Maybe gay, with a girlfriend?

Battered tackies

So the title kind of says it all. I'm 17, and male and after a recent night out have a girlfriend I've been friends with her for ages and we've shifted a few times, so I'm happy
The thing is though I'm best-case-scenario Bisexual, worst case gay, and in the not so distant future that could be a problem.
I'm worried now that I've gotten myself into a relationship that's only going to end up going sour. As cliché as it sounds, I'm full of conflicting emotions and don't know what to do. Anybody who could help me see this clearer would be a Godsend.

December2012

If you're already thinking about being with somebody else, why are you with this girl?

P. Breathnach

Worst-case gay? That's not a good way to look at it. Being gay is merely a different case, neither better nor worse.

You are 17, and at the moment are happy to have a girlfriend. Good. You are not about to marry her and have three children with her. Chances are, whether you are straight, bi, or gay, a relationship formed at your age will run its course and finish. There may be some pain when it ends; that's life.

You will discover your sexual identity over time.

Battered tackies

December2012 wrote: »

If you're already thinking about being with somebody else, why are you with this girl?

I'm not thinking about being with someone else, I really like her.

December2012

Are you attracted to her?

sammyjo90

Whatever you end up doing...whether this relationship lasts ten mins, ten months or years..you need to hell her you might be bi. just incase another guy catches your eye and you end up doing something later.im not saying you will but her discovering you like men from you doing something like that will crush her. Its all you can do..be honest from the start

Battered tackies

December2012 wrote: »

Are you attracted to her?

I can look at her and admire the way she looks

Tokyo

Battered tackies wrote: »

I'm not thinking about being with someone else, I really like her.

I don't doubt that you like the girl OP, but if you are questioning your own sexuality to the degree that you seem to indicate in your opening post, then I think that you need to take a step away from this relationship and invest some time in yourself, and figuring out what you want. Regardless of your sexuality, moving forward into a relationship with this level of uncertainty is unfair, both to her, and to you.

On a related note, Boards.ie has an excellent LGBT forum which may be able to provide you with information and support.

Wibbs

Battered tackies wrote: »

I can look at her and admire the way she looks

Not quite the answer maybe? Are you sexually attracted to her? I'd agree with Mike, take a step back until you're more sure where your path lies.

Emme

You are 17 and discovering yourself. There is nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. During the course of your life you may find yourself dating both men and women or deciding that you prefer one particular path.

Right now you like this girl and you may be sexually attracted to her. That's fine but tell her you are attracted to both men and women. That doesn't mean you're going to go off with another guy or girl while you're with her but at least she will know.

At least you care enough to be concerned, she could be dating a fully heterosexual guy who cheats on her with other women and doesn't tell her. That would be much worse.

MagicMarker

Battered tackies wrote: »

I can look at her and admire the way she looks

As a heterosexual man, I can do that with other men.

It doesn't sound like you're into her in the way in which you'd maybe like to be. Which is not really fair on her...

sammyjo90

sammyjo90 wrote: »

Whatever you end up doing...whether this relationship lasts ten mins, ten months or years..you need to hell her you might be bi. just incase another guy catches your eye and you end up doing something later

I don't think this is a great idea at all. He shouldn't be telling anyone how he's feeling until he knows himself (in a romantic scenario). He could give himself all kinds of other things to worry about, when his focus should be on getting to know himself. He's just discovering things for himself, he doesn't have to declare all the possibilities at this stage.

It's probably best to postpone exploring relationships until you have a clearer idea of what you want, and for that reason it's probably in both your best interests to back off from this girl romantically at this point. Perhaps you could explain to her that you're afraid you'll lose her as a friend if you get involved at this point, and try to make it easy on her that way.

Your preferences will reveal themselves to you in time, and no matter if you're straight, gay or bi, the only thing that counts is who you are, not what you are so there's no 'worst case scenario'.

Make use of the LGTBQ forum, and get some advice from people who've been there, done that, and come out the other side.

You're obviously a very mature and thoughtful 17 year old who wants to the best thing all round, so you're already way ahead of the game in the character stakes, well done you.

