Friend engaged too soon

LegacyUser

A very close friend of mine, who lives in a different city has just told me that she got engaged to her new boyfriend. The thing is, they've only been going out just over 2 months. Ive never even met him.

I really worry now that shes making a huge mistake which will all end in tears. She barely knows this guy. and as a friend Im concerned but have no idea what to do or say to her. Should I just keep my mouth shut?

maroon

I'd stay quiet but prepare to be there for her when worse case scenario happens. Really it's just an engagement,not getting married just yet...

iusedtoknow

engagedtoosoon wrote: »

A very close friend of mine, who lives in a different city has just told me that she got engaged to her new boyfriend. The thing is, they've only been going out just over 2 months. Ive never even met him.

I really worry now that shes making a huge mistake which will all end in tears. She barely knows this guy. and as a friend Im concerned but have no idea what to do or say to her. Should I just keep my mouth shut?

Yes.

I knew i wanted to be with my gf forever pretty much from a month in. you haven't met him and you haven't seen them as a couple.
If you say something now, you could find yourself on the wrong side of a unit. Keep your mouth shut for now, get to know him and maybe, just maybe later in the future say something if it still worries you

Rachiee

Definitely don't say anything, if things work out between them you don't want them thinking you don't support their relationship. And if things don't work out you want your friend to be able to confide in you. Either way you're best not saying anything. Telling her what you think won't make her change her mind it will just cause problems in your relationship. All you can do is stand by her whatever happens.

Penny Tration

It's really not up to you to decide if it's too soon or not. That's her decision, nobody else's.

Congratulate her, wish her well, and be there for her if it falls apart.

ABajaninCork

Why are you so concerned, OP?

I met my husband, and within a month I knew he was the One. We were discussing marriage within weeks. Engaged after a year, and married the year after.

I'd mind my own business. Your friend is presumably an adult and able to make her own decisions. Never get involved in man & woman business! If it goes wrong, then be a shoulder to cry on. And don't judge her.

Rosy Posy

I had a similar situation with a friend who was in a different country, except that the first any of her friends had heard about this new guy was when they were getting married. At the time all of her friends were concerned and many of us voiced this to her, and I think she appreciated our honesty. It depends on how close a friend she is. There are some friends that you owe honesty to regardless of whether it's an uncomfortable truth, and others where that level of honesty is interfering. If you do decide to say something be sure to do so in a loving non judgemental way that is framed by your care and concern for her. When I was in this situation I told my friend that I was happy that she had found love and happiness with this guy and hoped it would work out for them but counselled her to enjoy married life for a few years with just the two of them, and to hold off having children with him until she knew him a bit better. Engagements and marriages can be dissolved but once you have a family with someone you're tied to them forever.

Tokyo

Her mistake (or not) to make and learn from, unfortunately. We all find ourselves at a point where we think that we know better than one of our friends about what's best for their lives - the fact is you'll probably be met with a resounding "**** off" if you say anything, as is common in these situations.

All you can do is be a supportive friend, hope the best for her, and be there for her if the engagement falls apart somewhere down the line.

Big Bag of Chips

I told my husband within 2 weeks of going out with him that we were going to get married! 14 years later we're still together, and still very much in love. We didn't get engaged for over a year, but we did buy a house together almost immediately. My mother voiced concerns that I didn't really know him, and should be sure he wasn't out to con me (!)

I'm sure there were others who thought it was all a bit soon too... But "when you know, you know". Your friend's relationship mightn't get to marriage stage. Or she may end up still married to him in 60 years time. It's not your place to warn her off. You can wish her well.. you can say "Wow! That was quick".. but right now she is blissfully happy and super excited, and will not appreciate people raining on her parade.

Be happy for her, right now. Be there for her in the future if it goes wrong.

Alf. A. Male

OP, if you were happy in your relationship and convinced it was a lifelong one, would you listen to anyone who told you different? No, neither would I.

Merkin

Mr. Merkin proposed to me after six months. I don't think time has a huge bearing on anything, when you know you know.

You haven't even met this guy so I don't think you're in any position to say anything really given the fact that she is happy and in love and you don't know him from Adam.

Wish her well and support her in her decisions.

amen

I don't think time has a huge bearing on anything, when you know you know.

exactly. I knew two weeks after meeting my wife that she was the one. Happily married 14 years.

Sometimes you just meet someone and you know you are meant for each other.

Thats just the way it is

My sister got engaged, married, and has now a family within two years of meeting her husband. Some said they moved too fast in the beginning, but now that everyone sees how happy they made each other and how good they are together, it got soon forgotten.

It isn't your place to give those sort of opinions - friend or not. Be happy for them.

beks101

From your friend's perspective - she's probably going to come up against a lot of opposition, reservation, hostility, mockery and downright judgement from her family and friends. How you act now will dictate whether or not your friendship continues.

A friend of mine got engaged to a Canadian girl within four months of meeting her online. Cue the comments and judgements and "jaysus what the hell is wrong with him" blah blah blah. Honestly, I was in that camp too, I thought he was mental and on auto-pilot, looking for a girl to marry, any girl etc. Couldn't understand it but expressed my support and held my tongue.

Two years later they are even more madly in love, have a house together, still planning a big wedding and excited about starting a family.

I met them a few months ago and we had a heart-to-heart about everything, they told me they both lost what they considered to be really good friends at the time because they simply couldn't be happy for them and exhibited that through all kinds of behaviours - my friend's fiancee in particular faced a lot of hostility from her female friends, a lot of cynicism ("he's only looking for a visa") blah blah blah, and they both essentially - rightfully - cut all these people out of their lives. They had to, to move forward as a couple.

Be there for your friend. Give her a hug and tell her congratulations and get excited with her about planning her big day. Stay out of her business unless you see serious warning signs (verbal/physical abuse, manipulation from his side). Because in truth, even if he's the biggest aRsehole in the world, it's still her mistake to make.

But if your friendship means anything to you, you'll let her get on with her life and offer unwaivering support.

cat_dog

I dont think it's any of your business. She's obviously in love w this guy and you telling her she's doing the wrong thing isnt going to make you look like a nice friend. Stay out of it

Animord

My BF met her husband and was engaged within two months, 15 years later they are still, not just happy, but sick-makingly in love. Sometimes it just happens.

Just be happy for her and if the pieces need picking up afterwards then be there, but don't go in telling her she has made a mistake. It might not be true.

Toots

Try not to worry too much, as you say, you've never even met the guy. You've never seen them together or how they interact. Why not visit to give your congratulations and then when you meet him you might find a lot of your worries go away.

Personally speaking, I knew after about a month that my husband was the man I was going to marry, however I was 17 at the time, so that necessitated a bit of a wait until we could actually get hitched, although if we'd had the means to find somewhere to live at that stage and he'd asked me, I'd have said yes without a second thought. My sister in law moved in with her now-husband within a few weeks of meeting him, they started trying for a baby a couple of months later, got married when baba was a year old, and three years and another baby later they're still madly in love.

marizpan

My husband proposed to me after 6 mths and married within 2 yrs. we are married 7 years now and madly in love with three small kids. Not just happily married but still in love, passionate and intense.

We knew we where the one for each other within weeks. When you know you know. I now realise how lucky we are as we have seen most of our friends relationships/marriages go stale and resentful quickly. Give me passion any day