PLEASE HELP.... My boyfriend never wants sex, it's becoming a huge problem ! Would re

Superwoman91

I'm in a relationship with my partner nearly 6 years and living with him 3 years we are both in our early-mid 20s and healthy... Sex at the beginning was great (honeymoon) period, I expected it to slow... I soon realised that is sex drive is becoming less and less, we have a fantastic relationship, we laugh joke, and basically never argue.. The only thing is the sex issue it blows up into roaring fights !... It mainly went downhill when we first moved in and I found the downturn in his want for sex hard to come to terms with, and he would say no if I tried to initiate that he's too tired so on so forth, ( mind you he has been unemployed with no forms of stress in his life ) I got to the point were if be in bed waiting night after night and when nothing happened I would lose my head and start arguments, this happened I would say on 8-10 occasions over 1.5 years... I gave up trying to intiate sex, it's was a blow every time he said no !! Overall he's not a very affectionate person no hugs or kisses anything like that, but on a regular basis I would hug and sit on his lap, kiss him mess with him... Is never reciprocated ! It's gotten to the point were anything we disagree about he turns back to how he can't deal with the sex problem we have, apparently lies in bed mind racing over weather I'm looking for it or not, cause he doesn't want it... He tried to fight with me over the fact I never intiate it now or that I take to long once the lights are off to intiate and he's turned off then (15 mins) he doesn't accept that I've self esteem issues and that I'm afraid to start sex cause he'll say now... ( I've taken his advice on board and tried to start more often but he always finds another argument) I.e I take to long and now he doesn't want it .... I'm feeling lost hurt and alone now at this stage.. He has even gone through periods of making me feel like a sex maniac which I'm far from... 2 times a week and I would be delighted, as it stands we can go a month without ! I have tried to find scenarios, and majorly kept my feelings out of it, cause when I bring how I feel into anything he goes off on one, how I try to make it all about me and that I don't care what he's going through, I have said maybe take a break, separate bedrooms for a while so he can get uninterrupted sleep, speak to a doctor !!! None of these suit him !! Yet he's not brave enough to finish the relationship ,.! And also won't give suggestions on how fix, tries his hardest to ignore it till he has me laughing and happy again, so he feels off the hook untill it comes to a night were he knows I'm wanting it and he doesn't ........... I know he loves me I don't doubt it, but this is to hard to deal with on my own anymore... Please help

Addle

Well unemployment can be a stress in itself.

Has he any medical issues?
Is he on any medication?

Any chance he's getting it elsewhere?

Superwoman91

Addle wrote: »

Well unemployment can be a stress in itself.

Has he any medical issues?
Is he on any medication?

Any chance he's getting it elsewhere?

I compleatly understand unemployment is hard and rarely having money, we seem to be always paying bills and never have money to do anything, I'm also unemployed for the last 4 months and graduated in November with an hons degree in psychology, which he has told while arguing it was a waste of 4 years what good was it when I couldn't walk straight into a job after !! I'm supportive in that he has a hobby and I encourage he does it but that eventually he makes time for me in between, he hunts wildlife, and can make money from it, he keeps him busy and happy but it's only seasonal ..!

He can get down about money as much as I can but we tend to pull ourselves out of that state of mind quickly !

I could nearly be 100% that he's not getting it anywhere else. If he's not with me he's always near by !! He's not very sociable he doesn't go to pubs or clubs or out with friends, only out when he's over with his dad on farm or with cousins !

Also, he has been unemployed since we met, from making 1000 a week in the boom to no job ! He's not a bum he's always trying to make money... But won't look for jobs and send cvs out, almost expects jobs to be given to him and he to be sought after of something, he's one of many who left school at 16 a jack off all trades but unfortunatly that's no good in this day and age ...

He never really talks about how he's feeling about something, but the anger comes out when we argue, like my sister and I are trying to see if it would be possible for us to set up a viable business in the near future with inheritance we have gotten, I involved him in our thoughts, the only way it won't work is enough capital.. Mid comverstaion/ argument he told me I was stupid and we were never going to be able to open a business and I shouldn't bother ..!

