Facebook photos of an ex

LegacyUser

I met a girl last week and we instantly hit it off. Was on our 2nd date last night and everything still great.

Just found her facebook page and she has a lot of photos of her and her ex. She said she's broke up 6/7 months. I like her and I have ex's too, but there is no record of any of them as far as the public can see on my page.

A few photos wouldn't be that crazy, but she has one or two albums when it's just the two of them on a weekend away. Public. Private, I can understand but public?

I want to see her again but not sure it's ideal date 3 conversation.

SingItOut

It's not something I'd be bothered about and I would be the jealous type. I'm still tagged in loads of photos with my ex and have a couple of albums I'm with him in too I'd imagine yet we'll be broken up two years this summer. Their still there because I have better things to be doing than searching and deleting pictures from albums that are a few years/months old. I deleted him and pictures of us in my profile pictures album, my fiancé isn't bothered by the pictures. He brought it up and I told him the same as here that I have no desire to spend hours deleting pictures that are years old and he is fine with that. I think it's because you're developing strong feelings for this girl that you're getting a little jealous which is normal, but if she isn't your girlfriend then it isn't appropriate for you to bring it up with her.

Meauldsegosha

nightDriving wrote: »

I met a girl last week and we instantly hit it off. Was on our 2nd date last night and everything still great.

Just found her facebook page and she has a lot of photos of her and her ex. She said she's broke up 6/7 months. I like her and I have ex's too, but there is no record of any of them as far as the public can see on my page.

A few photos wouldn't be that crazy, but she has one or two albums when it's just the two of them on a weekend away. Public. Private, I can understand but public?

I want to see her again but not sure it's ideal date 3 conversation.

You've been on two dates. What she has on her Facebook page is none of your business.

December2012

I'm not sure if you're being insecure, controlling, or just putting all of the horses before the cart.

You've had two dates and you're judging her Facebook postings.

It's far too much. Just stop - it's nothing whatsoever to do with you.

LegacyUser

Maybe I'm worded it wrong.

We're going out on a third date and I can see a 4th and so on. But when I saw here page I was a bit bemused by the loved up photos of the ex. I too have an ex and haven't deleted one photo. But they're all private.

Her facebook is not my business. But it's public. And I'm as nosey as the next person.

Czarcasm

nightDriving wrote: »

I want to see her again but not sure it's ideal date 3 conversation.

OP aside from my own personal feeling that what you're doing, or what you did, is right creepy, the fact that you're already talking about what she should and shouldn't post on her personal page signals all sorts of wrong.

I want to advise you for this girls sake that you bring up the conversation immediately so she can see what she could be letting herself in for and give her the chance to make a run for it. For your sake though, I would suggest you examine your behaviour and ask yourself why you feel a need to have this conversation with a girl you've only been on two dates with. You don't sound mature enough to even BE dating tbh.

freshpopcorn

Not everybody bothers deleting photos of there ex when they break up. A lot of the time People don't even think of doing it.

Mint Aero

From my experience of FB pics and dating...

Mint Aero: I checked out your FB pics
Girl: You what?
Mint Aero: Erm yeah, hot?
Girl: You looked at my pictures? That's so creepy. How are you even able to see them?!

I'm not trying to be funny on a personal issues forum but I've experienced the above on more than one occasion without actually being pervy. It's like some girls dont realise the world can see these pics they put up or the idea someone they're dating would search for them is a foreign concept. Strange world.

Maybe she's the same in this respect OP.

con___manx1

My ex tagged me in hundreds of photos . we went to oz together. ended up splitting up when we got home. I deleted her on fb when I found out she had started dating someone else but found it very hard to delete d pictures at d time. Funny thing is she is going out with this new guy a year and she still hasn't deleted d photos of me. Next relationship I'm Not putting anything on fb .im not deleting those pics either can't bring myself to do it even now 15 months apart. Iv met few girls since but have most of pics on private. Same as my ex I'd say

ManOfMystery

nightDriving wrote: »

I met a girl last week and we instantly hit it off. Was on our 2nd date last night and everything still great.

Just found her facebook page and she has a lot of photos of her and her ex. She said she's broke up 6/7 months. I like her and I have ex's too, but there is no record of any of them as far as the public can see on my page.

