Feel Ungrateful

LegacyUser

Sorry if this is confusing, I'll do my best to keep it short.

I am the youngest in a large family and I suppose I've always been the 'baby'. My first job was working with my mother, my second was gotten for my by my aunt. During college I went to work for my brother but left after about a year because it wasn't what I wanted to do. I worked in a shop for six weeks before my brother offered me a different job in his company and I worked for him until it closed down seven years later. I have been out of work for two years.

I have had difficulty finding work since. I've had a few weeks' temping here and there, but nothing permanent. My mother has tried to pressure me into going and working for my brother in his new business, I tried to deflect the issue but wound up having a row with her and eventually just confessing that I don't want to work for a family member, that because you work for your family you're never not at work because it invariably comes up at family gatherings, and that a job you don't want but feel obliged to take isn't one you'll do well at.

The problem now is my brother. He accepts that I don't want to work for him (though he wants me to), but he keeps trying to find me jobs with his friends. Last night he called me and instructed me to call a phone number of someone we worked with previously (we'll call him M) about a job and report back to him. It was like he'd already told M that I'd be taking it. The conversation with M went "You'll be doing X and you'll be doing Y...", and when I called my brother back he started telling me "You'll have to get your qualifications renewed. Call R on this number to set up training and get back to me".

I haven't called R. I haven't set up training. I don't want the job. I haven't called my brother back. He's called me twice and I haven't answered, which I know is cowardly of me but I can't face answering and sounding ungrateful for him having done this. I know that I need a job, and do I want to work, it's just that all my life my family has told me what to do, where to go, arranged jobs for me, and I feel useless. I'm 32 and I've never had a job I got on my own merit. I realise I sound like an ingrate "Oh, poor me, my family looks out for me and uses their contacts to find me work, what a bunch of bastards" but I feel angry that my brother couldn't have just told me that he'd heard M was looking for someone and then left it to me whether I was interested in applying or not. It's like they think "I'd better arrange a job for her because she's too useless to get one herself".

Do ye have any advice on how I could approach my brother, to let him know that while I'm grateful that he's looking out for me he needs to butt out and stop trying to arrange everything for me?

LegacyUser

I think you are over-reacting a lot. I was surprised to read that you were 32, not 22 tbh.

Simple solution: if you don't want to work with your family or have them help you, get your own job. If you haven't succeeded in doing that in 2 years of unemployment, maybe you do need their help. Why wouldn't you take a job and look for a job you prefer while you are actually working?

thegreatgonzo

Well I think you already know what you want to say, you are grateful that he is helping you but those jobs aren't for you. What I think you need is to be able to show them that you have a plan for yourself.
Your post is fairly long and quite detailed except you never mentioned any aspirations of your own, even your college course was just mentioned in passing. I'm only working on what you have written above, so maybe I've got it all wrong. What would you actually like to do? Can you show your family that you are taking steps to get the type of job you want?

Merkin

This isn't a trick question or anything but do you mind me asking what steps you have actually taken in procuring a job for yourself? I'm just curious, if everything has always been done for you and arranged by extended family members, I'm wondering if you actually possess the tools necessary to job hunt effectively? What have you been doing yourself over two years to look for a job yourself?

Penny Tration

I'm probably going to sound very harsh here, but -

You've been unemployed for two years, bar a few weeks temp work, and you're turning down job offers?

I could understand it if you were unemployed for a few months, but I really think that's taking the p!ss.

I don't like working with family, but I got my sister a job in the company I work for, because she was unemployed for two months and she jumped at it. It's not ideal working with family, but it's a hell of a lot better than unemployment!

Are you claiming social welfare? If so, you are defrauding the system by not accepting work.

The longer the gap on your cv, the harder it will be to get a job. You can look for a job you prefer while working for family, it's not like working for them has to be a ppermanent thing.

Tbh I think you sound extremely ungrateful. People are crying out for jobs, but you won't take one just because it involves family? I really think you need to drop the pride and accept what you can get since there have been no other job offers (from what you've said) for two years.

Tokyo

OP, from what you have written, it sounds like you have been lucky enough to have had an awful lot handed to you throughout your life, and I have to admit, you do come across as quite ungrateful. I appreciate that you want to do things your own way, but you don't really mention any efforts that you have made to procure a job yourself in the last two years. Other than a couple of temping positions, there's no mention of interviews, no mention of what field you want to work in, etc.

Your brother has offered you a job. And has accepted the fact that you don't want to work for him. And has gone out of his way to ask his friends if they have work for you. TBH, considering the current climate, most people would jump at the chance of a job, particularly one that is being dropped in their lap. It's not a good climate for jobs as you are aware of, and despite what you may think, you don't get to pick and choose, and sit on your hands until the perfect job comes along. Sometimes you have to take what's out there.

