Feel so excluded from Housemates

LegacyUser

Hi,

Im in my final year of college living with my best(?) 'college' from 1st year (Lets call her Megan). We lived together in 2nd year and got on brilliantly. In 3rd year I moved out because I took a year out of college for personal reasons. So Megan moved in with her best friend from home (Mary) who had come to the same college. When we moved back in together this year I thought it'd go back to normal.

Now this year we (Me, Megan, Mary and another person) all live in a house together and since September I literally feel like the most unwanted, unnecessary 'housemate' ever. I understand as they had been friends for years before college they'd be closer and that didn't bother me at all, didn't even think of it. But since September Megan and Mary do everything together and I literally feel so excluded.

I know it's sounds childish but for example if there is a night out during the week they will organise it between themselves and I wont know about it until I arrive home from college and their 2 sets of friends are in the kitchen. They do the same thing when organising just casual drinks in the house. I would have spoken to both girls leading up to this and both specifically don't mention anything about it. Then when everyone is in the kitchen no one ever says 'oh we're having drinks, join us' so I usually spend them evenings in my room being able to hear whats going on in the kitchen but it is blatantly clear that I'm not invited to my own living room. I just cant bring myself to say 'o are ye having drinks, Ill join ye' when its blatantly clear they are not saying anything to me for a reason. It is just so hurtful because they are nice to my face but make a point of not actually saying anything to me.

I know from them doing this same sort of the same thing to another girl 2 years ago, Their reasoning is I never have friends over. And their attitude is they don't want me tagging along with their friends because I never have my own friends over. This is what they said about the girl 2 years ago, they never invited her because she was a 'tag along' and always bitched about her. But it's very difficult to make arrangements for my friends to join us when Im never told of plans or they never make plans with me. There is a 4th person living here who is rarely home but when she is home, she would be included so Im definitely getting the impression there is something wrongs with me.

I know Im a grown woman but there is something so hurtful about living with your 'friends' but always sitting in your room listening to them have fun in the next room to something you are not invited to (which is currently happening right now). I really want to ask my friend have I done anything or could she try and imagine how she'd feel if she moved in with me and my best friend form home and we were acting like this but Im not into drama or playing the victim.

I just dont know how to deal with this situation and its ruining my last year of college. Ive been in floods of tears on the phone to my friends from home over this and literally any advice on how to broach the subject without making a drama or maybe Im doing something wrong. Please let me know how I could resolve this or what anyone thinks. It literally is the most upsetting thing. i keep saying next time they'll mention drinks or arrange things with me but they never do. I dnt want to have to beg them to be friends with me. Or I could be completely in the wrong, I dont know.

TLDR - Sitting in my room feeling like crying (Actually am crying) because my friends I live with exclude me from everything and always make plans between themselves and their 2 groups of friends. Never invited to things in my own home but sit in my room listening.

December2012

Have you talked to your friend about it? Have you asked her why you are not invited?

Chucky the tree

Well, first things first, they aren't your friends. You have to learn to accept and be happy with that. Next step is then to either move out or simply make more of an effort to hang around with people who are actually your friends or find people who would treat you like a friend.

we'llallhavetea

not very friendly behavior tbh. these girls sound like complete bitches

i would suggest trying to get one on her own and have a chat with her and let her know how you feel and that its getting you down, i just dont know how it would go tbh.

maybe try and hang out with your own friends more, break away from these bitches completely and do not let them make you feel unwanted in your own home, thats ridiculous. get angry, not sad, fcuk them!

Stavro Mueller

Excluded__ wrote: »

I don't want to have to beg them to be friends with me...

Here's a useful life lesson for you - you should never ever beg someone to be friends with you. If you think about it in a very dry analytical way, someone becomes your friend because they like you and they want to hang round with you. It is something that happens naturally and no amount of pleading can change that. In fact, if you open your mouth and do what I've highlighted, it's just going to make you sound needy and a bit pathetic. As the others on this thread have pointed out, if you say something to them, they'll probably say they don't know what you're on about. People like these girls are masters when it comes to speaking with forked tongues.

