And your parents are pandering to it, which is awful.

Grief does not equal a get out of jail card for treating others like crap. You have to remember this, and carry on with your life. You've done everything as nicely and considerately as anyone could expect. They are being so self-obsessed its unreal. Plus they're just going to have to deal with it - I mean really, what are they going to do, walk up to pregnant strangers and go on at them? They either deal with it, or they'll have no friends or family left, no support, and they'll end up splitting. Don't let yourself / your relationship with your parents be a casualty of their inability to deal with their infertility.

tinkerbell

OP, I cannot believe how disgusting they are behaving towards you. Yes it is heartbreaking that they can't have children but that does not give them the right to treat you and your baby like this. I actually cannot believe they are behaving this way - it is really really scummy behaviour, it's just sick.

What I would do is I'd just cut them out of my life, if I were you. Just pretend they don't even exist. Don't acknowledge them at all until they apologise and it better be a damn good apology for you to even consider forgiving them for this rotten thing they have done to you. I think you are making a mistake if you don't go to your dad's birthday dinner - by not going, you are giving them the message that you are on the wrong and their behaviour is perfectly acceptable. It's not. If anybody should not be attending the dinner, it is THEM as they should be ashamed of themselves.

I'd be having serious words with your parents too - they have made things worse by pandering to this nonsense.

Merkin

I totally agree tinkerbell. NOT going to her Dad's birthday is hiding away and complying with their twisted demands. It's almost setting a precedent then for the rest of her pregnancy and potentially the tot's babyhood.

If they feel so angry and bitter about the situation, then THEY should avoid the family occasion rather than dictating terms because of their own anger and grief.

Paddy Cow

OP imagine if someone had started a thread like this:

I'm having fertility problems and my sister in law emailed me privately to say that she was expecting baby number three before she announced it to the family. I can't believe how selfish she is being. She knows that we can't have kids and instead of being happy with having two, she has now got pregnant again.

Myself and my OH are so upset with their inconsideration that we have asked his parents to exclude them from an upcoming family gathering. His parents have agreed, which has affirmed our grievance. We have also made some posts on facebook and have had no negative feed back, so we know we are in the right.

The SIL contacted me and tried to make out like I was treating her unfairly but I fail to see this. How can she claim that I am being unreasonable when her own family back me up?

If someone posted this, they would be told politely that they are in the wrong. The only justification for your SIL to behave the way she is, is that currently family members support her. As wrong as it is, when there is a problem in a family, family members will go with the path of least resistance. You have said that your parents are lovely people but they give in to her for an easy life. You wanted to go to your Dad's lunch but gave in pretty easy. Instead you should be pointing out to your parents that you are their daughter and this child will be their grandchild who has a right to be part of family gatherings.

OP your family is just as much at fault as your SIL. They are creating a situation where you have to feel guilty for being pregnant and also a situation where your SIL feels justified in not having you around. Neither is healthy. You sound like a sensitive person who wouldn't rub the pregnancy in her face and the more she gets used to being around you, the better all round. In a few short months she is going to be an aunt and while a child has no understanding of adult relationships, adults do. Is she going to continue to ignore the child?

Is there anyway you can talk to your parents and have them see that by isolating you, they are making the problem much bigger?

LoonyLovegood

OP, I'm infertile. I don't spread it around, because, well, it's fairly private. Four of my friends have had children since we left school almost two years ago. I just smile and fake happiness for them until I am happy. I want children in the future, but it's not going to happen. But it's not my place to take away their happiness. If I do that, I'm being a bad friend, and honestly a bad person.

You've been more than accommodating with it. Could they look into fostering? Usually foster carers can be older than adoptive ones. It's an option for them, although if I was in your shoes I wouldn't even consider going near them again. I don't blame your OH for being angry. Enjoy your pregnancy and enjoy spending time with your children and OH. I hope you have a happy and healthy time, and congrats!