A few photos wouldn't be that crazy, but she has one or two albums when it's just the two of them on a weekend away. Public. Private, I can understand but public?

I want to see her again but not sure it's ideal date 3 conversation.

You've been on 2 dates.

You are not - I repeat, NOT - in a relationship.

At this stage, even another 3 or 4 dates does not mean you're in a relationship. You are testing the water with each other, she could even be having dates with other people at the same time and she is well within her rights to do so until she decides to commit exclusively to someone.

As such, what she has on her Facebook page is frankly none of your business. So what if she has photos of an ex there? For all you know they could have stayed very good friends after their breakup and she has no compulsion or need to suddenly 'delete' him from every picture she happens to have on Facebook. Or she could look back on that stage of her life as most healthy, non-insecure and non-possessive people do - as something that made her the person she is today, no matter how it ended, and the memories are good ones.

Relax a bit, seriously.

con___manx1 wrote: »

My ex tagged me in hundreds of photos . we went to oz together. ended up splitting up when we got home. I deleted her on fb when I found out she had started dating someone else but found it very hard to delete d pictures at d time. Funny thing is she is going out with this new guy a year and she still hasn't deleted d photos of me. Next relationship I'm Not putting anything on fb .im not deleting those pics either can't bring myself to do it even now 15 months apart. Iv met few girls since but have most of pics on private. Same as my ex I'd say

And on that note, not everyone places the same importance on what happens to be on their Facebook page.

I'm married. But I'm pretty sure there's bound to be a photo of an ex or 2 somewhere in the hundreds of pics on my Facebook page, and I know for a fact I'm on one of theirs. Do I care? No. Does my wife care? No. What matters to her is our marriage and the commitment we made to each other, not some random photos I forgot to delete off a social media site which has no bearing on the status of our relationship.

Meauldsegosha

nightDriving wrote: »

Maybe I'm worded it wrong.

We're going out on a third date and I can see a 4th and so on. But when I saw here page I was a bit bemused by the loved up photos of the ex. I too have an ex and haven't deleted one photo. But they're all private.

Her facebook is not my business. But it's public. And I'm as nosey as the next person.

No you didn't word it wrong. So what if her pictures of her and ex are public. The facts are you met a woman last week, have been on two dates, you may be going on a third and you are thinking of having a conversation with her about pictures of her ex. Alarm bells should be ringing because that is not normal behaviour. Can you understand how creepy you sound?

Asbury Park

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt OP and suggest you're insecure rather than creepy, as creepy as you might come across. Perhaps you're investing too much in this because the tone of your language suggests someone who thinks they're in a relationship already. You say you know that the facebook pics topics is not an ideal date 3 conversation. It's not an ideal conversation, full stop. It's a conversation stopper and quite possibly a date stopper also. Just take a step back and examine your own motivation for why you would even consider that this girl has pics of her ex on a facebook as an issue.

CaraMay

nightDriving wrote: »

Her facebook is not my business.

True but then why are you posting here about it?

What does it matter (to you or anyone) that her photos are public?

You barely know her yet you want to bring it up on a date? V creepy

LegacyUser

ha! I am not sitting here perving over her pictures. We talked about facebook. She has a page and I looked at it. Is that creepy? If she's looking at mine should I be worried?

I don't care about her having an ex. Nor do I care that she posed for photos with him when they were together. As stated, I too have an ex. But when we broke up, I hid all our mutual albums and untagged myself from any mutual timeline ones. It was an amicable breakup so it wasn't in a hate fuelled rage or anything. I just thought and think that those photos have a different meaning now that we're broken up. They're ours and I don't think having them online for the world to see is what I want. I haven't deleted them. They're just hidden.

I am definitely not thinking about bringing up the topic of these images on any of our future dates. Not at all. When I said it wasn't ideal 3rd date conversation, I meant it light heartedly. I definitely worded that wrong. 3rd date 'Can was talk about the photos of you and your ex?' ...I'd run a mile if someone said that to me.

I didn't really want this topic to be about me and or her. I just wondered what people's opinions are about such photos and what people do, or think they should do when they become single and still have photos online.

Tokyo

I appreciate that you don't want the topic to be about you and her OP, but you are the one that is making it about you and her, as you are basing seeing her again on the outcome of a possible conversation wit her about this.