It's clear to me that your housemates are not your friends. Maybe they were at some stage but they are not now. They're deliberately excluding you and perhaps hoping that you'll do the decent thing and leave. If I'm reading this right, they did this to another girl? Honestly, why would you want to be friends with people like this?

Seeing as it's your final year of college and there are only a few months left, it might not be practical to move. If you decide to stay put, treat these other girls as people you share a house with and nothing else. Live a separate life from them and don't be relying on them for friendship. It's time to toughen up and stand on your own two feet.

thegreatgonzo

Often I think the friends people make in first year in college are not the friends they have by the time they get to 3rd year. In first year with the excitement and novelty of college friendships strike up very quickly and people become best friends overnight. It doesn't always last though when people really begin to know each other. It sounds like that's what's happened here and believe me you won't be long forgetting about them once you are out of this situation.
If it's possible I think you should move. They are treating you badly and as you said they've done this before to someone else. You could talk to them about it, but I'd be prepared for them to pretend to not know what you are talking about.

miss-p

They don't sound like they are being the best of friends to you, so you should maybe try treating the same way they are treating you. Suit yourself a bit more, make your own plans. Invite your friends over and use the space you are renting, like the sitting room, etc.

You live there too, so if you want to hang out in the sitting room or kitchen when they are there, do. I know its easy for me to say and much harder to do but you cant let them push you out of your own house.

One approach is to not let them know its bothering you. Distance yourself from them a bit, but still be friendly. It depends on whether you think the other girl is oblivious to how they are making you feel, or is it regular behavior for her. In my experience some girls love drama.

If you want to try spend more time with them, you could always suggest a 'house' night out and the four of you do something together.

It's not nice to be excluded, deliberately or not, but it does happen. Personally it has happened to me and you do learn from it, even though it's a horrible experience.

Colser

Distance yourself from them a bit, but still be friendly....

I would also urge you to do the above...They know exactly how they are making you feel so I wouldnt even attempt to discuss it with them....You would probably only get a fake response eg "Oh we didnt mean to exclude you ...ect ect...There is no excuse for this in my opinion,,,its a horrible to do to someone in their own living space...You are going to have to put on a brave face...act like nothing is wrong and meet up with your own friends when possible...I would bet they are waiting for a reaction from you and I wouldnt give them that satisfaction...That kind of carry on is just so childish but very very hurtful op but its a reflection of them not you ...take care ..

Neyite

With friends like them, who needs enemies, eh?

OP, for the few remaining months, presumably you'll have exams to study for, so do that in the library away from the house. Invite friends from home up for a weekend or midweek if they can so you can go out with them. Join a club or society to further distance yourself from them.

They sound awful. Friends should have your back, not stab you in the back!

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your replies so far. Its very useful.

Regarding talking to them about it, I know that if I say it to Megan (best friend from 1st year), she will then say it to Mary, and Mary will say it to her friends. This is inevitable.

I am dying to say something but I do not know how. If I say anything I know what will be said to me: 'How often have you tried to make plans with us?', 'We do invite you out' (They don't, I usually just happen to be there) 'You make no effort'

All of the above is true. I make no effort in the fact that if there are people here and Im not invited, I am awkward and shy. I feel that I am unwelcome so I leave and that is mainly because neither of the girls say 'have a drink' or 'are you joining us'. They might say 1 or 2 polite things to me until I leave.

Also regarding doing more things with my friends: I have very few. After taking the year out I have lost contact with my old friends or they have left college. I had a very tough start in 1st semester settling back into college after a year out and I find it hard to meet new people. I thought my friend would be understanding of this but I am embarrassed to say it to her because I know she will look down on me for it.

Although I would love to invite a load of people over and use my space I'm not in a position too That is why I really just want to get along nicely until the end of the semester when I can leave. That is why I just want my 'friends' to include me for 3 months. TBH at this stage i don't care if its from pity or they want or why they include me. I just need some social life until I graduate or I will crack up.

