Sad to say bye to my surname

sara1

This post has been deleted.

Faith

It's unconventional, but would he consider taking your name? Particularly if he has no relationship with his dad, he might not be too attached to his name.

I don't like the idea of changing mine either. My OH has a foreign surname so it's even more unfamiliar! But I know it means a lot to him to have me take his name so I'll probably change it privately, but keep my maiden name professionally.

m'lady

Yeah I can get why your sad about changing your name, you've had it since birth presumably! I always said I'd never change my surname for any man (the feminist came out in me!), but as years have got by I have changed my mind, and have decided I'd go double barrel, would you consider that?

Dolbert

I'm just using either one, depending on the situation! My passport still has 8 years left on it so I won't be changing it and I still use my own surname for work, but informally I do use my married name a lot now.

Plates

Whatever you do don't go down the double barrel route, it's the ultimate in fence sitting and no matter what the combination it always sounds pretentious. Stick with your own name for now and you can change it once the kids come along if you want.

sanna

Im the same, theres no boys in our family and Im a daddies girl still even at the age of 40, seems sad to be losing my surname thats done me amazing over the years, H2B isnt fussed and said I can do double barrelled, but getting opposition from his family, more his sisters but Im defo thinking this is the way forward

mistress_gi

Well, I got married and kept my surname. explained to my husband it was important for me and I really did not want to give it up as it was such a big part of who I am so what we did was I took his last name as my second last name so everyone was happy!

cookiecakes

I kept my surname. Would never have dreamt of changing it. I asked my husband before we got married if he was put out that I wasn't changing it and he said 'Sure isn't Cookie Cakes the woman I fell in love with?' Best answer ever! A few of his uncles and his brother were a bit put out that I didn't change it but luckily, I wasn't marrying any of them!

jlm29

My oh's surname is a bit gick, and I hate the idea of taking it, but we have a little boy, and he has his dad's surname. I'd like us all to have the same name, so I'm prepared to suck it up and get used to it!

Vision of Disorder

I think I'd be a tiny bit disappointed if a woman actually took my surname. I just don't see why she would feel any desire to (and there's nothing horrific about my surname specifically, I mean in general terms! ).

deelite

Dolbert wrote: »

I'm just using either one, depending on the situation! My passport still has 8 years left on it so I won't be changing it and I still use my own surname for work, but informally I do use my married name a lot now.

I do this too - and I don't correct anybody about what surname they call me.

mistress_gi

Also isn't it weird we all grew up with a name and now, all of a sudden, you have a whole different one? Also why do we (women) have to change our names?

snickerpuss

You don't have to take it. You won't be less of a family unit with your maiden name. You could always just change it on your passport if you were worried about hassle with kids in airports etc.

I never gave a second thought to the idea of changing mine. Have heard people say not changing it implies you aren't really committed or you won't be a proper family. Please! If my fiancee felt that strongly about it he could change to mine but luckily he couldn't give a fig.

Gokei

mistress_gi wrote: »

Also isn't it weird we all grew up with a name and now, all of a sudden, you have a whole different one? Also why do we (women) have to change our names?

You sound like you only hard of thus recently..

Op, what about the two of you going double barrel?

The J Stands for Jay

At the risk of sounding daft, not changing your surname will eventually leave your kids at eiak of identity theft. Loads of places want your mother's maiden name.

Actually, the practice of having your maiden name appearing in brackets on your Facebook page is probably putting them at a lot more risk...

sara1

This post has been deleted.

Alan The Ape

It probably is difficult decision to make in modern day for modern woman. Everything complicated. Strange time. Me think you take your husband name. But not matter what I think. Me think it take all sort to make world make round.

seosamh1980

McGaggs wrote: »

At the risk of sounding daft, not changing your surname will eventually leave your kids at risk of identity theft. Loads of places want your mother's maiden name.

Eh, what? My mother never changed her name, I've often given her maiden surname when asked that question on things and have never had issues with identity theft.

lazygal

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Eh, what? My mother never changed her name, I've often given her maiden surname when asked that question on things and have never had issues with identity theft.

