Change of heart?

Glowla

I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now and everything seemed to be going great. We just see eachother at weekends as he works about 3 hours away from where I live but we both make an effort to make things work and speak every night usually initiated by him.

He came home this weekend and we went out at the weekend for dinner where he gave me flowers and sweets for Valentines (which I really did not expect as we haven't officially discussed our relationship but as far as I know he's only seeing me). The night went great and he asked to meet up the following day so I text him in the afternoon to see how he was but got no reply...he's not a great texter anyway so didn't think too much of it. Got a message later on that night saying he would call to see me at such a time so I got ready, quite a time after when he said he would be here there was no sign so I rang him....no answer. Got a text 10 minutes later to say he wasn't feeling very well and was going to bed, sorry hope I didn't mind.

Needless to say I was pretty disappointed and this came out of the blue from what I can see. Should alarm bells be ringing with this behaviour or is it just a blip and hopefully he will contact me later on and things will be ok...as in am I overreacting? I will contact him maybe tomorrow if I don't hear but I'm confused and have been playing things over in my head. I find it hard to trust people after my last relationship and perhaps he felt I was too closed off...maybe I should open up a little more. I don't know, I just really really hope its not too late

Maybe he's sick. It seems like a bit of an about turn after a nice evening together but don't overthink it and don't text or call him, the balls in his court. It's only been a few weeks so don't expect too much too soon.

All that stuff a lot of girls go on about being open or closed or whatever isn't really relevant to a relationship of a few weeks. I'm sure he's not spending his evenings wondering about your levels of trust. Leave it be, see what happens, if he's lost interest just move on but don't start calling and texting and asking him to explain himself when he might just have had a crap day and needed an early night.

Merkin

Hmmm that's quite strange isn't it?

I think for now I would take him at face value, he may be feeling wretched and is stuck in bed feeling ill. Did you text him to ask how he was feeling? I'd be a little concerned that he has gone from nightly contact to just doing a bit of a disappearing act. I'd definitely be asking him if he is still unwell etc.

Glowla

He said he was feeling tired/not right but it seemed to come on all of a sudden and he was the one who suggested meeting up! Yes its very strange, hopefully I'm just overthinking it all because I've been burnt before so tend to think the worst of these situations.

Should I let him contact me or should I get in touch with him later in the week if he doesn't in the meantime?

ash23

Glowla wrote: »

Should I let him contact me or should I get in touch with him later in the week if he doesn't in the meantime?

I think if you're taking it at face value that he's been ill, then the normal thing to do would be to text him and ask how he is and say you hope he's feeling better.

If I were dating someone and was genuinely sick then I'd like to get a message like that from them. Obviously if he doesn't get back to you then you know for sure where you stand but beats you waiting around for him to contact you or him waiting around for you to ask how he is.

Merkin

Unless he's in a coma or lost a limb and you've been in daily contact since you've been seeing each other then I would contact him as his behavior is totally out of character isn't it? It's broken an established pattern of behavior.

You don't need to have a heavy conversation about "us", you simply contact him to ask him if he is feeling better etc/gauge how he is (perfectly normal for a couple seeing one another) and you should be able to get some sense then if he is off with you/being weird.

What is your gut telling you?

Glowla

Glowla wrote: »

He said he was feeling tired/not right but it seemed to come on all of a sudden and he was the one who suggested meeting up! Yes its very strange, hopefully I'm just overthinking it all because I've been burnt before so tend to think the worst of these situations.

Should I let him contact me or should I get in touch with him later in the week if he doesn't in the meantime?

I came home on Saturday and I've barely been off the sofa since. I have a sore throat and runny nose and there was no sign of it on Friday at all. The last thing I feel like at the moment is a night out. People get sick and he's not done anything to not deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Check up on how hes doing in a few days, but don't dwell unduly on this.

Addle

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/active/mens-health/10536083/Man-flu-the-truth-that-women-dont-want-to-hear.html

Glowla

Hopefully I'm taking this too seriously because it really is not like him to flake like this out of nowhere especially after making the effort for Valentines. From his message I think it was more he was feeling tired than ill, sorry maybe I should have made that clearer in my post.

