Cheated

LegacyUser

I expect to be torn to ribbons for this, but I'm so alone and devastated at the moment, I don't know where to go or what to do.

I'm 29 years old. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend since we were both 23. I love her so much and it kills me to think what I've done.

About a week ago, I went away on a bit of a lads holiday to Barcelona with some friends. Was only for a football match and some drinking and stuff. Nothing major.

On our last night there, we went out to a club. Stupidly, we all tried some pills that one of the other lads bought. Drink and just wanting to have a tear up on the last night meant I took it. I still have no idea what it was. Whether it was ecstasy or what, I've no idea. But one of the last things I remember about that night is downing the pill.

The next morning, I woke up in my hotel room with another woman. I had had sex with her and I freaked. I was physically ill from a combination of the hangover and the sheer panic and nerves. I never felt so rotten and horrendous in all my life. I barely held it together on the trip to the airport and the flight home.

When I got home, I called my girlfriend and asked her to come over. I stammered around for a bit when she arrived. I told her how much I love her and how sorry I was. I told her what happened. She freaked. I got several slaps and a lot of anger. I just cried and couldn't stop trying to apologise for what I had done. I came clean straight away. It's been a few days, and she hasn't spoken to me since.

I am crying as I write this. I am devastated. I am so stupid and so pathetic. There is no excuse for what I did. I never tried to rationalise it. I was so stupid. I'm throwing myself on the mercy of my girlfriend. I'm hoping against hope she will forgive me. But I think it's over. I love her so much, I cannot stop thinking about how badly I've messed up and how much I've hurt her.

I never ever thought about cheating before. We have a wonderful relationship and our sex life is unreal. I'd have no reason to cheat. Sure, I've seen attractive girls and stuff and eyed them up. But it would be nothing more than a teenage style lust look. Nothing more. I never thought I would ever be so horrible as to cheat. I seriously am not that kind of guy. I acted under the influence, but that is the reason, not the excuse. There is no excuse for what I did.

If I call her and mention relationship counselling or trying to have a calm talk, would that be a step in the right direction? I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I swear to god I'm so so sorry and I want to try and work something out. I have never felt so low in my whole life. I just wish I could go back and not do what I did, but I can't. I don't know what I'll do without her.

I know this sounds hypocritical and I know a lot of people will think that I'm only sorry because I'm in trouble now, but it's not. I'm genuinely sorry for hurting the most wonderful person in my life. And I will do absolutely anything to try and fix this. I fully admit that I do not deserve anything, but I am so lost without her now. For the first time in a long time, I'm sitting alone on Valentines night, and my heart is absolutely breaking. I need help. I really, really need help.

CaraMay

While I don't like what you did I have to respect you for telling her.

You have to try and meet her. Explain what you told us here and then there is nothing more you can do.

As an aside, please arrange for sti testing to make sure you are ok.

MugMugs

As bad as what you did was I'm amazed you came clean. Make your feelings known to your partner. Lay it all on the table. It's in her hands then though. She'll have a lot of thinking to do and will need time to do it.

Jenneke87

As things stand, the damage is already done. Altl you can do is explain to your girlfriend that you stupidly took that pill and that, while under the influence of it you did this incredibly stupid thing. After that, the ball is in her court and you should be prepaired for her not taking you back. Refrain from taking any drugs again in the future and I wish you the best of luck.

Kidchameleon

Make sure you give her time and space to calm down.

alias06

It sounds like you did something totally out of character because of drink and drugs. Its like it wasn't really "you" who did this at all. Its more like something that happened to you that was outside of your control. Your real mistake was to get completely off your head on drink and drugs. After that anything could have happened. As it turned out you woke up in bed with another women.

You decided to tell your girlfriend about it. She won't care how it happened. To her you cheated and her feelings will be just as hurt as if you did it deliberately. Even if she takes you back your relationship will be different.