Same here. My mother never changed her name either and it has never been an issue, ever. It never crossed my mind to change my name and our children have both our surnames, which has never caused problems. I couldn't care less if people think it's pretentious or whatever, their names are their names.

pwurple

Never changed my name. My career was established long before my marriage. It got first dibs.

Also, there is no central way of doing it here. It's all 'common usage'... Ie, go around changing every address and company/service reference to you in the world. Painful.

sara1

This post has been deleted.

coleen

Just to let you know I have been married for 32 years and ad I never left my home town I am always know in my maiden name even though I had taken my husbands name so I would not give it too much thought. I have husbands name on passport and other official docs but to all others I am using my maiden name.
It is easier for school purpose and travel to have one family name but not essential if you prefer not.

sara1

This post has been deleted.

eviltwin

for what its worth, i kept my own name, my kids are double barrel but use just one name day to day and i've never felt we're any less of a family or a unit because we don't all have the same name. I think the idea of keeping your name until you have kids and then seeing how you feel is a good one. Best of luck and congratulations.

John Mason

i never changed mine. it made me who i am.

no intention of ever changing it

sara1

This post has been deleted.

Maybe I'm not one to talk (as I'd never intend on getting married, or having kids if the situation arose).

But I'd (I'm a man, by the way) be pretty stern on her taking my name. Much like I'd get the kids christened, etc. even though I couldn't believe less in any God if i tried.

Is it not all about just making things a little bit easier for the kids?

If you're not gonna have kids, then keep your name (hey, make up a new one that combines both your surnames if you want, for the laugh) but if you are having kids, just bite the bullet and get it over with.

If your kids have those somewhat annoying double barrel names and they get married, can they go double barrel again? If a double barrel-er marries a double barrel-er, can you be a quad barrel-er? (genuine question).

It gets far too messy, if so!

Toots

I know how you feel, I'm really attached to my 'maiden' name. It's a fairly unusual name and we're a family of girls so there's nobody to carry on the name either. When I got married I knew my OH would have been a bit upset if I'd kept my name, so I double-barreled. I don't care one bit if people sound pretentious, if they have a problem with it, it's their problem, not mine. My name means a lot to me.

Most days I just use my married name, things like my bank account, credit card etc all changed but my passport and driving licence are double barrel. In work I use double barrel as well, because I've worked there for about 7 years before marrying so a lot of people know me as my maiden name. Also my married name is a fairly common one, so there's about 8 other Toots "Smith" in my organisation, which opens the door for me getting sent a load of emails meant for the other Toots instead!

Toots

Deleted User wrote: »

If you're not gonna have kids, then keep your name (hey, make up a new one that combines both your surnames if you want, for the laugh) but if you are having kids, just bite the bullet and get it over with.

I went to primary school with a boy whose parents did just that! Luckily their names combined to make a fairly normal surname.

lazygal

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Maybe I'm not one to talk (as I'd never intend on getting married, or having kids if the situation arose).

But I'd (I'm a man, by the way) be pretty stern on her taking my name. Much like I'd get the kids christened, etc. even though I couldn't believe less in any God if i tried.

Is it not all about just making things a little bit easier for the kids?

If you're not gonna have kids, then keep your name (hey, make up a new one that combines both your surnames if you want, for the laugh) but if you are having kids, just bite the bullet and get it over with.

If your kids have those somewhat annoying double barrel names and they get married, can they go double barrel again? If a double barrel-er marries a double barrel-er, can you be a quad barrel-er? (genuine question).

It gets far too messy, if so!

I think it's just as well you're not getting married and having children. This attitude stinks of why things never change in Ireland, people just doing things for the sake of it and maintaining the status quo. Plenty of other countries manage to cope with double barrel names. Why on earth would you insist on a woman changing her name and baptizing children if you don't believe?

eviltwin

Deleted User wrote: »

Maybe I'm not one to talk (as I'd never intend on getting married, or having kids if the situation arose).

