Family/OH trouble

LegacyUser

I'm having a bit of trouble in my relationship at the moment, I'd like yere input. Basically, myself and the OH's family have had a bit of a falling out the past few weeks.

This is spinning back to the end of December. A girl that I was close to, took her own life. This also happened to be the day when my OH received good new about a recent job interview he had attended. Admittedly, I may have not been in a good emotional state, but I did say something along the lines of "I don't care about your new job". Admittedly again, I did not want to hear good news. I just wanted his support. We ended up having a row, and he actually forgot that my friend took her own life that morning, and yes, he did admit to forgetting.
Anyway, fast forward to that night, when he chooses to ignore me and not see me, refuse to speak to me, and told his family exactly what had happened, involving the fight. They sided with him, that I was way out of order, for not congratulating him. What he failed to include to tell his family is that that morning, my friend was gone. Of course, I'm not blaming my behaviour on this, but I was understandably upset.
We did make up the next day, both apologised, he did admit that maybe he was a little bit insensitive, but we went on as normal, he supported me.

Fast forward to the past few weeks - his family have been very cold towards me For one instance, my OH's family planned a dinner for celebrating his birthday, the siblings OH was invited too, not me. I did question this, and he replied "Oh, I'm sure it'd be okay if you came along", but I felt a bit left out that even the siblings OH were invited, before me. Another instance, his sister has been insulting my weight, even though I'm a healthy eight stone. he has openly told me that myself and my OH should break up. Again, my OH doesn't see anything wrong with this.

Just as a BTW, all of this started when my friend took her own life, and that job success. Before this, we got on fine.

This problem has come up before, I feel very uncomfortable when the OH tells his family of all the arguments that we have. I told him that I didn't like this, but he said as long as he lives under his parents roof, it's their business. I do think that in the instance of the job interview, words were twisted to his liking.

Which brings me to my conclusion - I would be absolutely horrified if my parents reacted this way towards my OH. I think it is important to get along with the other half's family - I feel uncomfortable being in their home now. I know I must speak with the other half about this, but he is the sort of guy that will defend his parents, even though he knows he is in the wrong. Again, I'm not sure if this relationship can continue this way.

strandroad

If you are upset when he tells stories to rile his family up now, wait until you're married with children... It will be a nightmare! You are right to act now.

Tokyo

OP,

first, let me say that I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

Regarding your partner's family, if I'm to be honest, I'd be less inclined to blame his family for now, and would be leaning more towards asking your partner how exactly he spun the story to them about your reaction to his job interview in the first place.

Just from reading your description of how things transpired - "he chooses to ignore me and not see me, refuse to speak to me, and told his family exactly what had happened, involving the fight. They sided with him, that I was way out of order, for not congratulating him. What he failed to include to tell his family is that that morning, my friend was gone." In other words, he painted you as being a complete bitch, while not including the minor detail that your friend took her own life that very day.... but it's okay because he admitted that "maybe he was a little bit insensitive..."

Considering that they were perfectly happy to have you in his life up until that day, I seriously doubt if they still have any idea of the actual circumstances of what happened, and would probably be quite shocked/ashamed if they knew the actual truth. Your behaviour may not have been an appropriate response to his good news, for sure, but considering what you had just dealt with regarding your friend, it is perfectly understandable, and to be blunt, your boyfriend is a dick to have used it to play the "woe is me" card to his family.

Your OH's family don't need to be defended, they are reacting pretty naturally to the stories that your boyfriend is spinning. The fact that he has a history of telling his family of "all the arguments that [you] have" seems to indicate that he does this quite a bit, the cherry on top being the day of your friend's death.

This is the point where I usually say that you should sit down with your boyfriend and talk about your issues in the relationship. But OP, you have a boyfriend that deliberately gets his family to dislike you so that he can look better. Is this really the kind of relationship that you want to be in????

dixiefly

I would find it very hard to remain in that relationship based on the account described here.

deisemum

I agree with the previous advice. I couldn't be with someone who had no respect for our relationship nor could I trust that our private business was being carried and shared with family.

It's not his family's fault to suddenly change how they're treating you, he must have really done a hatchet job on you.

its actually NOT his families business about your private relationship just because he is living at home!!

seriously, this is all your boyfriends fault. he bad mouthed you to his whole family and allowed them to have a bad opinion of you. even in ordinary circumstances this is bad but given the fact that your friend had died( no matter what circumstances) that very day! he really should have been more thoughtful.

i seriously hope that ye are not even in your 20's yet, if ye are , i would walk away.
take this as a future look into what will come

MagicMarker

OP, your BF is a coward. Get rid of him.

December2012

He sounds like a spoiled brat who loves to be the centre if drama and attention.

He gets annoyed about the job congratulations, he tells his family about your fights, doesn't include you in his family birthday plans, doesn't pull the sister up..... Etc

Walk away OP, he's firmly under a purported family thumb .

Stavro Mueller

DoYouKnow WhatToDo wrote: »

This problem has come up before, I feel very uncomfortable when the OH tells his family of all the arguments that we have. I told him that I didn't like this, but he said as long as he lives under his parents roof, it's their business. I do think that in the instance of the job interview, words were twisted to his liking.

What age are ye anyway??? I'm gobsmacked. This is wrong on so many levels. It's bad enough that he's telling his family your private business. Ten times worse is his refusal to respect your wishes or consider that maybe it's not a good idea. What you want to do about it now is your decision - for me it'd sour things so badly I'd walk.

dudara

It sounds as if your boyfriend has no understanding of boundaries. Your private relationship should not be treated like a soap opera and shared with his family.

Big Bag of Chips

The thing here is, he is not telling your personal business. If he was, the first thing he would have told them that day was that your friend has taken her own life and you were distraught.

He is telling them what suits him and it suits him to have his family think badly of you... Why? I have no idea! He has no respect for you at all. My husband can sometimes upset me with things he might do/say. I have never, ever, not once gone back to my family and given out about him. Not once.

For 2 reasons...
1 - it's none of their business.
2 - when you involve family, it is very difficult to "uninvolve" them. If my parents thought my husband was being unreasonable with their daughter (most adult relationship will go through patches of one or other being unreasonable!) then their opinion of him would change. And long after we had kissed and made up, and moved on from whatever minor thing it was, my parents/family would STILL think... "Well he did that/said that one time" and it wouldn't be forgotten.

You're not in a good relationship. Your bf is too selfish and focused on himself to make your relationship good for you. Unless he changes, nothing will change... And people rarely change personality like that! He might grow up and mature a bit. But for now, he hasn't a clue.

MJ23

He's a gutless wimp.
Reporting everything to mammy.
Just out of interest, what age is this lad?

Get rid.