pregnancy...breakups and ex's

NeedAnonAdvice

so im 4 months pregnant , as happy as i am about it i am also extremely sad at this moment in time ... my boyfriend and i broke up in january after a row in a pub ( honestly and truly the worst place in the world for this to happen ) when his ex girlfriend walked in and everything in truth went to **** , every time i looked he was staring at her with her placing herself very clearly in his eye line, she sat herself down beside him and everytime i walked into the room they had there heads together talking , now i know this seems like im just being jealous but i do have an honest to god reason for being annoyed about this girl ..

*she was the girl that broke his heart , he has told me that .

*they were back sleeping together up to two months before i met him and started seeing him ,obviously still something there

*when she heard he was seeing me she was on to him telling lies about me saying he deserved better

* she asked him to spend valentines day with her and got annoyed when he wouldnt reply saying "your spending it with her arent you "

* ringing him at three in the morning when im lying in bed beside him

* she told him straight out to dump me and him and her could get back together again

* for his birthday she sent him a picture message of the two of them together saying remember how we used to be and jokes the two of them shared

so i think i do have a valid reason for having a thorn in my side about this girl , honestly i think she is brazen to the core but regardless of that , i ended up reacting after sitting there for hours while i watched her gazing at him in the pub and the two of them chatting , it really bothered me to the point that i asked him could we move and he said no that i was to sit and take it ... so after a while she turns to me after finishing a convo with him and says "are you ok " to me . to which i replied that my boyfriend had informed me of all the messages she had been sending him and i would be when she stopped messaging him , she goes to the bathroom crys ... i end up being the bad person anyway we broke up after that .... we started seeing each other again recently and i discovered she is still messaging him , even more so now after hearing that we broke up , but whats worse is that he is replying and has told me he will talk to who ever he wants ,

am i mad or should my feelings be considered ? as i said im four months pregnant ,and shes the woman that broke his heart , he also lied to me about talking to her , i had to see the messages myself ... they were talking valentines day , which really stung . what do i do ? im not comfortable with this and if it was the other way around and he was feeling that way about someone from my past i would do everything i could .

what should i do? i want to make my family work but i cant sacrifice how i feel about him being in contact with this woman either?

ShaShaBear

You need to tell him that she cannot be a part of his life if you and his child is to be. And you need to be prepared that he will make his choice as her, and you also need to be prepared to walk away if that's the case. It sounds like he knows he has you where he wants you, and he can have his ex as well. Don't let him walk all over you just because you are pregnant!

Tasden

ShaShaBear wrote: »

You need to tell him that she cannot be a part of his life if you and his child is to be. And you need to be prepared that he will make his choice as her, and you also need to be prepared to walk away if that's the case. It sounds like he knows he has you where he wants you, and he can have his ex as well. Don't let him walk all over you just because you are pregnant!

While I agree that he needs to decide between you and her (although I think he has made his decision going by your op) you cannot ask him to decide between you and the baby and her. The baby is his baby and no matter what happens in your relationship with him and how he proceeds with this other girl it had nothing to to do with his involvement in his child's life. Please op do not bring the baby into any ultimatums, you're well within your rights to walk away from the relationship but you can't walk with the baby.

It looks like this guy doesn't have a lot of respect for your feelings and the fact that ye broke up and he isn't trying to resolve things, but instead is just contacting her, confirms this. I see why you're not a fan of the girl but a lot of what went on the guy had a part to play in too. Its a lot easier to place the blame on the woman turning his head but at the end of the day its his choice to turn his head in her direction.

I hope you're ok, this is the last thing you need at this time but its better you know now rather than after building a home with him and being let down then.

NeedAnonAdvice

that is exactly how i feel , we are on a trial run he said he has to see there not going to be any rows before he jumps back in again , and when i asked him had he spoke to her since the row we had he said she text him asking should she get in touch with me to let me know theres nothing going on between them ?! he said he replied back telling her no to leave it that im mental and i would stab her??! i was obviously shocked and when he saw my face he said he was messing that he hadnt heard from her and that she would probably never talk to him again after my behavior in the pub , but he had been talking to her and lied straight to my face even tried to make me feel bad for telling her what honestly i think anyone in position would have aswell , to stop messaging my boyfriend! so because were on a trial run he said if anything starts he will walk away , i feel like hes completely taking advantage because he knows how important it is to me that our baby has us both together , honestly im beyond hurt , he dumped me again last night because he said im "spying on him" over finding the messages, but it was pretty obvious to me that he had lied and i was right ... so yet again i have had to talk him around , he said he might have been stubborn but he will talk to her if he feels like it ? i feel like im being walked on , i honestly do , how do i get him to see my point of view without losing everything? im scared to move incase he walks away!

ShaShaBear

Tasden wrote: »

While I agree that he needs to decide between you and her (although I think he has made his decision going by your op) you cannot ask him to decide between you and the baby and her. The baby is his baby and no matter what happens in your relationship with him and how he proceeds with this other girl it had nothing to to do with his involvement in his child's life. Please op do not bring the baby into any ultimatums, you're well within your rights to walk away from the relationship but you can't walk with the baby.

It looks like this guy doesn't have a lot of respect for your feelings and the fact that ye broke up and he isn't trying to resolve things, but instead is just contacting her, confirms this. I see why you're not a fan of the girl but a lot of what went on the guy had a part to play in too. Its a lot easier to place the blame on the woman turning his head but at the end of the day its his choice to turn his head in her direction.