Sorry for your trouble OP. I'm sure some people on here will get all judgemental on you but I think this was a genuine out of character mistake which you really regret. Give your girlfriend time and space to go through all the emotions. If you move past this together it will take time.

Loughc

As harsh as this is going to sound but take this as a life lesson, if you're stupid enough to take drugs you have to live with the consequences forever.

Taking drugs and getting drunk still isn't an excuse. If you got off your head and went and stabbed someone you don't get a second chance cause you were drunk. Equally you prob won't get a second chance with your ex either.

It's a tough life lesson but remember it and next time you won't fell pressured to join in with your mates.

jellyboy

Hi op

There is no justification for her assaulting you ..
Just because you are feeling emotional about you "cheating"
doesn't mean you accept violent behavior

I would suggest your first port of call would be a std clinic

Second would be to take full responsibility for your actions
not blaming friends ,drink ,drugs, the man made me do it.

i have no doubt that you are a good person who has done an action which has negative implications
I have done stuff I'm not proud of ,everybody does..

Key question is "Can i learn and grow from my experience"

if you can be truthful to yourself then you can be truthful with others

Tokyo

OP,

nobody will be tearing you to ribbons here - if I'm to be honest, the biggest thing I took from your post is that you probably could have gotten away with it and your girlfriend wouldn't have found out, yet you had the integrity to tell her and let the chips fall where they may. Fair play to you for manning up.

Obviously an STD check is a necessity. If you didn't have the wherewithal to decide whether to sleep with this girl or not, then it's quite possible that other bad decisions were made that night too. You need to do this for your own safety, and for that of any future partners.

As for your partner, well, she is obviously going to be very upset for quite a while, and rightly so. While I sympathise with the fact that you were under the influence, and it was obviously a major factor, it still can't be used as a blanket excuse for what happened. You cheated, and you need to own that, whatever the circumstances were.

First things first, you need to be aware of one thing: You have a LONG road ahead of you in trying to regain your girlfriend's trust again, and there certainly will be days where you'll be taking one step forward and two steps back. And in the end, no matter what efforts you make, she may not ever trust you again enough to be in a relationship. You have to accept that before you start doing anything, and if you're not willing to accept that, thn the best thing to do would be to walk away right now.

I understand the urge to rush her into relationship counselling with you as an instant fix, and while that might be something worth considering further down the road, all you can really do for her right now is to show genuine remorse, and ask for forgiveness. Call her and try to see if you can meet her to explain things, but if she says that she needs space right now, then give it to her, as she might still be processing everything that has happened.

If and when she does decide to talk to you, the best thing you can do is to tell your girlfriend openly about your feelings and that you would still want to try to make the relationship work. Do not try to talk to her when she is upset, wait until you are both calm. You need to make sure that your girlfriend understands that you regret your mistake, that you have learned from it and that you now realize how badly it hurt her, and that you are never going to hurt her again. If you can convince her of that, and if she still have feelings for you and if she wants to try to make the relationship work, you can then continue from there.

Be under no illusions though, it's a long road ahead, and she will fluctuate between moments of love and periods of anger. Your girlfriend has to work through these feelings on her own timeline, and you can't force the issue - you can only continue your efforts to show her your remorse until she accepts in and reconciles with it within herself. You may also have to deal with the judgement of friends and family too - all I can say is try not to let it wear you down, they have the right to be concerned whether your girlfriend is making the right decision should she choose to try and work things out with you.

Holsten

There is nothing you can do.

It's up to her if she can deal with it or not.

If I were to advise you I would say leave her alone, if I was to talk to her I would tell her to end the relationship.

