I think guy dislikes me, beginning to get under my skin?

LegacyUser

This could be all in my head, overthinking this, but I need advice just in case it does become worse.
Thing is ever since last year, a guy in my college class has taken a disliking to me after a group project that we were both involved in. I am not great in groups, unless I know and feel comfortable in them, because of my social anxiety and I was put in with a group of guys I never spoken to yet, so I felt so uncomfortable and found it really hard to take part, especially when the guys knew each other and didnt really speak to me much because I think they found me awkward or just plain weird.
Anyway, it was alright for a while, with one or two disagreements (especially due to me and not "contributing" and not understanding some things) but I thought afterwards it would just go back to normal, with them doing their thing and me doing mine, just not speaking again like before.

But one of the guys seem to make it obvious (if I have it right) that he takes a disliking to me, I think, and it particulary began to show after the midterm break. When I came in to class one time, he actually tutted when he saw me. One time we were put into class groups for class work, him and me were in seperate ones, and when one of the girls were asking me about my weekend, I noticed from the corner of my eye that he turn his head slightly to listen.

Also this one time in a different class, we were in groups again for just class work, but I was not contributing much because it was my time of the month so I felt really sad and tired, and again uncomforatable with people I did not know too well. I just took a quick glance and noticed how, in his group, he was telling this girl something, looking annoyed, and the girl happened to have been staring at me at the same time too during the conversation.

Same thing happened when I was in a class and one of my other classmates were at my desk, asking me about homework. It was only when she went to her own desk that i noticed he was looking at us, and he turn his head quickly when he realised I caught him.

With all this odd behavouir, Ive been able to ignore it,
at the time it did not effect me, because I grew a thick skin from school, but after today after hearing sniggering and sighing when I came in the room, coming from hima nd his mate, I realised now that I am getting to me and it might not be even directed to me for all I know.

Its just that I never noticed this type of attention from him before, and I have always noticed that in major group work, I always seem to piss someone off coz of my awkwardness. Also I did not think he would care so much, I woudl get annoyed withs ome people in groups too, but I dont make a big deal about it, I just get over it and move on.

I am just terrified that if this is actually real and not me overthinking it, I could become depressed again and not be able to pass my exams. I was bullied a bit in school for being quiet, to a point where I was paranoid thinking people were talking about me behind my back and it ruined my life during that time, so i think this is why this is happening again, I am overthinking something that might blow over soon.

I just need advice on something, is this normal behaviour for a student to have if you dont like a group member because of their work? Also how can I try to not let this effect me again, because it is beginning to get to me again, because I spent half the evening writing this.

Merkin

OK, I am not underestimating the power of how you feel or the way you perceive you are being treated, but really and truly, people do not pay you as much attention as you think they are. Honestly.

You seem to be of the opinion that these people are talking about you or sniggering or using the example of the guy turning his head slightly when you were talking about your weekend.....I think you are WAY over analyzing the situation. People are normally wayyyy too consumed with themselves to pay that amount of notice to others.

Have you ever heard of the psychological term "spotlight effect"? It is defined as the following:

The spotlight effect is a common form of social anxiety that causes people to have a tendency to overestimate the extent to which surrounding others notice aspects of one's appearance or behavior, and the extent to which they are aware of it. The spotlight effect can lead people to feelings of paranoia and self-doubt. This also makes people believe that they will be judged harshly based on their failures. Overall, the spotlight effect explains how people overestimate the amount of attention that is focused on them in group settings

Do you attend counselling for your social anxiety? If not, I think maybe a couple of sessions would really help you overcome this so perhaps look at making an appointment.

FollatonWood

Lets say he doesn't like you. So what?

Here's the thing OP, not everyone will like you, but it doesn't mean you have to care either way. I know that's easier said than done, but honestly -try not to concern yourself with anyone elses opinion of you apart from your own, and you'll be alot happier.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

The spotlight effect is a common form of social anxiety that causes people to have a tendency to overestimate the extent to which surrounding others notice aspects of one's appearance or behavior, and the extent to which they are aware of it. The spotlight effect can lead people to feelings of paranoia and self-doubt. This also makes people believe that they will be judged harshly based on their failures. Overall, the spotlight effect explains how people overestimate the amount of attention that is focused on them in group settings

Do you attend counselling for your social anxiety? If not, I think maybe a couple of sessions would really help you overcome this so perhaps look at making an appointment.