I hope you're ok, this is the last thing you need at this time but its better you know now rather than after building a home with him and being let down then.

Just to clarify, I meant as in she wouldn't stay with him for the sake of the baby, as in she wasn't going to remain in the relationship for the sake of the pregnancy if he continued his behaviour - I'm pregnant myself so I more meant the obvious physical leaving of OP and baby since they're very much attached

Tasden

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

that is exactly how i feel , we are on a trial run he said he has to see there not going to be any rows before he jumps back in again , and when i asked him had he spoke to her since the row we had he said she text him asking should she get in touch with me to let me know theres nothing going on between them ?! he said he replied back telling her no to leave it that im mental and i would stab her??! i was obviously shocked and when he saw my face he said he was messing that he hadnt heard from her and that she would probably never talk to him again after my behavior in the pub , but he had been talking to her and lied straight to my face even tried to make me feel bad for telling her what honestly i think anyone in position would have aswell , to stop messaging my boyfriend! so because were on a trial run he said if anything starts he will walk away , i feel like hes completely taking advantage because he knows how important it is to me that our baby has us both together , honestly im beyond hurt , he dumped me again last night because he said im "spying on him" over finding the messages, but it was pretty obvious to me that he had lied and i was right ... so yet again i have had to talk him around , he said he might have been stubborn but he will talk to her if he feels like it ? i feel like im being walked on , i honestly do , how do i get him to see my point of view without losing everything? im scared to move incase he walks away!

I'm sorry to be blunt here but the last line sums it up. He KNOWS you're scared to do anything in case he leaves. He is happy to hold this "trial" period over you so you can walk on eggshells and pander to him while he can get away with any behaviour he wants because he's playing you against your own fears.

He's either in a relationship with you or he's not. Take the other woman out of the equation. He cannot break up then take you back then break up then have a "trial", he's either committed or he's not. If he can be so flippant with his pregnant partner what happens when a baby comes along? "I'll give the daddy thing a shot but one wrong move and I'm gone"???? Is this really something you see as ok? I don't think the other girl is really the issue here.

I'm of the opinion that people are within their rights to talk to whoever they want, ex or not, beautiful woman or not, but if the partner has an issue then their feelings should be respected. That does not mean they should stop speaking to the person but that they should be considerate and honest about the communication. So in this case the lies about such would be where my concern would lie, not necessarily the communication itself.

Tasden

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Just to clarify, I meant as in she wouldn't stay with him for the sake of the baby, as in she wasn't going to remain in the relationship for the sake of the pregnancy if he continued his behaviour - I'm pregnant myself so I more meant the obvious physical leaving of OP and baby since they're very much attached

Fair enough, you never know with some of the advice given when it comes to women scorned and whatnot

Penny Tration

Op, why is it so important to you for you both to be in a relationship?

Do you really think your baby will grow up as a happy, well adjusted person with a mammy and daddy who are fighting and miserable?

He can be in the baby's life without being in a relationship with you.

Look at his behaviour. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He has proven over and over again that his ex comes first, not you.

Pick up your self esteem. He has you on a trial to leave you on eggshells, so you'll be too afraid to call him out on his disgusting behaviour.

You and your baby deserve so much better.

NeedAnonAdvice

your right tasdan , i think i have made a big mistake by being openly honest with him and telling him how important it is to me to make it work , maybe my thinking is wrong but i just dont want my child to have a broken family .... by me doing that ive noticed that he has gotten worse and even when he was in the wrong yesterday i didnt shout back at him or react wrongly but he instantly put me in the car and drove me back to my mums , the whole way with me crying while he persistently told me im a psycho and that theres something wrong with me . maybe im feeling ridiculously sorry for myself ( could be hormones ) but i cant help thinking im getting a hard time of it , i wish with all my heart i had the person back that i met , but i dont know this person anymore , im so insecure and jealous , he told me the other night if i get stretch marks he wont find me attractive anymore and would stop loving me , if i get upset about this he gets mad and says i have no sense of humour , but i just find that upsetting when im already feeling all over the place?

i just want him to look after me , i didnt invision this time in my life to be such a battle....

ShaShaBear

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

your right tasdan , i think i have made a big mistake by being openly honest with him and telling him how important it is to me to make it work , maybe my thinking is wrong but i just dont want my child to have a broken family .... by me doing that ive noticed that he has gotten worse and even when he was in the wrong yesterday i didnt shout back at him or react wrongly but he instantly put me in the car and drove me back to my mums , the whole way with me crying while he persistently told me im a psycho and that theres something wrong with me . maybe im feeling ridiculously sorry for myself ( could be hormones ) but i cant help thinking im getting a hard time of it , i wish with all my heart i had the person back that i met , but i dont know this person anymore , im so insecure and jealous , he told me the other night if i get stretch marks he wont find me attractive anymore and would stop loving me , if i get upset about this he gets mad and says i have no sense of humour , but i just find that upsetting when im already feeling all over the place?

i just want him to look after me , i didnt invision this time in my life to be such a battle....