Tasden

Also, just to add to the great advice given by mike (as always) and other posters, the fact you can't remember anything after taking the pill may seem like a "convenience" to your partner, she may ask about all the details leading up to the fact and if you can't remember them she may feel like you're just trying to get away with having to tell her everything. I understand that things become a blur and you honestly cant remember but this may become an issue that your partner can't accept. She may want you to "come clean" and you saying you can't remember may just seem like you're trying to get out of having to come clean if you get me?
There's nothing you can do about that tbh, but I just know from being in her position that getting the whole "one thing led to another and that's all I can tell you" wasn't enough. You have turned her world upside down and being told that you don't even remember the details that led to that may not be enough for her. I'm not saying that she'll want to know the gory details or anything but the lead up and how you came to be in the situation at all will be playing on her mind.

Fair play to you for telling her, hopefully your honesty will stand to you. Also, be prepared that (again as someone who was in a similar position) Valentine's day will now be marred by this, which seems trivial but may be a big deal to her when it comes round again if you do stay together so keep it in mind, I know that's a loooong way away but just wanted to warn you. Hope it works out for you, I really do. Also your mistakes don't define you as a person so go easy on yourself. Take care.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

With all the things boiling around my head at the moment, I had never even considered an STI check. Oh god. I know when I woke up (sorry for being graphic here) I still had a condom on. But who's to know what happened before or after. I've booked myself in ASAP. My GP, who I trust absolutely, has agreed to give me a quick once over tomorrow afternoon. He usually doesn't work on a Sunday, but I told him I was in a lot of trouble and fair play to him he's going to do a quick check before I get the proper check done.

I'm panicked now that I might have caught something. I really am.

Much as people might not believe this, I love my girlfriend. I love her so much. That's why I'm so upset and angry at myself. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I just love her so, so much. I am terrified that I've destroyed everything.

Someone mentioned that it is out of character for me. It is. I don't do drugs at all. I don't drink a lot. I never even thought of sexual contact with anyone else (with any degree of seriousness). My relationship with my girlfriend is so good. We are rarely apart, we have an amazing sex life and I just love being with her. I find it very hard to imagine life without her now. 6 years we've been together. It's hard to imagine that ending.

I fully realise how stupid I was. I'm not much of a drinker, so I should have known that drugs would have been totally out there. I just thought at the time it would be good fun. I never realised how powerful it was. I seriously have no memory of what happened between the time I took the pill and when I woke up. I'm so worried. I haven't had the spine to ask my friends. I also know in my heart that drink and drugs were the reason. They are not the excuse. There is no excuse. I screwed up in a major way. I would do anything to take it back. But I can't.

As someone else mentioned, I had the decency and integrity to tell my girlfriend. I couldn't have not told her. I couldn't have lived with myself. She is such a great person and I couldn't have done it. I knew I'd get killed for what I did. But I had to tell her. I couldn't have lied. She means too much to me for me to lie and live with the horrible thing I did.

I have resisted the urge to call her or text her at all. I so want to hear her voice again. I want to see her again. I will wait until she gets in touch with me. If she ever does. It's killing me to think that it might be over. But I'm still clinging to hope that because we've had such a great relationship so far, that this is the first proper crisis we've had and that she must surely see how truly (and I mean truly) sorry and remorseful I am. I am disgusted with myself and I will never forgive myself for it.

I just live in hope at this stage. I've cried myself to sleep for the past few nights. Last night was especially hard. We always made a bit of a big thing about Valentines Day. I always loved it. For the first time in years, we weren't together on Valentines. It hit me so hard.

Thank you to everyone who's posted, by the way. Thank you.

Tokyo

unregistered11 wrote: »

OP here again.

With all the things boiling around my head at the moment, I had never even considered an STI check. Oh god. I know when I woke up (sorry for being graphic here) I still had a condom on. But who's to know what happened before or after. I've booked myself in ASAP. My GP, who I trust absolutely, has agreed to give me a quick once over tomorrow afternoon. He usually doesn't work on a Sunday, but I told him I was in a lot of trouble and fair play to him he's going to do a quick check before I get the proper check done.

I'm panicked now that I might have caught something. I really am.

Take a breath. The chances are low, and the fact that you were wearing a condom is obviously a very good sign. But of course it'll put your mind at ease to get the all clear from your doctor - it was good of him to see you at such short notice.