But ok, to answer the written question - "what people's opinions are about such photos", by own answer is I don't care less either way. For me, facebook is like that shoebox you dump keepsakes in, only to end up forgetting about them until years later. Go back through my photos and I've been tagged with a few exes, I simply couldn't be bothered deleting them. My ex felt the same way about her facebook. At the end of the day that person was part of my life at one stage, and good experience or bad, it contributed to who I am now. I wouldn't try to delete it any more than I'd try to delete photos of a bad holiday or similar.

You should ask yourself the hidden question though - for your own benefit of nothing else. Why does this bother you so much? While you may not bring up the topic, you *are* dwelling on it, and it's affecting how you perceive this girl. If she has albums made public, so what? I know plenty of people that basically use facebook as a dropbox for photos to share with family. At the end of the day he's an ex, she's dating you, and liked you enough to go on a second and now third date. I'd be pretty happy with that for now if I were you.

Taltos

nightDriving wrote: »

I didn't really want this topic to be about me and or her. I just wondered what people's opinions are about such photos and what people do, or think they should do when they become single and still have photos online.

Hi OP - this forum is purely to give advice of on personal issues. It is not a discussion forum. So far the responses are in line with that. However if you want something else then please advise and we will close down this thread.

Cheers.
Taltos

Stavro Mueller

There was a thread here recently where the issue of photos of an ex on Facebook came up. There is no definitive answer. Some people delete the photos of their exes out of respect for their new partner or don't see a reason to leave them up any more. Others say the exes are part of their life to date and don't see what the fuss is about.

Really, this isn't the time to be bringing the subject up. If you and her become a couple and it's something that's still bothering you at that stage, have a chat about it. In the meantime, you're better off saying nowt.

Meauldsegosha

It obviously bothers you or you wouldn't have posted here. I have photos of my ex on FB and so does my boyfriend. Neither of us care about the photos and we both understand that we had pasts before we meet. Also we don't put too much importance on a page on a web site.

Czarcasm

OP I think you're completely missing the point. You suggested that you're nosey (aren't we all?). The fact is that no, we're not. Out of respect for another person, you don't go googling or facebooking them or whatever if they have not invited you to do so. You went on a couple of dates with this girl and she wasn't comfortable enough yet to share that information with you. When she is, she'll let you know. Beyond that, any transgression into her life is an invasion, and it's quite simply rude.

To actually question her still having photos of her ex on her personal page then is just a whole other level of not on. Whether she's lax in her privacy settings or just ignorant of them is really no justification for you to be letting yourself in the door so to speak, and the fact she still has photos of her ex on there doesn't tell you anything. As many have already stated here - some people just aren't that arsed about going to the effort of deleting those photos. I'm sure you can appreciate the number of people who abandoned their public bebo profiles never to bother with them again when they moved over to Facebook.

I'm not on Facebook myself, but my wife is, and the only thing I asked is that she not be going mad uploading photos of myself or our son. I might as well have been pissing into the wind. Every time I have to adjust her privacy settings or maintain her page (because again like Mike said it's like an online shoe box that she just throws anything and everything up there), it gives me a pain in my face, because it's a mess. It's more like an online scrap book than a shoe box.

BUT, it's HER shoe box, so even then I have no right to tell her what she can and can't put up there. It's HER life as such, and it means something to her, and I have to respect that and respect her privacy. What she chooses to share with me is then her own business, and tbh quite frankly I don't want to know about what her friends are doing or who she's talking to or what photos she has up.

Social media permeates every aspect of our lives now so it's almost unavoidable. I said almost. I'm probably untagged in numerous albums on my friends pages so I'm sure if I ever do get an inclination to drive myself demented and join Facebook, they'll be able to autofill my profile and populate a couple of albums for me and all ready to go!

MagicMarker

My god posters on boards can be ridiculously harsh on others for absolutely no reason.

OP, you didn't explain yourself all that well originally, granted. But it's clear from your subsequent posts that you're not a creep or a weirdo. You're just someone who feels that having public photo albums of you and your ex is a little inappropriate for you, which is fine. I'm not on facebook myself but I would probably feel the same, in that I would likely make any albums of just me and my ex private.

