Depressed and can't get over it

LegacyUser

I am really struggling.

From as long as I can remember I have hated life. I have zero self confidence. I go to bed wishing I don't wake up. I am now in college and have been diagnosed with BiPolar. Occasionally I will be happy but it is only for a short amount of time before again the depression kicks in.

It has ruined my life. There are so many things I want and things I know I can do but I don't. Even getting out of bed can be a massive struggle. I continually get flashbacks of stuff I have done in the past, stuff I am embarrassed by but that really shouldn't matter. Things I say that don't go down well. It shouldn't haunt me like they do.

Right now, I just don't see the point. I can't go out. I am petrified of nights out, petrified of social events, prettified of making a fool of myself. This means I withdraw myself from social events, limiting my chances of meeting a girl and getting into a proper relationship.

I have one very close mate who has helped me so much. He has saved my life on multiple occasions. Although I have used him as a crutch and feel bad for him. On nights out I would text him saying stuff like Help Me. It's not fair on him. I am in love with him. It kills me to admit it but its true. I don't know what to do. I am beginning to think he may be part of the problem. I know nothing can ever happen and when I see him being social it kills me. Maybe I need to cut him out of my life? But I don't think I could. Although, I fear he may cut me out of his life when I annoy him to much.

There are times I just feel awful. I don't know if I do it just for attention or what. But it hurts. I can't explain how much pain it is some nights. Just lying in bed, waiting, praying to fall asleep but the pain in my head stops it. All the stupid thoughts, flashbacks of embarrassing moments. Just wishing I had someone.

I don't know what I expect to get from this. But I just needed the rant.

Holsten

Reading that you seem to be very depressed.

You've been diagnosed bipolar, are you on anti-depressants or any form of medication?

I'd suggest a talk with your GP or whoever diagnosed you asap.

freshpopcorn

I think you should talk to your GP again,
You mention that you stay away from social events which limit your chances of meeting a girl. Then later on you say your in love with a male friend. I(I don't know if this is in a sexaul way or a friendly way) I hope you know that its okay to be gay/bi.

LegacyUser

I was much better for around 2 or 3 months but its all crashed again.

I get flashbacks of stupid stuff I have done (not that stupid, it wouldn't bug most people) but it keeps me awake and I have mini panic attacks.

I am on <snip> and go to counsellor and psychiatrist but don't really open up much to them. I hold a lot of it back in. Don't know why, but I am not comfortable sharing.

I know I can't continue like this. It's not fair on my mate who I use as a crutch. He's been great help but I know he is now tired of supporting me. But at the same time. I need the help.

roleplayer

Hi there to you,
Having suffered from depression for longer then I care to remember, I have some idea how you feel. I am not you, so obviously I don't know everything about how you feel.

All I will / can do is tell you what I have tried and how I got this far.

• Silly as it may sound, talk. To your GP, to someone you are refered to councillors etc. Friends are always a great source of help, but remember that as your friend they have their own stuff going on. Some will resent you unburdening on them, some may "freak" . The advantage of talking to someone from outside is you can say anything you like about anyone and you shouldn't have to worry about anything.
• if you are prescribed anything, look them up, find out the effects good and possibly bad. Make an educated decision about taking them, but do this with your doctor. Do not change dosages or suddenly stop taking anything without your doctor (I did this trust me not a good idea, that one ended in hospital)
• Try to have routine in your life, for me this is getting up at the same time each day, eat/drink. I then go for a walk, cold weather isn't a problem, rain can be a pain, but the air does you good and changing your route is also a great idea so your body doesn't get used to a single route. Home for a bite of lunch, then I try to read or do a crossword to get my brain working a bit. Another walk before dinner, then for the evening nothing too exciting. Allow your brain to slow down.
• Each night going to bed, I put on an MP3 mix of the same classical music, and I try to sleep in the same comfortable position. Again habit can be good to stop thoughts going round and round in your head.
• For myself I stopped drinking, I wasn't drinking loads, or going on mad benders, but I was doing stupid things. I could blame the drink, others might let me away with the stuff blamimg it on the drink, but really it was me acting a fool.
• You will have bad periods, times when you feel all the effort you have put in is for nothing, but these times will pass, again talking to someone out of your circle of friends will eventually allow you to open up. If you have trouble talking to them, tell them even that, maybe they can find someone better.
• If you are in school / college, try to keep at it. I allowed myself to give up. I still regret it to this day. But on the other side something that seemed such a bad move wasn't I have moved into a different area. Life went on.
• You mention "stupid stuff" you have done, it may be bothering you now, but we rarely do really stupid things. You need to put it in perspective.