I have resisted the urge to call her or text her at all. I so want to hear her voice again. I want to see her again. I will wait until she gets in touch with me.

I think that you should try to initiate some contact - even if she tells you to take a running jump, she needs to see something coming from your direction. Look at it this way for a minute - she's probably as insecure now as she's ever been in her life, and the guy that made her feel that way hasn't even tried to make it up to her. You need to put the legwork in here, not just wait for her to come round. Obviously if she ASKS you for space, that's another matter, but for now, contact her and see if you can make at least a start down the path to seeing if this can be resolved.

Penny Tration

I can't add much to the excellent advice but your last post makes it very clear how much she means to you.

I'd agree with mike, I would call or text her. If she asks for space, leave it. If she is willing to talk, I would screenshot your last post here and show it to her. She is obviously very important to you and I think your last post conveys how you feel about her.

As an aside, I really think it's admirable that you told hed and I hope you can both work it out. Good luck.

P. Breathnach

mike_ie wrote: »

...
I think that you should try to initiate some contact - even if she tells you to take a running jump, she needs to see something coming from your direction. Look at it this way for a minute - she's probably as insecure now as she's ever been in her life, and the guy that made her feel that way hasn't even tried to make it up to her. You need to put the legwork in here, not just wait for her to come round. Obviously if she ASKS you for space, that's another matter, but for now, contact her and see if you can make at least a start down the path to seeing if this can be resolved.

I agree with this. I suggest that the message be that you would like to talk with her when she feels ready for it. That way, you are giving her whatever space she needs, and yet indicating that you would like to deal with things.

I imagine you would like to say to her some of the things that you have said here. I know that I would if I was in a position like yours. But you should hold back until she is ready to listen to you.

Borboletinha

You seem like a really nice guy who loves his girlfriend but made a mistake. It can happen to everybody. I hope she will forgive you and you can work things out.

Czarcasm

OP having read your posts I have just one quick question, just something for you to ask yourself rather than feel you have to answer on here -

Have you put yourself in your girlfriend's position and thought how she might be feeling right now?

You need to give more thought to how your actions have affected her rather than just how you feel about what you've done and how you can win her back.

beks101

Yeah I do feel some sympathy for you, but if it were me, I wouldn't take you back tbh.

There are too many questions that you can't answer. Given how you've already absolutely shattered the trust in your relationship already, I wouldn't know what to believe.

I've done some pretty retarded things while fcuked up too. But never cheated on anyone. Ever. It just isn't a part of my vocabulary, it would be akin to murdering someone, I just wouldn't and have never had it in me.

I get that it's completely out of character for you and I empathize. Pills can really, really mess you up.

But if it were me, you'd be a different person to me right now, to the loving, wonderful boyfriend I'd always known. That's what would be the clincher for me. To have gone from one of the few people in my life who has my absolute best interests at heart, and would never ever hurt me, to...well, to who you are to her now.

Maybe you can prove yourself to her again. But I think you need to respect the tidal wave of devastation you've just brought into her life, and understand that all the unanswered questions, as innocent a thing as it seems to be, are going to really mess with her head.

makeandcreate

I had to think about this one. If I was in your GF shoes , I think my immediate and gut reaction would be to chuck you out. I'd need the space to deal with my hurt.
However, I don't think I could let that one foolish error dictate the rest of my life and I would attempt to work things out but only when I was ready to. There would be very little you could say or do to speed up or help the process, even though you may want to.
Hope things work out for you - you seem genuinely remorseful and as someone else said you could have kept quiet about the whole thing, so well done on manning up and facing up to things.

I'm probably alone with this, but to me this is clearly a case of telling the girlfriend being the wrong thing. He's obviously sorry and upset, he's very clearly not going to do it again, and it's made him realise how much he loves his gf. He told her because he felt guilty and needed to unburden himself, and I understand that, but at what cost?

