Could positive options help me?

LegacyUser

I am 10 weeks pregnant & things are bad with my boyfriend. He rarely ever comes home anymore & stays with his friends & parents places a lot. He doesn't care if I'm sick, he expects dinner to be ready for him all the time regardless of how tired I am. I simply asked him for toast earlier as I have vomited a lot today & he got annoyed and went to a party and is ignoring me. I can look after myself I know, but I do so much for him! I'd love him to take care of me every now and again! I really feel as though he wants to leave me. He won't even tell his parents about the baby despite seeing them everyday! I know positive options is more for girls who consider adoption or abortion etc & neither of these are on my mind. I love this baby already & look at the scan everyday! I want my baby but I think he doesn't. I'm desperately lonely as my family don't live here. Could positive options help me or would their counselors only see me if I was in crisis about the pregnancy?
The pregnancy is not my problem, my boyfriend is!

miamee

Op I'm sure they will listen to you, have a look here : http://www.positiveoptions.ie/were-here-to-help-you/

If they are not best placed to help or advise you, they will know who can. Good luck

Tokyo

Hi OP,

Congratulations on your pregnancy

It's hard to say for sure without knowing how your boyfriend acted before you found out that you were pregnant, but it sounds to me form that you said that he is in complete denial over the whole thing. Hiding out in his friends house, staying over at his parents, and the big one, not even telling his parents that you are expecting a child even though you are ten weeks in?!

Like it or not he is going to have to face up to the fact that in less than seven months time, he is going to be a father, regardless of the circumstances of the relationship. His parents are going to be grandparents, and they deserve to know this too. I think that you need to sit down together and talk, and have a frank discussion about the fact that you are going to be parents, and that BOTH of your lives are about to change. And you need to set a date in the next few days where you both go to his parents house and tell them the news.

To answer your question in the title, Positive Options don't just provide information or abortion - they provide counselling services and support for anybody with a pregnancy woes, be it an unexpected pregnancy or whatever. Honestly, I think it might be a good idea for you both to talk to a counsellor - he may be in need of someone objective to talk to just as much as you are.

Finally, and most importantly, don't neglect yourself. You have a child to consider too. If your boyfriend isn't pulling his weight and continues down this path, I'd seek the help of his mother in helping take care of everything and helping you to prepare for the baby. She's family too now, bear that in mind, and would probably be horrified to find out that her son has been neglecting you like this.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, I'll contact them tomorrow.
Mike I agree with everything you said but he will not tell his parents yet. I've asked again & again because it's awkward for me lying to them. But I know he'll wait til the pregnancy is showing. He fathered a child while he was still at school but has never had a relationship with the kid. His parents financially support the mother and thats as far as it goes.
I thought my boyfriend would see this as a second chance, he's an adult with a job now! But I know he will hide this as long as he can. He's even made jokes about this baby not being his.
I'd love to tell his family but I understand its not my place. We've already had a huge fight about me relying on his family. My boyfriend accidentally took my keys a few weeks ago during the bad weather & went to a gig. He wouldn't leave the gig so i knocked into his brother's house. My bf didn't even come home that night so i do not regret going to his brother at all! But we had a huge fight after it because he said i humiliated him by going there. His brother & wife do not know I'm pregnant.
I could never tell my own parents that he's fathered a child he doesn't see, they'd be horrified! They think our relationship is great and are excited about the baby.
I feel so stupid because on the outside we look great, nice house, good jobs, long term relationship etc but since becoming pregnant we are like opposites. He probably won't come home tonight either, I so wish his mam knew! we share the same friends and he doesnt want them knowing yet so i feel very lonely. I only told one friend about the baby!

Tokyo

Hmm...

Your boyfriend has an established past of walking out on his responsibilities towards his child and the mother of his child - he's a working adult, yet his parents are paying towards raising his first child?! And at risk of being blunt, he sounds like quite the bully. He's cowing you into submission, alluding to not being the father of the child, intimidating you into not telling his parents anything... You're pregnant to an abusive partner, whether you realise it or not OP

As for it not being your place to tell his parents, that is not true. It sounds like he has had ample opportunity to tell them but is hiding it for as long as possible, but you need support now, not further down the line whenever he feels he can't hide it any longer. Call to his parents, tell them that you are pregnant and that he has been treating you the way you've described here. Either way, they have a right to know, and chances are they have seen it before with the mother of his first child. Hopefully they will be more supportive than he has been.

I would suggest calling Positive Options now more than ever for support. It sounds like you need it, and will continue to do so. Nobody should have to tolerate the way he is treating you, especially now that you are pregnant and have to think about the health of the child as well. I hate to say it, but the reality is, are you prepared for the possibility that you may be raising this child on your own?

LegacyUser

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. Just before I go off on one, is there any chance that he's 'not telling' until the 12 week scan has happened & is ok?

Regarding his existing child, he doesn't appear to be involved at all - but if I've got you right, he doesn't even bother having financial involvement & his parents pick up the pieces? That's rotten behaviour. Being nasty to his ex, his child, and taking advantage of his parents generosity. Horrible.