• As mentioned I have ended up in hospital yes a physc ward more then once. Again this is not the end of the world. It is a cliche I am sure you have heard if it was a broken leg no one would blink twice about a hospital visit. Anyone that judges you doesn't understand what you are going through or their opinionisn't worth it.
• Finally as I am sure you are getting bored, or have lost the concentration to read this (yeah it happens ot me and I used read loads and I mean loads of books). My last time in the hospital, when I was worst, I made a promise just to me. "I would get better" simple really, I would try anything and do anything suggested, the ones that worked I would keep in my life, the ones that didn't I would get rid of. That is how I am now. I have good days and bad, but I am getting better.

I know I do not know and have not experienced your life, but I hope a few thoughts and ideas from mine help.


any questions at all, post them here
C.

Taltos

Can I remind posters per our charter please don't ask others to get into private consul with you. This is as much to protect you as it is them.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

Thanks roleplayer. I am doing my best to stay positive but find it very difficult. I should be out enjoying life, instead, I am normally alone, trying to get some sleep to get away from it all.

I am prettified of social situations which makes me feel more upset, then I see photos and hear stories of my mates who were out which makes me feel like I am different and puts me in such a bad mood. Even the though of going out fills me with dread and pain.

I am also very self conscious about my body especially my arms as I am very skinny. Now with the good weather coming, I feel uneasy. At least in the cold I can wear jumpers to cover up and hide them. I am going away to SE Asia where it would be hot. I wish I could go swimming with confidence and not be ashamed of showing off my arms.

I have just increased my medication so we will see if that helps.

roleplayer

Hi there again,
Firstly again I know you and I are different. I am sure we are different ages could be different sexes and again I would be fairly certain life stories. It is funny but if we compared we might even envy each other at times. Back to my point, I am not preaching, no one knows how you feel better then yourself.

Even if you are alone, try to get into a routine, it seems daft but having specific things to do at certain times helps block out the negative thoughts, these used to constantly go through my head, and still sometimes do. Any break from them is good though and helps just to have a break.

The anxiety you feel of social situations is really really common. We are all different shapes and sizes, and we all like and enjoy different things. There is no one thing that is right or wrong. It isn't ever a simple as black or white, everyone is a shade of grey. There are loads of things you can practice from breathing specific ways to CBT to help relieve this, your local hospital or gp should be able to point you in the right direction for anxiety help.

I have had many different body shapes and sizes during my life sofar, too skinny, too fat, too hairy, too short, too tall. None of these are actually right. Our bodies change loads during the different stages of out life. I don't know what your arms are really like, but I assure you for as much as you worry about them, others are worrying about their body parts. Wear a linen shirt while out, it is cool and can cover your arms. Look around you, you'll see most people have bits or pieces they don't like.

Finally, you say you upped the dosage of your meds. Do this with your doc., if he or she doesn't know, tell them.

Information is key, for you and them. The more you both know the better you can work together.

Sorry for another long post.
Reply or whatever if you like I will answer as soon as I can.

You're not alone,
C.

Est28

Hi OP,
It's tough going and I can sympathise. I've encountered people who were bipolar and I've had times in my life too where things got me dow an aweful lot. It's not easy.

I've said in the past here, I'm not a huge proponent of GP's or councellors. If you find the right one they can be awesome. But a lot of GPs do sort of dismiss this stuff and councellors, while meaning well dont have all the answers and just offer a lot of generic advice. They make their money by keeping you coming back, not by fixing all your problems in one sitting.... so it's very difficult to find one who REALLY is a great fit for you...

... but do look!

Here's the thing about it though. No matter what someone else does or says for you. It's your own mind. You control it. So even if they tell you what to do, you still are the one who has to apply it and make it happen for changes to happen.

So what I mean is... it's really your own mind who makes up sad thoughts, but you can also be responsible for making happier thoughts. If you google more about this stuff there's lots of ideas and info out there so I won't write a novel on it but it helped me a lot.
Some of the basic stuff sounds hokey but it works....

... like, think of things you ARE good at, confident at, things which make you feel on top of the world. Think of the feelings you had. You can train yourself to feel that again.
As Barney Stinson says... When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

Sounds funny right? But he's kinda right. When you wake up in the moring, allow yourself an hour to feel however you want. Then just tell yourself to "STOP!" and put whatever is on your mind on the back burner and think of something good or awesome instead. It'll creep back in but every time it does just tell yourself to STOP again. Over time, you naturally just start thinking of better things by default.

Ultimately, this is what you have to do, GP or not. It's your own mind that gives you sad thoughts some times, start training yourself to think better or happier things, over time it begins to stick.

Hope this helps a little.

zoe 3619

Good luck.thinking of ye.stop thinking of the bad things.all in the past.wake up tomorrow and listen to the birds singing.life has so much to offer you.enjoy it.oh,and tell your gp how youre feeling.if you feel you can't,it's very easy to change your doctor.find one you're comfortable with and have a chat.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the support and advice.