Telling her has upset her - very understandably, he did an awful thing and it's heartbreaking - and split their relationship. The loss on both sides is incalculable.

If he'd carried the burden and used the experience to be a better man in future, he would carry the guilt forever, but he'd still have his relationship and his girlfriend would have someone who knows her value, instead of pain and heartbreak. I'm usually all for full disclosure, but sometimes, very rarely, discretion is the better course. The lesson was learned already, there's little benefit in losing everything. I know people will say she has a right to know - I even agree - but sometimes we lie by omission to protect the feelings of people we love.

That said, it doesn't matter what you did or how upset she was, she had no right to turn physical with you and I hope you consider this aspect of her character as you consider what you've lost in this sorry episode.

Get yourself checked OP.

alias06

Candie wrote: »

I'm probably alone with this, but to me this is clearly a case of telling the girlfriend being the wrong thing.

You're not alone on this. I was thinking the exact same thing. The wiser thing to do would have been to bury this. Then do whatever he needs to do to deal with his own guilt privately. Get physically sick if he has to. Talk to a counsellor. Talk to a priest. Do whatever the hell it takes but don't tell her. Shoulder the guilt and learn the lesson.

Its too late now of course. She will never look at the OP the same way again. Even, if the relationship does survive it will be a different relationship.

The Glacial Pepper

OP what you did was stupid but there is no excuse for physical assault, you are better off without her, and after the dust settles hopefully you'll realise this too.

alias06

The Glacial Pepper wrote: »

OP what you did was stupid but there is no excuse for physical assault, you are better off without her, and after the dust settles hopefully you'll realise this too.

This came up on another thread recently. She threw a few slaps when he told her he had slept with another women. An understandable reaction in fairness. You can call it a "physical assault" but I doubt very much that is what transpired. I doubt he is in any way threatened by her physically. The news must have torn her heart and guts out and in the heat of the moment she threw a few slaps which could probably have done no real damage but showed her partner how angry she was. No one on boards is advocating violence. But there is no point making her reaction out to be something that it isn't.

alias06

alias06 wrote: »

This came up on another thread recently. She threw a few slaps when he told her he had slept with another women. An understandable reaction in fairness. You can call it a "physical assault" but I doubt very much that is what transpired. I doubt he is in any way threatened by her physically. The news must have torn her heart and guts out and in the heat of the moment she threw a few slaps which could probably have done no real damage but showed her partner how angry she was. No one on boards is advocating violence. But there is no point making her reaction out to be something that it isn't.

Would it be ok if a man 'threw a few slaps' at his girlfriend if she'd cheated?

Works both ways, it shouldn't be excused however provoked.

alias06

Candie wrote: »

Would it be ok if a man 'threw a few slaps' at his girlfriend if she'd cheated?

Works both ways, it shouldn't be excused however provoked.

Hi Candie. No I don't think it would be the same and I'll explain why.

In most heterosexual relationships, the man in the relationship is not physically threatened by his partner. She isn't really able to hurt him. And he can put a stop to any attempts to hurt him very quickly. They will know exactly where they stand against each other. In a situation like this if I told my partner I had cheated on her and she started slapping me I wouldn't be scared. I'm a big guy and I know how to handle myself. I might put my hands up to protect my face and then let her hit away. Let her get her anger out. She can do no damage anyway. That's not to condone it. But at the same time I would not be claiming serious "physical assault". And I could understand why she would react that way.

If the roles are reversed then, in most cases, it is a different story. The women is really threatened by the man and is at his mercy. He can completely overpower her defences so any attack by him on her is terrifying. That's why it is so unacceptable for a man to attack a women in this way.

To think of it another way. Imagine a small child throwing a tantrum in a shopping centre. The child is hitting its mother on the leg. Is that the same as a parent giving a child a severe beating? Of course it isn't. The child isn't in control of its emotions and is unaware of any hurt it might cause. Someone needs to take the child aside and explain that isn't acceptable. But an adult beating the hell out of a child would be a different story.

