ED-feeling lost

Rachel79

Hi all, new to this so hope I'm posting in correct forum & will try to keep it short. Have had a lot going on in my life this last couple of years & generally would have always resorted to controlling my eating as a form of gaining control I guess. Had gone to GP about 6 years ago which was a disaster just looked at me as if I was mad & wasn't 'thin' enough to be doing what I was. Tried private counsellor but couldn't gel with her.

Have to add that was a periodic problem but recently (last 6 months or so) I have been struggling with it quite regularly. I go from not eating for periods to eating normally then eating & purging. Xmas was particularly bad & decided to try to get help.

Rang HSE in new year & spoke to ED counsellor who seemed to completely understand & was not judging in the least, finally thought I was moving forward until she asked me to get GP referral & would have to attend for bloods etc to make sure I was healthy. I just felt destroyed! I did everything but beg me to see me without referral.

Just don't know where to go from here, convinced myself I was being dramatic & that since I'm not underweight I'd be fine. Roll on a few weeks & every day revolves around either hiding that I'm not eating or hiding the amount I am & the trips to the bathroom, don't think I'll ever be able to go to GP again after last time. Have checked out private therapists but none remotely local that deal with ED & prob could'nt afford it long term.

At this point just feel completely lost & don't know where to turn, and not even sure if I have an ED. would really appreciate any advice. Sorry for length of post. Thanks

Boombastic

I don't know much about eating disorders. First step is admitting you have at the least an unhealthy relationship with food, binging, purging (which you admit but then backtrack at the end) Could you try a different gp to get a referral?

Rachel79

Boombastic wrote: »

I don't know much about eating disorders. First step is admitting you have at the least an unhealthy relationship with food, binging, purging (which you admit but then backtrack at the end) Could you try a different gp to get a referral?

I know I have an unhealthy view of food but not sure if it is ED, think it would break me if I took a leap to get help & ended up like before. Thanks for reply, had thought about changing GP but family have been in same practice since year dot & just thought every GP would look at me I think that because I don't look rail thin that I'm grand, but may have to rethink changing.

LegacyUser

Sorry if this sounds rude - but feck that, re the GP being your family GP!

As I read it, you're not sure what the problem is, but you know that there is a problem, and you want to address it. This is really positive, and that's step one - and the hardest step. Now you just need to find someone to help you on your way!

It sounds like you got speaking to a very helpful eating disorder counsellor in the new year - but it also sounds like her hands were tied. I'm sure someone here could clarify, but it could be down to budgets that she has to get the go ahead from a GP in order to get you 'into the system'. Or that this is just how the system works.

So make it your mission OP to go about finding yourself an understanding GP who listens to you. This may not be the person that your family have always gone to - but so what! And who cares if you meet another GP whose daily work is colds / flu / earaches, and isn't tuned into your needs - you will find one if you keep trying. Don't let meeting a GP with a lack of experience / closed mind slow you down on your progress! Onwards and upwards to the next step and beyond!

Tokyo

Rachel79 wrote: »

I know I have an unhealthy view of food but not sure if it is ED, think it would break me if I took a leap to get help & ended up like before. Thanks for reply, had thought about changing GP but family have been in same practice since year dot & just thought every GP would look at me I think that because I don't look rail thin that I'm grand, but may have to rethink changing.

Hey OP,

it sounds like you figured out the course of action that you wanted to follow quite a while back, and you were just unfortunate enough to meet a GP with a very blinkered point of view. It's not common, but unfortunately it happens Family doctor from the year dot sounds like a person very set in their ways - don't let the ignorance of one person stop you from moving forward with your life.

Despite your reservations based on your experience, rest assured that most GPs out there will treat you with complete respect, and will recognise your condition for what it is, and will refer you as is necessary. Find yourself another GP, and explain the situation to them as you have just done here. If you are apprehensive about it, bring a friend for support.

macplato

Rachel79 wrote: »

I know I have an unhealthy view of food but not sure if it is ED, think it would break me if I took a leap to get help & ended up like before. Thanks for reply, had thought about changing GP but family have been in same practice since year dot & just thought every GP would look at me I think that because I don't look rail thin that I'm grand, but may have to rethink changing.

OP, you seem determined to get help and that's fantastic. It seems that all you need is a GP referral, please don't let this stop you from moving forward in your healing process. Your health is more important than the opinion of your family or your GP about getting a new doctor.

I think the best idea would be for you to ask your friends for a recommendation of a good, kind GP. Since you feel so vulnerable about this, it's best if you have some degree of trust in the new doctor before you go to see him/her. And don't get discouraged, OP. I shopped around for a decent GP for a good few months, before I found the one I'm with now. Not every GP out there is a good doctor (god knows, some of them shouldn't be allowed to deal with people!), but plenty of them are, and thankfully we have the option in this country to look for one that suits our personality and our needs.

