Depressed Spouse

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start.

Husband is depressed, has been for a while. Chopped and changed medications from GP for about 6 months, maybe longer. Would go on and off them like a yo-yo, against GP's advice, and mine. Finally he hit bottom over Christmas and agreed to stay on his meds and see a counsellor.

Two and a half weeks ago I was at the end of my tether with all of this and couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel - started talking to him about how bad things were between us. Ended with him saying he wanted a divorce and moving out the following day. After more talking he says he wants to try fix things between us but he needs to fix himself first. Fair enough I hear you say, and I agree...to a point. At the moment he is living elsewhere, is quite affectionate and caring when we text and is a sullen prick most of the time when we see each other. It is totally mixed messages, I don't know up from down right now and whilst a few days ago he wanted us to fix things and maybe try couples counselling in a few weeks last night I was informed that he's still trying to decide if this is all my fault, if being with me is making him depressed (I might add here that this is not his first depressive episode, there have been others in the six years we've been together but this is the most major. He also suffered milder depressive episodes that pre-date our relationship so my "causing" this is a load of crap. Sure, I'm certain there are things that I have probably done that haven't HELPED like I hoped they would, but I cannot cause a chemical imbalance in his brain, no matter how much he'd like to lay the blame at my feet this week).

He refuses to involve me in his treatment/recovery in any way. I am seeing a counsellor myself to try and cope with all of this but it's hard to just function day-to-day when I don't know which him it is that I'll be speaking to. Was very nasty in conversation with me last night (well, I say conversation, it's 75% me talking, 15% silence waiting for a response, and 10% "I don't know", "I need to be alone", "I don't know what I want") yet then followed me out to my car and was hugging me and apologising for upsetting me and for being like this. Quick text conversation afterwards that was bordering on friendly and promising to call over today...total radio silence today except for a one word reply when I sent a text to let him know some (potentially important) post had arrived for him.

I am so damn sick of this illness and what it has done to the lovely, kind, witty man that I fell in love with. I don't know what advice I'm looking for, maybe just someone who can say "Yes, I've been here, and there is an end to all of this". I cannot bear the thought of losing my best friend to this disease, and if this splits up our relationship, for my own sake, I know I will have to walk away from the decade and a half of friendship that we've had as well.

I am just so sad today.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I'm not going to pretend to understand what it is like to have to live with a depressed partner, but have you considered contacting Aware? They run support groups across the country, and it's not just for the person suffering from depression. Many of these groups meetings are organised for the families of people suffering from depression, to give them a forum to say how it's affecting them too, and to talk with other families that are going through the same thing. It may help you to know that you are not alone in this - that there are people out there going through the same thing, and most importantly, people out there that have gotten through the dark times and out the other side.

LegacyUser

I was looking at Aware's site the night before last alright. I'm hoping that my counsellor will be enough, part of me feels like I have no right to go to a group thing as his wife dealing with his depression when I don't even know if we'll still be married by the end of this. I might talk it over with my own counsellor and see what they have to say about it.
Thanks.

Tokyo

In my humble opinion, support groups such as this are specifically for people who have to live with a depressed person on a regular basis - and the label attached to that person is irrelevant. Brother, sister, father, mother, partner, good friend, it doesn't matter. They are there to help, and it would be a shame if you didn't contact them with the misguided impression that you don't have "the right" to be there.

I haven't had cause to attend such a meeting myself, but I know people who have, and they all say that it helped them feel far less alone in facing the day to day problems that depression within the family brings.

Oryx

This is not your fault. Never, ever let that thought take root in your brain, even a little bit. This is his illness, you are just an unfortunate spectator.

Do not take on his recovery as your responsibility. As his illness is his own, so is his recovery. He needs to find his own way out of this, harsh as that may seem. That does not mean you are cruel or distant, but you need to be a support in a way that does not drain you. That means you don't take the blame, and you do only as much as you are willing to do. In his current state he will use you as a prop, someone to both console him and to blame for all this. You are his partner, not his therapist, and trust me, trying to be his counsellor is not a good idea - if he had a broken ankle he wouldn't expect you to fix it, so why should you fix his 'broken' head!

And remind yourself that the person he is now is not really him, it is his illness talking. Trust that he will come out of it, and dont get disheartened. Having been on both sides of the depression thing, I think that living with a depressed person is sometimes almost as hard, if not harder, than the illness itself, because it seems so unfair to bear the brunt of someone elses low mood all the time.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm on the opposite side to your situation, I'm a wife who has suffered from fairly serious depression on and off for ten years and am now battling with what looks like antenatal depression while I'm pregnant with our first baby.

