sisterinlaw's passive aggressive remarks on facebook

LegacyUser

My sister-in-law is constantly making passive aggressive remarks towards me on facebook. I find it extremely hurtful no matter how much I try to rise above it. I work in a very busy job where we don't have access to facebook at work and I can sometimes go days without looking at it however, she will have posted a question in reply to something I've posted. If I haven't replied to that question it's normally followed with quite a passive aggressive remark highlighting that I haven't replied.
She has my phone no. so no idea why she doesn't just text me if she's so anxious for a reply, well actually I do know - I think it's done deliberately so she can make those remarks.
Last week I happened to be in her company and she insisted on a group photo. I said I'd rather not be in it as I didn't want to be tagged on facebook. I knew that's what ultimately would happen.
The following day she posted one of those horoscope things that said some very vile things about my star sign. Underneath it she emphasised 'I completely agree with this. I've never met anybody remotely nice with that star sign'. I'm extremely upset over this and feel it was nasty and completely unnecessary. There is already family tension there which she should not be getting involved in but these constant nasty digging remarks are making me feel even more isolated and upset.

Tokyo

It might seem easy for me to say but... why are you taking it so much to heart - it's facebook after all. Your sister-in-law seems like a childish woman, and anybody reading her little remarks probably sees it the same way. To be honest I think that while your sister in law is being childish, you are taking this far too much to heart when there is such a simple solution - delete her from your facebook and block her facebook feed so that nothing form her shows up! There really are more important things in the world to worry about than this.

You get peace of mind, she doesn't get the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you, and if she asks you why you did it, you can smile and tell her that her childish comments were getting boring. And move on.

Merkin

If you don't really use FB and only use it periodically, I would deactivate my account in between visits so she won't be able to comment or visit your page.Another option is to put her on limited view so that she is still your 'friend' but she can't see your Wall, your photos or any interaction you have.

Rise above it.For the record, she is behaving like a petulant fifteen year old, don't engage with her and she'll soon find someone else to pick on!

fits

Under the "i completely agree with this" I would call her on it and ask if she is implying that you are not a nice person. Then id stick her into the restricted list. She's being a bully and needs standing up to if you can.

username123

Why don't you just unfriendly and block her? Or at the very least put her into your restricted list and unfollow her so she doesn't see your posts and you don't see hers.

I've a zero tolerance policy on FB nonsense, it's your choice to see what people say on FB, it's totally within your control.

xzanti

mike_ie wrote: »

It might seem easy for me to say but... why are you taking it so much to heart - it's facebook after all. .

I have to say, it annoys me when people say things like "it's only Facebook".. as if it were an App or a spambot that wrote the hurtful comment.. it came from a real person.. to a real person.. the same as a text message on a phone would.. would you say "ah it's only a text" if somebody received some vile comment in this way?

I actually think it's worse on facebook because there is an audience, so it's that bit more humiliating for the recipient.

She sounds like she's got an issue, either with you personally or just in general..

I had a similar problem with a "friend" last year.. in the end I unfriended her, called to her house and asked her straight out what her problem was.. to little avail of course, as she was only big and bold on Facebook!

Just ask her to her face if there's an issue, be upfront and tell her you don't appreciate the sinister comments.

kbell

Delete. Problem solved.

Catphish

fits wrote: »

Under the "i completely agree with this" I would call her on it and ask if she is implying that you are not a nice person. Then id stick her into the restricted list. She's being a bully and needs standing up to if you can.

I wouldn't bother calling her up on anything, because she is obviously trying to get a rise out of the op. I can see her answer back "If the shoe fits" or something along those lines. She wants the op to reply and to get into an online public cat fight. She is an interfering childish bully, and she should not be entertained in any way.

Op, is your husband even aware of her carry on, and if so, what does he have to say about it all?

You have to stop allowing this woman getting into your head. Unfriend her and block her from your facebook NOW. She is doing this because she knows that you can see what she is saying. She strikes me as a real odd ball, what the hell would she want to be in a group photo with you given that she spends her sad little life trying to get on your wick?? Undoubtedly the picture was to be used as more material to get at you. Avoid her as much as you can. I know because she's an in-law it might make it that bit harder, but try.

I honestly think after all she'd done I'd just tell her to piss off the next time she came near me. You've a lot more restraint than I have!

pharmaton

About 80% of my contacts on FB are on restricted. I had it deactivated for well over a year but when I started back in school it was almost a necessary requirement and even though I explained to people that I didn't use it, I would gladly add or accept them but that the only people I genuinely communicated with on it with were close family. It doesn't seem to cause as much of an issue as not accepting their friend request or blocking/unfriending people either. (I have some family members on restricted too) definitely the way to go.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm sure her other friends who share your star sign aren't too impressed!

There are people who live their lives on FB. Posting every minute of their day. I'd guess many of her "friends" have her blocked from their news feeds.

I'd just hide her from your news feeds. Then you don't have to see all her inane postings.

LegacyUser

HI, OP here.