Merkin: I don't know what my gut is feeling to be honest, I'm just so surprised at the sudden flakiness like that and he usually rings rather than texts so then he put the delay in letting me know down to not getting my message followed by oh I'm too tired to meet up at that stage.

I want him to know I do like him but don't want to be ringing him later in case he needs space especially when I didn't get an answer when I rang last night, only a text. I feel like things are just hanging now!!

maguic24

OP, let him contact you. You're only seeing each other a few weeks so give him a bit of breathing space. Don't be too quick to text back either, you've got to play it cool.

I wouldn't worry too much about it to be honest.

Merkin

Glowla wrote: »

I want him to know I do like him but don't want to be ringing him later in case he needs space especially when I didn't get an answer when I rang last night, only a text. I feel like things are just hanging now!!

What did he say in the text last night?

Glowla

He said sorry he only received my message at that time (over an hour later), feeling tired and going to bed cos has an early morning start to get train and hope I wasn't too upset about it...

Thank you all for comments so far, feels better to write it out and hear opinions from different angles...

maguic24

Just read your last post there OP. I wouldn't contact him, just give him some space. Wait until he gets in touch with you. Don't be obsessing over little things either. I know it's all excitement when you first start seeing someone and we all tend to overthink everything, but it's early days yet. He could be feeling a bit iffy or even smothered at the moment, so just give him a bit of space.

When I first started seeing my bf, I actually had to tell him to back off a bit because I was stressing out. I used to not text back and turn my phone off sometimes, just because it was a bit hard for me at the start. We were seeing each other for 3 months before we got into a relationship and I used to blow hot and cold because I would get cold feet about where the relationship was going etc etc.

I know, I sound like a man. Try and distract yourself and don't be over-analyzing the situation.

Merkin

Glowla wrote: »

He said sorry he only received my message at that time (over an hour later), feeling tired and going to bed cos has an early morning start to get train and hope I wasn't too upset about it...

I'd take that as face value for now, that's all you can do. I'd thought you hadn't heard from him since but if you heard from him last night I would now leave it and wait for him to contact me. I'd take comfort from him saying he hopes you aren't too upset. I am sure the explanation is quite simple (that he is feeling pants) so try not to worry. I know a number of people who are totally incapacitated with really nasty colds at the moments so give him a few days.

Glowla

I know, hopefully he didn't feel up to hanging out and just wanted to go to bed, pity it was very very last minute though!!

Merkin: this happened last night, but I've spent today feeling unsettled about it all so just have to wait and see does he contact me later on.

Yes I think I will leave getting in touch unless he does tonight...should I ring/text later in the week if he doesn't move to me first to check in with him? I wouldn't like to let things drop just from being stubborn and I'm not one for playing games!

maguic24

Glowla wrote: »

I know, hopefully he didn't feel up to hanging out and just wanted to go to bed, pity it was very very last minute though!!

Merkin: this happened last night, but I've spent today feeling unsettled about it all so just have to wait and see does he contact me later on.

Yes I think I will leave getting in touch unless he does tonight...should I ring/text later in the week if he doesn't move to me first to check in with him? I wouldn't like to let things drop just from being stubborn and I'm not one for playing games!

Give him until the end of the week at least and don't be stressing!!! Try and distract yourself with other things. There is really no point in stressing over, as hard as it is not to stress.

Glowla

Glowla wrote: »

I know, hopefully he didn't feel up to hanging out and just wanted to go to bed, pity it was very very last minute though!!

Merkin: this happened last night, but I've spent today feeling unsettled about it all so just have to wait and see does he contact me later on.

Yes I think I will leave getting in touch unless he does tonight...should I ring/text later in the week if he doesn't move to me first to check in with him? I wouldn't like to let things drop just from being stubborn and I'm not one for playing games!

You're overthinking it Glowla, he's even worried you're upset. If you don't hear from him in a few days, text him a short message asking how he's doing now. He felt crappy and had an early night, don't stress and relax about it, I really don't see any need for concern.

Merkin

Glowla wrote: »

Yes I think I will leave getting in touch unless he does tonight...should I ring/text later in the week if he doesn't move to me first to check in with him? I wouldn't like to let things drop just from being stubborn and I'm not one for playing games!