Thankfully I am in college so get free counselling and psychiatrist which is very useful. My psychiatrist basically told me not to make any big decisions soon as I am in a low mood. Which is fair enough, I was considering dropping out of college which probably was a stupid idea.

I just find doing college work so difficult. Today tried to do some but kept getting distracted, then ended up sleeping from 4-7 and now feel even more tired and unmotivated but know I won't be able to get to sleep for ages.

Ill try get some food and start some work. Try make it a productive day.

roleplayer

Hi there to you OP'r how are things going with you? It has been a while since you posted, I was thinking of you and hope things are a bit better, that the people you have been able to talk to have helped or at least pointed you in the right direction.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Taltos

Hi roleplayer - welcome to PI/RI.
Please note per our charter it is not acceptable to ask for an update. Threads are not here for our entertainment and requests for updates places unwanted pressure on OPs to come back to threads they may have moved on from.

As it has been a while since the OP has been back I will go ahead now and close this thread. OP if you want this re-opened please contact any of the mods in strictest confidence.

Thanks
Taltos

Taltos

Re-opened at OPs request

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks Taltos for re-opening the thread and roleplayer for the concern.

Basically, I'm just fed up with life, I don't really want to kill myself but put it this way, if I was to die, I wouldn't exactly be upset.

The problem I think is a combination of extremely low self esteem from being bullied when I was younger, being messed up after being sexually abused by a family member when I was younger, one who I still have to see frequently and my mate. Basically, I am obsessed with my mate. He has stopped me killing myself and has always been there for me. He was the only person I trusted for a long time, I am slowly gaining the ability to trust people but it's hard. The was a group of us that went away and obviously being students we were scabby so loads of us squeezed into a small apartment and as a result we were sharing beds. This was just after I had attempted suicide and I told him about it. There were tears and he gave a hug. As sad and pathetic as it sounds, I just want to go back to then. I felt safe.

I am attracted to him for some reason and I can't get over him to be honest. I don't know what to do, because I can't imagine life without him as a mate. Also, we share pretty much the same group of friends went to the same school and are in college together so I see him pretty much every day. Am meant to go away with him and 2 others this summer but I am not sure if its a good idea.

roleplayer

Thank you for re-opening the thread, I know I am not the OP, and it wasn't me that asked for it to be re-opened. But strange though it may sound, trying to help others through our experiences, can help both those currently suffering from depression and also those getting over it.

I think it was my fault that it was closed though. My questions were meant to be retorical, I wasn't expecting answers. Also when I suggested asking for help I didn't mean here, but rather in general. Sometimes the hardest thing can be the initial move to reach out.

I will pay more attention to how I phrase things in future.

roleplayer

Hi there again,
I am glad you are in a position to talk to us.

Again, I'm not you, both you and I have experienced different things sofar in our lives, and I am pretty sure I am further along in mine then you are yours. But we do have this thing called depression in common. It can make decisions that at other times we'd make in a flash, seem like major life changing events. So below are just my thoughts, mine, not being forced on you and I am in no way arrogant enough to assume I am right.

I think that you have exactly hit the nail on the head maybe without even realising it. Your friend, who was there when you were at your weakest, who was there to hold you and almost taking the place of a parent to tell you it was ok. If he is to stay the friend you want, then maybe as you already suggest as you are beginning to trust others, now is the time to take a step away from the comfort of your friend and make more friendships not associated with such a low time in your life.

It isn't for long after all, a few months only. You'll all have new stories to tell and laughs to have. In addition a little bit of a break will mean after the summer, yourself and your best friend can get back to a friendship not based or reliant on his support.

Again, these are just my thoughts, I know myself I needed time away from people who had seen me at my worst, so that wasn't all they saw or all I imagined they saw. After a little break, I was just me again.

Stay safe, look after yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.

So do you think I shouldn't go away with them in the summer. It's meant to be 4 of us going, got flights booked, but I am staying over there for at least another 3 weeks after the other three come home. I have already mentioned I might not be able to go away. I have already paid for flights/injections etc so I don't want the money to go to waste. Not really sure how to tell the others that I will be going away just not with them, but will have to be on the same flight as them on the way over.

roleplayer

Hmmmm,
Not really sure what to say, The problem that you have paid gotten your jabs and the others are expecting you to go, could have you feeling even worse or guilty even though looking after yourself (your number 1 priority) isn't something you should let bother you.

Saddly again, I am not you and don't know how you would handle telling your mates, or even sitting at home thinking of them off somewhere exotic.

I would try to distance myself a little and to become less reliant on the one friend in particular you have feelings for. Not cutting them from your life or avoiding them, which as you say might lead to hard to answer questions, but rather just a bit of distance, missing a night out or two, finding a new hobby I know sounds cheesy, but again new friends who know nothing of the past will be a refreshing change.