Thanks for the feedback. I have put her on a limited profile setting. There used to be a setting also to prevent people commenting on your posts but can't find it anymore

I did initially think I may be over-reacting but it is hurtful, spiteful and bullying to certain degree.
Somebody asked what my husband thinks - it's actually my brother's wife.
I know she has far too much time on her hands and does tend to move from person to person. She doesn't like some of her neighbours and often publicly posts some very nasty things about them. I guess facebook has given some people an outlet for this sort of behaviour. I know I should rise above it. I was just feeling particularly low this week, anniversary of a family death etc and was probably particularly vulnerable.

freshpopcorn

There are often posts on this forum about people having issues with Facebook.
The replies are always nearly the same,
You can block the person.
Or make your privacy setting stronger so you have to approve photos your tagged in/comments posted on your wall.

LegacyUser

Well firstly I've mine set up so that if someone attempts to tag me in a pic, a request goes to me first (which I decline). Sounds like you haven't set that up, and you should, just in case she takes pics without you knowing.

Secondly I think that actually you not being on FB for days on end is a very good thing. Cos it just makes her look like a saddo when on monday she posts a question, and on wednesay is being all snide cos you haven't answered it. I know full well how many of my Friends are barely on FB - its obvious from their activity. It'll just make her look pathetic, tbh, to be haunting your newsfeed.

Thirdly, never respond to her questions on FB from now on. Text her back with the relevant info instead and then Post "X, I've texted you" up on FB underneath her comment. That always looks classy. It implies you're too mature to spell out your arrangements in public.

If you miss a question and she's already posted something snide, just text her "hey x, i'm never on FB, it's quicker to text me! " then post on FB "x, just texted you " as above (thats for the benefit of others who may be watching and wondering)

Be cute about it, and remember to stay looking like the classy one. Don't get into any conversations on FB, keep it to private texts. It's real obvious on FB who the sad losers are, thankfully. They really let their colours show.

Boldberry

You could block her on FB, but you still have to see her in real life. Would you not try and find out why she has such a problem with you?

Aseth

I understand you can't probably simply remove her from friends list(as she's your sister-in-law) so you can either delete her comments or make a group that you exclude from seeing your posts(I have one myself) and add her to it. She can't comment on something she's not able to see...

ongarboy

Aseth wrote: »

I understand you can't probably simply remove her from friends list(as she's your sister-in-law).

Why can't she? I would remove anyone who was in any way insulting to me (thinly veiled or otherwise) or caused me bother - no matter if they were related to me or not! I also wouldn't give them the time of day in real life either and not just on FB. That doesn't mean you have to be nasty back, just civil, polite and distant.

LegacyUser

Aseth wrote: »

I understand you can't probably simply remove her from friends list(as she's your sister-in-law) so you can either delete her comments or make a group that you exclude from seeing your posts(I have one myself) and add her to it. She can't comment on something she's not able to see...

I did delete comments before and she got quite rude about that and it caused a rift at the time.
To the poster above who suggested the texts - that's what I did this week. I emphasised that I don't use FB as a means of communication and she could feel free to text me if she ever needed an urgent reply. I didn't get any response to that.

In the New Year my brother invited me to visit them and she posted something on FB the night before about being sick of f'n visitors sitting around her house and not looking forward to people visiting. I texted him the next day saying I was unwell. I really didn't want to get into it because at the end of the day it wasn't him. I also didn't really want to give her the satisfaction of knowing it had upset me.
I think what annoys me more than anything is that she appears to think it's okay to treat me like this.

Big Bag of Chips

Well you have never pulled her up on it, so of course she thinks it's ok. She doesn't just do it to you either by the way. By commenting publicly on every aspect of other people (you) that annoys her, she is also commenting on other people in her friends list.

Why are you so considerate of her feelings, or worried about rocking the boat, when she clearly doesn't afford you the same consideration?

Catphish

seventhird wrote: »

Somebody asked what my husband thinks - it's actually my brother's wife.

That somebody was me, I understood you meant your husbands sister, and that is why I asked you what does he make of it all. Have you even discussed this with him? Why do you think he shouldn't have any involvement if it is HIS sister that is causing you this problem in the first place.

Given the extra information you gave about her not getting along with her neighbours and also posting nasty things about them, I think she isn't well.. You need to have a conversation with your husband and ask him to look into her general welfare. Online bullying and a fixation on other peoples lives isn't healthy. Ensure she stays blocked so her nastiness cannot effect you, and once you've mentioned the above to your husband it is up to him and his family to discuss this with her and see that she gets some kind of help.

Believe me, this is more about her than it is about you SevenThird

Big Bag of Chips

You misunderstood Catphish

it's actually my brother's wife

Look seventhird, the fact is she's a mouthy b*tch. She's doesn't have a personality transplant when just dealing with you. She is like this with most people. Maybe she's not like it in "real life", but uses Facebook as her platform, and thinks everyone is interested in her ranting!

She gets away with it, because people like you keep your head down and don't challenge her on it. Chances are if you did challenge her on it, she'd either back off.. or wouldn't care less, and post even more stuff about people having "some cheek giving her attitude" or something similar.