No, you don't need to play games at all, you're right not to, it usually backfires! Carry on as normal and if you don't hear from him then give him a call later in the week.

Glowla

Thanks so much guys, I feel a bit better about things now...I immediately just thought the worst following previous experiences and hopefully I will have reason to look back on this soon and laugh about how stressed I was for nothing! I will leave it a few days if he doesn't get in touch and perhaps shoot a text/ring him towards the end of the week..

Fingers crossed

Merkin

Best of luck, I'm sure it will be fine x

apieceofcake

Hi,

Any word from him today? It does seem a quick change of heart, but I suppose you don't know him that long to judge. However, I would be a little peeved if it was me that he texted you to say he wasn't feeling well and going to bed, as opposed to ringing you.

You sound like a lovely person so hope it works out the way you want it to

Matteroffact

There is something up, no doubt about that If he could text you way later to say he could not make it why couldn't he text you closer to the time you were to have met him and why did he only text you after you rang him? Sorry OP but I think you are on to a losing wicket here. He has only responded to your texts since and initiated nothing himself. I am afraid the writing is on the wall that he is preoccupied with other things. I would not contact him again. It is entirely up to him now, but don't hold your breath. He is acting like someone who has lost interest for whatever reason. He could have someone else or he could just have realized that he is just not that into you and this weekend has confirmed it for him. That is how I would be reading it. He felt he couldn't turn up on Valentines night without something so I would not read too much into that. It is a horrible way for him to leave you dangling like this. The least he could do is tell you the truth. I would be gone right off him by now if I were in your situation. Even if he does have a sore throat or a cold it would not stop him from texting you if he really wanted to.

maguic24

Matteroffact wrote: »

There is something up, no doubt about that If he could text you way later to say he could not make it why couldn't he text you closer to the time you were to have met him and why did he only text you after you rang him? Sorry OP but I think you are on to a losing wicket here. He has only responded to your texts since and initiated nothing himself. I am afraid the writing is on the wall that he is preoccupied with other things. I would not contact him again. It is entirely up to him now, but don't hold your breath. He is acting like someone who has lost interest for whatever reason. He could have someone else or he could just have realized that he is just not that into you and this weekend has confirmed it for him. That is how I would be reading it. He felt he couldn't turn up on Valentines night without something so I would not read too much into that. It is a horrible way for him to leave you dangling like this. The least he could do is tell you the truth. I would be gone right off him by now if I were in your situation. Even if he does have a sore throat or a cold it would not stop him from texting you if he really wanted to.

Woah, woah, woah, I personally think you are jumping to conclusions. I can actually identify with this guy because I am like that myself especially in the early stages of seeing someone. A relationship is a big commitment for some of us and as I have already said, I had to tell my now current bf to back off when we first starting seeing each other. When I am busy I barely answer the phone or text people back because I don't like being distracted and sometimes I just like having a bit of space to get my head straight. It is very early days yet, let's not jump to conclusions and worry the OP.

Your man's behaviour wouldn't put me off one bit, I'd just give him a bit of breathing space. He could have a lot on at the moment, he may have been tired, there's a whole range of reasons why he may not have called her. I don't like talking to people when I'm upset, so I won't answer the phone. I could be upset over anything. All I am trying to say is that your mans behaviour isn't strange in the slightest! None of us here have the answer, all the OP can do is wait and see.

dixiefly

nothing to lose from a quick "how are you keeping" text tomorrow.

Glowla

No sign of any contact this evening anyway....sadly I caved and dialled his number and surprise surprise got no answer. I know its the worst thing I could have done especially after all your advice but just couldn't sit around, normally this is totally out of my character to give in but the situation has me totally stumped.

Damn

Glowla

Glowla wrote: »

No sign of any contact this evening anyway....sadly I caved and dialled his number and surprise surprise got no answer. I know its the worst thing I could have done especially after all your advice but just couldn't sit around, normally this is totally out of my character to give in but the situation has me totally stumped.

Damn

Leave it Glowla, or he'll feel cornered. Don't push it, no matter how tempted you are.