Again you are number 1, your health and well being should be more important than anything. Only when you are back to your true self should you spend energy on others.

LegacyUser

I think I'll have to go away with them, I am only travelling with them for 6 weeks, not really looking forward to it though. Then Ill be going another 3 weeks on my own, but if I pass exams first time I might stay out another month or so. I suppose I'll have to see how I am doing though.

I do have an issue though as I run a small business and need to find someone to run it for me when I am away. Basically been tied to this and other businesses for the last 5 years having to check every day for support queries etc. I was looking forward to taking a break from it and have no commitments at all. So hopefully that will help.

Est28

Half the problem is, every thing you write is so negative.

It has a huge bearing on things. I work abroad now and I really notice this with irish people in general.
While the locals will greet me with "Hi! How is your day going? It's so nice out!"
Irish friends will greet me with "huuummph... how's it going, era, not TOO bad I suppose..."

I know it's not intentional but it sounds like pure misery. And that's a big problem with people and the "depression" epidemic. Everyone has their troubles but you make light of the good things, not dwelling on every little problem.

roleplayer

Est28,
From your post I can only assume that you have been lucky enough to never have suffered from the "depression epidemic" as you put it.

Sometimes, it isn't as simple as looking on the positive side. Part of the issue with depression is the circular thinking involved, i.e. things look bad -> things go bad -> things looking worse -> things go bad........

It is very very difficult to break this cycle, try to imagine only sleeping for less then an hour a night, the rest of the time all that is going through your head are the problems, the seemingly endless problems and the fact all you can see are them getting worse with no solution. If you can manage to imagine this now imagine it for a year... then tell me how I can look more positively on things.

In itself sleep deprevation is used as a form or torture, and within depression it is your own mind doing it.

Yes looking positively on things is great, but it can take a lot of work and help to get to such a position.

This work and help would seem to be what the OP is looking for, this takes courage and he is to be admired.

LegacyUser

While I do think I should be more positive, I think it would be fair to say it's not the main contributing factor, well not in my opinion. If someone asks me how I'm doing, I'll always respond positively, I have been putting on a false front for so long, that before I started telling (only a select few) people, I always came across as a happy lad. Most people would still have no idea (I think).

It comes across that you don't believe in depression, so theres not much point discussing it with you. I've had my appendix rupture, I would gladly choose to go back to that, then the pain in my head when I get really badly depressed, thoughts running through my head, not trusting myself and having no way to escape.

Est28

roleplayer wrote: »

Est28,
From your post I can only assume that you have been lucky enough to never have suffered from the "depression epidemic" as you put it.

Sometimes, it isn't as simple as looking on the positive side. Part of the issue with depression is the circular thinking involved, i.e. things look bad -> things go bad -> things looking worse -> things go bad........

It is very very difficult to break this cycle, try to imagine only sleeping for less then an hour a night, the rest of the time all that is going through your head are the problems, the seemingly endless problems and the fact all you can see are them getting worse with no solution. If you can manage to imagine this now imagine it for a year... then tell me how I can look more positively on things.

In itself sleep deprevation is used as a form or torture, and within depression it is your own mind doing it.

Yes looking positively on things is great, but it can take a lot of work and help to get to such a position.

This work and help would seem to be what the OP is looking for, this takes courage and he is to be admired.

Both my life and the lives of some close to me have been greatly effected by depression as a matter of fact and I've said many times I take it VERY seriously as it is so debilitating. So take a walkin someones boots before judging them.
The difference is I and some I have known have very successfully worked through their difficult periods in life and, hey, maybe, just maybe someone in that exact position is EXACTLY the person who might be able to offer some real insights to the OP, but what do I know I guess.
On the other hand I've kown people who were NOT clinically depressed but just would not work through their issues. And sadly things never improved for them... it was always about someone else doing it for them or a councellor having some magic wand to fix everything, which never happens.

But that is precisely why I am TOTALLY against self diagnoses and even doctors who just blame everything on depression. EVERYONE has problems. For SOME it is a major issue and changes their life.

For others, and I see this WAY too much, when they get alittle down or refuse to put in the effort to solve lifes difficulties, they search for other things to blame it on and it seems like every problem in the world can just be blamed on depression.

There is a difference between "feeling depressed" and actual clinical depression.

While suffering from this is HORRIBLE. What must be recognized is that it is CUREABLE... if its just used as an excuse or a crutch like "Oh... someone on an internet forum diagnosed me with depression, I can just blame that for my problems and do nothing about it" then it's VERY irresponsible of those banding about this advice IMO.
If someone has depression, I KNOW how difficult it is to self motive but unfortunately, it's the ONLY way out of it. Thankfully it is a very curable condition as long as it hasn't gone TOO far but it takes a lot of fighting from within to make yourself do what needs to be done.
Some will do it, some won't.