whats the funniest thing you ever heard??

shaneon77

I love and appreciate comedy. Laughter is the best medicine after all.
in 1986 the last person in our community got electricity in their little cottage. He was a man in his 70's called Pat Twomey and my dad gave him the nickname "socket" socket twomey. To this day, the funniest and cleverest thing i have ever heard.
anyone got anything similar?

The Master

I also enjoy copy-paste stories

Sir Arthur Daley

The Pokémon jokes always crack me up this is my favourite,
Why should you never tell your Pokémon when you’re taking a shower?
A: Because they might Pikachu.

shaneon77

The Master wrote: »

I also enjoy copy-paste stories

?? Eh, no sorry.

Chucken

Bit odd to give a 70 year old man a nick name

catallus

The best I've ever heard? Oh me, oh my wife! She was being shagged by another man! Where's me washboard?

drunkmonkey

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Stavros Murphy

I'm guessing the funnies are just gonna keep coming thick and fast. But mainly thick.

Panthro

Guy was walking out of class once, another guy yelled "Don't let the doorknob hit you where the good Lord split you!"
I lol'ed

Chucken

Panthro wrote: »

Guy was walking out of class once, another guy yelled "Don't let the doorknob hit you where the good Lord split you!"
I lol'ed

You laughed out louded?

uch

,

shopaholic01

Chucken wrote: »

You laughed out louded?

Obviously wasn't an English class.

.Henry Sellers.

Two cars stopped at a red traffic light, light goes green and the driver in front must of been daydreaming and didn't drive on, the driver behind him roars out his window
"it's not going to get any fcukin greener!!!"

I chuckled.

Panthro

Chucken wrote: »

You laughed out louded?

Sure did, then I ROFL'ed.
Which is not an easy thing to do I can tell ya.

uch

I heard a Nun Fart once

Stavros Murphy

Chucken wrote: »

You laughed out louded?

Now Chucky, behave. Just because you're feeling bitter and cynical today, no need to be snippish. This is the laugh a minute thread - Socket Twomey and all them lols.

Shane-KornSpace

Panthro wrote: »

Sure did, then I ROFL'ed.
Which is not an easy thing to do I can tell ya.

Try ROFLCOPTER-ing. Now that's tough,

Joe prim

Two chaps talking, one chap says to the other"look here, old chap, a chicken just crossed the road,why, in your opinion, did the chicken just cross the road?" Other chap replies, "Why, i would imagine he did so in order to get to the other side of the road, old sport" How I chortled!

shaneon77

Chucken wrote: »

Bit odd to give a 70 year old man a nick name

what about coffin dodger?

Chucken

Panthro wrote: »

Sure did, then I ROFL'ed.
Which is not an easy thing to do I can tell ya.

Panthro

uch wrote: »

I heard a Nun Fat once

What the fook was that like?!!!:pac:

Chucken

Stavros Murphy wrote: »

Now Chucky, behave. Just because you're feeling bitter and cynical today, no need to be snippish. This is the laugh a minute thread - Socket Twomey and all them lols.

Today???

Tell us a funny story there Murphy.

hfallada

That our government counts job bridge internships as jobs on the live register. Even through its not in any shape or form paid employment. It's just an unemployed person getting €50 more a week from the tax payer while taking a paid job away from someone else.

dxhound2005

hfallada wrote: »

That our government counts job bridge internships as jobs on the live register. Even through its not in any shape or form paid employment. It's just an unemployed person getting €50 more a week from the tax payer while taking a paid job away from someone else.

Well, at least you didn't mention Hitler or the Nazis.

uch

Panthro wrote: »

What the fook was that like?!!!:pac:

RFFFFAAAARRRPpp

The Diabolical Monocle

Mate told me about his mucker uncle, every time he'd fart in the car he'd roll down the window and say 'get out an walk'.



That one got me alright. Couldnt stop laughing.

Stavros Murphy

Chucken wrote: »

Today???

Tell us a funny story there Murphy.

You're bullying me!

No funnies here, though the lads were driving down from the north today and overtook a jeep - they then proceeded to give the jeep driver the whole "aaahhh-yoouu---aaahhh" moron thing out the window as the flew by...whereupon the jeep driver switched on his blues and twos, pulled them over and gave them a bollocking and a fine.. ok, not the funniest, but jasus, I laughed anyway. Some very quiet puppies arrived back in the yard. Immature Spanners.

