Boyfriend and Eating

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I gained a good bit of weight but since Christmas I have lost about a stone and still going on with eating healthily. Last Wednesday, I hit my first stone and I had planned to treat myself to a night off the diet . I did so and the next day my boyfriend attacked me gaining weight and falling off the 'bread wagon' as he calls it. It was one evening and I was back to normal eating before he even brought it up.

I can't eat anything without him commenting on it, all the while he stuffs himself with whatever he fancies. He's lucky with his shape and I don't begrudge him that but he is cruel with his tauts about my weight calling me Jelly Belly and well a fat cow.

I follow a low carb diet and try to include as much veg as possible, it's an extreme diet so to some it seems I'm eating a lot but when I count up the calories I rarely go over 1,600 and 20 grams in carbs.

I can understand he wants me to be healthy, but I can't be good all the time and I'm entitled the time and I'm entitled to eat the odd treat without getting abused over it.

I just don't know what to do.

sopretty

Does he really call you a fat cow?

Penny Tration

Doesn't sound like he wants you to be healthy.

Sounds to me like he is happy to have a reason to be verbally and emotionally abusive to you.

A good boyfriend won't call you a fat cow or a jelly belly. That's shocking. I'm very surprised that you just accept him speaking to you like that. If he cared about you, he'd support and encourage you, not make you feel terrible and be downright nasty to you.

Massive congratulations on the stone you've lost.
I'd suggest you lose another 10+ stone by dumping that pathetic excuse for a boyfriend.

Those are not the words that someone who loves you would use, those are the words of a bully. Don't let him determine your worth, walk away and salvage the confidence that this guy is determined to steal from you.

You know you don't deserve that.

professore

How should I put this ...... ?


He's an a$$hole.

And I'm a guy.

jinxremoving

You are entitled to enjoy a few treats now and then without. Someone belittling you and abusing you. I would not allow someone to speak to me like that, never mind a boyfriend who is supposed to love and respect you.

It sounds as though he might be insecure that you are looking after yourself,looking well, and perhaps others will notice so he is tearing down your self esteem. You don't need that, you deserve someone who supports you.

Stavro Mueller

Has he ever called you names or said things like this before?

PinkCat86

he sounds insensititve and rude

alias06

green_screen wrote: »

Massive congratulations on the stone you've lost.
I'd suggest you lose another 10+ stone by dumping that pathetic excuse for a boyfriend.

Exactly. He is probably making it harder for you to lose weight by wrecking yourself esteem. You would probably find it easier to get your weight under control without him. Honestly you should dump him and move on. Lesson to be learnt is never let anyone talk to you like that.

LegacyUser

UpsetGF wrote: »

Hi there,

I gained a good bit of weight but since Christmas I have lost about a stone and still going on with eating healthily. Last Wednesday, I hit my first stone and I had planned to treat myself to a night off the diet . I did so and the next day my boyfriend attacked me gaining weight and falling off the 'bread wagon' as he calls it. It was one evening and I was back to normal eating before he even brought it up.

I can't eat anything without him commenting on it, all the while he stuffs himself with whatever he fancies. He's lucky with his shape and I don't begrudge him that but he is cruel with his tauts about my weight calling me Jelly Belly and well a fat cow.

I follow a low carb diet and try to include as much veg as possible, it's an extreme diet so to some it seems I'm eating a lot but when I count up the calories I rarely go over 1,600 and 20 grams in carbs.

I can understand he wants me to be healthy, but I can't be good all the time and I'm entitled the time and I'm entitled to eat the odd treat without getting abused over it.

I just don't know what to do.

Walk. Now. This will get worse.

Tokyo

OP, have you spoken to him regarding his words, and how hurt you felt by them?? I'm not trying to defend the words here, but it's hard to tell his motivations for saying such a thing without the context of the situation. If he's not usually hurtful to you, could this be his version of "tough love", trying to motivate you into sticking to your diet?

I'm not defending his words at all, or saying that you have no right to feel hurt, but it sounds very much like the kind of tough love stuff our hurling trainer would fire off at us when I was younger.... Obviously what he is saying is idiotic, but he may not see it as being as bad as you do.