He has no medical problems and he's not on medication..

He's not supportive what so ever.. And no matter what we may be talking about that might get heated, he brings it back to sex

Addle

Maybe he's depressed.

Why do you choose to go out with him?

Amirani

Mod

Hi OP, I'm moving your thread to Relationship Issues as it's a better location for what you're discussing. Best of luck.

cruais

You are clearly not happy and to be honest with you, I wouldn't be too happy with his replies if I were you.

My solution would be to end things. He doesnt seem happy either and doesnt seem to have grown a set to end things himself.

Superwoman91

Addle wrote: »

Maybe he's depressed.

Why do you choose to go out with him?

Depression has crossed my mind, but he's to big headed to admit he might need help and go to a doctor, do I push this and really try make him go?

I'm with him because I'm still madly in love with him and can't image being with anyone else, on a day to day basis he is great to me, there is nothing he wouldn't do or give me... So I argue the fact he's so good to me with, is sex a big enough reason to end six years

Superwoman91

cruais wrote: »

You are clearly not happy and to be honest with you, I wouldn't be too happy with his replies if I were you.

My solution would be to end things. He doesnt seem happy either and doesnt seem to have grown a set to end things himself.

I have strongly contemplated ending it, and I know he would leave without a fight, he's the type where it takes time for the implications of an argument to set in, after he's blown up and said these things hours later when he knows I'm still annoyed he will take blame and apologies !

We have been through an awful lot and I still love him with all my heart., that my natural instincts are telling me to fight for it,

He also won't end it cause he wouldn't have the blame in him for ending it, he ended it when we where only a year together, and knows that once he walks away I took him back once but I'm to headstrong when I've been hurt.... I don't think I could take him back a second time

Tokyo

OP, what you're really asking is "Should I stay with him if he doesn't make me happy?" What do you think the answer to that question is?

What stands out to me most is that, other than the honeymoon period in the beginning, you say you always try to initiate sex, and he isn't interested. And that he isn't very affectionate in general. While there is sex therapy and the like to help couples that are sexually incompatible, this doesn't sound like just a case of your partner needing to learn technique or seduction - it sounds like he doesn't have a sex drive in the first place.

For me, that would be the clincher, because you can't create that sexual need if it's not there, and you will eventually become very resentful about not being sexually compatible and may look for it elsewhere. What happens if you get married and then you meet a guy who pushes all your buttons the right way?

My guess is that this will always be a problem for the two of you. I guess whether or not you stay with him will depend on whether you can live with this longterm or not.

IrishEyes19

op,maybe you have to be the one to end the relationship if it cant be fixed. you dont need his permission to be honest. a sexless relationship is a friendship, sex really is the defining factor between friends and more than friends

tara73

big chance I will be slated for this here, but is there the possibility he is gay?

don't know him or you, just in case it never came to your mind...

Superwoman91

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

op,maybe you have to be the one to end the relationship if it cant be fixed. you dont need his permission to be honest. a sexless relationship is a friendship, sex really is the defining factor between friends and more than friends

Awh gosh I've worn out that line "there's such a thin line between a great friendship and relationship and sex is the definer" I've said it so many times the thing is he says he wants to fix, tells me the problem is that I don't start the sex quick enough for him so on so forth, so I try change for it to suit him but bottom line if he's not in the mood he will say no regardless of my feelings and it NEVER crosses his mind that his no's batter my self esteem... Like bringing it to brass tax if you asked a friend to meet up for coffee let's say, and they said no, without any reasoning and then no the next time you asked and no the next time... And they only went with you when they decided they felt like regardless of your feelings on their constant no's to your offers... You'd probably fall out of friendship.... But when love is involved it's so difficult we have been through things most relationships will never go through and he was my strength through so much.... Like sex happens but he told me in not so many words that it's really only when it suits him but yet he said he knows that's not right

Brego888

Ok then let's cut to the chase. Assuming he is not going to change, can you continue in this relationship?