Sir Arthur Daley

Did socket twomey drive a volts-wagon?

Chucken

Stavros Murphy wrote: »

You're bullying me!

No funnies here, though the lads were driving down from the north today and overtook a jeep - they then proceeded to give the jeep driver the whole "aaahhh-yoouu---aaahhh" moron thing out the window as the flew by...whereupon the jeep driver switched on his blues and twos, pulled them over and gave them a bollocking and a fine.. ok, not the funniest, but jasus, I laughed anyway. Some very quiet puppies arrived back in the yard. Immature Spanners.

You should've sacked em all for the laugh

Teyla Emmagan

Oh now I get it, this thread is about the shi1test jokes ever?

Stavros Murphy

Chucken wrote: »

You should've sacked em all for the laugh

naah, the driver has to pay the fine - it's in his name and he's morto, fairly peeved and a laughing stock for the next few days. That's enough I reckon. The passengers were just sheepish looking.. what spanner rags an unmarked cop-car while overtaking??

shaneon77

WikiHow wrote: »

Did socket twomey drive a volts-wagon?

no, he drove a hybrid..... Obviously

Sir Arthur Daley

shaneon77 wrote: »

no, he drove a hybrid..... Obviously

I heard he was good at gymnastics because he had double sockets in his legs.

This 'funny' thread is actually making me melancholy

fineso.mom

Would he be any relation to the guy with no arms and no legs who swam across the channel last year ? Willy Power was his name ?

For Forks Sake

This thread is giving me gout.

Ihatecuddles

I laughed so much when I heard this first!

What's the worst part about dreaming you're eating chocolate cake?



Waking up with a spoon in your bum.

Sir Arthur Daley

socket murphys favourite ice cream flavour was shock-o-lot.

stefan idiot jones

I overheard two women talking to each other one day.

I had to laugh.

They were both wrong.

derfderf

This is like watching Mrs Browns Boys.

StormWarrior

Not the funniest thing I ever heard, but made me laugh today. My friend wants a return ticket from Devon to London but was complaining that both the train and national express are far too expensive. I told her she should try Megabus, as their fares are extremely cheap. She had never heard of \megabus so I googled them to show her. I found an online article about how cheap their fares are and showed it to her. For some reason the article included a photo of a bus, on fire, with all its windows blown out. She said "so their fares are very cheap but the downside is that the bus is on fire?"

I am pie

It really is how they're told, and for funny incidents you generally did have to be there. It's hard to imagine the necessary build up of cathexis needed for explosive catharsis of genuine laughter reading about things after the fact.

The skill of a good comedian is creating that tension, exploring fear, doubt or at least confusion then demolishing it all quickly with a commonly understood reference to grant the audience their release.

eamonnq

derfderf wrote: »

This is like watching Mrs Browns Boys.

Tis not that bad!! yet!!

Birneybau

Was in the folks' last Sunday and they were watching Family Fortunes.

The question was Name something you pump up.

Some answers were paddling pool, mattress, football.

My 64 year old mother said, innocently, THE VOLUME.

Funniest thing I'd heard in yonks!

gw80

Out fishing one time got chatting to an oul lad, was asking about where to get permits for fishing that part of the river.

he told us about a local shop that does them and then proceeded to talk about the new polish girl that just started working there, some one asked "was she good looking" when out of nowhere old man said " ill put it this way, id crawl naked on me hands and knees over broken glass just to put matchsticks in her s%*t

Now I think it was more that we just werent expecting him to say that, that had me busting a gut laughting

burnhardlanger

The old skit on The Day Today with the re-animated corpse.

It had three programmed voices.

A generic one, A Martin Sheen one and Louis Armstrong.

"...Justice..."
Genius.

Sir Arthur Daley

This thread is electrifying.

Wacker The Attacker

uch wrote: »

,

hmmmm quite

LoganRice

Nothing

MS.ing

I once banged my elbow off something behind me

Push Pop

The fact that jobbridge are looking for a fully qualified solicitor to work practically for free. They would have to represent people in court! Talk about having to bend over and grab your ankles. It's hilarious because the powers that be think the people are stupid enough to accept this scheme as a solution.