You have suffered long enough, OP, don't give up on yourself over an issue that can be so easily resolved. There are many great GPs out there - go and get one!

Princess Peach

Rachel79 wrote: »

I know I have an unhealthy view of food but not sure if it is ED, think it would break me if I took a leap to get help & ended up like before. Thanks for reply, had thought about changing GP but family have been in same practice since year dot & just thought every GP would look at me I think that because I don't look rail thin that I'm grand, but may have to rethink changing.

I was diagnosed with EDNOS, eating disorder not otherwise specified, meaning I didn't quite fit the bill of anorexia, bulimia or binge eating, I kinda had a bit of all them at times! You for sure don't have to be underweight or obese to have an eating disorder. You should probably not even worry about labels anyway. Fact is you are worried about your behaviour and want to change, which is great!

Can you call the councillor again and maybe ask them for a recommendation of a GP? They may personally know someone they can vouch for. You might feel better going to someone you know will treat you well. Plenty of doctors out there that will take you seriously, trust me.

Also maybe look for some other forms counselling in your area? Bodywhys is a good organisation to check out and may have some options for you.

Rachel79

OP here

Don't want to make out the GP is useless, I think I always brush off any illness I've at him for & he's just thought 'ah sure you'll be grand, you're made of strong stuff'. Have looked into the one other practice in my area today but they are not taking on patients at minute but will keep trying. I could tell the secretary was wondering why I'd be changing, lol (the joys of rural Ireland)

I really wanted to do this alone, on my terms & when counsellor said that I would have to get referral & attend weekly at my GP for 'monitoring' of weight etc, I just thought why is everything coming down to weight!! Does my weight determine how much distress I'm in! I do understand that this is not her fault & 'her hands are tied'. I just can't deal with the paranoia of wondering what the doc is saying to Counsellor & vice versa. I have dropped about 1 1/2 - 2st through my eating/purging habits & get the feeling that I'm wasting their time because I am far from underweight but don't want to get to the stage where I can't stop the weight loss/behaviour. At the moment can't think straight but advice has helped.

Thanks everyone for your advice, its really appreciated.

comfortseeker

Hi Rachel
Reading your post I can relate to nearly everything you are saying. I have had anorexia for the last 7 years. I struggle every day, I too went to my doctor but it took me a few goes to push him in to referring me to see someone because I wasn't your typical bones jutting out patient but I did have amenorrhea for 9 months. Eventually when I did see her it didn't help me that much because i still have the voices and fear when it comes to social situations and certain foods and obsess about exercise. I did find that the online chat room on bodywhys helped a lot too talking to others in the same situation. The chat-room runs every second Monday and Wednesday and you should definitely check it out. Also check out the find help section on the website it has a list of counsellors in your area that specialise. If not ring them I promise you wont be disappointed. <snip> Best of luck hun x

Tokyo

comfortseeker, please take a few minutes to take a look at the Forum Charter.

For the reasons outlined in the charter, it is not permitted on this forum to ask posters to PM you. Please familiarise yourself with the rules, as Personal Issues is a strictly moderated forum.

comfortseeker

Sorry mike wasn't aware your can edit that bit out if you wish. Won't happen again

beks101

Sorry you've had that experience with your GP, that's appalling and highly unprofessional.

TBH I struggled with an eating disorder and encountered a lot of the same. One of the country's "top eating disorder specialists" actually told me the reason he knew I wasn't anorexic was because my "eyes were bright and shiny" and I wasn't stick and bone. You couldn't make this up.

What worked for me in the end was finding a psychologist who took the focus from my weight and the food diaries and daily monitoring that that other fella wanted to run me through, and bringing it back to ME and what was going on inside my sad old head.

It was a long haul, took me years to get to the root of things and finally feel like I was "safe" enough to stop controlling my eating / exercising habits, and from there I saw a dietician for a while to make sure I was physically on the right path.

It IS possible for you, it will just take some time and a lot of hard work. If you don't gel with a counsellor, don't be afraid to walk away and start afresh. That relationship and trust between you both is paramount to recovery.

Start with changing GPs and getting that referral first off. You were mistreated by that family doctor and are entitled to a proper duty of care. Well done for recognising that there is an issue you need to sort out - that is the first, very important step.

Be brave and follow through with the research, phone calls and appointments. And don't be afraid to confide in a family member or friend x

Teyla Emmagan

You don't have to even speak your GP. Write/email saying you would like a referral letter to see the ED lady. State the blood tests you need and leave it at that. It will take him two minutes to write up, tops. Alternatively, every big city has walk in doctors- you just turn up and sit there until you are seen. Take a trip to Dublin or Cork for the day and come home with your letter.

