Maybe I'm not meant to be happy?

_lietome_

This post has been deleted.

Faith

Why don't you try focusing on what does make you happy? What strikes me most is you were in a relationship where you 'thought you could do better'. That's a really negative and entitled attitude to have, and makes me think that perhaps you're chasing something that doesn't exist. Write a list of the things that are good about you life, what you enjoy and what makes you happy. Every day, make a note of three things in your day that you enjoyed.

Some people seem to think that happiness is this really difficult to come by thing. It's not. If you ask any happy person why they're so happy, you'll realise it's because they find joy and happiness in the small things in life that unhappy people tend to overlook.

It's all about attitude, ultimately. Strive to look at the positive, not the negative.

marizpan

Happy is a choice!
Only when you realise this, will you find it.

Addle

_lietome_ wrote: »

maybe I should just accept things as is

You said it OP.

bluemagpie

Completely agree with Faith, it is all about attitude. It sounds like you indulge in too much introspection, try focus on what you enjoy and get out there doing things rather than thinking about it and over analyzing. For your degree just finish it and go for a job you are interested in and see how it goes, working in something is very different than studying it. We'd all get pretty miserable if we constantly introspect and over analyze everything we do.

beks101

The common thread in all of your listed "dissatisfactions" is that you're looking externally for what needs to come internally.

Some of the happiest people I know are the ones who have come through the toughest, most testing and devastating of times. Or the people that have the least in a material sense.

A cousin of my mother's works in a war-torn African country, has no money to his name and spends his days surrounded by abject poverty and death, constantly monitoring local news for updates on the impending danger and violence of his hometown.

And I've never met a more upbeat, joyful or smiley person. The man lives a very full life, centred around love and living-in-the-moment, and reward for all that he gives back.

A friend of my sister's lives with a long-term chronic illness which gives her a lot of daily pain and an inevitable short life-span, and I've never met someone so content, good-natured or positive about life. She's lost good friends to the same illness, so in a sense, she understands the absolute preciousness of her every minute, and she's always on the go - roping friends into trips and crazy adventures, prioritizing her time with family, friends and her boyfriend, initiating social events, getting excited about the small things we all take for granted - a new dress or haircut, or even a simple walk in the fresh air.

From observing these kind of people, and from my own experience of my happiest days, there are a few common themes:

Gratefulness
Counting your blessings. Cherishing the people in your life, cherishing your health and feeling "lucky" for all the small things that are so often just accepted as status quo.
For me, it's things like the ability to throw on a pair of runners and head out for a run in that rare tranquility you get at dawn; or catching up with a good friend over lunch; or walking over London Bridge on a sunny day; or spending time with my folks, who are the essence of who I am and what I want to be.
It's hard to harness this sentiment if your brain has been programmed into thinking the glass is always half-empty - but it is possible. I think the key is:

Finding something you love. Doing it every day.
It doesn't matter if it's cycling or reading or writing or listening to folk music or dancing or spending time with your closest friends. Figure it out. Monitor your moods. Listen to your gut. Find what that is and do it every. single. day. Prioritize it to make this possible.
I personally can be a very moody, introspective person with a tendency towards rumination. I'm sometimes irritable. Often emotional. To keep the negative feelings at bay, I run outside with upbeat music thumping in my ears. I've also taken up hot yoga and have been doing that every day for the last week or so and feel like a rock star.
It involves discipline, it involves an understanding that something's gotta give - I'm forfeiting my lie-ins and tendency towards disorganization to get my ass out the door on time every morning - but the trade off is the upbeat mood and boost of self-confidence.

Striving towards self improvement
We all want to be more successful, more popular, richer, thinner. Those are external things - I'm talking about internal things.
Striving to be a better person from a moral and spiritual stand-point. Striving for self-awareness and self-understanding in such a way that your confidence and inner happiness can only increase.
A lot of my own unhappiness over the years has been rooted in a self-hatred that manifested as self-destruction, addictions, an eating disorder, self-sabotage, unhealthy relationships, outward negativity towards others.
When you fully understand who you are, what is most important to you, what you value, what makes you tick and the kindness and compassion you are capable of, it is virtually impossible to hate yourself.
Because you're wonderful and so very capable. We all are. We just tend to get lost in the white noise around us and don't spend the time we deserve getting to know ourselves and appreciate our uniqueness.
There are various ways of doing this. If you've got religious beliefs, that can be a good route. Focusing on your spirituality through yoga, meditation etc. Reading and researching topics that interest you, finding out what makes you tick, what speaks to you. Therapy can be a good route to self-discovery, but so too can music, poetry, literature.

Giving back
Think about a time in your life when you really, really made someone's day. Maybe you gave a friend a thoughtful gift, or surprised someone at an airport. Now double that feeling. Triple it. And imagine feeling that same boost, that same energy and empowerment on a daily basis.
Life is about other people. It's about our interpersonal relationships and it's about how we relate to others. And ultimately in this life, you get back what you give.
It's funny because I even notice this at work - if I go out of my way to help someone, it immediately boosts my sense of self worth and confidence. I feel helpful, useful, resourceful, generous and kind of spirit - values that I hold dear. It gives me a stronger sense of identity, of counting.
Charity work works in the same way - while simultaneously reinforcing your sense of gratefulness for everything that you have - instead of focusing on what you have not.

Being proactive
So work sucks - it's just a way of paying the bills, find another way.
So your relationship is making you predominantly miserable - get out of it.
So the pills don't work - quit them. Find a new doctor. Take a new approach to your mental health.
So your social life is non-existent - phone an old friend, join a new group, put yourself out there. There are people in the same situation everywhere.
It's a simple way of looking at life and granted a difficult thing to put into action when you're so used to making yourself the victim to your own self-determined circumstances.
But your life and its direction is more of your own reckoning and dictated by your own actions than you think - and happy people are well-aware of this. Happy people remain happy by empowering themselves and taking their life in their hands to keep themselves on the track they want to be on.

Living for joy
True, unmitigated, unmedicated joy. There are too many reasons to frown and to be miserable every day of the week - the happiest people I know have programmed their brains to see the bigger picture and to find a belly-laugh or a smile even in the most strained of circumstances.
And that's what it's about really - seeing the bigger picture enough to realize that every moment is fleeting and nothing is permanent - neither the good stuff or the bad stuff.
You can afford to laugh or to take time out for a coffee with a friend or to self-indulge on things you enjoy a little no matter what the circumstances.
There is always time for joy - and that is ultimately what you will remember at the end of it all. Make time for it.


I guess the main thing to remember is that happiness comes and goes throughout life.
Life can be incredibly challenging and unfair too, and sometimes no amount of self-discipline or mental programming will prevent you from wanting to cry or shout or pack it all in.
But that really is the beauty of it all - the range of emotions and pains we get to experience as human beings, which has the potential to grow us and learn us and lead us to self-awareness and self-understanding.
But your life is in your own hands and no one thing, material or otherwise, is to blame for how you feel about yourself and your life. That is entirely of your own doing.