Things coming to a head

dublinexplorer

5 months ago myself and my girlfriend realised we had different thoughts on having kids, she couldnt be more suitable to being a mum and if I had kids I know I would be doing it because of her needs. At the time of discussing we said we would give things abit longer to see if anything changed, it has clearly been eating away at her in the past week and she finally opened up again lastnight, it has come to a point where we break up or I can say yes to having a family in the future. I know there are no magic fixes in this situation so I am writting this to get some opinions from anyone that may have experienced something similar, my priority is about protecting her, nothing else matters as far as i am concerned

ManOfMystery

When you break it down to the basics, relationships require a certain level of compatibility to work. That includes long term plans re: marriage and kids. If she is adamant she wants kids, and you are adamant that you don't, then that is a major incompatibility.

I don't think you should do it to make her happy or 'protect' her. You have to want this for yourself also, or inevitably your relationship will suffer as you will feel you're making sacrifices and taking on pressures/demands which you never wanted in the first place. Having children is a big, big commitment.

If you are sure that you'll never change your mind on this matter, then it may be better to end things now and let your partner move on in life and perhaps find someone who will share her desire to have children together.

Holsten

Don't have children if you don't want them.

Don't get forced into it.

She will not change her view on wanting them.

Tokyo

OP,

I think that there's a lot more to take into account here than "protecting her" - as her partner and potential father of her planned children, you have a major stake in this too. This is one of these things where you do need to be honest to yourself and your partner - burying it under the guise of making her happy will not change things.

You need to talk openly about your relationship and its future. IF it's a case of you just not wanting kids now, then you need to discuss a timeframe together, but if you really don't want children at all, and she does, then there are some hard choices to make - and by that I mean walking away from each other. If you have children just for her sake then some day you are going to wake up and resent your partner for putting you in a situation that you don't want to be in, and possibly resent the children too - and there are already too many threads on that topic here.

Not wanting children doesn't make you a bad person, to her or to anyone else, but this is something where there really are no half measures. You're either all in, or not at all.

Good luck OP.

iusedtoknow

There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. But you need to ask yourself. Do you not want kids now, or not at all.

I used to think that I simply did not want kids, and we had a similar conversation before we got really really serious. I thought long and hard about it, and I realised that I did not want kids then - i was 24 and just getting my life really started in my new home. However I realized I did want kids eventually - as my then GF (now wife) did.

The urge is strong in my wife to be a mother, and because I realized that I did eventually want kids, positioned myself career wise to be comfortably support everything when the time comes. We're trying now (unfortunately lost one) but in all honesty, i've never seen her happier than at the prospect of having kids, and not only is the prospect making me happy, i also like seeing her that way.

So ask yourself, is it no kids now - or no kids ever. They are slightly different, but that slight difference will make a huge difference now in the way you deal with things with your GF.

LegacyUser

I hope my story might help. I do not envy what you are going through OP.

Myself and my boyfriend were going out for ten months when we finally had a proper conversation about children and had to accept that we were on a completely different page. I was quite sure I wanted children. He did not at all. We decided the only thing we could do was to break up. We cut all contact and just met up a few times to discuss our troubles in more detail. After a month and a half I arranged to meet him to say a final 'goodbye' as I needed to try and move on.

Another month and a half later he got in touch to say he had changed his mind and that he would have children with me. We plan to start trying for a family real soon...

We were both miserable while we were apart because we knew we had something really special between us. My boyfriend decided that was more important than his reasons for not having children.

My advice is to break up. There is no compromise when it comes to having kids or not. When you break up it will concentrate your minds and you will find out what is more important - being together or your opinion about having kids.

I will just finish by saying that it took my boyfriend a good year to start getting relaxed about the idea of having kids. I won't say he is over-excited yet, but I know he will be a great father and I know he will try his best.

It's not a nice situation to be in and I wish you the best of luck. Having this issue come between me and my boyfriend is one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through.

FunLover18

Don't have children to suit her. She's better off with someone who shares her dreams and the children will be better off with a dad who actually wants them.

December2012

Maybe before you break up you guys should go talk things out for a session or two with a relationship counsellor.

LegacyUser

If your girlfriend wants children and you don't you need to be honest with her in regards to this. I know that some people want to have a family but they also want to travel, buy there own home or be in a better financial position before trying for a family.

Perhaps you have decided that you have no interest in having children and this is your choice. One of my male friends ended a long relationship because she wanted children and he did not.
It is unfair to stay with your girlfriend unless you both really want children.

A child deserves to have a mother and father who both want them. Having a child is big change for even the strongest relationship. I would also consider how you would both cope if you had a child with health problems or one who needed extra help ie speech/occupational/physotherpy in order to overcome development delay.
You may be in a situation where one of you needs to give up work due your child needing ongoing care along with a lot of medical appointments.
I am not trying to be scare you but I know several couples who are coping with children in these type of situations. They have had to fight to get services/help for there children or to get some extra funds from social welfare to meet the costs they have.

Don't have a child to keep your girlfriend happy as long term your relationship may end. Also as a child grows up they know if there parents or parent is unhappy. The best thing you can give a child in a secure home where they are loved.