Sounds like he is hoping to wear you down into such a deprived emotional state that you won't dare leave him and he can still do whatever he wants.
TBH if he is trying to convince you that you're a psycho, lying about talking to his ex and suggesting to her that you'd stab her, then he has no interest in you whatsoever beyond the fact that you are his doormat. I'd leave him ASAP.

Tasden

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

your right tasdan , i think i have made a big mistake by being openly honest with him and telling him how important it is to me to make it work , maybe my thinking is wrong but i just dont want my child to have a broken family .... by me doing that ive noticed that he has gotten worse and even when he was in the wrong yesterday i didnt shout back at him or react wrongly but he instantly put me in the car and drove me back to my mums , the whole way with me crying while he persistently told me im a psycho and that theres something wrong with me . maybe im feeling ridiculously sorry for myself ( could be hormones ) but i cant help thinking im getting a hard time of it , i wish with all my heart i had the person back that i met , but i dont know this person anymore , im so insecure and jealous , he told me the other night if i get stretch marks he wont find me attractive anymore and would stop loving me , if i get upset about this he gets mad and says i have no sense of humour , but i just find that upsetting when im already feeling all over the place?

i just want him to look after me , i didnt invision this time in my life to be such a battle....

No you didn't make a mistake by being open and honest with your partner. He is the one person you should be able to trust and open up to without any backlash or judgement (within reason obviously). Never feel you're in the wrong for being honest or seeing the good in someone only for it to backfire- its never a reflection on you, only them.

I've been in the position you're in. Being the one to always say sorry. Being told I'm in the wrong or irrational for having the cheek to question his disgusting behavior. Anyway long story short once I was out of that "relationship" I could see it for exactly what it was- him manipulating me. Someone who loves you will not make you feel like you're the root of all problems in the relationship, they will discuss the issues with maturity and understanding and you will work it out together and come to a compromise or resolve the issue.

An unhappy home is a lot more broken than happy stable parents living separately. Don't view it as a bad thing. Its a lot better than your child seeing you being manipulated and disrespected by a man who claims to be in love with you (unless you get stretch marks wtf?!!). Can you actually see how ridiculous that statement is? Like genuinely step back and look at what he is saying to you. That if your body changes while you carry another human being- his baby!- he'll stop loving you? He should be MORE in love with you and in awe of you seeing you do this amazing thing.

NeedAnonAdvice

he told me he finds the pregnant form disgusting ( i cant remember his exact wording but it was along those lines ) i told him that i am worried about my body changing as im sure most pregnant women are and he said he doesnt blame me for being concerned , we have a doctors appointment tomorrow and i asked him could we talk before it and sort this out so i can go to the scan and not be feeling down by this ,a guy he went to school with died today and he said that he is upset about his friend and doesnt want to talk that this is just to be forgotten about and we are to move on from it , i do understand that he is upset about his friend but its been alot of excuses lately , if i do the slightest thing it isnt forgotten about but he wont discuss his behaviour yesterday he just wants it dropped . im just to let everything go when he is in the wrong but if i mess up at all heads roll over it and he walks away ! things had been good the last few weeks and he told me thats how it is when im not being a c*nt to him ,but then the minute he got caught out lying yesterday he resorted straight back to calling me names , i asked him why would he not just apologise for lying and he said , because hes not sorry so why should he . i just dont understand it.... he says he loves me that the love is there , but it doesnt seem like it when he so easily walks away even when hes the one in the wrong?

allym

This man doesn't respect you. He's putting his ex's feelings before yours. He's calling you a psycho, telling her you'd stab her. He's making hurtful comments.

You're pregnant with his child, he should be supporting you.
This won't disappear when the baby comes. If anything, it'll get worse when you're both stressed out trying to look after the baby!

I know you think your child shouldn't come from a "broken family" but having both parents together but killing each other all the time, is more damaging than having two happy parents that aren't together.

Contessa Raven

You have enough to be worrying about without walking on eggshells around somebody who's supposed to love you.

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

we are on a trial run he said he has to see there not going to be any rows before he jumps back in again

The bit above really jumped out at me. Why is this all your fault? He is showing a total lack of regard for your feelings. At this point, he should be doing all he can to reassure you not threatening to walk away!

He sounds very selfish. If your sister/friend wrote what you did, what would you tell her?

I know it seems scary but I think you'd be better off without all the drama. Cut him loose. He can still be a part of your childs life but at the moment he doesn't seem to be enhancing yours.

LegacyUser

Would you show him this thread? Might give him a wake up call to how much of a bully he actually is. It's time to wake up from dream land now and be a MAN. His behaviour would drive me insane. I'd probably have walked away by now because he's just a mess, pure manipulator and to treat the mother of your future child like that is really really vile.

Let him have a read of this and it might take him down off that high horse he's on, and may just be a wake up call to show him how his own behaviour is atrocious.

NeedAnonAdvice

he wanted me to get rid of the baby at the start of the pregnancy and i said no that i couldnt do it , so he missed two scans refusing to go , saying it was a couple thing to do and that it was my decision to keep the baby and i could do all that sh*t myself and he didnt need to be there until i "popped the kid out" . the appointment tomorrow will be the first one that he will have gone to and it feels tarnished already , im so sad with how this has worked out , i wanted this to be such a happy magical time . He told me hes not scared of having a baby that hes scared of being stuck with me , then he said he didnt want to be a dad atal now hes starting to come around to it but im just so drained , its like hes a child and you have to try coax him slowly or hell run away , but i need looking after at the moment ...