Referral letters are total BS and they infuriate the life out of me.

Best of luck getting the help you need, you are doing the right thing.

Rachel79

comfortseeker wrote: »

I did find that the online chat room on bodywhys helped a lot too talking to others in the same situation. The chat-room runs every second Monday and Wednesday and you should definitely check it out.

Thanks for your post comfortseeker & for sharing your experience, although the more I hear the less I think ED's are taken seriously I had looked into bodywhys but there was no group in my area ( & to be honest I doubt I could sit in a room full of people) but will check out the online support. Thank you

Rachel79

beks101 wrote: »

Sorry you've had that experience with your GP, that's appalling and highly unprofessional.

TBH I struggled with an eating disorder and encountered a lot of the same. One of the country's "top eating disorder specialists" actually told me the reason he knew I wasn't anorexic was because my "eyes were bright and shiny" and I wasn't stick and bone. You couldn't make this up.

What worked for me in the end was finding a psychologist who took the focus from my weight and the food diaries and daily monitoring that that other fella wanted to run me through, and bringing it back to ME and what was going on inside my sad old head.

It was a long haul, took me years to get to the root of things and finally feel like I was "safe" enough to stop controlling my eating / exercising habits, and from there I saw a dietician for a while to make sure I was physically on the right path.

It IS possible for you, it will just take some time and a lot of hard work. If you don't gel with a counsellor, don't be afraid to walk away and start afresh. That relationship and trust between you both is paramount to recovery.

Start with changing GPs and getting that referral first off. You were mistreated by that family doctor and are entitled to a proper duty of care. Well done for recognising that there is an issue you need to sort out - that is the first, very important step.

Be brave and follow through with the research, phone calls and appointments. And don't be afraid to confide in a family member or friend x

Thanks beks101, it gives me hope that you found a counsellor who took the issue away from weight. I don't think I give a hoot about what I weigh if I was content in myself, then I would be healthy which at the minute I do not feel.

Counsellor I saw was an absolutely lovely woman but just couldn't have imagined telling her very much about what was going on. Hope you are doing well now x Thank you

Rachel79

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

You don't have to even speak your GP. Write/email saying you would like a referral letter to see the ED lady. State the blood tests you need and leave it at that. It will take him two minutes to write up, tops. Alternatively, every big city has walk in doctors- you just turn up and sit there until you are seen. Take a trip to Dublin or Cork for the day and come home with your letter.

Referral letters are total BS and they infuriate the life out of me.

Best of luck getting the help you need, you are doing the right thing.

Teyla, I took it from the ED counsellor that I would have to attend both her (weekly) & the GP (weekly/forthnightly) so that as she put it, my 'mental & phsyical health' were cared for. So am just wondering if I can get referral from walk in.

I can understand that people can't just start attending without some form of referral but it can be so frustrating, especially when it all but drained the life out me to pick up the phone & spill my guts, Unfortunately thats the system Hopefully will pick up the courage to ring her back & ask these Q's. Thanks for your help,

beks101

Rachel79 wrote: »

Thanks beks101, it gives me hope that you found a counsellor who took the issue away from weight. I don't think I give a hoot about what I weigh if I was content in myself, then I would be healthy which at the minute I do not feel.

Counsellor I saw was an absolutely lovely woman but just couldn't have imagined telling her very much about what was going on. Hope you are doing well now x Thank you

It's incredibly hard to articulate and slightly terrifying to have to to verbalize these incredibly private, secret things you've been doing and keeping to yourself for years.

Eating disorders thrive on secrecy - secretly starving, secretly bingeing, secretly obsessing, trying to hide your food fears and quirks and habits from people around you.

TBH to this day I still have moments where I'm overcome with emotion or anxiety or stress or whatever and I'll lapse into the secret habit again and have to check myself to slip back into normal eating habits. I think recovery is life-long in that sense, but once you've developed some tools and coping mechanisms you can re-programme your brain to a large extent.

A lot of this journey towards recovery will rely on that bravery to open your mouth and say, first of all, "I need help" and learning how to verbalize that from there on. Putting into words what these erratic food behaviours are doing for you, what they're helping you to deal with. Because the behaviours are there for a reason and getting to the root of that is a necessary and very painful part of the process.

You'll be brought back to your childhood, to painful patterns of thought that developed, painful experiences you went through, ideas about yourself being less worthy than you are that were somehow put in your lovely head along the way.

It will be long and it will be hard. I think for my first year of recovery, I was as fragile as a small child, mentally and emotionally. I recall occasions where I'd emerge from therapy and have to stop on the walk home to step in off the street because I'd be overcome by intense sobbing and just absolute despair.