Glowla

I regret doing that now, just got caught up in the moment...won't do anymore. I never react like this, always manage to keep temptations under wraps

IrishEyes19

Ok what done is done. put away the phone. guys can cancel all the time and if he wasnt feeling well, chalk it to that until you hear from him next. Dont text him again. Im not saying you shouldnt drop him a how are you text, but in my opinion if he doesnt text by mid week, something is up and you are right to address it then, but its too early to do it now when he said he wasnt well.

Rubylolz

Glowla I would safely say if you read this thread by a diff person you would give the same advice 'don't contact him' however your human an it's alot easier to be objective when it's not your feelings on the line...
He's being a fool, you've rang now an hindsight is a great thing but if I were you I'd put it to the back of your head like as if it didn't exist otherwise you will torment yourself!... Forget about him, if he does text an has a valid excuse then well an good... If he doesn't you've dodged a bullet!
All the best, unfortunately we've all been there at some stage... Head up

Glowla

Rubylolz: I've been here myself before and that's what is killing me because I recognise the signs but hopefully I'm wrong this time and he just needs some time...wish I hadn't caved in last night but what's done is done now.

Its just so so out of the blue because he was really making an effort and initiating meet ups that I'm finding it hard to grasp as opposed to just a guy doing a 'fade out' over a period of time...to go from all to zilch overnight is baffling.

CaraMay

Glowla wrote: »

Rubylolz: I've been here myself before and that's what is killing me because I recognise the signs but hopefully I'm wrong this time and he just needs some time...wish I hadn't caved in last night but what's done is done now.

Its just so so out of the blue because he was really making an effort and initiating meet ups that I'm finding it hard to grasp as opposed to just a guy doing a 'fade out' over a period of time...to go from all to zilch overnight is baffling.

There are just some guys who are abducted by aliens and sadly don't have balls to be honest with people around them. I've been there.

Deleted his number.

I don't really see what excuse he could come up with at this stage.

iPink

Glowla wrote: »

Rubylolz: I've been here myself before and that's what is killing me because I recognise the signs but hopefully I'm wrong this time and he just needs some time...wish I hadn't caved in last night but what's done is done now.

Its just so so out of the blue because he was really making an effort and initiating meet ups that I'm finding it hard to grasp as opposed to just a guy doing a 'fade out' over a period of time...to go from all to zilch overnight is baffling.

Oh you poor thing! ! I know that feeling so well & is torture! ! (
Nothing I can say except I would defo have caved in myself too &; rang or texted... The only problem now is that he didn't answer &; you are left in an even worse state than before I would imagine
Can you organise a night out with a friend, go visit someone or go to the cinema or something? ? Anything to distract yourself a bit from the raw emotions you must be feeling?
You will have to face it eventually but it's still early days & it could all go either way!

Mind yourself x

LegacyUser

iPink wrote: »

Oh you poor thing! ! I know that feeling so well & is torture! ! (
Nothing I can say except I would defo have caved in myself too &; rang or texted... The only problem now is that he didn't answer &; you are left in an even worse state than before I would imagine
Can you organise a night out with a friend, go visit someone or go to the cinema or something? ? Anything to distract yourself a bit from the raw emotions you must be feeling?
You will have to face it eventually but it's still early days & it could all go either way!

Mind yourself x

Thanks iPink it's such a horrible thing to go through because even though nothing has been said for definite it keeps you hanging on not knowing but deep down the writing is on the wall. I really thought this one was different but clearly not....first time I had opened up to a guy in a long time and genuinely given someone a chance after stuff that's happened me before.

Oh the formidable waiting game again!!

CaraMay

Op would you 'take him back' after this?

I think you need to figure what is good for you now and that might mean leaving him behind.

Glowla

I guess it would depend on the circumstances if there is a genuine reason for him to feel he needed to pull away for a time even though he shouldn't do it without telling me really.

If it comes to that decision it's not one I will take lightly anyway?

Because I rang him last night and got no answer if I still don't hear from him during the week should I send a text just asking what's up cos it's out of character?

I really appreciate all your support here..

Merkin

Awww I'm sorry Glowla, this is not looking good at all. Even if he was to come back with his tail between his legs I would be very wary of someone who blows hot and cold. It says a lot that after being in daily contact, contact instigated by him has stopped so suddenly.