There are days and weeks when I don't know how my husband puts up with me, I lash out at him, I am irritable, I can be mean and say awful things, and yet at the same time even when I'm doing it I know it's horrible and he'd have every right to walk away from me without hesitation. But he knows that at the core of my behaviour is confusion and despair at the pain in my own head, he never justifies what I do and he (quite rightly) expects an apology for my behaviour, but he understands why it happens. This, I imagine, is one of the hardest things for a partner to have to do, but it's something I am immensely grateful for. There are days when I'm at my lowest when I too want to leave him, but I know that I married him for a reason and during those low periods I have to try and hang on to that thought, even when I don't believe it.

It's taken a lot of hard work - and my illness will continue to challenge us in the future - but communication has been key to keep us going so far. It's bloody hard, I won't lie, and sometimes that communication can involve some pretty harsh feelings and words on both sides, but when we got married we pledged sickness and health and everything in between.

You have EVERY right to go to a meeting with your husband if he's agreeable to it, while he may the one with the diagnosis, you're his partner and it affects you daily. For me personally it would be a real show of support if my partner were willing to do this. We've had counselling to help us cope with my illness, a large part of it was my husband understanding that he can't and won't fix me, but being an active listening (even when the things he heard were hard going) was the best way to support me.

The changing behaviour that you describe is, in my experience, very commonplace for people with depression, and for me it's reflective of the constant battle going on inside our own heads. There are days when I feel so much pain I can't stand to bear my own company, so the thought of burdening myself on anyone, least of all my husband, seems abhorrent to me. When I push him away it's to save him, not hurt him.

I am so so sorry that you and your husband are experiencing this illness, it can be so destructive and lonely for all involved. I can say "Yes I've been there" but I can't promise it will go away. I can promise though that it doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship, if anything it has brought my husband and I closer and we know that if we can get through these episodes, we can pretty much manage anything. It makes the good days even better too, and that's priceless.

Merkin

As it stands you really are an emotional punchbag for your husband and you are probably suffering from his mood swings as much, if not more, than he is.

Please consider Aware. You don't have to attend a meeting at this juncture. Why not register with the site, there is a forum there for the loved ones of people with depression so you will have a lot of support and a lot of people who have been in the same boat.

Bear in mind that a huge proportion of marriages that involve a bipolar partner end in divorce so feeling that you're somehow "cheating" because you are estranged and may not potentially be getting back together is not going to raise any eyebrows - this level of depression is bound to rock the strongest of marriages.

Start off with looking at some online support so you can ask the community about the nature of meetings and then take it from there.

I really hope this works out well for you, it must be a heartbreaking position to be in x

December2012

Hi OP,

I rang aware as a loved one was recovering from a suicide attempt. I rang to look for advice for the other person. The woman on the end of the phone completely (pleasantly) sideswiped me by asking me how I was.

That I had been through a terrible experience.
That it was very sad for me.
She was completely supportive of me while we were all tiptoeing around the suicidal.

You know how hard it is to get understanding for the person who has the mental health issues? Well in my opinion it's harder to get understanding for those who love the person with mental health problems.

We are expected by the sick person and by others to be the strong leaders.

The comments of "it might be your fault I'm depressed" struck a chord with me. It took me a long time and lots of soul searching to realise that was impossible.

But sick people sometimes will blame others and lash out because sometimes having depression or anxiety doesn't really make sense if you can't identify and recognise a "cause".

It's a great idea to see your counsellor.

But remember that Aware are always there to listen and acknowledge your pain too.

LegacyUser

Well, we met up this evening and it was like I had a stranger in the house again. Told me there's no way he'll agree to couples counselling (in conjunction with our separate counselling sessions) and that he's made his decision, that there's no way he can see us fixing this and that he'd rather leave now and regret leaving than stay and regret staying. Apparently no one knows the real him and he's an angry, bitter, horrible person (his words, not mine).
I asked him several times to reconsider this decision, I pointed out that his depression can and will cloud his ability to make healthy choices for himself but he was adamant, he's done with our relationship, our marriage is over for him.
What more could I say to that? I can't force him to be with me so I asked him to leave his key and not contact me for a while. I am, as posted above, an emotional punchbag at this stage and I need to salvage any self-respect I have left and look after myself now. He refuses my support, he refuses my love, and he refuses to admit there was ever anything between us that was good or real.
I tried to draw a line, tell him there was no coming back from this but he says it's what he wants so what more can I do? All I can hope is that he'll somehow find the happiness in himself that he couldn't find with me and I will hold my head up knowing that I gave EVERYTHING I had to try and make this work. I just wish that it could have been enough for him.