Its not black and white. There are different levels of violence. And varying degrees of provocation. We have all got violent at some point in our lives. I am, of course, not advocating violence by anyone. Just trying to show a little understanding. And of course I know that women can abuse and terrify their males partners also. But I doubt very much that is what happened in this case.

Sligo1

OP you need to make contact with your girlfriend. Don't leave it to her to make contact. As another poster said she has probably never felt so insecure. It will make her feel worse if she thinks the guy who she's gone out with for 6 years had sex with someone else and then bailed without even making an effort to contact her and at least try and make things up.

I know you think not contacting her is the right thing to do but it really isnt. Tell her you love her. And let her know she means the world to you and let her dictate to you if she wants time, space or to talk etc etc. Write her a letter if you have to. But let her know what she means to you. Don't have her feeling alone, abandoned and insecure by not initiating some form of contact.

LegacyUser

OP again.

My doctor checked me out today. Preliminary results indicate I'm clean. It's not 100%, but it's better than nothing. I'm going to an STI clinic tomorrow to get it confirmed properly. First bit of good news I've gotten in a while.

I called my girlfriend soon after I got home. It took me ages to work up the courage. She didn't answer the phone. I ended up leaving a choked up message for her. I begged her to talk to me when the time was right for her. I broke down crying towards the end. I tried not to, but I simply couldn't help it.

She sent me a text a while after. She had listened to the message. She wants more time to think. But I was relieved to see she signed off her message by saying she still loved me, despite it all. I cried again reading her message. I really wish I could just hear her voice again. I just want to hug her again. Even if it is for the last time.

"Have you put yourself in your girlfriend's position and thought how she might be feeling right now?"

I've thought of nothing else. It's killing me inside to think how she must be feeling. We never, ever had a problem if we went away for a weekend with friends alone or if I went out for a night with the lads. Ironically, she was usually delighted when I went out for a night. She enjoyed a night in alone sometimes or having a girls night in with her friends. We trusted each other so much, because we both only had eyes for each other. Now, I have broken that trust and I can only imagine how hurt and let down she is.

I wish I could remember what I did. Worse, I plucked up the courage to ask my friends who I was with what happened (I did this in a jokey way, "what the eff happened, lads?!"). They don't know either. I "disappeared" apparently shortly after and they didn't see me until the morning. I'm furious with myself still for not knowing. I wish I could remember, but I simply can't. I've tried and tried, but nothing is coming back to me yet. I know how pathetic that sounds, but it is the honest to god truth. If I knew, I would have said it here. I'd have no reason not to. But I know how it must sound to my girlfriend.

I could have remained silent. I could have said nothing. But I would NEVER have been able to forgive myself. It would have come out eventually. I couldn't have kept it in forever. My girlfriend is an amazing, wonderful person, and I would rather be totally honest with her and face the music, than live a life with her that is riddled with deceit and lying. We have no secrets from each other and that is one aspect of our relationship that I love so much. We can be totally honest with each other. And I respect her too much to lie. I'm sorry, it might have spared feelings in the short term, but I could not do it. I couldn't.

And let me say something else. My girlfriend is the sweetest, kindest and most wonderful person. She is in no way violent at all. I've rarely seen her angry. We have hardly ever had arguments and when we did, we ended up laughing to each other about how silly we were being. She slapped me maybe twice or three times after I told her. She was sobbing and crying at me. My face wasn't even red or sore after it. It was nothing. I told her probably one of the worst things a person can hear. That is not something to be held against her at all.

As I was writing this, she texted me again. She wants to meet up with me soon, during the week, to talk. Even if she wants to end it, at least I'll get to see her one more time. It will break my heart if she does end it. But I can have no complaints if she does want to leave me. I would hope that my honesty and the fact that we've had such a great, loving and wonderful relationship up to now would be factors she would consider.