I'd think very carefully about whether you want to continue being involved with this guy tbh. He sounds like an immature man-child. He's not supporting you in your joint pregnancy - he's treating it like it's your problem! That is burying his head in the sand, and very mean to you.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing to his parents (yet). But I'd drop enough hints to let them figure it out! Maybe that's not a good approach - but they sound like such decent people, and I'd let things go another 4 weeks before I told them. If your boyfriend hasn't said it by then, I'd be very open about telling them.

Your boyfriend sounds like he's either in denial re your pregnancy, or else has been a selfish immature brat. That needs to be addressed OP. Are you sure that it's good for you - and more importantly, your child - to stay with this guy?

Neyite

Was this a planned pregnancy OP? Did you both decide to start a family or was it a surprise?

The reason I ask is that if it was a surprise pregnancy, then he may be thinking you did it deliberately, or were careless with contraception, hence the moods and bad treatment of you. That does not excuse his behaviour though. Contraception is a responsibility of both partners, and it was also up to him to take precautions if he really didnt want you both having a baby now.

However. There are a lot of red flags here. I think you have to assume that you are on your own with this baby, then if he does come around or improve, its a bonus. He treats you terribly, and shows worrying signs of abusive traits from what you describe. With partners such as those, emotional, financial and verbal abuse as well as physical abuse can get worse during pregnancy, since the focus is not on them anymore.

Please talk to your midwife about this, or contact someone local to you in Women's aid Protect your baby and yourself.

sadie06

OP, my heart really goes out to you, as I know how fragile a woman feels in that first trimester of a first pregnancy. It's an overwhelming time, and you deserve looking after!

Many people don't reveal their pregnancy until they are twelve weeks, so I would tell him in matter of fact terms that you are going public with your news then. That gives him a couple of weeks to man the hell up and get on with it.

Aside from the pregnancy issue, you need to ask yourself some tough questions. Do you want to raise a child with somebody that doesn't bother coming home when he knows you have no keys? He felt humiliated when you stayed with his family that night as his selfishness was exposed. You need to look ahead and honestly assess the chances of his behaviour improving.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You are performing a tiny miracle as we speak. My eyes welled up when you said you love this baby already.

Ann84

Hi OP,
Congrats on the pregnancy firstly!
Your post sounds eerily familiar to me, and it didn't end well. This behaviour continued until our child was 5 and I literally was loosing my mind and left him!
My only regret is I didn't do it much sooner, like you I kept saying things like... 'but I do so much for him' expecting him to treat me the same and hoping one day he would wake up and realise how lucky he was etc, it was draining trying to make him happy!! The reality was nothing I did would make him happy because he didnt want to be with me, and it turns out I didn't want to be with him either!!

You need to focus on what you want, you know you want the baby, but you don't have to stay with him! He is treating you really badly but your putting up with it which is worse. Kick him out of the house, tell whoever YOU like your pregnant and start getting the positive help and support you should be getting from YOUR friends and family, leave him sort out his side!
Whats better than being pregnant and with a s**t partner?! Being pregnant and on your own and I mean that.

If he loves you, he will sort himself out and come back to you, if not it's absolutely no loss of yours. You should ve focusing your energy on you and the baby and if he doesnt want to support you, you can't force him, but you don't have to put up with it either!

Best of luck, I urge you to talk to your family and friends about the real situation. I covered everything up for years and it made me so miserable but when I finally did tell people what was really going on I got so much support to break out of what was a very toxic relationship and I wouldn't look back!

Ps- the staying out all night, the humiliation your apparently causing him, the not telling people and telling you not to tell people and the fact that you can't talk to him, or more that he doesn't listen to you or respect you are all very bad signs, it's bullying and not normal behaviour from a bf, this is a fact.

Merkin

Congratulations on your baby and I hope the sickness doesn't go on for too long. It's a good healthy sign so it sounds like the pregnancy is progressing as it should. I can't stress enough how important it is to make life as easy as possible for yourself during pregnancy however - happy Mummy, happy Baby. Stress and anxiety is not good for your health.

I really think you're on your own with this OP and for that reason I'd stop complying with his demands of secrecy, protecting him and get on with garnering as much support as possible - because you need it. I'd tell your family and friends and I'd tell them the truth - you said your parents would be horrified but the longer you lie for him the longer you won't be getting the level of support you need. I see no reason to keep this a secret from his parents either, wait until 12 weeks by all means but you need all the support you can get right now and that's not going to be forthcoming from your partner. To all intents and purposes it sounds like he doesn't intend on sticking around so you will need that network around you.

ABajaninCork

OP. The mere fact that he's staying out all night should be telling you something.

I'd be kicking his arse out of the house, and changing the locks. Number One. Number Two - When you next go for your check-up, I'd also be asking to be tested for STD's. Your health and that of your baby are paramount.

Wait until you have your 12 week scan. THEN I'd be telling his parents they're having another grandbaby quick smart!! Lean on as many friends, family and yes- even us here on Boards if you like for support. Poor love, you're going to need it.

Many congrats on your new baby. Look after yourself and the baba. Sod him. You don't need him.