I just dont know what I can do to achieve this. Failure at college having no friends in final year.

tippgirl123

Hi Op, Similar situation happened me last year. Friends with the girls all throughout college, and then i was a burden. I was trying to keep in the loop and inviting myself places. I eventually stopped as i relised they obliviously didn't want me around and i didnt want to be around people who didn't like me. came to a point where i was just being polite and passing them, as i was never invited and ignored. Then it all came out a drunken night, and it was my fault. i also got in trouble for sitting in my own sitting room watching tv, accused for just listening to what they had to say and telling them noting. ( because i wasn't included in the convo).

Long story short, there not your friends. Be polite and pass them untill the end of college year u can move out and u can forget about them all, they don't deserve to be your friend. Who would want to be friends with people like that anyways, so self centered they don't see or care how they affect others by their actions. I would advise you not to confront them over this, as its two against one and its not going to change. They will just see you as the bad person. Try and forget about them, move on from them and focus on your real friends, like you said u have friends at home.

stop animal cruelty

What bitches...kill them with kindness!

yerwanthere123

Very similar thing happened to me in my final year, OP. Lived with two people, one of whom took an immediate, bizarre disliking to me and the other (who was a good friend of mine) took her side! I then found myself completely ignored, excluded and actually quite intimidated in my own house. It hurt a lot, because as I've said one of them was a good friend of mine, and for her to treat me so badly for no reason whatsoever was very hard to take.

Just remember what's happening to you is not your fault, these girls are quite obviously just not very nice people, and unfortunately you've had to learn this the hard way. In the long term, they've probably actually done you a favour as you now know who your real friends are.

What's important now is to look out for yourself. You're in your final year, so you need to focus on that. If it's affecting your studies, I would advise you to remove yourself from the situation and move out of the house early. I left my house two months early and it was completely the right decision.

Long story short, look out for yourself, you've done nothing wrong, and be happy!

Stavro Mueller

OP, whatever you do, please don't bring the subject up with them. I get that you're lonely and struggling a bit socially but that does not mean you should try to be friends with people who have no respect for you.

You are looking at this the wrong way. You seem to think that if you somehow say or do something different, they'll start including you. Sorry to burst your bubble but that isn't going to happen. There will always be an excuse, always a reason to exclude you. What you're describing are classic signs of someone who's barely tolerated. They're staying just about the right side of polite but that's about it. Do not mistake this politeness for some sort of friendship.

I understand why you're feeling down and lonely but please don't beat yourself up about this. It was always going to a big ask to make friends now that things have gotten cliquey. In a few short months you'll be finished college and your life will be starting all over again anyway. Whether you decide to do a postgraduate course, go travelling or get a job, you'll be meeting new people and making more friends.

Honor3

why is he a guest account?

R.D. aka MR.D

To be honest, i think there may be another side to this story that we're not hearing.

You admit that you don't make any effort with these girls. When you took your year off, did you make the effort to keep in touch?

Can you tend to be a little distant? Without knowing it, you could have given these girls the impression that you are a bit of a downer or grumpy or whatever.

Something similar happened to me in college. I had 2 best friends for 3 years and then in final year they starting spending more time together and excluding me. I was angry for a long time but now in hindsight, i realise that i was the one with the problem. I had stopped hanging out with them as much the previous summer because i was wrapped up in my own thing. When we would go out, i would be less fun than i used to be. I would cry in my room and they would try to help me but at the time i thought they were laughing at me behind my back because if the crying.
i would stay in my room when they had friends over. There friends were girls i had know for 3 years and who were always friendly but i was convinced because no one came to ask me to come out they didn't want me there.

My last year in college was pretty miserable because i had convinced myself my friends had turned against me but in reality i had created the situation with my behaviour.


If i were you, i would just go out and join them. Show them that you want to have a good time.