But I'd (I'm a man, by the way) be pretty stern on her taking my name. Much like I'd get the kids christened, etc. even though I couldn't believe less in any God if i tried.

Is it not all about just making things a little bit easier for the kids?

If you're not gonna have kids, then keep your name (hey, make up a new one that combines both your surnames if you want, for the laugh) but if you are having kids, just bite the bullet and get it over with.

If your kids have those somewhat annoying double barrel names and they get married, can they go double barrel again? If a double barrel-er marries a double barrel-er, can you be a quad barrel-er? (genuine question).

It gets far too messy, if so!

does your wife get any say in this at all?

fleet

I really though Ireland was past this now? No?

Options:
1. If you want it take it.
2. If you don't then don't.

3. If you want to sit on the fence the either double barrel it, or
4. Both of you can change you surnames!

They are your only options I can see based on set theory.

Stone Deaf 4evr

Faith wrote: »

It's unconventional, but would he consider taking your name? Particularly if he has no relationship with his dad, he might not be too attached to his name.
.

The way of the world would see him laughed at by all his friends and possibly get grief from his own family. I wouldn't even suggest it. If you're not comfortable taking his name, why would you expt him to take yours.

You could always go double barrelled.

sara1

This post has been deleted.

ABajaninCork

I only use my married name here in Ireland as all the Irish bank a/c's; cards and lease are in joint names. I still use my maiden name at home.

pwurple

Stone Deaf 4evr wrote: »

The way of the world would see him laughed at by all his friends and possibly get grief from his own family. I wouldn't even suggest it. If you're not comfortable taking his name, why would you expt him to take yours.

You could always go double barrelled.

I have two friends who took their wives surnames. They are irish, but both live in the netherlands with dutch wives. They just found it easier to take a dutch name than try to get every dutch person to pronouce some very irish names. The children also have the dutch surname.

There was no laughing or grief involved. It's just practical.

Sligo1

My father was an only child and died when I was 17. And so far my brothers (10 years older than me) are not
Married with any kids. So no one to carry on the name so far... I feel my own surname is part of who I am and it keeps my dad close to me. It's my identity.

I got married last year. I have no intention of changing my surname for the reasons outlined above. and also because i dont particularly like my husbands surname if im completely honest. my husband couldn't give a toss either way... As long as he doesn't have to change his.

We have a son and a daughter on the way. We have registered our son with the 2 surnames. He can change it if he decides he only wants to take one and not two when he's older. And will do the same with our daughter. So far I am just keeping my own, however, when passports ect come to need changing I will put the 2 surnames on to have the same as our kids. But through common usage I will probably stay with my maiden name (definitely for work) or perhaps double barrel.

I don't actually know why so many people consider double-barrel names pretentious. I find that really strange. If they stopped to actually consider the real reasons behind double-barreling they may think twice and not be so judgemental. I actually find that mentality completely daft and it screams of insecurity in oneself.

CorkClaire82

My surname is double barrelled and it's a pain in the face, in restaurants, banks, bars etc peopke just refuse to say both names in my surname, so I'm definitely changing to my fiances surname when I get married next year. I don't think double barrelled is pretentious, just painful after dealing with it for 32 years.

Browny12

First time I'm listening such an issue. First thing, there is no need to change your surname, as you grew in your family, and your parents serve you, then there is no need to change it. And, if you think it's necessary, then I don't think it will be feel weird.

Sligo1

CorkClaire82 wrote: »

My surname is double barrelled and it's a pain in the face, in restaurants, banks, bars etc peopke just refuse to say both names in my surname, so I'm definitely changing to my fiances surname when I get married next year. I don't think double barrelled is pretentious, just painful after dealing with it for 32 years.

I agree with you here. That's the thing. It's one thing to say its a pain in the arse which I can totally understand. 2 names can be a mouthful! As I said... My kids can do what they want with the two names and just pick one if they want. But for someone to say its pretentious?? That's just daft IMHO.