Contessa Raven

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

he told me he finds the pregnant form disgusting ( i cant remember his exact wording but it was along those lines ) i told him that i am worried about my body changing as im sure most pregnant women are and he said he doesnt blame me for being concerned , we have a doctors appointment tomorrow and i asked him could we talk before it and sort this out so i can go to the scan and not be feeling down by this ,a guy he went to school with died today and he said that he is upset about his friend and doesnt want to talk that this is just to be forgotten about and we are to move on from it , i do understand that he is upset about his friend but its been alot of excuses lately , if i do the slightest thing it isnt forgotten about but he wont discuss his behaviour yesterday he just wants it dropped . im just to let everything go when he is in the wrong but if i mess up at all heads roll over it and he walks away ! things had been good the last few weeks and he told me thats how it is when im not being a c*nt to him ,but then the minute he got caught out lying yesterday he resorted straight back to calling me names , i asked him why would he not just apologise for lying and he said , because hes not sorry so why should he . i just dont understand it.... he says he loves me that the love is there , but it doesnt seem like it when he so easily walks away even when hes the one in the wrong?

I missed this before.

OP, read those bits in bold again.

Why would you want this disgusting person in your life?

He's toxic.

Get away from him as fast as you can.

With the support of family and friends, you'll get through all this and be happy. If you stay with this guy, you'll end up being worn down (I'm sure you can feel it already) until you no longer have any confidence.

Your baby needs a happy, healthy mum. Look after yourself. x

Tasden

He finds the pregnant form disgusting- ok fair enough he's under no obligation to find it attractive, but your body will be that way because you're carrying his baby! He should not make you feel insecure about something you have no control over. He should be supporting you not adding to your worries. It doesn't sound like he was just being accidentally insensitive, it sounds like he just doesn't care about how you are feeling. He should respect the fact that your body is changing because his baby is growing inside you. He may not find it sexy or appealing but he should have respect for what you're going through and treat you with some sensitivity and love.

Tasden

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

he wanted me to get rid of the baby at the start of the pregnancy and i said no that i couldnt do it , so he missed two scans refusing to go , saying it was a couple thing to do and that it was my decision to keep the baby and i could do all that sh*t myself and he didnt need to be there until i "popped the kid out" . the appointment tomorrow will be the first one that he will have gone to and it feels tarnished already , im so sad with how this has worked out , i wanted this to be such a happy magical time . He told me hes not scared of having a baby that hes scared of being stuck with me , then he said he didnt want to be a dad atal now hes starting to come around to it but im just so drained , its like hes a child and you have to try coax him slowly or hell run away , but i need looking after at the moment ...

Ok this sums it up completely. He doesn't want you. Sounds harsh but its what he told you. He doesn't want this relationship, he barely wanted the child, he is now using your baby and your concerns about the baby to manipulate you into putting up with him messing you around. You need to cut ties with him and say that from now on your relationship is as parents only.
Its his loss not yours.
You're saying you need looking after but he's not looking after you. He's causing you stress and heartache and making you feel ****. And because of all this you're not even looking after yourself- you're running around after him. You deserve so much better. He's not adding anything but heartache to your life. Leave now and start fresh before baby arrives.
If you can get over everything he's been doing this far you can move on from him.

LegacyUser

Far as I can see, there's only 2 reasons for his behaviour:

1. He's a psycho who enjoys messing with your head
2. He doesn't want to dump you to get back with his ex, in case he is seen as the baddie - so he's being actively horrible to you so that you'll do his dirty work, and dump him.

I'd bet on being a bit of an ignorant thick, and (2).

I can't see any good outcome from staying with this pathetic excuse of a man. Get rid of him - he doesn't even sound as though he likes you, let alone loves you.

NeedAnonAdvice

he changes his mind so often , one minute he says we love each other but were not in love and then hes back in love again ... to say im confused is an understatement . hes either hot or cold and you just dont know when hes going to change...

Tasden

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

he changes his mind so often , one minute he says we love each other but were not in love and then hes back in love again ... to say im confused is an understatement . hes either hot or cold and you just dont know when hes going to change...

But he either loves you or he doesn't. You obviously love him and your feelings don't change every few days, why do his? If he loved you he'd love you end of.

NeedAnonAdvice

i know , thats exactly what ive said ! he said hes a live wire and that he shoots from the hip and thinks later , theres been times where hes gone mad and demanded me to f*ck off and then when he calms down eventually he always says thanks for not leaving you know what im like and i didnt mean it , but its so hard to know at this stage what the hell he means and doesnt mean , i feel like im walking blind .... that is exactly how i would sum it up ....

Tasden

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

i know , thats exactly what ive said ! he said hes a live wire and that he shoots from the hip and thinks later , theres been times where hes gone mad and demanded me to f*ck off and then when he calms down eventually he always says thanks for not leaving you know what im like and i didnt mean it , but its so hard to know at this stage what the hell he means and doesnt mean , i feel like im walking blind .... that is exactly how i would sum it up ....

I think you do know what to do and know who is in the wrong here you're just scared to accept it..?