How are you living at the moment if you are out of work? I can only imagine that you are either living at home off your family, or getting social welfare? Do you think that either of those situations are fair on others?? One is fraud, the other is just using people. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from taking the job that is being offered to you, while you wait for your ideal job to come along.

thefeatheredcat

ingrate wrote: »

it's just that all my life my family has told me what to do, where to go, arranged jobs for me, and I feel useless. I'm 32 and I've never had a job I got on my own merit.

How much control do you feel you have over your life OP, outside of this particular issue?

I think you will just have to bite the bullet and call or meet up with your brother and be upfront and honest particularly explaining to him that you've never got a job on your own merit and something you feel - if I understand correctly? - that this is something you feel you need to do.

You can't avoid your brother indefinitely, and while he may have arranged everything with what seems perhaps not entirely consulting you, M and R need to be in the know what the situation is.

Thegreatgonzo pointed out there was no mention of your aspirations - which I noticed - and I wondered too, as Merkin did, about if you have the tools to find suitable employment. What have you considered for yourself, what would you like to do and what efforts have you made, or have you considered studying?

I would doubt that your brother or other siblings would think you're useless in finding a job for yourself. I'd see it as more being protective of you, just they want to look out for you. Could very well be doing it for you because they know how hard it is themselves to go through all the hoops and interviews and get nowhere and want to make it easier for you.

I don't think there's any way you can raise the issue without causing offense, really, but just be tactful in conveying that you feel you need to find something on your own merit, but that you're open to discussing what you want to do and finding if you're missing tools or need support in finding yourself a job and if he would be open in helping you out that way, like for example, going through interview techniques or helping you piece together how you get to where you want to go and what qualifications you need, or with what training you've had could be useful to upskill or refresh upon.

Stavro Mueller

Your biggest concern at the moment should be that you've got a 2 year gap in your CV, not who's offering you a job. I can understand why you'd not want to work for your family or their friends but really, you've got bigger fish to fry. Why not take the job, then start working on a plan to get another job elsewhere? I'm sure you've heard the old cliché that it's easier to get a job if you're in a job. Why put hardship on yourself if you're competing with other people for jobs?

OP once you have a job it'll be easier to get others. Far easier. Take the job.
I appreciate you are feeling useless but after 2 years of unemployment, now is not the time to make a stand and lose a potential job. It'll open up doors and give you some confidence back. And if yo don't like it, you'll find other ones much quicker.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know you'd prefer to get your own job, but at 32, with 2 years unemployment under your belt, it is something you've never managed to do. So why struggle on the dole just for pride's sake?

Do you want to work? If you do, why are you cutting off your nose to spite your face? Your brother isn't doing any of this out of badness, or to undermine you. He, believe it or not, thinks he is helping you. You are letting a misguided sense of pride steer you here. Do you live at home, or are you renting your own place? If you live at home, think of the independence you can achieve by having a wage, rather than the dole to move into your own place. That would be the first step towards showing your family you are not "the baby". If you are already renting, think of how much easier it would be with a wage rather than dole money.

I hope you were just in bad form when you posted, and that is why you appeared very ungrateful. Because the alternative is, despite all your protestations of wanting to prove yourself capable and independent, it would seem that you are in fact still stuck in that sulky teenage phase of "everyone is at me", but not really all that interested in leaving your home comforts and making your own life.

I know that sounds harsh, but I hope you understand where I am coming from in saying it.

LegacyUser

You are being a bit ungrateful OP to be honest and there are loads of people who would be delighted to be given a job. I can see where you are coming from with wanting to be independent but in reality you don't really have much choice at the moment.

Why don't you take take this job and use it to get a years experience under your belt and try to get other employment on your own then. As a matter of interest, what have you been doing to try to get employment in the past two years? It is very hard out there as I well know but maybe your family feel you need a bit of a push to get going again.

thegreatgonzo

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

How much control do you feel you have over your life OP, outside of this particular issue?
QUOTE]

This comment jumped out at me, I wondered about it too.
I was in a similar situation once after I was made redundant and a family member stepped in with an offer of some work. It wasn't for me, and as it was family, there were no fixed hours and no formal wage arrangement. Although the gesture was meant with the best intentions, after a couple of months it was driving me crazy. I felt I had handed control of my own life over to someone else. However, I found something I wanted to do and moved away to retrain. It wasn't easy but it was a risk worth taking.

I think some of the comments here were a bit harsh, you've been unemployed for a long time and it skews your sense of perspective and you make the wrong decisions. It doesn't mean you are a lazy freeloading fraudster though. But you have really got to get soul searching to find a direction and you can do that while taking this job you don't like. It doesn't have to be forever.