The spotlight effect! Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention, because I do realise that the world obviously does not revolve around me but I could not for the life of me shake of this feelings of doubt and paranoia. I used to think I was the only person who felt like this, and wondered what was wrong with me, so the "spotlight effect" has made me understand it so much more, thank you.

I think the other two posters hit the nail on the head.

Never mind IF he doesn't like you (because it is only an 'if'), that's his loss, and he's not an important person in your life so he's free to think whatever he wants and you shouldn't have to worry about it. EVERYONE is disliked by someone.

The real problem is your social anxiety, and if you don't mind me saying, the addition of a negative attitude to that anxiety. You've jumped from a guy possibly not liking you to the thought of failing your exams due to depression. That's a self fulfilling prophecy if ever I heard one. The more you worry about this, the more likely you are to cause it to happen. The same goes for the spotlight effect. I used to be very socially anxious. Someone would sit down beside me and suddenly my heart would race, and I'd be convinced that they would notice, so I'd start trying to breathe slower, causing me to struggle to breathe properly, causing me to blush, causing me to get more embarrassed, and so on in a vicious circle until I was a bag of nerves. In a situation like that you're your own worst enemy.

You belong in that classroom with those people. If it so happens that one guy doesn't like you then that's just fine because it doesn't change the fact that you should feel comfortable in that room. You're there to study, you've had no problems with anyone else, and that guy means nothing. No one is looking, and if they are looking, who cares. Ignore it, or at least try to ignore it until it becomes easier. There's no point in anyone here telling you they think he doesn't dislike you, because even if he doesn't, someone probably does somewhere and it's a fact of life that you need to come to terms with. It's not nice to think about, but it's true. I hope I'm not being too harsh!

sopretty

You mention a couple of times in your OP that you have other people chatting openly to you and coming over to your desk so clearly there isn't a damned thing wrong with you my dear! What one person might think of you, is irrelevant. Look at the amount who are happy to chat and engage with you and ask you about homework etc.
Whatever someone thinks of me, is none of my business! I dislike some people, who other people believe are the bees knees. Likewise, I like people who other people don't like at all.
Focus on the people who DO engage with you, not on some randomer.

LegacyUser

To go somewhat against the grain, I can understand why someone would be not happy if they felt that you weren't contributing to the group project. As I see it, you need to make sure that if you aren't contributing to discussions, you make up for it in other ways such as research and preparing content for the group.

In my experience, no one really cares whether one person is better at presenting / leading / group discussions - but people get very fed up if they perceive that a group member is not pulling their weight. Your anxiety isn't his problem - and you don't know what problems he may be trying to cope with in his life. As long as you pull your weight in the group project in other ways, then there shouldn't be a problem. If there is, then he Is being unreasonable.

LegacyUser

Jutlh wrote: »

To go somewhat against the grain, I can understand why someone would be not happy if they felt that you weren't contributing to the group project. As I see it, you need to make sure that if you aren't contributing to discussions, you make up for it in other ways such as research and preparing content for the group.

I agree. I'm assuming he doesn't know that you have social anxiety (I have it myself and don't tell people regularly, unless I know them well and they want me to do something I'm 100% not comfortable with). All he probably sees is somebody who isn't contributing to the work.

I haven't done any group work in college, but in school everybody would often be annoyed if a member of the group who was usually outgoing, outspoken or just not shy didn't contribute and tried to avoid participating.

On the other hand, if myself and my friends knew that the person was shy in general (didn't usually speak up in class unless asked to, didn't really talk to others unless spoken to out of shyness), myself and the other members of the group would make a sort-of exception. We would encourage them to participate (asking how they felt about decisions being made, asking for other ideas) and designate jobs to make sure everybody participated and nobody was left bored or feeling useless/not needed just because they didn't speak up earlier on.

I don't know which you are, but seeing as you don't really know him he was probably just annoyed because he felt you weren't pulling your weight in the group.