ElleEm

Does he know how big of a deal this is for you? I just wonder if he knew that you were at the end of your tether, going on the internet looking for advice, questioning your relationship- would he then go to a doctor to have a chat about it?

As you said yourself, the frequency of sex decreased after you moved in together, so either he just stopped making an effort, or it was a coincidence that his libido dipped when your relationship became more serious.

The biggest issue is that you have been sexually incompatible for a long time now. It is up to him to do something about it- or else he runs the risk of losing you. You need to make that very clear.

If you peruse the RI threads, you will see an abundance of posts from men and women who are in relationships or marriages for YEARS where the lack of sex has become a huge issue. You don't want to be here in ten or twenty years having spent your life being sexually rejected.

Superwoman91

tara73 wrote: »

big chance I will be slated for this here, but is there the possibility he is gay?

don't know him or you, just in case it never came to your mind...

I have questioned that, he's EXTREAMLY alpha male, mans man... He's somewhat homophobic also, and he never comments on women or how they look, he also recently when I asked about his past sexual history refused point blank to tell me anything, on the basis he feels uncomfortable talking bout it, I know for a fact he's had a minimum of 7 partners all women and apparently he was a compleatly boys boy when he was in his late teens early twentys and a trouble make big time, I don't know that person tho, I never seen that person and never had that person in my life and local people have told me he is a compleatly different person since we started our relationship.... Something that's also come to mind is that he was severely depressed as a young child 12 ... I'm afraid that maybe this is a big thing ? Would he still have it he doesn't talk or deal with anything it's bottled ? I wonder is depression something he's prone to ? He's said he will go to the doctors hopefully this will answer something

Superwoman91

ElleEm wrote: »

Does he know how big of a deal this is for you? I just wonder if he knew that you were at the end of your tether, going on the internet looking for advice, questioning your relationship- would he then go to a doctor to have a chat about it?

As you said yourself, the frequency of sex decreased after you moved in together, so either he just stopped making an effort, or it was a coincidence that his libido dipped when your relationship became more serious.

The biggest issue is that you have been sexually incompatible for a long time now. It is up to him to do something about it- or else he runs the risk of losing you. You need to make that very clear.

If you peruse the RI threads, you will see an abundance of posts from men and women who are in relationships or marriages for YEARS where the lack of sex has become a huge issue. You don't want to be here in ten or twenty years having spent your life being sexually rejected.

The thing is, it's usually me that brings up my frustrations of lack of sex and arguing with him, this time we were talking about something different totally we disagreed got a little heated on his behalf and it leads to him saying " I can't take this anymore it's to hard between not sleeping over sex and what not, I'm finished il pack my things and leave" as far as I was concerned we had somewhat met a middle ground on sex, that it was roughly once every week/ 10 days and that generally kept me somewhat happy, I didn't need to argue for it... Twice a week and as far as I'm concerned our relationship in nearly every way would them be perfect, it's not just me that has the issue, it's a constant worry in his head at night that I might want sex and he doesn't and it keeps his head going 90 and obviously that would wear anyone out theres nothing worse than not being able to switch off ..! He doesn't like me taking to my family or friends about it as that's not something he does and he's very private, and it often gets thrown into an argument that "I go off and tell and tell everyone about what's going on and it's no ones business" he doesn't like people thinking bad of him ..! Like from the outside everyone loves him, "we're the most perfect, ideal couple and match " I've put it on the table for him to got to the doctor cause I'm at breaking point and there's something much bigger than I can deal with now, and that this can only end if it's not somewhat taken care of, he has agreed but I'm afraid like every time he will be fine and dandy and he will want sex in the next night or two and then as far as he's concerned everything is fine again... 6 years together, I don't want to be fighting the same fight at 30 with two kids and mortgage in hand