Sugar Drunk

Hi OP, I was in two minds about whether I should reply to your post as this is still all so raw for me but I figured if it helps you at all its worth it. I posted here last week with something v similar, depressed husband who refused to seek help and couldn't shake it off. I heard and felt so many of the similar things that you did - about how he wasnt happy, that he is really a horrible person, rejection of support and physical contact. He was sullen as hell to talk to and his tone was flat, he felt that being with me was making him depressed that he needed to be on his own, have his own life etc. Like you I was on the end of mixed signals, being hugged and him repeatedly saying 'im sorry' as he packed a bag and left. He even rang me the other day to ask the stupidest question on the planet - was I ok?!

I'm telling you this OP as I spent the past week thinking of this all over in my head. I blamed myself many times as I am sure you will to. I asked myself what I did wrong / could have done better. I mourned the loss of my best friend of ten years. However I also learned a lot. I learned that the friends and family i pushed away hadn;t forgotten me. I learned that I am stronger than I realised. I realised that its easier to breath now that I am not constantly worried about the happieness of someone else and the impact i might be having on it. I met some friends last night who told me how they had been so worried about me this past while as I was no longer myself. All that time I was worried sick about him, they were worried about me.

The people on this boards were a huge help too as they made me realise you simply cant blame yourself and gave me resources such as the aware website that were an eye opener. Please OP keep yourself busy and surrounded by friends its the only way I got through this week. You will underestimate how many people care for you and if you can be brave enough to reach out and tell them what has happened not only will it be a weight off your shoulders but you will be able to talk it through, to distract yourself and to remember what you loved and did when you were not worn down by this. Depression is a disease, an awful debilitating disease and I honestly believe it hits men the worst as they are often too proud to seek help. I didnt recognise my other half when he left and that scared me he did not look like himself at all. I can only hope he seeks out the help he needs or that he comes through this himself. I can;t fix this for him but I can't let him drag me down with him either.

LegacyUser

Sugar Drunk & depressedwifehere - thank you both for sharing your stories/experiences.

I'm actually surprised by how okay I am right now. I got a decent enough nights sleep last night for the first time in I don't know how long, I was able to wake up and not be wondering if I'd hear from him today or how he'd be or have to plan out the next conversation to make sure I didn't say anything that would upset/anger/overwhelm him. I know that there'll be hard days to come but the past fews weeks of having him in constant contact and telling me how much he missed me/still cared/wanted to work this out but couldn't etc were actually so much harder than this in a way as I was spinning in the wind for so long and now he's made his decision and I have a blank slate, a starting point so to speak. Things have been so bad that I can only go up from here.

I am sad that I can't be here for my friend, I am sad that I have lost my husband to this monster of an illness, and I really hoped that we could be one of those couples who could come through this and be stronger on the other side but I have done everything I could and now it's my turn to look after myself. Maybe in the future I can find a way to be friends with him again, today I am simply working on forgiving him, and myself, and I think that'll be a good start.

Sugar Drunk - I too have had friends and family expressing concern for me for the last few months, and especially in the last few weeks/days - it's amazing how hard it is to understand that people still care when the one person you expect to care for you can't. I am lucky to have their love and support, I hope that there's someone doing the same for him too, and that he'll allow them.

FollatonWood

Hi OP.

I have been in both your situation and his, and I can completely empathise with what you're going through. I'm not sure anything I have to say will help much, but maybe it'll help a little

When I was in your situation, I was with someone who was seriously depressed and suicidal and who refused to confide in anyone apart from me. Throughout that time, all I wanted was for him to get better. My whole life revolved around that. As time went on, he got so anxious he couldn't even handle me staying the night and the physical side of things completely stopped about 6months into the relationship. Over the next few months, it got to the point where getting a text from him was enough to make me happy. I knew logically that he was ill, but it was very hard not to take it personally when he'd refuse to see me or take my calls for days on end only to call me and tell me he wanted to die. I spent so many nights trying to talk him out of killing himself, trying to make him see how much he had to live for and how much I loved him.

So I do get it and my heart does go out to you.

However, I have to show you the other side of it too. I was diagnosed with PTSD 2 years ago and serious depression is part and parcel of that. I know now what he went through and I can see how it was absolutely nothing to do with me. So please believe me when I tell you this. It's not your fault - none of it. I have a best friend I haven't seen in over 2 years now and it's not because I don't care about her or she's done anything wrong, it's because I rarely want to see anyone. I have other friends I don't see as often and again it's not because of them. It's just how I deal with things.