But now you know, from the replies on this thread, that not everyone is the same. People just don't really consider this kind of thing all that much of a big deal. Which is also fine. This girl having the pics up is not something you need to be concerned with, chances are they haven't even crossed her mind. The question is, now that you know this, are you going to let it affect you?

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I think you're completely missing the point. You suggested that you're nosey (aren't we all?). The fact is that no, we're not. Out of respect for another person, you don't go googling or facebooking them or whatever if they have not invited you to do so. You went on a couple of dates with this girl and she wasn't comfortable enough yet to share that information with you. When she is, she'll let you know. Beyond that, any transgression into her life is an invasion, and it's quite simply rude.

You think it's an "invasion" and rude and disrespectful when someone who is dating another person actually looks at their facebook page? That just may be the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. Either this woman has her profile public for the world to see, in which case she has no cause for complaint if someone actually looks, or it's private and the OP is her friend, in which case she accepted/requested the friend request knowing full that he can look at everything she has up. Either way, there is no invasion of privacy here and there is NO invite required.

I don't exactly know what the OP hopes to gain from this - they ask their ... whatever this person is, because they're not a girlfriend ... to take down those photos then he is either controlling or insecure. OP, your best bet is to just not look at those photos.

MagicMarker

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't exactly know what the OP hopes to gain from this - they ask their ... whatever this person is, because they're not a girlfriend ... to take down those photos then he is either controlling or insecure. OP, your best bet is to just not look at those photos.

OP has stated that he doesn't plan on raising this subject with her at all.

Czarcasm

MagicMarker I'm just going to use your own words here -

MagicMarker wrote: »

My god posters on boards can be ridiculously harsh on others for absolutely no reason.

You say the above, but then in your post you come out with -

You think it's an "invasion" and rude and disrespectful when someone who is dating another person actually looks at their facebook page? That just may be the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard.

You're just someone who feels that having public photo albums of you and your ex is a little inappropriate for you, which is fine. I'm not on facebook myself but I would probably feel the same, in that I would likely make any albums of just me and my ex private.

That'd be fine for you and for the OP, but the OP's issue is that a girl whom he only went on two dates with has photos of her ex visible on her Facebook page. It's the classic "Don't go snooping because you may not like what you find". We all set standards for ourselves, but we don't have the right to dictate standards for other people, especially someone we've just met.

Either this woman has her profile public for the world to see, in which case she has no cause for complaint if someone actually looks, or it's private and the OP is her friend, in which case she accepted/requested the friend request knowing full that he can look at everything she has up. Either way, there is no invasion of privacy here and there is NO invite required.

From the OP's opening post -

nightDriving wrote: »

I met a girl last week and we instantly hit it off. Was on our 2nd date last night and everything still great.

Just found her facebook page and she has a lot of photos of her and her ex. She said she's broke up 6/7 months. I like her and I have ex's too, but there is no record of any of them as far as the public can see on my page.

A few photos wouldn't be that crazy, but she has one or two albums when it's just the two of them on a weekend away. Public. Private, I can understand but public?

I want to see her again but not sure it's ideal date 3 conversation.

So the OP went looking for her page, then made a leap from having "hit it off" with a girl he only met a week ago, to analysing her photos and postings on Facebook and making judgements about her on that basis, then doubting whether he could continue to see her because of it.

Mint Aero put it very well when he pointed out how this would play out for the OP were he to broach the subject of his snooping habits -

Mint Aero wrote: »

From my experience of FB pics and dating...

Mint Aero: I checked out your FB pics
Girl: You what?
Mint Aero: Erm yeah, hot?
Girl: You looked at my pictures? That's so creepy. How are you even able to see them?!

I'm not trying to be funny on a personal issues forum but I've experienced the above on more than one occasion without actually being pervy. It's like some girls dont realise the world can see these pics they put up or the idea someone they're dating would search for them is a foreign concept. Strange world.

Maybe she's the same in this respect OP.

I don't think the girl would particularly care whether the OP thinks she has a right to be upset or not. You have to consider the possibility that she would be. If the OP hadn't thought they were doing anything wrong, and they were hitting it off, then why not offer the other person a link to THEIR Facebook profile rather than go snooping?