If it were me in this situation I would simply cease contact at this stage merely because the impetus really is very much on him now. I suspect that you may not hear from him again.

I feel really sorry for you, it is bewildering and shocking and Im sure you are racking your brains as to what could have happened. You may never know. Seems like he went through the motions on Valentines Day and this made him realise he's not feeling it like he should be perhaps? I'd hope he'd have the decency to actually say so but sometimes people merely go AWOL.

Hope you're ok xx

CaraMay

I would just cease all contact.

miamee

Maybe he is genuinely ill OP and was not up to talking on the phone last night. However I wouldn't contact him again - if he is that ill, he needs time to rest and recover and if he is avoiding your calls then you need to take some time away yourself anyway. There is no shame in having called a sick (as far as you know) person to see how they are but I wouldn't call/text again.

ash23

I was going on the basis that he will ill but from your subsequent posts OP, he said he was tired moreso than ill.
If I were you I'd be assuming he's just not interested and deleting his number at this stage. Unless he comes grovelling back with an absolutely amazing excuse I'd be just chalking it up to experience and moving on.

Sadly some people are too cowardly to just say "this isn't for me" and instead go quiet and minimise contact until the other person gets the hint.
It's happened to me countless times and I'm sure others have experienced it too so don't feel too bad about it.

gg2

Cut all contact OP! Delete his number-whatever you have to do to remove temptation to contact. But I don't think you have heard the last of him. Have a wee think about what you would do if he tried to get in contact in the next couple of weeks, which I reckon he will. And what level of excuse is acceptable.

Glowla

Ok so maybe it is better to not send a text later in the week, I just hate the thought of him getting away with it without explanation. My head is mushed going back over things again and again.

Often in these situations the guy does make contact in the future, I know he has a 30th on at the weekend where drunken contact may ensue so I will be prepared for that! I don't know if it's me or if I just go through spells of attracting the wrong guys. He did strike me at the start as the type who likes his freedom and a 'laddish' persona about him but gave him a cautious chance.

Maybe it's the distance thing and he felt like things were just fizzling out..

Merkin

Glowla wrote: »

Ok so maybe it is better to not send a text later in the week, I just hate the thought of him getting away with it without explanation.

Sometimes in these situations you will never get an explanation unfortunately. So if this is what we suspect, I wouldn't hold out too much hope for one.

I remember a few years ago I was going out with a guy for only four or five months but I fell for him because he seemed perfect and while I was a bit cautious at the start I really did begin to fall deep. Then out of nowhere, I mean out of the blue, we met one evening and he said he couldn't be with me any more. No explanation, no reasons why. I was so shocked and so totally bewildered and a bit heartbroken tbh I cut all contact even though he tried to contact me afterwards to see how I was. Not a peep for four years, roll on recently, I am married to the love of my life with a baby on the way and he emailed me to say I'd been on his mind a lot and would I please get in touch?!!! Helllooooo?! You know part of me was tempted to find out why he'd unceremoniously dumped me all that time ago but why bother, I moved on long ago and Im still none the wiser. Unfortunately these things happen sometimes and it's hurtful and confusing. So I do understand OP but I think holding out for an explanation is overly optimistic, if this is how he chooses to phase you out then I don't think he'll have the balls to actually tell you the truth. Sending you a hug because I know it's hard xx

iPink

Glowla wrote: »

Ok so maybe it is better to not send a text later in the week, I just hate the thought of him getting away with it without explanation. My head is mushed going back over things again and again.

Often in these situations the guy does make contact in the future, I know he has a 30th on at the weekend where drunken contact may ensue so I will be prepared for that! I don't know if it's me or if I just go through spells of attracting the wrong guys. He did strike me at the start as the type who likes his freedom and a 'laddish' persona about him but gave him a cautious chance.

Maybe it's the distance thing and he felt like things were just fizzling out..