LegacyUser

Superwoman91 wrote: »

when I asked about his past sexual history refused point blank to tell me anything, on the basis he feels uncomfortable talking bout it, I know for a fact he's had a minimum of 7 partners all women and apparently he was a compleatly boys boy when he was in his late teens early twentys and a trouble make big time, I don't know that person tho, I never seen that person and never had that person in my life and local people have told me he is a compleatly different person since we started our relationship.... Something that's also come to mind is that he was severely depressed as a young child 12 ... I'm afraid that maybe this is a big thing ? Would he still have it he doesn't talk or deal with anything it's bottled ? I wonder is depression something he's prone to ? He's said he will go to the doctors hopefully this will answer something

Hi, I feel the need to go unreg on this. Some of this is like looking in the mirror so I feel the need to share my experience to give you some perspective. However, I'm struggling to understand the rest.....
My & my BF are a little older - in our 30's, he's in his late 30's. After about 2 years together his sex drive started to go down. For the sake of not repeating things - ours conversations would have been along the exact same lines as yours.
He went to the doc because I pleaded with him to do something. Seems he was suffering from mild anxiety but blaming the libido on his getting older. He's on pills for that now, which funny enough worsened his sex drive, but again, he's gone back to the doc to try and counteract that. He's slowly weaning off the pills and it has made a difference. I've come to realise we'll never have the same sex drive however which is fine, but with compromise we're doing much better (because we both want to). I've learned to back off so that he doesn't feel like when he so much as cuddles I'm going to want it. I do things to put him in the mood like show up in the sitting room in lingerie or something. We try to time it better - he's too tired often in bed at night so we might try after work or sat/sun mornings. It's been working really well, and it's become more about the quality of the sex, which is great, rather than the frequency.

Maybe you can take something from that?

Now. Two observations I've made however that differ here:
1 - You seem to be in a very defeatist mood about this and breaking up has been mentioned several times. That to me says that you/he are gone past working at it and are fed up and want out? If so there's no point advising you on how to compromise or what you guys can do to help. Just rip off the plaster and get it over with.
2 - The "tiny" detail of his depression as a young fella. To me that seems like a massive elephant in the room that hasn't been dealt with and if you looked into this you'd immediately find that this could be the number 1 source of your problem here. If so, sex is the least of your problems and as much as he doesn't want to, he needs to get therapy for whatever happened - this stuff doesn't just go away. Frankly, the fact that you're aware of this, but bringing the sex issue to the forefront as being your most pressing issue to deal with as a couple, is just selfish. And believe me I know how it feels to be turned down etc etc etc but this is so much more important!!??!!! It WILL NOT go away, even if your sex was to magically improve. This will haunt him unless dealt with. I know you said he won't get help but as I said, THIS is your most pressing issue however you wish to try to persuade him.
3 - Alot of lads don't want to get into their sexual history for many reasons. The biggest being it doesn't serve any purpose or do anyone any good. My fella was a right lad when he was younger- he's not now. Does that mean he's gay or has sexual issues? No. It means he loves me. Do I want to hear about that sexual history? Absolutely not! Get over that and move on. It's a time waster.

Superwoman91

I'm so glad to see that unlike a lot of people here suggesting breaking up you a person who as experienced being in love and not wanting to throw things away just because of sex !! First of all, it's him who brings up that we should break up, never me... It's like if an argument heats in any way the only thing he can say to hurt me is that he is finished and going to leave.. He never does it's in the moment... Secondly I'm the one to always worry about him, bully him to go to docs when something is wrong with him so on so forth, he is EXTREAMLY head strong and there is only so much you can try help someone when they are blatantly willing to nothing about it.. He doesn't speak of the depression as a child very often I know as a kid he did speak to someone and I know it all stems from a nasty split up between parents, this is not something that is displayed usually by him so I don't know how it's being selfish, I've tried to get him to speak to someone, councillor, doc, anyone.! But he won't do it.. The only time he shows anger upset, past problems is when we hit an argument, and we only argue about sex.... I've had to bring it to a head and say i will split from him if he doeant see a doc or speak to someone cause there is clearly underlining problems and he has a hard time letting things go, and that he just may be prone to depression and whether he likes that, it effects is both !!! That's not being selfish it's now worse case scenario as I've tried asking, tried dealing and tried sorting through his issues and it's a brick wall unfortunatly, the way I see it if I didn't love and adore him I wouldn't ware myself out arguing the same point and arguing for him to get help,... Thirdly the past sexual experiences is just something I found strange that he wouldn't speak about... Iv have dropped it as far as I can see if there's something I don't like and he tells me, that stuff can't be taken back and it's in the past so leave it .... I dropped it and I'm just merely throwing it out there for other opinions ...