NeedAnonAdvice

your right.... im holding on to hope... but i just seem to be turning into a dorrmat , i was never like that before... i dont know what happened , i know this has absolutely nothing to do with anything but i have the flue too , and im pretty sure its man flue .... im just this big blob of snotty hormonal misery at the mo

Tasden

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

your right.... im holding on to hope... but i just seem to be turning into a dorrmat , i was never like that before... i dont know what happened , i know this has absolutely nothing to do with anything but i have the flue too , and im pretty sure its man flue .... im just this big blob of snotty hormonal misery at the mo

It sounds like you're tired and stressed and upset. You're tired enough with the pregnancy as it is and with him behaving the way he is its understandable that you're drained. But I don't see you feeling any better if you stay with him. I hope you get it sorted so that you can begin enjoying the pregnancy and moving forward.

December2012

Look, you cannot control what he says or does.

You are both going through a stressful event - an unplanned pregnancy in an unstable relationship. Your hormones can be everywhere and he sounds like he is all over the place!

No matter what happens with your relationship, you are both parents to this baby. And for that reason you both have to try and co parent the child forever.

So maybe the best thing to do is to remove pressure and expectations. If he does not want to be in a relationship with you then you both should agree to just be friends.

It sounds like he really needs somebody to talk to (NOT YOU!) - a buddy to talk out what it is that he wants.

In the meantime you should take care of yourself and enjoy your scan and pregnancy.

Carrie Madshaw

Jesus Christ you poor thing. This is a time when you're focus should be on yourself and your baby but instead you're literally sick with worry over this insensitive, manipulative sociopath.

He honestly sounds so awful and clearly has no respect for you. You probably know deep down that he doesn't love you but you can't see the wood for trees right now due to his emotional bullying and your hormones being all over the shop.

It's amazing how much you'll put up with when you're crazy about someone and how deeply into denial you can fall. I really would advise you to surround yourself with friends and family and people who want to look after you. You sound lovely but extremely broken down.

I wish I could give you a big hug. Please be strong for the sake of your baby and tell this kn*b to go f*ck himself. This kid, harsh as it sounds, will be better off without him. His behaviour is disgusting. It makes me sad that anyone would treat a pregnant woman this way.

ANXIOUS

How old are you?

Tokyo

Carrie Madshaw - there are ways and means to display your disgust of the behaviour of the OP's partner without being crass and dodging the swear filter. Please note the forum charter requests that posters:

Reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner

Please take a read of the charter if you haven't already done so.

regards,
Mike

Mighty_Mouse

I think context is important here:
How old are you both?
How long are you together?
How long were you together when you fell pregnant?

I'm reading between the lines but is this an unplanned pregnancy from a very short relationship whereby your BF had only separated from a very serious relationship by a matter of 8weeks?

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

If the above circumstances are correct, is it realistic to expect that this would be a "happy time".

Do you think that this relationship would be successful if you were not pregnant?

Tasden

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

I think context is important here:
How old are you both?
How long are you together?
How long were you together when you fell pregnant?

I'm reading between the lines but is this an unplanned pregnancy from a very short relationship whereby your BF had only separated from a very serious relationship by a matter of 8weeks?

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

If the above circumstances are correct, is it realistic to expect that this would be a "happy time".

Do you think that this relationship would be successful if you were not pregnant?

While I agree with you to an extent, that its not exactly ideal and there are a number of factors at play, I don't see how any of what he has done can be justified by it.
I mean I fell pregnant pretty early into a relationship at a very young age, it wasn't a "happy" planned pregnancy, but not once did the guy make me feel insecure about how I will look as the pregnancy progresses, nor did he put our relationship on trial so that I feel I have to walk on eggshells in order to keep him around. If he was in a position to have sex with her in the first place then he should be mature enough to put any of those factors aside and either cop on and move on from them or else explain to her in a respectful manner that its not going anywhere romantically and let her start planning her future without him.

I know that you weren't excusing his behaviour and I'm not ranting at you even if it might seem like I am, I just don't want the op thinking that any of it is justified or ok just because he is finding the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy difficult, life throws curve balls you can't act the dick just because they don't suit you, especially if its to the detriment of the mother of his unborn child.

Pippy1976

What the absolute flip???! You were visibly upset, you're pregnant and the whole way in the car he tells you you're a psycho and there's something wrong with you??

OF COURSE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU - YOU'RE UPSET BECAUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND ISN'T SUPPORTING YOU.

I think you've been extremely honest with him and his attitude hasn't change, nor does it seems he wants to change for the good of the relationship.

You're clearly unhappy with this man. Don't let the only reason for staying with him be that you're pregnant. He doesn't respect you. And you deserve better. MUCH better.

If he's not willing to at least address his behaviour and acknowledge that he's in the wrong then there is no relationship for either of you. I'm sorry but move on for your own good, and for your baby's.

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

your right tasdan , i think i have made a big mistake by being openly honest with him and telling him how important it is to me to make it work , maybe my thinking is wrong but i just dont want my child to have a broken family .... by me doing that ive noticed that he has gotten worse and even when he was in the wrong yesterday i didnt shout back at him or react wrongly but he instantly put me in the car and drove me back to my mums , the whole way with me crying while he persistently told me im a psycho and that theres something wrong with me . maybe im feeling ridiculously sorry for myself ( could be hormones ) but i cant help thinking im getting a hard time of it , i wish with all my heart i had the person back that i met , but i dont know this person anymore , im so insecure and jealous , he told me the other night if i get stretch marks he wont find me attractive anymore and would stop loving me , if i get upset about this he gets mad and says i have no sense of humour , but i just find that upsetting when im already feeling all over the place?

i just want him to look after me , i didnt invision this time in my life to be such a battle....