When you're in that dark, dark place - it just takes all of your energy to survive, and when it comes to relationships sometimes you just have nothing left to give. I know that you think if he cared, if he really cared, then he would think of what you're going through. But I assure you he does and he feels even worse for it, but that won't change or fix anything - it's just not that easy.

You can support him, you can help him and you can love him - but he has to do this on this own. His first responsibility is to himself as yours is to you, and if you feel it's too much then you're doing nothing wrong by walking away. And this is coming from someone who's been walked away from.

With all of that in mind, I do truely believe that love is the most powerful healing tool of all and if you feel you can stick by him and if he feels he can let you in even a little - then maybe you can get through this together.

As an aside, the guy I referred to is doing amazing now. We're no longer together but a while after we broke up I went through a horrible experience and he was there for me like I was for him. The world works in strange ways and I assure you that none of what you're going through will be for nothing.

Thinking of you.

oscar_mike

Hi OP, Have lived with a depressed person/alcoholic for a number of years now. And in that time i have come to the conclusion that "its an illness" is utter rubbish. To me its a pathetic excuse and political correctness gone mad. I firmly believe the affected person can also be just an awkward, childish fu*ker! And i dont come to that conclusion easily. Like yourself, my family and i bent over backwards to love and support and still ended up in square 1 with the usual crap such as mind games, lies, silent treatment, blaming us and emotional manipulation. Its been several years now for me and in that time my family and i decided that it was time for the affected person to be put out as the emotional damage was to great on younger members of the family.

That person has been expelled from the home now for 2+ years having little or no contact with us , and guess what?? That person is still a train wreak, all by themselves. It was never us. We did everything humanly possible to help, family counselors, family time, holidays, activities bla bla bla, you name it.... now that person can suffer alone now.

My point OP, while i may seem harsh is that there is only so much a person can take. If you are at your physical limits and your mind is beginning to suffer, you have to look after yourself. It it becomes to much to handle, there is no shame in walking away. Let your partner see that your not going to put up with their bulls*it any longer and see how fast things change when the love and support suddenly stops. Some people just become a little to quick to blame there bad behavior on depression or some "illness" and need a good kick up the backside! I accept mental problems but not bad behavior.

I also happen to know one person who is a true sufferer of depression, who i am close with and that person is the most thoughtful, caring person i know. Never would they treat anyone else so horribly, take it out on others or be mean. They choose to suffer alone with out help... and that is the tragedy behind true depression.

FollatonWood

oscar_mike wrote: »

Hi OP, Have lived with a depressed person/alcoholic for a number of years now. And in that time i have come to the conclusion that "its an illness" is utter rubbish. To me its a pathetic excuse and political correctness gone mad.

I have no words.

oscar_mike wrote: »

I also happen to know one person who is a true sufferer of depression, who i am close with and that person is the most thoughtful, caring person i know. Never would they treat anyone else so horribly, take it out on others or be mean. They choose to suffer alone with out help... and that is the tragedy behind true depression.

So which is it?

You don't know the OP's partner and you have no right to judge their character based on the fact they suffer from a mental illness.

oscar_mike

If you have no words why are you posting here then? And i am not judging if you care to read the post again.

FollatonWood

oscar_mike wrote: »

If you have no words why are you posting here then? And i am not judging if you care to read the post again.

Read my post again. I had no words in relation to my first quoted text.

With regards to the second piece of text- please revert to the post should you need elaboration.

oscar_mike

No thank you, if you dont like my post feel free to ignore it.

FollatonWood

oscar_mike wrote: »

No thank you, if you dont like my post feel free to ignore it.

This is a forum. I simply asked you a question regarding the opinion that you posted in the public realm.

One which you have yet to answer.

oscar_mike

There is no question is any of your 3 posts to me....but feel to ask, i stand by my post.

FollatonWood

oscar_mike wrote: »

There is no question is any of your 3 posts to me....but feel to ask, i stand by my post.

FollatonWood wrote: »

I have no words.



So which is it?

You don't know the OP's partner and you have no right to judge their character based on the fact they suffer from a mental illness.

See above.

The '?' indicates a question.

You put forward two conflicting opinions:
A. That you didn't believe in mental illness
B. That you knew someone who was truly depressed

My question was:
Which is it?

oscar_mike

I did not state that i dont believe in mental illness. If you had read the the post fully you would also see that i accept mental problems but not bad behavior. In my experience i feel that the simply saying "its an illness" does not apply to everybody. Some people take advantage of that.

Cut it out