I really appreciate your post and I have hope for us, I rarely give up easy ! He's going to see a doctor that's a start of us repairing what we have

Eeden

Superwoman91 wrote: »

...he would say no if I tried to initiate that he's too tired so on so forth

... He tried to fight with me over the fact I never intiate it now or that I take to long once the lights are off to intiate and he's turned off then (15 mins)

I've taken his advice on board and tried to start more often but he always finds another argument)...

I take to long and now he doesn't want it ....

he feels off the hook untill it comes to a night were he knows I'm wanting it and he doesn't ...

This seems so strange to me. He doesn't want sex and blames you when you initiate sex and also blames you when you are too slow to initiate sex? And he never initiates sex himself? This seems like a big problem to me.

Ham Sambo

Stress, money worries or anxiety can lead to a complete and utter disinterest in sex, perhaps you can try and see if any of the above is causing him any worries.

Boombastic

He gives out when you don't initiate it within his timeframe?


Have you asked him why he feels it's your responsibility to initiate it the whole time?

LegacyUser

Superwoman91 wrote: »

I'm so glad to see that unlike a lot of people here suggesting breaking up you a person who as experienced being in love and not wanting to throw things away just because of sex !! First of all, it's him who brings up that we should break up, never me... It's like if an argument heats in any way the only thing he can say to hurt me is that he is finished and going to leave.. He never does it's in the moment... Secondly I'm the one to always worry about him, bully him to go to docs when something is wrong with him so on so forth, he is EXTREAMLY head strong and there is only so much you can try help someone when they are blatantly willing to nothing about it.. He doesn't speak of the depression as a child very often I know as a kid he did speak to someone and I know it all stems from a nasty split up between parents, this is not something that is displayed usually by him so I don't know how it's being selfish, I've tried to get him to speak to someone, councillor, doc, anyone.! But he won't do it.. The only time he shows anger upset, past problems is when we hit an argument, and we only argue about sex.... I've had to bring it to a head and say i will split from him if he doeant see a doc or speak to someone cause there is clearly underlining problems and he has a hard time letting things go, and that he just may be prone to depression and whether he likes that, it effects is both !!! That's not being selfish it's now worse case scenario as I've tried asking, tried dealing and tried sorting through his issues and it's a brick wall unfortunatly, the way I see it if I didn't love and adore him I wouldn't ware myself out arguing the same point and arguing for him to get help,... Thirdly the past sexual experiences is just something I found strange that he wouldn't speak about... Iv have dropped it as far as I can see if there's something I don't like and he tells me, that stuff can't be taken back and it's in the past so leave it .... I dropped it and I'm just merely throwing it out there for other opinions ...

I really appreciate your post and I have hope for us, I rarely give up easy ! He's going to see a doctor that's a start of us repairing what we have

Well that makes much more sense now. When this kicked off between us we fought alot about it and there were alot of horrible conversations and horrible feelings for at least a year. But now, since my policy is to talk things to death no matter how much you don't want to, the topic is no longer taboo and I've learned to guage when he doesn't want it but I do sneaky things like a certain position going to bed pretending I'm just settling in to go to sleep - but he loves the old sticky out arse position (!) and that often gets him going. I might wear his favorite undies & bra one day and take my clothes off in the evening after work in a sexy sort of way but he doesn't realise I know I'm doing it and again it's gets him going. I found sometimes the trick is to have him think that he initiated it, then, if you're patient with it, him initiating it and you telling him how "sexy that was" can bring his confidence back somewhat and eventually lead to a healthier sex life.