Big Bag of Chips

I'm guessing the pregnancy was unplanned. I'm sorry to say but he doesn't want to be with you. He doesn't want to be the dick that leaves his pregnant girlfriend, so he is doing all in his power to make you make the decision. That way he carries on with a clear conscience.

He doesn't care about you, and it's likely he's not going to care all that much about the baby. I'm not suggesting he won't want to be a father to the baby, but I'd guess it'll be on his terms. If the lads are going out on a Saturday night, do you think he'll give that up to stay home with his baby instead?

You are letting him control and dictate your future. You do realise that you get a say in this too, don't you? You don't have to put up with him changing his mind constantly. A "trial period"... What's that? How long are you on his trial for? What is the purpose of the trial? For you to cop yourself on and fall in line with what he wants? Or for you both as a couple to try work out your problems?.... That last one will only work if BOTH partners are committed to making it work. You are. He's not. Although he's committed to making YOU work to keep him.

That's not a relationship. It is heartbreaking to end a relationship. It is terrifying to end one when you are pregnant. But the longer you put up with him making a fool of you, the more unhappy you will get.

Be brave now. Stand up for yourself. He has laid out what he wants, now it's your turn. You lay out what you expect. And he either agrees or you both decide what you are looking for is too different.

It's not easy, but how you are living now is not easy either.

Pippy1976

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

hes scared of being stuck with me ...it's like hes a child and you have to try coax him slowly or hell run away , but i need looking after at the moment ...

Oh my god, this just sums it up. He's told you he doesn't want to be with you for the longterm.

You're right - you need looking after so pack your bags and move in with family or friends who will give you the love and support you need.

I'm flabbergasted at this thread and the hurtful things he's said to you. I cannot believe it.

Pippy1976

and one last thing, as this thread is really breaking my heart, about this.

You can be a strong, independent, proud woman who has a beautiful child. Today is the day you decide to be that woman. Don't let him make you feel like s**t anymore. Start taking control and be proud TODAY. Don't wait for tomorrow when you THINK he's going to change. He probably won't and you'll waste valuable time waiting for that to happen.

You are an amazing person who CAN do this on her own. At least you'll be a strong woman with some semblance of self esteem left.

NeedAnonAdvice

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

he wanted me to get rid of the baby at the start of the pregnancy and i said no that i couldnt do it , so he missed two scans refusing to go , saying it was a couple thing to do and that it was my decision to keep the baby and i could do all that sh*t myself and he didnt need to be there until i "popped the kid out" . the appointment tomorrow will be the first one that he will have gone to and it feels tarnished already , im so sad with how this has worked out , i wanted this to be such a happy magical time . He told me hes not scared of having a baby that hes scared of being stuck with me , then he said he didnt want to be a dad atal now hes starting to come around to it but im just so drained , its like hes a child and you have to try coax him slowly or hell run away , but i need looking after at the moment ...

Get out now. You're being gaslighted and emotionally abused, he resents the pregnancy and he's calling you names and stringing you along. He probably wants you to be the one to walk away so he can claim he tried to support you but you were 'psycho'.

He's not a fit partner and I'll be surprised if he steps up to the mark and becomes a fit father since he sounds incredibly selfish and childish.

Start planning your own life, you'll do your kid no favours by having this guy in the house, teaching them that this is how relationships work. You deserve better and your kid definitely does.

He calls you names, treats you like a doormat, tells people you're a psycho, refuses to engage with the pregnancy, and tells you he doesn't want to be stuck with you.

He's a manipulative bully with no feelings towards you, no kindness in any of his actions or words and he doesn't want the baby.

Do you really want a life with someone like that?

Stavro Mueller

OP, have you ever heard of emotional abuse? I've pasted in questions from just one of the sites that showed up on google - there are loads of others. Do any of these ring bells for you?

• Is he always blaming you for problems in your relationship?
• Do your conflicts really ever get resolved?
• Is he always controlling the relationship or you?
• Are you constantly confused or insecure about where the relationship is going?
• Does he run hot and cold, fly into rages out of the blue and blame you for them?
• Do you feel trapped or cornered?
• Does he put you on a guilt trip for expressing your opinion -- or are you afraid to even express your feelings or opinions?
• Do you feel like you're always walking on eggshells for fear you'll say the wrong thing?
• Is everything you do or say being scrutinized or judged by him?
• Does he make you feel worn down mentally and physically until you just give in to what he wants?

I'm worried for you. Nobody's perfect, no relationships are perfect but this boyfriend of yours sounds like a nasty piece of work. The continuing contact with his ex girlfriend is just the tip of the iceberg. All those horrible things he has been saying to you are every bit as damaging as if he had been beating the crap out of you. Why do you think it's acceptable behaviour to be called a psycho and be told there's something wrong with you? Why do you feel you're in the wrong for being honest with him?

Do you have any family members or friends you could chat to? I think you really need to talk to someone who cares about you. Someone who can help you at this awful time.

ash23

OP I'm a single mother. It's not the end of the world to go it alone.