You cannot control her, or her fascination with living her life through Facebook. But you can either decide to put up with it. Pull her up on it. Or "hide" her...

ElleEm

OP, you really do need to start being more assertive with her. You cannot change her behaviour, but if you name it with her, she might be shocked into submission. With that thing about visiting, you could have easily just text/ phoned your bro to check if visiting was still okay as you saw X ranting on Facebook about not wanting any visitors. You don't need to be confrontational, or pick on everything she says or writes on her own FB page, but if she is directing something at you, then you have the right to say "that was unkind/ unecessary" etc.
You should also change your Facebook settings so that you have to approve every post or picture before they go public.

ivytwine

I'd like to add that (I've said before on Personal Issues when someone had an issue with 'thinly veiled' digs on Facebook) she is only making herself look bad. There's a 500 page thread in After Hours about stupid things people say on Facebook , there are blogs and sites dedicated to it. It's an industry almost at this stage

What I'm trying to say is she is the one with the problem and any mutual friends ye have will see this. She's the one coming across as the one with the problem, the one who's sad enough to be spending all her time bitching on Facebook. I'm sure plenty of people see her for the pathetic individual she is.

The starsign thing? Come on, what is she, 12?

I can see why your brother is reluctant to get involved unfortunately.

FWIW, I think you are handling this correctly, by not acknowledging her bitchiness. You need to get to a place where you feel more at ease with being assertive with her.

Keep up saying that you don't use Facebook and to keep texting you instead. If she persists maybe you could tell her she's making herself look silly by posting on your wall with no reply.

I think for the passive aggressive stuff you would be best off ignoring it or pretending you didn't see it. Make it seem like you were really busy. Make her realised how sad she is, "Oh sure I've way too much to be at to be looking at Facebook!"

I'm sure she'll give up then.

Catphish

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You misunderstood Catphish

Thank you for the clarification BBOC's.



My advice stands as it is not her own direct family.

December2012

Why did you not point out your sister in laws comments about visitors to your brother?

That was the perfect opportunity to clear the air and tell him how unwelcome she makes you feel.

jackboy

If your brother is as accommodating to her as you he may be completely dominated by her. Either stand up to her or break off contact, life is too short to be pandering to bullies.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Many people dismiss the internet and facebook as being harmless but in my profession I see a lot of upset caused by insensitive and hurtful remarks made on facebook. I'd like to know if you feel this lady is bullying you and what is her motivation to do so? As you have described she will not contact you via text, is blocking you from visiting your direct family members (your brother), and is publicly attacking you on your facebook page. You also say you met her recently where she tried to photograph you and post it to facebook, did other people see you being harassed on that occasion?

I find this behaviour a little incredible, do you have an offline relationship with her, do you drop in to her for coffee and a chat or is your only communication via facebook? Do you meet with your brother? Can you not quietly take him aside and highlight the issue? When you met her in the group, did she speak with you or did she avoid conversation with you, can you not take her aside and ask her straight out what her problem is?

If this woman was not a family member you would possibly report her for harassment, blocking her on facebook may not resolve the issue as this is an issue about behaviour rather than the the medium being used.

kookygirl

my sister in law is quite a mean oerson but because noone in our family likes her i try to b a friend to her but its hard.see ut like this she must have some good in her (mine is a kind auntie to my son) however if she has no redeeming qualities wgatsoever cut her out if ur life

Toots

You can set your facebook profile that posts on your wall need to be approved before they'll appear on it, so you could set that up in relation to her. Also the same applies to tags in photos. Honestly if she's being such a bitch to you then I'd block her, and if she gets rude about it just say straight out 'well all you did was post bitchy crap on my wall and make snide comments, so why wouldn't I block you?'

Emme

Upgrade your privacy settings on FB. Make your SIL an "acquaintance" and not a "friend". Unsubscribe from her news feed and that should sort things out.

sadie06

Do you enjoy Facebook? If not, leave it. Best thing I ever did!

Pat Mustard

Restrict her OP. Although she will still be a 'friend', she won't even see your posts in order to reply to them.

Problem solved.

When you add someone to your Restricted list, they'll only be able to see your Public content or posts that you tag them in. So if you put your boss on your Restricted list, post a photo and choose Friends as the audience, your boss (and anyone else on Restricted) won’t see that photo. However, if you add a tag of your boss to the photo, we’ll let them know they’re in it and they’ll be able to see the photo. If someone else tries to tag your boss in one of your photos, you’ll get to approve this tag from your pending posts.

LegacyUser

Why not play her at her own nasty game and post aggressive comments to her page and see how she reacts? Sounds like you are too much of a lady to do so but seriously OP you must expose this bullying relative because if she's so nasty to you on Facebook she could be saying all sorts about you behind your back without your knowledge.

tinkerbell

I'd put her on the restricted list on facebook if you feel like you can't just unfriend her but if it were me, I'd just unfriend her and block her. If she asks you about it, just say you were fed up of her constant bitchy crap so she can take it elsewhere as you ain't interested.