I get people inviting me to add them to my LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter etc ALL the time. When I tell them I'm not on social media they try and convince me to get on it and connect with them or follow them or whatever the fcuk. The point I'm getting at is that perhaps the OP isn't hitting it off like they think they are, but snooping on this girl without her knowledge is something even the OP knows they did wrong.

Addle

nightDriving wrote: »

I too have an ex. But when we broke up, I hid all our mutual albums and untagged myself from any mutual timeline ones.

Better be open about it than hide it I think.

MagicMarker

Czarcasm wrote: »

MagicMarker I'm just going to use your own words here -



You say the above, but then in your post you come out with -







That'd be fine for you and for the OP, but the OP's issue is that a girl whom he only went on two dates with has photos of her ex visible on her Facebook page. It's the classic "Don't go snooping because you may not like what you find". We all set standards for ourselves, but we don't have the right to dictate standards for other people, especially someone we've just met.





From the OP's opening post -





So the OP went looking for her page, then made a leap from having "hit it off" with a girl he only met a week ago, to analysing her photos and postings on Facebook and making judgements about her on that basis, then doubting whether he could continue to see her because of it.

Mint Aero put it very well when he pointed out how this would play out for the OP were he to broach the subject of his snooping habits -





I don't think the girl would particularly care whether the OP thinks she has a right to be upset or not. You have to consider the possibility that she would be. If the OP hadn't thought they were doing anything wrong, and they were hitting it off, then why not offer the other person a link to THEIR Facebook profile rather than go snooping?

I get people inviting me to add them to my LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter etc ALL the time. When I tell them I'm not on social media they try and convince me to get on it and connect with them or follow them or whatever the fcuk. The point I'm getting at is that perhaps the OP isn't hitting it off like they think they are, but snooping on this girl without her knowledge is something even the OP knows they did wrong.

The OP has done absolutely nothing wrong here. Her facebook page is public and so anyone can look as much as they like. It's perfectly normal for someone to look someone else up on facebook who they're associated with/interested in.

The OP is also not judging this woman or dictating anything to her, nor is he going to broach the subject with her at all. He just finds it strange that someone would have so many pics of an ex up because that's not something he would do. Again, there's nothing wrong with this. Now he knows from asking other's opinions that it's not a big deal. But of course he had to be labelled a controlling creepy weirdo in the mean time.

Legs.Eleven

Czarcasm, most people I know have a snoop at other people's Facebook pages, particularly if they're interested in that person. Tis the modern times we live in and if you have Facebook, you should expect that people will have a look. Often people leave albums or photos public because it's very obvious they want others to see them for whatever reason. Not saying this is the case here but I don't find what the OP did creepy at all.

Seeing photos like that wouldn't bother me personally as I know myself people don't take stuff down from Facebook and leave it there more for storage and it usually means nothing. I wouldn't approach this with the girl you're seeing, OP and I wouldn't let it bother you. They're just photos and exes are usually exes for a very good reason.

Toots

Whenever I post up pictures on FB the majority of them are set that only my friends can see them, however I have others that only a very small group of family members can see (family holidays etc, don't want the whole world to see me in a swimsuit) However, she might be genuinely unaware that her pictures are 'public'. Often times, unless you set it otherwise, when you upload pics the privacy defaults to public and some people never think to change it, or maybe she just doesn't care who sees her pictures. Honestly, I'd not be bringing it up on a 3rd date, or possibly ever. She was with this guy for x amount of time, and during that time he was a part of her life. If the breakup wasn't acrimonious she probably doesn't see any reason to delete the photos.

ibarelycare

I think the fact that they're "public" is completely irrelevant. Some people post pictures on FB and don't take any notice of the privacy settings and have no idea that what they're posting is public.

Regarding having pictures with an ex on FB, I don't think that's a problem at all. I've got albums on my FB visible to all my friends containing pictures of me and two ex boyfriends...weekends away, weddings, holidays, everything. The relationships may be over but I still have happy memories of those times, and because of the modern times we live in, Facebook is the only place I have these photos stored. I did actually untag myself in all photos of me and my most recent ex, but that's because we had a very messy breakup and I was very hurt at the time.