You keep saying you don't want your child to have a broken home. My advice is simple. You will do far more damage to the child by staying with this person than you will do to it by separating.

He treats you like dirt and speaks to you in the most horrible of ways. He has no respect for you at all.

If you have a little girl and stay together, she will see her father treating her mother like that and she will think it's ok for her to be treated like that.
If you have a little boy and stay together he will see his father treating his mother like that and he will think it's ok to treat women like that.

In my opinion you should leave him and put your energy into being the best mother you can be. Focus on the baby and the future.
From there, he can decide what he wants to do.

It sounds like he wants his ex back and is angry with you for being pregnant and ruining his chances of getting back with her. I don't think he even likes you and I don't say that to be mean.
You wouldn't put up with that treatment from a friend or a workmate so why on earth put up with it from the father of your child.

You can do it on your own. I have a happy, healthy, bright and cheerful 11 year old girl who is confident and does well at school, has plenty of friends and takes no crap from anyone. Yes, it was hard at times being a single mother but I would much rather take those hard times than have myself and her living in a house with a toxic atmosphere and an abusive partner/father.

Big Bag of Chips

Just one thing to add... Being a parent is damn hard. And I speak as a parent who is married.. and has the support of my husband!

We constantly comment how difficult it must be for single parents to do everything without the backup of a partner.

BUT... And this touches on what Ash has said. Being a single parent, where you are in control of your life, you have 100% responsibility for your baby is very very very difficult.... But it is easier than doing all that alone PLUS putting up with a partner who doesn't want to be there. Doesn't respect you, and doesn't help in any way. He's already telling you that you wanted to keep the baby. Once the baby arrives he will continue to use that line so that you effectively end up as a single parent doing everything with the baby anyway... Just with the added baggage of someone constantly pointing out everything that is wrong with you and how you care for your baby.

Being in a strong relationship is important when you are a parent.
Failing that being a single parent is the next best thing.
Staying in a horrible relationship "for the sake of the baby" shouldn't ever be even considered as an option.

ash23

I was in a relationship for a few years and something similar happened where he was in love with someone else but didn't want to be the bad guy and end things with me. So he treated me pretty badly for a good year or more.
I wish I could say I was the one who ended it, but like the OP, I was caught up in the notion of being the "typical" family.
Once it ended and myself and my daughter were living alone, the atmosphere in our home was so much brighter and happier. I can't begin to explain the difference not having the weight of the relationship made to us.

That was 6 years ago and I've been in relationships since and I am much more confident about what I will and won't put up with.

Seriously OP, you are spending all your energy on this man who doesn't give you a bit of support or affection. Really how much worse would it be to go it alone.

I have had a couple of very good relationships since that relationship ended and it's shown my daughter how a man should treat a woman. It's my job to teach her about relationships and confidence and I am ashamed to say, I didn't do a very good job initially. I'd hate to see you make the same mistake.

Stavro Mueller

Ash touched on something else here that you should think about

You wouldn't put up with that treatment from a friend or a workmate so why on earth put up with it from the father of your child.

Do you think he talks to his friends the way he does to you? Does he treat his mother like this? Why should you be treated any differently?

Pippy1976

cymbaline wrote: »

Ash touched on something else here that you should think about


Do you think he talks to his friends the way he does to you? Does he treat his mother like this? Why should you be treated any differently?

Or for that matter, would he talk to the ex- like that? I guarantee not. It's a humiliating situation what ever way you look at it. That ex- should've backed off from the word go. And whilst I'm not blaming her at all, she certainly didn't help the situation.

The two of them are welcome to eachother. Too much stress in this relationship in my opinion.

Obliq

NeedAnonAdvice wrote: »

your right.... im holding on to hope... but i just seem to be turning into a dorrmat , i was never like that before... i dont know what happened , i know this has absolutely nothing to do with anything but i have the flue too , and im pretty sure its man flue .... im just this big blob of snotty hormonal misery at the mo

Oh my. You poor, poor pet I am absolutely behind everyone else's recommendations to get out NOW, not later. I'm a single mum too, and left an extremely abusive relationship as I knew my kids and me would be better off, even if I struggled to manage as a single parent. As it turned out, it's MUCH better to be single and my friends and family support me hugely. My kids are very happy now.

The only comment I want to add to everyone's advice (especially big bag of chips excellent insights) is around your sentence I've highlighted. Nobody expected me to be in an emotionally abusive relationship as I do not come across as a person who would let someone else control my thoughts, words and deeds. This made it very easy for me to hide what was going on at home from family and friends, but as time went on, I lost many of them as they discovered how bad things were. I still struggle with how easily I fell into being a bullied, cowed and trapped young woman.

If you feel like a doormat now, believe me, it will be 10 times as bad when you have the protective parenting instincts around your child when he/she is born. Then, you won't allow yourself to escalate a situation by arguing back or even having a different opinion, as people like this have no difficulty in using the baby's vulnerability to make you more controllable. This will be a whole new level of bullying and a much more dangerous situation to try and remove yourself from. Don't do it to yourself or your child. PLEASE get out now, while you still have a safe choice to do so.

My heart goes out to you. You can be a wonderful parent on your own, my dear. You sound very caring and completely delighted about becoming a mother. I wish you all the very best of luck and strength Xxx

LegacyUser

I would advise you to tell him that your relationship is over as you know he is to immature to cope with you being pregnant. I would also tell him that you will want money from him for baby items and child support once the baby is born.

