Abuse Victim and the family response . .

Visitor123

I heard a story about a girl who was sexually abused a few times by her stepfather before she was a teenager. The man pleaded guilty and went to jail.

The girls story is that she has lost her family as a result. Her mother took back the abuser (after initially throwing him out) and the girl felt isolated.

From what I can gather the girl has gone a little off the rails, but it seems understandable considering the trauma she has gone through and indeed the response of her family. I also read somewhere that the family are trying to quieten the girl down because they don't like all the publicity its getting and are concerned about the effect it might have on her younger brothers.

Just wondering what other peoples thoughts are on this. My own view is that in the case of a child being sexual abuse the only person that matters is the victim. If they feel the need to make public their trauma, then please god it gives them some sense of peace on this matter.

I could be wrong, but I get the impression the family are trying to quieten down the girl because they are embarrassed by the whole affair and don't want the family name dragged through the mud. They are using the young children excuse to disguise the fact that they are (whether intentional or not) protecting the anonymity of the abuser.

Do you think its more important for the abused person to show consideration to her younger brothers or do you feel she is right to publically air her story?

thattequilagirl

Interesting first post.

Dravokivich

She has the right as the victim to public disclosure. Anonymity of such cases are intended to protect them, but it is also their choice if they wish to bring it forward publically.

rawn

thattequilagirl wrote: »

Interesting first post.

The fourth post is my favorite.

foggy_lad

Should there not be concern for her younger siblings? How young are they? Many abusers of children will abuse male and female, whoever is available at the time.

Muise...

Is this one of those exercises you'd get in religion class, in which you only have room for 3 in a boat to rescue people from a desert island surrounded by sharks and there's a pregnant woman, a strongman, a priest and a fluffy lickle kitten?

TheShizz

I think it is a horrible situation for the girl, or any victim of sexual abuse to find themselves in. It seems like there is a major confliction between wanting to out this scumbag - and he is an absolute f*cking scumbag - and wanting to shield her younger siblings.

Having said that, I think the girl in question needs to protect her brothers by any means necessary, and this is difficult if she stays quiet and allows the siblings to presumably live under the same roof as a convicted paedophile.

Merkin

I heard a story about a girl

From what I can gather

I also read somewhere

So did you hear the story, and if so from whom?

Or is it a hypothetical situation?

Or if you read the story, can you post a link?

Penny Dreadful

deleted

TheShizz

Why do I absolutely despise such a high volume of people on this website.

Merkin's post makes me quite angry. What do you get out of it mate? You're hinting at something that everybody else is thinking. Well done.

Why attack somebody who might be referring to her own experiences like? It's such a horrible thing to do. Same goes for that "interesting first post" jibe. Jesus christ. Do yourselves a favour and buy a game of Cluedo because both of your detective skills are wasted on here.

Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I mean that. Despicable and I wish I could articulate it better.

Visitor123

Merkin wrote: »

So did you hear the story, and if so from whom?

Or is it a hypothetical situation?

Or if you read the story, can you post a link?

Its a true story and the information is factually accurate..

I understand that to say this on a forum without qualifying it is about as credible as saying that I am able to fly, but the victim hasn't asked me to "promote" what happened to them anymore then they have done themselves, so I do not want to presume they would appreciate me disclosing who they are.

I feel awful for the abused child but I am posting here for myself so I do not want to post any links or specifics as I am not sure if this will antagonise the situation any further.

I just find it hard to understand/accept how a family could turn on the victim and how its right that the victim is now the outcast . .

Merkin

Visitor123 wrote: »

Its a true story and the information is factually accurate..

I understand that to say this on a forum without qualifying it is about as credible as saying that I am able to fly, but the victim hasn't asked me to "promote" what happened to them anymore then they have done themselves, so I do not want to presume they would appreciate me disclosing who they are.

I feel awful for the abused child but I am posting here for myself so I do not want to post any links or specifics as I am not sure if this will antagonise the situation any further.

I just find it hard to understand/accept how a family could turn on the victim and how its right that the victim is now the outcast . .

Fair enough, I wasn't sure. Cheers for clarification.

Muise...

TheShizz wrote: »

Why do I absolutely despise such a high volume of people on this website.

Merkin's post makes me quite angry. What do you get out of it mate? You're hinting at something that everybody else is thinking. Well done.

Why attack somebody who might be referring to her own experiences like? It's such a horrible thing to do. Same goes for that "interesting first post" jibe. Jesus christ. Do yourselves a favour and buy a game of Cluedo because both of your detective skills are wasted on here.

Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I mean that. Despicable and I wish I could articulate it better.

I disagree. OP is vague and weird and definitely in the wrong forum. Also, calm down.

eviltwin

How long ago did this happen? I suppose coming from the point of view of an abuse survivor myself I would get the girl some expert help. Sometimes there is a feeling of wanting to shout to the world "x did this" and bring all that shame and judgement on him or her but you might not be really thinking clearly about the impact on yourself.

I know I felt for a long time I wanted my abuser named and shamed and in the end didn't go down that road because the fall out from that is that everyone then knows I'm a victim and long term I don't want that to be publically known. It was only when I got support that I was able to let it go.

Don't be too quick to judge her family either, they may feel in some way that by doing nothing they are actually helping her move on. There is always more than one victim when the abuser is someone in the family and they might all benefit from talking to a professional.