I'm online dating at the moment, and when I add guys from the dating sites on FB, I see photos of them and their exes, and it doesn't bother me at all. Actually makes me feel better to know they're normal enough to have held down a relationship at some point

Lots of people have a problem with any indication that their new squeeze has had a life before them. I've seen people here say they'd dump their partner if they didn't take down pics of the ex. That to me is incredibly over the top and I'd run a mile from demands like that.

She has a few pics up, it's her business. She had a past, it included an ex, they took pictures and it's part of her life.

If it really really really bothers you, there's two courses of action. You can demand she removes them to spare your feelings - and come across like a high maintenance possessive divo, or you can maintain your dignity, accept she wasn't born the day she met you, and not look at them.

czechlin

OP it might be a case that she doesn't even realise she has it set for Public. To me it's silly but I know of good few people, who didn't have a clue of privacy settings.
But irrespective of that it's her life, you've only met the girl and it definitely isn't a 3rd (or 4th or 5th) date conversation. If some lad pulled this on me I think I'd be running. Because that would come across as controlling. I don't like controlling.
People look at other people's profiles, I get it. The curiosity and temptation is quite strong and if the opportunity is there why not do it? But one thing is to check it out, the other thing is to base your opinion about the person on it.

we'llallhavetea

Doesn't bother me at all, these are photos of peoples lives and memories, the only reason I would delete photos of exes is if it was painful for me to look at them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. Useful and useless.

We've been out since and have already made plans to go out again this weekend AND to the cinema next week. It's all going good and I'm happy out.

But.

We are friends now on Facebook. She has pictures of two of her ex's. I started this thread when I saw she had one...and now it's two. She is definitely not computer illiterate and yes, some people haven't a clue about Facebook privacy settings, but she is not one of those people.

I guess I'm a little insecure. Isn't everyone? I have no photo's of my ex but that's just me and having read some of the better replies above I can see that it's not that big of a deal. We all have pasts. I'm not going to bring it up and I'm not going to let it get in the way of anything. I like her for who she is and her Facebook profile is definitely not a deal breaker.

Czarcasm

nightDriving wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Useful and useless.

We've been out since and have already made plans to go out again this weekend AND to the cinema next week. It's all going good and I'm happy out.

But.

We are friends now on Facebook. She has pictures of two of her ex's. I started this thread when I saw she had one...and now it's two. She is definitely not computer illiterate and yes, some people haven't a clue about Facebook privacy settings, but she is not one of those people.

I guess I'm a little insecure. Isn't everyone? I have no photo's of my ex but that's just me and having read some of the better replies above I can see that it's not that big of a deal. We all have pasts. I'm not going to bring it up and I'm not going to let it get in the way of anything. I like her for who she is and her Facebook profile is definitely not a deal breaker.

There's probably not much point in my asking, but why if you're not going to bring it up with her, would you even feel a need to point this out then?

The reason I ask (and it's not to get at you), is because you mention this, and then say that you're insecure, as if this makes you feel insecure. You could let this insecurity fester, and it'll eat away at you, or you could simply be honest with her and ask her what's the deal with that? We all have our differing opinions on here, but the best person to ask, if you truly want a definitive answer that will rid you of your insecurity, is this girl herself.

You have to ask yourself what will happen the next time she puts something up on Facebook that pricks your insecurity, will you let it go again, and again? And at what point do you admit you just can't take it any more?

I think it's best now that you're actually friends on her Facebook page and it looks like the early stages of a relationship is developing, that you actually be honest with this girl and straight up from the start, rather than let these niggling insecurities eat away at you.

CaraMay

You must be really insecure if 2 pictures, each of a different guy, cause you this level of concern. You barely know the girl ?!?!

smythking

Its early days and you have to prove yourself first and if you click together then those photographs will be gone and you will be in the pictures instead.Maybe shes not the type that bins all stuff from previous relationship.

ongarboy

Yes, OP we are all a little insecure about something but I think the general consensus here is that your insecurity over this is extreme - extreme enough to jeopardize your chance of a successful relationship with this girl. Have a think about other guys who would not be bothered by this and maybe question why they wouldn't? Would it be because they have enough confidence in themselves and trust their partner - both very important attributes for successful happy relationships.

If I thought my partner had hangups about such innocent and normal aspects of my past in those early days, they'd be shown the door pretty quickly. Insecurity that is displayed via jealousy, passive aggressive behaviour and moodiness are such turn offs.