Baby fever and deciding on the right time.

KDII

Hello,

I decided to start this thread here to gather some expert advice from you parents! We are a same-sex female couple. We are absolutely devoted to each other and have really settled down together. I'm 24 next month and she is 23 in May. I have secured a job in the UK and she has come with me. She works full time here in a great job too and is undertaking her undergrad degree part-time. This should be complete in June 2015.

Basically, we are absolutely obsessed becoming parents. We have been really open with each other about our hopes to have a big family from early on in the relationship but recently its become a genuine distraction and a source of almost yearning in everyday life. I've recently become a godmother and I'm not sure if this is what kicked it into overdrive. I think a combination of moving in together, becoming a bit more financially secure and getting a job I can see myself in for years to come are all contributing factors. It's something I think about/google/read blogs etc. near constantly. I find myself staring aimlessly at nappies and formula in the supermarket. We look through the child clothing section of every shop we are in. We are under no illusions about how difficult it can be to be a parent. She works with children every day and I have an idea myself of how it can be. It's not a romantic notion we've taking but a genuine desire to have a baby together.

I suppose the point of this long, meandering post it that I'm wondering whether or not this is normal? I am kind of concerned about the fact that we've been gripped by this at such a young age. Did many posters experience something similar? Are we insane? And I suppose I'm anxious to know could this feeling get any stronger? Will a baby be the only thing to cure it?

Thanks for reading. Well done if you made it this far!

TLDR: Can't stop thinking about babies. Am I insane? Validate my plan.

nikpmup

Gaah! HAd a long reply typed out and my ipad died! I'll try to summarise!

The yearning to have a child is both biological and social. You and your partner are in a loving, committed relationship. You are both on the same page re kids. So far, so good. I met my partner 2 years ago, within months we had ''the conversation'', I was pregnant before our first anniversary and we have a beautiful five month old (and we're in negotiations for #2!) Age, or length of time together isn't the most important factor in deciding on having kids; how your relationship is and your commitment to raising a child together in a loving, supportive environment is. The fact that you are young and yearning for children isn't unusual - I wanted kids from the age of about 22.

I would recommend having a long, honest conversation - how your finances will cope, how your relationship will change, how you'll arrange childcare/return to work etc etc. I would also maybe talk to other couples in same sex relationships who have kids; find out what challenges/issues thay faced with having children. (For example, in a female same sex couple - whichever of you becomes pregnant and gives birth will be the child's biological mother, if you should split up, how will that affect the other partner and the child) Also, a conversation about the child's paternity would be prudent - how you will approach it in years to come, the child will deserve to know it's parentage. FWIW, I think ANY child brought into the world with love is a lucky child, the dynamics of it's family are secondary - love and security are what makes a family. You sound like you have a lot to offer and would make wonderful parents.

KDII

Thank you so much for your lovely message Nik!

Its actually lovely to be taken seriously about this! We have a home genuinely full of silly, happy, sloppy, dancey love. We are crazy about each other and really a pair of saps. I really appreciate what you say about family dynamics being secondary to love and security, it really reflects how we feel about it. The plan so far (and I really do know you can't actually plan these things) would be for my girlfriend to carry our first child. We are intending to do things above board in a clinic- as per law here in the UK I be the child's parent too. We will likely have a civil ceremony at some point soon aswell.

In terms of paternity, we certainly intend for the child to know the full story early on, as appropriate. We will be the child's parents but I can certainly see that there is a place for a distant uncle/family friend kind of thing if the donor wanted that. If not, we would present as much information as we could in the form of life story work etc. We live in a really liberal and gay friendly area here- the gay capital of the UK I suppose. There is dozens of gay parenting groups etc. so our children will hopefully have peers in similar families which we feel is important.

Financially what is there to expect? We are saving like mad yokes but are finding it hard to get a good idea of what to expect. In terms of buying things we would happily buy some things second hand and save the difference. We are a pair of buggy snobs though

nikpmup

Well, I'm as broke as a big bag of broke broken broke things, and I've still managed to provide for a child Practically speaking, there's equipment (buggy/pram/travel system, Moses basket, cot, high chair etc) and ongoing expenses (nappies, formula, food, medical expenses) I've got some second hand stuff and some new... you can decide for yourself what's worth forking out for and what has to be new. A Moses basket and cot mattress has to be new, as well as a car seat, other than that, it can all be second hand. I'm a bit of a buggy snob as well, but what you need buggy wise will very much depend on your lifestyle (what car you drive, whether you walk a lot etc etc) Look, you could spend thousands on stuff or you could get away with spending very little. The baby doesn't care either way

My sister is gay, and she and her partner are thinking of having children. TBH, in the UK, it's a lot more liberal and it seems to be a lot easier for same sex couples to have children than it is here, hopefully that's changing. I really really don't see how a committed same-sex couple can be viewed as less suitable parents than some of what passes for parents (Jeremy Kyle-type disasters!) but that's an argument for another day.

You sound like you are going into this with eyes wide open. It's great that you are in an area where same sex parenting is the norm. Becoming a parent is a huge life tilt, but it is so, so worth it and it just multiplies the love in a couple. For me (and my OH) we've gone from boyf/girlf to parents of a little boy. Our love has cemented. The fact that you and your girlfriend BOTH want to be parents bodes well, you are both working to a shared goal. I really don't see any reason why you shouldn't be parents.

Gather as much info and support as you can, the gay parenting groups will be a huge source of support now and going forward. Speak to people in your situation (ie, young and planning a family, as well as people who had a family young) It's hard work being a mom but worth every sleepless night and poopy nappy

Mink

Yeah totally normal to be mad broody. It hit me like a ton of bricks around 27/28, not long prior to that I wasn't particularly bothered about having kids at all and I'd already been married 7 years!

Didn't actually start trying for another 1.5yrs as himself wanted to wait a bit. Then we realised there is no good time and that we'd already been seriously considering it (& researching) for over a year.

It's definitely not something you want to jump into without thinking but then you don't want to overthink it and have everything "perfect" before you get preggers, cos that will never happen.

We had absolutely zero ducks in a row before getting pregnant but it all worked out, you make it work.

And as previous poster said, I can only imagine it's easier in UK dealing with same-sex parents issues. Also, there has to be an organisation that helps same sex parents get more info on sperm donor/ IVF, surrogacy, adoption etc. Would be worth googling and getting a number and they can point you in the right direction and then you can prepare yourself for whatever path you want to take.

Best of luck, baby dust your way