She sounds like she needs someone to step in and help her get her life back together. At the very least she should be getting some counselling to help her come to terms with what happened.

razorblunt

TheShizz wrote: »

Why do I absolutely despise such a high volume of people on this website.

Merkin's post makes me quite angry. What do you get out of it mate? You're hinting at something that everybody else is thinking. Well done.

Why attack somebody who might be referring to her own experiences like? It's such a horrible thing to do. Same goes for that "interesting first post" jibe. Jesus christ. Do yourselves a favour and buy a game of Cluedo because both of your detective skills are wasted on here.

Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I mean that. Despicable and I wish I could articulate it better.

Relax. After Hours is not the place for a serious discussion about this kind of topic. Fair enought the OP looks like a "visitor" but they must surely have sourced the best place to post this, where they would have seen the Personal Issues Forum, but instead choose After Hours for some reason.

The post is therefore right to be questioned.

Visitor123

foggy_lad wrote: »

Should there not be concern for her younger siblings? How young are they? Many abusers of children will abuse male and female, whoever is available at the time.

The man was convicted and sentenced so I presume he is on the register list and that he will be monitored . It seems like the authorities do not see him as a threat to anybody else.

Visitor123

razorblunt wrote: »

Relax. After Hours is not the place for a serious discussion about this kind of topic. Fair enought the OP looks like a "visitor" but they must surely have sourced the best place to post this, where they would have seen the Personal Issues Forum, but instead choose After Hours for some reason.

The post is therefore right to be questioned.

I don't mind being questioned and felt this was the perfect forum to bring up the topic.

Anybody going to the "personal issues" forum wants to discuss personal issues and is probably more personally effected by these things. I am upset for the victim, not myself so I don't feel the need to discuss another persons pain where most people go to discuss their own feelings/stories.

After hours is for everybody, including people who are less informed on sexual abuse and the impact it can have on victims and families. I felt that given I was specifically focusing on the child being made the outcast, it would be helpful to see if there are many people who can understand or discuss how a family can do this.

TheShizz

razorblunt wrote: »

Relax. After Hours is not the place for a serious discussion about this kind of topic. Fair enought the OP looks like a "visitor" but they must surely have sourced the best place to post this, where they would have seen the Personal Issues Forum, but instead choose After Hours for some reason.

The post is therefore right to be questioned.

Great, but this doesn't explain the random attacks, does it?

I don't understand why the OP could not have been told, in a polite manner, that there was a better forum available for this kind of discussion, rather than being attacked within three minutes of the initial post for being disingenuous in regards to the story.

razorblunt

Visitor123 wrote: »

I don't mind being questioned and felt this was the perfect forum to bring up the topic.

Anybody going to the "personal issues" forum wants to discuss personal issues and is probably more personally effected by these things. I am upset for the victim, not myself so I don't feel the need to discuss another persons pain where most people go to discuss their own feelings/stories.

After hours is for everybody, including people who are less informed on sexual abuse and the impact it can have on victims and families. I felt that given I was specifically focusing on the child being made the outcast, it would be helpful to see if there are many people who can understand or discuss how a family can do this.

I agree, I was highlighting that you'd expect a certain questioning attitude for the guy below more than an issue with the posting anywhere.

TheShizz wrote: »

Great, but this doesn't explain the random attacks, does it?

I don't understand why the OP could not have been told, in a polite manner, that there was a better forum available for this kind of discussion, rather than being attacked within three minutes of the initial post for being disingenuous in regards to the story.

None of those posts are anywhere near what you'd expect from AH in fairness. OP didn't seem to take offence, you shouldn't offence for him/her.

Anyways this is off topic.

Visitor123

Visitor123 wrote: »

I just find it hard to understand/accept how a family could turn on the victim and how its right that the victim is now the outcast . .

If the abuser was a father figure/provider in the family, and the other family members were happy with the arrangement, there is probably an element of shooting the messenger, although that's probably not how they think of it.

Before the abuse was disclosed, they probably thought everything was rosy in the garden and life was pretty good. After the disclosure, the upheaval of him being kicked out, the possible financial impact, the gossip and speculation, dealing with the abused child acting out - all those things would have made life harder in the short term. People resent, even if they don't mean to. Sometimes they even blame the victim to some extent, allowing themselves believe they are somehow complicit too. I've heard stories of the victims families cite things like the child being too affectionate and leading the abuser to take liberties as a means of diffusing blame. Victim blaming is a very common phenonema.


There is also the ingrained shame involved with sex crimes. It's not isolated to the perpetrator, the victim acquires shame alongside other mental scars. The family extends that shame, because there has been sexual misconduct and it's involved a family member - not all families, but some.

It's a many faceted thing, there's never a simple ending where the abuse ends and everyone lives happily ever after.


ETA: In response to the bolded bit - It is never right that the victim is outcast.

JustAddWater

Muise... wrote: »

Is this one of those exercises you'd get in religion class, in which you only have room for 3 in a boat to rescue people from a desert island surrounded by sharks and there's a pregnant woman, a strongman, a priest and a fluffy lickle kitten?

Wouldn't want to be that priest....

Muise...

TheShizz wrote: »

Great, but this doesn't explain the random attacks, does it?

I don't understand why the OP could not have been told, in a polite manner, that there was a better forum available for this kind of discussion, rather than being attacked within three minutes of the initial post for being disingenuous in regards to the story.

They were neither random nor attacks. Nothing wrong with seeking clarity. You're the one on the offensive.