Haven't been hugged

LegacyUser

Hi,

I don't know if this is the right place to post this so sorry if it's not!

I don't even know how to start this but here goes,

I'm an 18 year old lad who doesn't really go out drinking like everyone else because I don't like alcohol due to seeing its negative effects when growing up.

I know lads aren't supposed to talk like this (well not where I am from anyways) but sometimes I feel so lonely. I haven't been hugged by anyone since I was a small child and I feel like I am missing out on so much stuff that other people my age are doing because I don't go out and get drunk out of my mind.

I don't really have anybody to talk to bar a couple of friends from school but this isn't something I would talk about with them. I see so many of the people I grew up with starting their first proper relationships and here I am feeling lonely.

I am fairly quite but I can't help that. I grew up with someone who until recently severely abused alcohol and it has put me off it for life. It seems like EVERYTHING people I know do revolves around getting drunk and I just cant bring myself to do that.

Is there anything I can do to help make me more confident and finally start living my life as opposed to repeating each and every day the same as the last.

Thanks!

shnburn

i dont drink either go out and join a club i started playing airsoft few months ago great fun but it got me out mixing with more people sports clubs is a good way to get out an meet new people

Clandestine

Fair play to you for having some foresight... I am in college now and everything seems to be orientated around drinking/chasing girls.. things I am not particularly interested in. At the end of the day, people who won't respect you for not drinking aren't worth your time. People who respect your life choices/preferences are the type of people you want to focus your time on.

Irish society is a mess when it comes to alcohol, too much emphasis is placed on it. I personally think its a deep rooted cultural issue that no one wants to properly address... its a form of mindless hedonism.

hugged wrote: »

I know lads aren't supposed to talk like this (well not where I am from anyways) but sometimes I feel so lonely.

This is a sad aspect of the world we live in, the feelings of men seem to be pushed under the carpet. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, everyone gets lonely, some are better at hiding it than others. Do you have anyone to talk with about this?

hugged wrote: »

I feel like I am missing out on so much stuff that other people my age are doing because I don't go out and get drunk out of my mind.

You're not missing anything. Since starting college I have been to plenty of parties etc. All are the same in the end. The people drink for "fun" but the ride never ends. There will always be another night, there is no end goal. They do it because they are too lazy to find something proper to do with their time and instead blow their money in a need instant gratification+peer pressure they can't deal with. I know people who started abusing alcohol and drugs and who left my course early as a result.

hugged wrote: »

I see so many of the people I grew up with starting their first proper relationships and here I am feeling lonely.

You are young... there is plenty of time to search for a relationship. These people's relationships won't last as long as you'd think

hugged wrote: »

Is there anything I can do to help make me more confident and finally start living my life as opposed to repeating each and every day the same as the last.

1.You are already living your life. It has already started, do not tell yourself otherwise. This is something you have to internalise:
http://i.imgur.com/6x8ffFR.jpg
2. Confidence can be learned, but the best way is through trial and error. What I mean, is that you have to step outside your comfort zone, which I know is difficult. I can't cover my thoughts on it in this small space but here are some books to read which will help:
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Epicurus' writings
The Ego and its Own
3. You need to discover your passions. What do you enjoy doing? Writing? reading? Invest in something new... try going to the gym, joining a club, drawing etc.

I'm 17 and I completely understand how you feel.

I hate alcohol/drinking and never go out because I feel like I'd be a downer to everyone around me trying to have a good time. I feel like everything revolves around drinking and going out, and all regular conversations seem to swing back to a night out everyone had and how drunk they all were.

I know its hard now, but it won't be this way forever. You'll go to a college or start a job, move away, go to a bigger city. You'll make new friends and meet people who have the same interests as you or are at least willing to compromise on nights out versus nights in. You should do things you enjoy to make yourself happy for now and the wait for real friends will be more than worth it!

December2012

Have you ever spoken to somebody professionally about having to deal with the alcohol abuse?

It might be something worth looking into - maybe your college has a support service?

Separately to that aspect a lot of sports are focused on health and so you might find some others who don't drink.

If you can't find a college society you like, start one - chess, AV club, book club, whatever it is you like.

You could also check out the non drinkers forum on boards.

If you genuinely want to make friends, then I don't think you should look down on those who decide to drink - it's none of your business if you don't agree with it and they are not the person who you loved.

We all have the right to choose and the moral high ground that sometimes gets adopted by people with different choices is very off putting.

Dellnum

Here's a virtual hug OP. Don't feel so down. I have many days when I feel lonely too, we all have. At 18 you are only starting out on life. Don't compare yourself to others. You are unique. Your time will come. Until then just try and join as many groups/clubs as you can and you will eventually find the type of people you can relate to. It takes an effort but it can be done.

sopretty

I second all the advice you have been previously been given. Join clubs, participate in non-drink associated activities, meet people etc.

In terms of the lack of physical affection - I am sure you will give someone the best hugs ever very soon.

In the meantime, I'll just pass on a suggestion I was given for when I felt lonely - it was to 'tuck yourself into God's pocket at night'. I used to imagine myself curled up into a little ball safe and secure and minded.

((HUG))

LittleRose

Believe me that there is very little that is more attractive in a person than someone who knows who they are and what they like and don't like. You are already confident in your life choices by choosing not to drink - you have no idea how refreshing that is and if you stay on that track, you will attract the right people into your life. If you concentrate on what you like, what you are good at, what you find interesting, what challenges you - these are the things that will give you confidence. One thing leads to another.

In the meantime, smile at people, do random acts of kindness, compliment people if you find something you like about them. Engage with everyone you meet, even the person behind the shop counter. Walk around with your head held up and a bounce in your step if you can manage it - you'll be amazed the difference that these things alone will make.

You will NOT be lonely forever. Someday you will be all hugged out. Real hugs, not drunken, half-remembered, ten-a-penny ones. I'm excited for you - I think you're going to have a great life.

FouxDaFaFa

LittleRose wrote: »

Believe me that there is very little that is more attractive in a person than someone who knows who they are and what they like and don't like. You are already confident in your life choices by choosing not to drink - you have no idea how refreshing that is and if you stay on that track, you will attract the right people into your life. If you concentrate on what you like, what you are good at, what you find interesting, what challenges you - these are the things that will give you confidence. One thing leads to another.

Yes, 100%.

As for feeling lonely, it happens to the best of us.

I don't know where you are but have you heard of "Men's Sheds"? They're little centres dotted around the country where young and old men get together and hang out and work on projects together in an environment that doesn't involve alcohol. I know it's all men but I would say it would be a great place to make friends and would have the kind of people who are more understanding about you not drinking than college-age kids.

dubbie82

I do understand all to well where you come from. Fair play for staying off the alcohol. Although you might feel like you are on your own, I can ensure you are not. I am a bit older than you but went through a similar thing but to my luck substance abuse never played a part. I was 24 when I got my first hug.

You have to surround yourself with the right people. There is a meetup group called a sober slice of dublin or something like it. In fact the meetup groups are great fun and there must be something that you fancy doing and these groups don't resolve around drink. Also did you look up any clubs in your college maybe there is even a possibility to start your own thing.

Also do your friends now why you don't like to drink? Maybe explain it to them, they might understand you.

Oh and last, as a women, drunk college lads don't really impress us that much, so when the lads are busy drowning the pints you can just appear like the gallant knight in shining armour and get the girl!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the really good replies,

I suppose I will just have to wait. I hope to go to college next year and it's probably going to get even harder. I know I will never drink as I have been completely turned against it.

I don't live in Dublin but thanks for the suggestion.

I just hope it gets better soon because the thought of four years of college being the only person not drinking is horrible!

Thanks again!