Once again, thanks everyone for their replies. It's helped a lot to get some outside perspective.

PucaMama

Candie wrote: »

I'm probably alone with this, but to me this is clearly a case of telling the girlfriend being the wrong thing. He's obviously sorry and upset, he's very clearly not going to do it again, and it's made him realise how much he loves his gf. He told her because he felt guilty and needed to unburden himself, and I understand that, but at what cost?

Telling her has upset her - very understandably, he did an awful thing and it's heartbreaking - and split their relationship. The loss on both sides is incalculable.

If he'd carried the burden and used the experience to be a better man in future, he would carry the guilt forever, but he'd still have his relationship and his girlfriend would have someone who knows her value, instead of pain and heartbreak. I'm usually all for full disclosure, but sometimes, very rarely, discretion is the better course. The lesson was learned already, there's little benefit in losing everything. I know people will say she has a right to know - I even agree - but sometimes we lie by omission to protect the feelings of people we love.

That said, it doesn't matter what you did or how upset she was, she had no right to turn physical with you and I hope you consider this aspect of her character as you consider what you've lost in this sorry episode.

Get yourself checked OP.

no way the girlfriend deserves to no what her boyfriend is at behind her back. if i was her i wouldnt believe the bit about not remembering anything.

alias06

unregistered11 wrote: »

As I was writing this, she texted me again. She wants to meet up with me soon, during the week, to talk.

This is good. Reason to be hopeful. At least she wants to talk. She'll be going through all sorts of emotions over the coming weeks and months. Best of luck.

Tokyo

OP,

first off, I'm glad that the preliminary test results came back clean. While I know that it may not seem important at the moment with everything else that you are dealing with, I'm personally glad that you came out of this with no impact upon your health.

Fair play for building up the nerve to call your girlfriend, I know that it couldn't be easy. But the fact is, for better or worse, you got the ball rolling on the situation, and she has responded. She will still need her time and space, but the fact that she tells you that she loves you, and has agreed to meet with you on her terms is a good sign - she hasn't simply written you out of her life forever. But respect the timeframe that she has given you, don't try to push it, and don't plague her with messages beforehand. This has to be on her terms now.

At this stage OP, I'd also advise you to stop beating yourself up over it, and being angry that you don't know the details of what happened. You know that you woke up in bed beside another woman, while still wearing a condom from the night before, therefore you know enough to know that something happened. Being furious at yourself because you can't drag memories out of the murky depths of your mind isn't going to change that. And when you are talking to your friends, skip the jokey "what the eff happened, lads?!" - if they are your friends then they know that you are feeling terrible over this and are going through a pretty rough time of it, and they should be good enough friends to support you through this. You also never know who might get the impression that you are trying to laugh off what has happened, which judging by your posts is far from the truth.

There are no guarantees of what the outcome is, as I'm sure you have figured out yourself, but at least it's progress, one way or the other. All I can do from here on in is wish you good luck with this OP.

P. Breathnach

A glimmer of hope. It would be great if she could bring herself to forgive you, and you could both set out to rebuild your relationship. I'm going to take an optimisitic view, and look at where you are going next.

This will not be forgotten, either by her or by you. But it is essential, if you are to make it as a couple, that it be consigned to the past. Yes, it can, and to an extent, should have some impact on future behaviour. You simply can't take the risk of excessive "laddishness". You will, I am sure, be more careful about the circumstances in which you drink, and you will run away from mysterious substances.

But if she is tempted to use your failing as a means of controlling you, then your relationship cannot survive that (I don't mean her negotiating terms for getting together again; I mean her holding it over you continuously).

Reciprocally, you will need to stand up. Right now, you are rightfully crawling to her. But that can not go on forever. You need to stand together again as equals. You can file away in the back of your mind that you owe her for getting past your folly, but if you continually abase yourself, then you won't have rebuilt a sound relationship.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Neyite

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