It's tough, but in a sense, it's the most rewarding and self actualizing journey you can have and will teach you to really know yourself and respect yourself in a way you never did before. I now consider my eating problem an (often annoying!) blessing, as any time I come close to relapse, it's my body warning me that something is out of balance and I need to focus more acutely on staying healthy, stress-free and happy.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I guess I just wanted to tell you that I understand the fear of opening your mouth and trying to express this complicated world of pain and dysfunction you've created for yourself that you don't even consciously understand yourself. Counsellors and psychologists and therapists are trained to help you do exactly that though.

The very best of luck to you, I'll be thinking of you. You're not alone with this x

Rachel79

beks101 wrote: »

It's incredibly hard to articulate and slightly terrifying to have to to verbalize these incredibly private, secret things you've been doing and keeping to yourself for years.

Eating disorders thrive on secrecy - secretly starving, secretly bingeing, secretly obsessing, trying to hide your food fears and quirks and habits from people around you.

TBH to this day I still have moments where I'm overcome with emotion or anxiety or stress or whatever and I'll lapse into the secret habit again and have to check myself to slip back into normal eating habits. I think recovery is life-long in that sense, but once you've developed some tools and coping mechanisms you can re-programme your brain to a large extent.

A lot of this journey towards recovery will rely on that bravery to open your mouth and say, first of all, "I need help" and learning how to verbalize that from there on. Putting into words what these erratic food behaviours are doing for you, what they're helping you to deal with. Because the behaviours are there for a reason and getting to the root of that is a necessary and very painful part of the process.

You'll be brought back to your childhood, to painful patterns of thought that developed, painful experiences you went through, ideas about yourself being less worthy than you are that were somehow put in your lovely head along the way.

It will be long and it will be hard. I think for my first year of recovery, I was as fragile as a small child, mentally and emotionally. I recall occasions where I'd emerge from therapy and have to stop on the walk home to step in off the street because I'd be overcome by intense sobbing and just absolute despair.

It's tough, but in a sense, it's the most rewarding and self actualizing journey you can have and will teach you to really know yourself and respect yourself in a way you never did before. I now consider my eating problem an (often annoying!) blessing, as any time I come close to relapse, it's my body warning me that something is out of balance and I need to focus more acutely on staying healthy, stress-free and happy.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I guess I just wanted to tell you that I understand the fear of opening your mouth and trying to express this complicated world of pain and dysfunction you've created for yourself that you don't even consciously understand yourself. Counsellors and psychologists and therapists are trained to help you do exactly that though.

The very best of luck to you, I'll be thinking of you. You're not alone with this x

Beks, your post left me a little speechless because it hit such a chord, I was/am terrified of having to verbalise how this (ED or watever it is) manifests within me & has become part of my secret world and how I have become so manipulative when it comes to controlling my eating. I honestly felt that I couldn't possible describe to anyone all the 'dirty little secrets and habits' as I'm surely the only one who could be this disgusting.

The counsellor I saw briefly, did ask in depth about my childhood which I thought odd as I was attending as an adult with adult problems. You're post helped me understand a bit more that there is no quick fix & it may take as long to disappear/resolve as it took to get to where I am now.

I hope to God that I do have the courage to carry through with it as I found every excuse in the book not to make the call.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it has helped me realise that I am not the only person who is going through this. x

Fear Sneachta Ban

Finding a good gp can change your life. Not criticising the standard of gp's, just saying some have different ways or manners that suit some people more than others. Very few can cover all varieties of people, that's why you should change gp if you're not happy.
If you find one you can talk about your situation and get advice on different things. What steps to take, how you find the steps you've taken etc. You can talk to a counsellor about your problems but you can talk to your gp about the counselling.
Anyway, OP I hope you make the call to find the help you need. Also with counselling you can move on if you don't click with the person. I was told that this is part of their training and they wont mind.

Rachel79

Fear Sneachta Ban wrote: »

Finding a good gp can change your life. Not criticising the standard of gp's, just saying some have different ways or manners that suit some people more than others. Very few can cover all varieties of people, that's why you should change gp if you're not happy.
If you find one you can talk about your situation and get advice on different things. What steps to take, how you find the steps you've taken etc. You can talk to a counsellor about your problems but you can talk to your gp about the counselling.
Anyway, OP I hope you make the call to find the help you need. Also with counselling you can move on if you don't click with the person. I was told that this is part of their training and they wont mind.

I know what you mean about GPs, my current one is a lovely man but I think because in a tight knit place like where I live & he knows the family & me well, he just thought bit of a rough patch, she'll come out the other side. I do know however that I need to find another GP or grow a pair and demand that he refer me if only for assessment, can't see that happening!

You're right about Counsellors not minding, the lady I saw couldn't have been nicer when I left & told me not to give up. think I just saw her as somebody I couldn't drag into this & had to protect.

Thanks for all the advice, it really means a lot.