I think you might never know what's going on. . In that even if he were to contact you & tell you, who's to say it's the truth! He might genuinely be very sick or it could be another genuine reason but even if that were the case I have always though (cos I've been there before too!) It only takes 30 seconds to write a text or make a quick phone call... I bet he would have called in sick to work for example, not just gone AWOL?! The ONLY real justification in not contacting someone IMO is if your fone gets lost or stolen! (Other than something REALLY serious obviously!) Plus he will have seen a missed csll from you so not contacting you back at this stage is downright rude & cruel IMO

Please try to focus on yourself as much as possible for now. .. I would imagine you probably will hear from him again at some stage after he's got whatever's going on with him out of his system. .. however you respond is completely up to you but personally I think you deserve to be treated better... you will find someone who will treat you properly OP you really have to believe that x

Oh & I wouldn't even bother trying to wonder why & what... You'll only drive yourself mad xx

Flippyfloppy

My advice at the start would have been along the 'don't text' lines, purely because I'm pretty much a protector of my own emotions 'just in case' kind of person.

However, in reality OP you're the one being normal in this relationship. You guys were getting on well and everything was going fine, or so it seemed. There was no games, no nonsense between the two of you, yet suddenly he goes quiet. Of course you'll text/ring him when there's sudden radio silence. He's not man enough to do anything but bury his head in the sand!

Imagine how much easier life would be if some men could just man up, and tell women it's not working for them. Do these men think the women's world will fall apart if they're honest ?! Instead they just go silent and watch the confused/bemused texts coming in, probably confirming in their heads that the woman is having a hard time coming to terms with the radio silence..argh

Anyway, you've done nothing wrong, nothing that any sane normal person wouldn't do. He's the one that's off!

GreeBo

As a guy, I'd send a "Hope you are feeling better" text, purely based on the fact that you two seem to have been getting along well; and then I'd leave it at that.

You dont want to go chasing him but you also dont want to piss him off if he really is just sick and you come across all bunny-boiler...

Meauldsegosha

Glowa you don't have to answer this but did you sleep with him on Valentines night for the first time. He seemed to go all out for Valentines Day just to just to disappear after. It wouldn't be the first time a man has disappeared after he got what he wanted.

gg2

GreeBo wrote: »

As a guy, I'd send a "Hope you are feeling better" text, purely based on the fact that you two seem to have been getting along well; and then I'd leave it at that.

You dont want to go chasing him but you also dont want to piss him off if he really is just sick and you come across all bunny-boiler...

Bit she did try to call him and he totally ignored her. The ball is completely in his court.

GreeBo

gg2 wrote: »

Bit she did try to call him and he totally ignored her. The ball is completely in his court.

Calling him is different than sending a quick txt.
A call involves having a conversation, which, if you are sick as a dog is unwanted. If he missed then call then he has to call back etc.

A txt you can read and acknowledge or not hours later.

Glowla

Yes that's what I was thinking, even though I caved and contacted him it's only normal for us. If we never rang each other then it might have been too much but I was only doing what we usually do each night especially after we didn't meet up as normal the previous evening.

No I didn't sleep with him on Valentines night, that's another thing I'm wondering...I'm cautious of my involvement this time round and perhaps did he get sick of waiting? It's another issue I was trying to work at and make sure only when I know we are both committed would I go to that...even though I was considering it soon. It would make sense if he was that type to run when he gets what he wanted but I guess I can take some comfort with that side of my dignity!!

I may never get answers as many of you have said, I do not know what I did wrong only thing I can wonder are: did he think I wasn't invested enough (surely he did though), distance fizzled things out, didn't get what he wanted, got bored or else just wasn't feeling it and went through the motions for Valentines even though he had yet me Sunday suggesting to meet up with a normal chatty message then changed his mind...why would he go that bother if he didn't want to see me

Merkin

GreeBo wrote: »

Calling him is different than sending a quick txt.
A call involves having a conversation, which, if you are sick as a dog is unwanted. If he missed then call then he has to call back etc.

A txt you can read and acknowledge or not hours later.

You can just as easily respond to a missed call by text so I really don't see your point.

GreeBo

Merkin wrote: »

You can just as easily respond to a missed call by text so I really don't see your point.

A "hope you are better txt", at least in my opinion, is far less intrusive than a phone call.

If someone keeps ringing you when you dont want to talk to them its annoying, a simple, single txt isnt.

People have very different feelings about talking on the phone, lots of people dont like it at all, with anyone, nevermind a "partner".