single parent (father)

LegacyUser

Im a lone parent to a 5 year old girl. We have been living on our own since she was 1. Her mother has no contact with either of us.

In these 5 years, I have not had a single night out-not one. For the first 4 years I worked mon-fri in a good job. I had day creche sorted out. Anyway, when my daughter started school, it was just impossible for me to carry on with my work and raise my daughter on my own. My work was never 9-5 and could be working a couple of hours or more most evenings

I have been out of work now since Oct but if I had the right support I could get back into work in the next week with my experience

At present, all im doing is dropping off and collecting my daughter to the school, going to the gym and nothing else. I dont see anyone or talk to anyone. Once we are home at 5pm each day we are in for the night until the next day

I have no family to help or family that will offer to help

I dont know how long I can continue doing this, Im lonely, tired and sad

CaraMay

Would you consider getting an au pair and going back yo work at least part time. That way you would be able to get some free times in the evening and there would be some company around the house.

Alternatively childminders are more flexible in the hours they mind kids.

Can you get involved in parent councils in the school? Would be a good place to start to build up relationships with other parents.

bulmersgal

I'm in similar position to you but i'm a mother and my daughter being school this year. I'm going to get a childminder instead of crèche as I'm hoping to get new job which would need more flexible working hours

Ms. Pingui

I would be looking into after school care if I were you. Working will even help you feel human again!
Is your child's mother paying maintenance? Obviously I don't know what the circumstances are but maybe you could look into applying for it?
The extra income could go towards childcare.

corsav6

Fair play to you OP, you seem to be doing what's best for your daughter and putting yourself 2nd. I think priority is a life for you now as she's getting older and it won't be long until she's off at sleepovers and all that. I'm sorry I can't give any real advice on the situation but you seem to have your head screwed on so I wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies everyone.

For the first few years I was able to work as the creche was from 8:45 to 5:15 and 10 mins from my place of work. Work were grudgingly understanding and let me work 9-5 with no lunch. To be fair to them, most employees would work until after 8pm so it was good of them.

When my daughter started school, I had afterschool arranged but the one I could afford and suitable to where I Was, would finish at 5:10pm

I had a friend who would collect at 1:30 and bring to the afterschool

I would leave my daughter off at 8:45 to the school then cycle to D4 for 9am, leave at 5pm and be at the afterschool for 5pm

We then had a long walk home, by the time I got home it would be around 7:30, still had to feed, wash herself and by then it would be after 9pm

This isnt a moan, pity me -it was the reason I couldnt continue with my work and I didnt make a rash decision for 2 months until finally handing in my notice. Work was also wanting more hours out of me as well


Such is nature of my work, there is no part time work as I have explored this.

Just get bad days, when im earning nothing, seeing nobody. I go to the gym 4x a week and started a new language in the library and go for walks during the day as well as job search.

It is just the situation, almost 6 years of never being out the house socially on my own with other adults.

Now im not working, baby sitters etc are a luxury

Hopefully circumstances will change in the near future

Merkin

You absolutely need to find a job and an au pair. The beauty of an au pair would be that it wouldn't cost you a fortune and it would afford you a social life and give you the odd evening off. I really would prioritise both of these things as our current situation is unsustainable. You sound like a very committed and kind parent but children also need HAPPY parents so you owe it to both yourself and your little one to do this.

Another option would be to work abroad. I don't know what your profession is but an ex pay lifestyle would definitely afford you the support you need. I've lived in the Middle East and East Asia and a lot of professional contracts will cater extremely well for working parents and as part of a work contract too so maybe this is an option you might like to consider also? You've got nothing to lose by looking into it.

I'm sorry you are in such a rut but if you really plan your next move well then you should be back on your feet in no time.

ManOfMystery

I just wanted to say OP I admire your dedication to your daughter and to making sure she is well cared for. Some parents haven't a clue, but you are putting in 110%.

I'd echo the statements above about looking into an au pair or childminder of some kind - my sister in law recently took one on so she could return to work (she works 8-7pm, so longish hours) and it was the best thing she did.

As said, a happy child also needs a happy parent ............. it's not good for you to be isolated and I imagine your feelings would eventually worsen until they have a negative impact on your child. You need to have some form of a social life - it doesn't have to be dating, but even just to pursue a hobby or get out for drinks with friends or whatever - but the important thing is that you have some outlet to let off steam and to relax.