Starbordsie

mistress_gi wrote: »

Also isn't it weird we all grew up with a name and now, all of a sudden, you have a whole different one? Also why do we (women) have to change our names?

It's a very old-fashioned idea, basically going back to the time when a wife was considered her husband's property. Which is a bit chilling, TBH. Shudder.

Starbordsie

Deleted User wrote: »

But I'd (I'm a man, by the way) be pretty stern on her taking my name.

Stern? Jaysus.

Deleted User wrote: »

Is it not all about just making things a little bit easier for the kids?

Not really, kids tend to be pretty easy going about what they've grown up with.

Vision of Disorder

Deleted User wrote: »

Maybe I'm not one to talk (as I'd never intend on getting married, or having kids if the situation arose).

If the situation isn't arising to your satisfaction there are pills you can take apparently.

Deleted User wrote: »

But I'd (I'm a man, by the way) be pretty stern on her taking my name.

Well obviously, I mean whoever heard of a stern woman... It's a pity you eh, 'never intend on getting married', with such a progressive mindset I'm sure you could have your pick of the breeding females.

Alan Shore

Mrs Shore did not change her name when we got married. She has her own career and is her own person. No need to change her name if she does not want to.

I imagine if I was "stern" on her taking my name we would not be married. Do men really care about this any more?

mistress_gi

Alan Shore wrote: »

Mrs Shore did not change her name when we got married. She has her own career and is her own person. No need to change her name if she does not want to.

I imagine if I was "stern" on her taking my name we would not be married. Do men really care about this any more?

Apparently they do! I aso find it pretty shocking about baptizing children without even believing in it. I am not religious but find the hyprocrizy of going through rituals just for the sake of it meaningless and offensive to those who are believers. I thought at this stage stages we should be free of this ritualistic nonsense

redbaron_99

Just keep your own name.... problem sorted.

Gatica

Never crossed my mind to change my name. My name is part of who I am and it would feel weird for me to change my name to something that doesn't really feel like it identifies me properly. I know OH would love it if I changed my name and took his.
I agree with Starbordsie, it comes down to the very sexist and somewhat misogynist notion of belonging. I am amazed this whole thing of women changing their name hasn't yet disappeared with the rest of sexist traditions/rules/laws/..., of women not being allowed to vote, to earn equal to men, etc... Someone proposes that a man changes his name to his wive's and all of a sudden there's mockery and shock thrown into the mix. The whole thing of Mrs. John Smith is also full of anti-feminist sentiment, and I dislike the Mrs./Miss titles and the connotation that people feel go with Ms - feminist lesbian who hates men. Anyway, this has gone way off topic now...

OP, I think advice to keep your name and reconsider it in the future is probably the most sound. Nothing wrong with double barrel either, but remember that if it's long, it's going to make it awkward with filling out forms, spelling it over the phone and having people dropping part of your name cos they can't be bothered to say/write the whole thing.

username123

I just go by both names.

My drivers licence, car tax, insurance etc is in my married name.

But my passport, which runs out this year, is getting renewed in my own name because I want to keep an official ID in my own name so that all my academic stuff (which I'm not finished with yet) stays in one name.

Informally I tend to use my married name.

I kind of like having 2 identities!

Calmsurrender

I'm doubled barrelled (long ... Long story) and I tend to use one or other depending on who I am talking to.
One of the names is foreign too so it makes it even more complicated , as soon as I say it I hear the other person thinking a "sigh".

TequilaMockingBird

You know your kids can have your name too, right?!

I equate taking a man's name as being branded. Much like a cow.

borderlinemeath

I'm going against the grain here but I'm engaged and when we marry I will be delighted to be a different name. I never liked my name when I was growing up, both my first name and surname are monosyllables and it just sounds horribly 'blunt'. My married name will be far softer sounding and I'll be far happier even saying my name to other people!

I completely get why you could be attached to your own name though, and if I was I would just keep it.