He needs to know that you are not willing to put up with what he has been doing or saying to you over the past few months. The reality for him is he is unhappy over you been pregnant as he will no longer be the center of attention in your relationship.
He wants you to end things and he will then tell his friends/family/ex girlfriend you ended things but they won't know what he said or his actions towards you.

At this stage I would do the following
1. Ring his parents and let them know that you pregnant. Tell them what there son has been doing and saying to you. I would just say to them that you are not staying in a relationship with him but you wanted them to hear this from you rather than other people telling them that your pregnant or that your relationship ended.
His parents won't be happy to hear this but when the baby is born they may be in a position to give you some support.

2. Arrange to meet all his friends in the pub and just say to them - well you know that I am pregnant but //// is not to happy about it. He has done and said the following to me so I am ending thing with him. I would prefer that you hear this from me as I want you to know why we broke up.

3 Ring the ex girlfriend and tell her I don't know if you heard that I am pregnant with /// child. I have decided to end my relationship with him due to what he said and did to me since I told him I was pregnant. She might not know your pregnant but if she wants him after this they sound like 2 people who deserve each other.

4 Get legal advice re getting money off him for baby things and child support once the baby is born.

Once you tell his family, friends and the ex girlfriend the above I am sure they will all have serious chats with him.
From now on you need to look after yourself and the baby and not be dealing with the stress he has been putting you through the past few months.

You need to remember that a happy mammy = happy baby.
Look after yourself and let us know on boards how you are getting on.

December2012

I disagree with bringing his friends and the ex into it.

Also while the family I'm sure would want to know, don't start off your relationship with them by blackmailing him.

In reality, if they do not know you, they might not even believe it is their sons. So don't be telling people while expecting a huge outflow of love, support and people getting "on your side" against your boyfriend.

Try to do this as amicably and as calmly as possible. This is not some ex to flame - this is the father of your child, the grandfather to your grandchildren and the man you will see every week for the next 20 years, and who will be in your life until you die.

It seems as if the pregnancy was a stress test on this relationship and because it was so new you are both finding your feet in it.

It's no more his fault that you are pregnant than it is yours. Lots of people, men and women, will question, consider and discuss terminations of a pregnancy. I would not hold that against him.

Maybe your relationship just was too fragile to deal with the shock that a pregnancy brings (and pregnancy can put a shock / pressure on stable relationships - my planned pregnancy did to mine).

You cannot blame him for that, no more than you can blame the child.

At the very least, you should both try to be friendly.

If you decide to stay together you need to work on your basics. Maybe you could see a relationship counsellor, with or without him.

Don't use the baby as a bargaining chip or an emotional blackmail tool.

strobe

There doesn't seem to be a relationship here to save. He was seeing his now ex two months (but possibly less than that) before he met you, you two met and you were pregnant four weeks or so in (if I'm doing the maths right), he tried to convince you to terminate the pregnancy, then he then broke up with you a week or so after that in the pub (or visa versa). This seems to be a fling that resulted in pregnancy. It's hard to imagine he even really knows you that well after such a short time let alone loves you and his actions bare that out.

It seems to be the case that if it were not for the pregnancy he would have ended the relationship and be back with his gf by now.

How he's treated you is horrible and you're well shot. I think it's unlikely he ever viewed what you had together as a relationship of any sort, he doesn't seem to like you let alone love you, and to him it was more than likely just sex while he was split from his gf that unfortunately ended up in pregnancy.

I hope that doesn't come across too blunt, I've huge empathy for the situation you've found yourself in, but I think you're probably seeing things that were never there at any point in the 'relationship' you had with this guy. You're not losing anything by ending it as there was never anything there to begin with by the sound of things.

LegacyUser

Get out now OP. I married that person, for all the wrong reasons, afraid to walk away and split my family up, and he nearly destroyed me and my life, and used my kids as his bait to hurt me. He will never change and you will be so unhappy, he is toxic and dangerous. You will spend your life looking over your shoulder, stressed out, worrying about what he is saying or doing behind your back, ruining special occassions and not give a damn about the baby, it will all be for show when others are around playing Daddy, but once the doors close the liar returns.
Be careful of telling his family, at the end of the day as the saying goes, blood is thicker than water. I told my inlaws everything he was doing, he left me with no money daily and lied so much and they still supported the evil sick physco.
I left my husband 6 months ago, my kids and I are so much happier. I am back at work now part time and the atmosphere at home is back to normal, fun, love and peace, the darkness is gone. He is such a pig with his sense of entitlement he wouldn't move out of the house thought he had me trapped, and I had nowhere to go coz the house is in joint names, which he did for years till I finally found the bravery to leave him & realise the threats are only hot air, well I just went, borrowed a months rent and deposit off a family member and he can have his life on his own away from other human beings to deliver his evil.
You deserve better, please think of you and your baby and a better future. He will only drag you down and make you out to be someone you are not and it's soul destroying. I lost who I was, please don't let this happen to you. Your pregnancy will not be a nice memory if you stay with him, you need so much love and support now and post baby, you won't get it from him. Please run while you can, get support from trusted friends and family and look to the future, wishing you all the best and you have to do this it will not get better, you have to realize this x.