It would also be healthy for your child to have a childminder or au pair and to get used to being minded by another adult, so that yours isn't the only face she sees every night.

Best of luck

Chara1001

Hi OP
It sounds like you've been striving for a long time and forgotten about looking after yourself too. Someone told me that looking after yourself as a single parent isn't self indulgent or a luxury at all, it should be looked at as a priority- you need it and your daughter does too.
It's really tough as a single parent- I am raising my son alone also.

You know you can't stay in your current situation, and fair play to you for getting yourself out of the house and doing something, as it could be really easy to stay in, and get more and more isolated and depressed.
You do need to go out, you do need time to yourself and you do need to be in the company of adults. Your daughter knows when her dad isn't happy- even when you're doing everything in your power to keep it hidden.

OP, you need your job not just for economic reasons, you say part time wasn't an option for you, but have you really explored every avenue with this? Could you branch off into another area where part time is an option?
Childminders are so much more flexible, and au pairs have also been suggested to you. I have been fortunate enough to get a part time job in my field (which in Ireland is tiny!) and managed to find a childminder for my hours. I found a lot of childminders don't advertise well, and word of mouth was the way I found mine- you could find one that can collect your daughter from school so you aren't running around as much. You might need to do quite a bit of digging to find the right childminder- but the answer is there, but you need to find it or create it. It sounds like the balancing act between work/ creche/ life was getting very tough for you and you felt there was no other choice but to leave your job.

Don't give up, and I'm not making little of it- i totally understand your position, and I know just how hard it is.
why don't you look at it as a temporary short term situation where you can negotiate an easier work/ life balance for yourself and your daughter.

The very best of luck to you

Holsten

If you have a spare room get an au pair.

It will cut your costs, allow you to get some social interaction and would be helpful to have another person around the house.

Even just to try it for 6 months/1 year.

JuliusCaesar

I was going to suggest Gingerbread, which was a social support network for single parents. It used organise meetups and gatherings for single parents and their kids, including divorced fathers who had nowhere to bring the kids when they had them on visits, but Gingerbread has merged with Cherish and they are now known as OneFamily. You could also try MeetUp.com.

If you team up with another single parent in your locality and whose kids get on with your daughter you can swop babysitting with them.

Things do get easier eventually as children become older and more independent - but you don't want to lose your own life on the way.

LegacyUser

OP: I am also a single parent(mum) of three . I work full time, and have no local family support within 150km. It is a logistical nightmare...so I got an aupair. The freedom is amazing! I don't really go out, but I can, at least. You might even get to go away for a whole night!! They get buses to and from school....Plus they are minded in their own home. In reality, an aupair for one child would cost €80-€100 a week. Imagine knowing that the homework would be done, and she'd be fed etc by the time you'd get home. If you have the space, then , I would really really advise you to do the same! You'll wonder why you hadn't years ago. I know it's not for everyone, but to be honest, I have found it great for the most part, and I couldn't afford crèche fees/after school cost.
Best of luck!

ash23

OP have you considered retraining in something that would enable you to work office hours? I'm a single parent and I've always worked but I've been limited in what I can do because of the hours my daughter needs me.
Now that your child is in school you should see if any of the parents in the school do childminding.
My daughter was initially in a creche beside her school which did pickups. I then moved her to a childminder whose kids were in the same school and now she's old enough to go home on the bus and let herself into the house and I'm home about 20 mins later.

I started out well and truly on the bottom rung of the ladder and things were very hard initially but over the years I did exams in my profession and worked my way slightly up the ladder so that we're comfortable now.

Anyway my point is that if the job you are looking for needs long hours, feasibly it's not really going to work - as you've found out.
I find she nearly needs me as much now as she did when she was smaller. She has afterschool activities, friends to see, places to be......it is hard to juggle it all but I'd really recommend trying to get back to work if you can at all. It makes such a difference to your own well being, it's a great social outlet when the alternative is being stuck at home. The reality of being a single parent is that you're under house arrest almost every night. Once the child is in bed, you're stuck.

You should also try volunteering at your daughters school if working isn't an option. Get involved in the PTA, offer to coach a team or help at various fundraisers. I'd also suggest looking for the local mens shed in your area. I know my friends partner became unemployed and was very depressed being at home. He joined the mens shed and loves it.

If there isn't one in your locality, start one! Look in the local family resource centre for classes or volunteers needed. You'll meet loads of new people.