Taltos

Hi Honor3

I know you are new to this forum but you have racked up a few requests already to only post in line with our charter.
The post above offers no constructive advice to the OP at all, and instead is viewed as off topic and again another breach of our charter.

PI is a strictly moderated forum where issues of a serious nature are dealt with, please read our charter before you post again continued rule violations will result in your posting rights being withdrawn.

Thanks
Taltos

December2012

I agree with RD aka MRD.

If you were out of touch and not being friendly the onus is on you to make the right effort. It would be nice of your friends to step up and compensate, but that's not the way things work unfortunately. They have their own life and problems and their world didn't stop when yours did.

I don't think you're to blame - a lot of movies / books follow a plot where friends are always there in support and with great ideas and interest in keeping up a friendship. Look at any movie / sitcom and you'll see dependance of an unusual level. I am digressing here but I think sometimes we put unrealistic expectations on friends and friendships.

you say they are polite to you, you say they ask you to come out when they see you sometimes, so they do like you.

But it's hard to be friends with somebody who isn't showing friendly behaviour. And the fact is that they don't need friends, but you are missing them.

So if you don't want to bring this up in conversation, then you could always change your behaviour to be more friendly and proactive - instigate conversations, you suggest that you guys all have a drink (just thinking, you want them to ask you, but have you got your own drink? Would that make a difference to tight student budgets?)

Next time, stay in the kitchen / sitting room and join in.

because it's very hard to be friends with somebody who keeps themselves to themselves.

LegacyUser

I actually think you are being very unfair & judgemental OP.

You went away for a year, so it's natural that you arent in the habitual arrangements. You don't appear (from what you've said) to make any effort at all with your housemates, but yet you are basically accusing them of being bitches?! It sounds as though you want them to make all the effort, but you make none! You can blame this on your shyness if you want - but that's not their problem to fix, and they might have their own problems too.

You need to make a lot more effort with people - you're in college, not a child any longer, and you need to behave like an adult about this. Tbh, I think your friends are being very tolerant and kind, given your behaviour.

Wanderer2010

cymbaline wrote: »

Here's a useful life lesson for you - you should never ever beg someone to be friends with you. If you think about it in a very dry analytical way, someone becomes your friend because they like you and they want to hang round with you. It is something that happens naturally and no amount of pleading can change that. In fact, if you open your mouth and do what I've highlighted, it's just going to make you sound needy and a bit pathetic. As the others on this thread have pointed out, if you say something to them, they'll probably say they don't know what you're on about. People like these girls are masters when it comes to speaking with forked tongues.

It's clear to me that your housemates are not your friends. Maybe they were at some stage but they are not now. They're deliberately excluding you and perhaps hoping that you'll do the decent thing and leave. If I'm reading this right, they did this to another girl? Honestly, why would you want to be friends with people like this?

Seeing as it's your final year of college and there are only a few months left, it might not be practical to move. If you decide to stay put, treat these other girls as people you share a house with and nothing else. Live a separate life from them and don't be relying on them for friendship. It's time to toughen up and stand on your own two feet.

Excellently put, cymbaline, and 100% true.

OP, if someone makes you feel hurt, confused or excluded, that person just isnt worth your time or effort. You can pretend that they are having a bad day or you are being too sensitive until the cows come home (im speaking from experience here, I used to do anything to get people to like me until I got some self respect and learnt to deal only with people whom I like and vice versa). Start a social life outside these cows because they are never going to change and the more headspace you give them the stronger their hold on you. As said, tough it out until end of the year and then focus on a new flat, new people and new experiences. Good luck!

miss-p

Do you spend much time with them when they aren't going out? Just doing things like watching tv or having tea or chatting or whatever together? If you are getting on normally and just feel like they don't want you there when their friends are there you may be over thinking it.

It's hard going back after a year out, one of my friends did it and she found it very difficult. Maybe try and get to know other people from your course a bit better, and make plans with them for an evening during the week to have something nice to do with people who have nothing to do with the house situation. In general it's nice to try and have some friends who are independent of other friends.