For now, as I always say, the best time to bring these things up are when you're actually getting on and not when you're at your wits end and sexually frustrated. Maybe just casually say, "how about we compromise. I won't initiate anything, I'll leave it up to you but please make an effort to not leave it longer than 3 weeks" (or whatever). Then drop those sexy moves in. Also, although I ahve no problems in the dept, I bought lube just cause it can makes things interesting and sexier and he loved it. Even when not having full sex it's great fun and gets him going really fast!

Tell him you're concerned for him and love him and when this isn't perceived to be as big as issue as it is right now, the pressure may ease off him and you both might relax into things. Go on dates and DON'T expect sex afterwards. Let him know that certain activities don't have to lead to sex always. It'll take some time for him to trust in you that you've laid off the pressure (cause lets face it - you're pressuring him, I know cause I did it), but when he does it may make things stronger between you.

We've done a complete 360! Best of luck <mod snip: Asking for updates is against the rules of this forum> (don't load them all on at the same time!!) ;-)

Ham Sambo

Just reading over your post again today made me look at what 'might' be behind the issues your boyfriend has, first of all I do not have any medical background I am more or less drawing from my own personal experiences. One point you made was your bf's lack of interest to send out CV's but on the other hand he is far for lazy with regards to work etc, he also earned a pretty good salary back in the good times and now like a lot of other people has had to depend on a social welfare payment, it all sounds so familiar to be honest.

We were both working and earning a very handsome salary a few years ago, but due to a family illness were forced to give up that job, with no income coming in we had to depend on social welfare, not a very nice place to be in, it was and still is a struggle although we are slowly coming out of it. From a male point of view this can be a very stressful place to be in, and yes interest in sex takes a bettering aswell, (been regarded the alpha male etc) with no money or prospects or nothing on the horizon it can be a very anxious and stressful place to be in. (for both guy and girl)

During that time I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, having suffered panic attacks, this was all related to the worries I had relating to money etc, look I might be barking up the wrong tree here but I think your bf would benefit from a visit to his GP to discuss what issues he has.

I will have to disagree with some of the posts when they say to 'leave him' such utter rubbish! sex is important in any relationship but it isn't everything, stick with him, he sounds like a good guy and it is obvious he is so lucky to have somebody as understanding as you, don't give up on him, but I would try the GP route first, maybe the GP might recommend a couple of sessions with a Cogitative Behaviour Therapist. Google it and see for yourself. Best of luck and let us know how you get on. :-)

Nicman

Ham Sambo wrote: »

I might be barking up the wrong tree here but I think your bf would benefit from a visit to his GP to discuss what issues he has.

I will have to disagree with some of the posts when they say to 'leave him' such utter rubbish! sex is important in any relationship but it isn't everything, stick with him, he sounds like a good guy and it is obvious he is so lucky to have somebody as understanding as you, don't give up on him, but I would try the GP route first, maybe the GP might recommend a couple of sessions with a Cogitative Behaviour Therapist. Google it and see for yourself. Best of luck and let us know how you get on. :-)

Completely agree! It's so easy for people to come on here and read a story like it's a TV drama and shout "leave him leave him" "sounds like it's over to me". None of us know only you two and there are most certainly things you can do for his self esteem. For many men, even the word "therapist" can make them run a mile so HamSambo is right here - a visit to the GP seems less daunting but then they may advise the same and it somehow can sound different coming from someone who you're not close to.

stateofflux

you say you like sex. you are not being satisfied sexually, he knows this and things have not changed.

love and sexual intimacy go hand in hand imo

to be honest you know the answer to this OP.