Merkin

If you are not really attracted to her and are so unsure of your sexuality then I don't think it is fair on either of you to get involved. You're only 17, take some time out to figure out what it is you like. It's fine to experiment while finding your way but I don't think actually committing to a relationship with someone when you are so clearly unsure is a good idea. It will hurt her and ultimately cloud your own path to finding out what it is you want. I'd let her down gently and go solo for a while.

And being gay is not a worse case scenario - it really isn't.

Battered tackies

Ok, yep it's not fair on her I get that. I can't tell her about me being unsure of my sexuality though, the thought of that getting out terrifies me.

Yeah, I suppose "I can admire the way she looks" is no answer :P without going into too much detail, at times she does it for me but more often I'm drunk in those moments- what that means I can't say.

The being gay is a worst case remark, I only meant it in relation to the future of this relationship. If that's what I am, I'd get on with it. And yeah I gave a look at the LGBT section, thanks

Telling her I need space or something like that probably wouldn't work, that'd be out of character for me and she picks up on things like that.

And if this comes off as pessimistic or whatever, sorry I'm over the moon about being involved with her this is just a thought that's kinda lurking at the back of my happiness.

Thanks

jane82

What makes you think your gay?

Battered tackies

jane82 wrote: »

What makes you think your gay?

LOl the category I jump to on those naughty websites :P

Battered tackies

Battered tackies wrote: »

LOl the category I jump to on those naughty websites :P

Lots of people have differing tastes when it comes to visual stimuli; it might be indicative, but it's not conclusive!

Penny Tration

Battered tackies wrote: »

LOl the category I jump to on those naughty websites :P

Hey, I watch lesbian porn and I'm a straight woman. It doesn't necessarily mean you're gay.

You're only 17, your hormones are going nuts. There's no need to stick a label on your sexuality yet. When I was 17, I thought I was gay!

You said you've gotten turned on by your girlfriend while drunk. What about while sober? Does she turn you on?

If no, then I'd suggest ending it, not because of your sexuality, but because maybe you just don't fancy her, gay or straight.

Meauldsegosha

Battered tackies wrote: »

LOl the category I jump to on those naughty websites :P

I've looked at girl-on-girl porn and I even kissed a girl years ago. Doesn't make me gay.

Czarcasm

Battered tackies wrote: »

LOl the category I jump to on those naughty websites :P

OP don't be in a rush to 'label' yourself into any particular category. Discovering your sexuality doesn't just come down to clearly defined categories on porn sites. Hell, even those categories can overlap and that's a more realistic analogy than "I'm viewing the gay sex category so I must be gay" if you get where I'm coming from.

You enjoy this girls company and you shouldn't feel any pressure to question yourself or restrict yourself to one set category of sexuality. These categories only work on paper, but sexuality itself is a far more fluid in reality.

At 17 I wouldn't be putting too much thought into defining one small part of who you are if I were you. Just go with what you feel for now and there's no need to be rushing to tie yourself down to anything, including getting into anything serious with someone else and trying to use that to help you define yourself.

Could well be that you just aren't sexually attracted to this one girl, but you could be attracted to many more girls you could meet, as I imagine at 17 you haven't met nearly enough people yet in your life to find your own space and where you fit in.

Battered tackies

Lads I'm laughing away here, I went from worrying if I had it In me to be with a woman to questioning men :P naw, trust me in the real world I am indeed attracted to men :P I don't run out to the postman to save his legs from walking to the letter slot :P
You spoke a lit of sense there czarcasam, thanks

nc19

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Worst-case gay? That's not a good way to look at it. Being gay is merely a different case, neither better or worse.

It is worse case if he doesnt want to be gay

GreeBo

I'm not sure why the OP should tell the girl that he might be gay/bi/whatever?

I certainly didnt tell my GF that I am attracted to women...whats the point of telling her that he might be attracted to men also?

He should tell her that he doesnt fancy her (if its true) but I dont at all understand why he would have to disclose his sexuality as long as he is planning to be with her and be faithful to her?