Either way, I recommend you talk to him and try to make him see how hurtful his comments are. He actually may not see it until you say something.

KrustyUCC

Losing a stone is a great accomplishment

Cheat days off the diet are crucial to continued success

It is only natural for a treat after hitting a great milestone

Keep it up Op

As for your boyfriend i agree with professore

Instead of supporting you he is calling you names which no one in a loving relationship should put up with and esp after all your effort

I would have a long hard think as to whether you want someone like that in your life

If you do then he must be made well aware that calling you names is a major NO

You expect his 10000% support and nothing else

username123

This isn't about your weight, it's about him being a <modsnip>. Lose this moron and find someone who treats you with respect.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Sorry, he's never called me a fat cow. Just maybe fat, but Jelly Belly and Bubblebutt are common. Having said that I don't mind that, it is more in jest. What gets me is the comments about my eating, he reminds me very much of my mother who comments on what people eat. I just think if your overweight at all, some people think you should never fecking eat.

Like I do prefer how I feel when I don't eat processed foods and stay away from sugar. But I just can't behave myself 100% of the time. When I am dieting I could everything up, so I know I haven't overeaten so it bugs me if I have to explain the slice of cheese and handful of nuts I'm having for a snack.

Tokyo

Hey OP,

It sounds like you pretty much need to repeat your last post to your boyfriend, word for word. I know that the comments are in jest, but they do wear you down after a while, and if he is in any way caring at all, after hearing what you've just said, he'll realise that he's overstepped the mark somewhat. TBH, it does sound he's trying to "help", albeit taking a very wrong approach to it.

I'm no expert in dieting, but perhaps a diet plan is something that you could work on together? My ex used to be concerned about her weight, and as we were cooking together, we'd work out together our meals for the week, plus a "splurge" evening, where we'd both have something non-healthy, or a beer or two, or whatever. It turned the monotony of dieting into something a bit more shared, and something a bit more enjoyable.

Carrie Madshaw

green_screen wrote: »

Doesn't sound like he wants you to be healthy.

Sounds to me like he is happy to have a reason to be verbally and emotionally abusive to you.

A good boyfriend won't call you a fat cow or a jelly belly. That's shocking. I'm very surprised that you just accept him speaking to you like that. If he cared about you, he'd support and encourage you, not make you feel terrible and be downright nasty to you.

Massive congratulations on the stone you've lost.
I'd suggest you lose another 10+ stone by dumping that pathetic excuse for a boyfriend.

hands down - Best response and advice i've ever read on here. He calls you a fat cow????????? I'm stunned. Someone has shut me up for once. OP - Leave him, simply as.

Penny Tration

Just to point something out to you, op -

Your boyfriend is an uneducated dolt if he questions you about having nuts or cheese as a snack. They are both good, healthy fats, exactly what you SHOULD be eating.

So aside from him being a horrible git (i don't buy it that you don't mind him calling you fat, based on what you said in your first post), he's a stupid one, too.

Tokyo

Carrie Madshaw wrote: »

hands down - Best response and advice i've ever read on here. He calls you a fat cow????????? I'm stunned. Someone has shut me up for once. OP - Leave him, simply as.

Second post from OP....

UpsetGF wrote: »

OP here.
Sorry, he's never called me a fat cow.

Penny Tration

mike_ie wrote: »

Second post from OP....

She may have just read the first few posts. Op said he calls her a fat cow, then retracted it. Might have caused a little confusion

Carrie Madshaw

mike_ie wrote: »

Second post from OP....

Ok I retract my comment then but clearly he's not making her feel good about herself and that's not right on either side because if he was genuinely happy, he wouldn't feel the need to belittle his 'partner'

kerrrBLAHHH

UpsetGF wrote: »

OP here.

Sorry, he's never called me a fat cow. Just maybe fat, but Jelly Belly and Bubblebutt are common. Having said that I don't mind that, it is more in jest. What gets me is the comments about my eating, he reminds me very much of my mother who comments on what people eat. I just think if your overweight at all, some people think you should never fecking eat.

Like I do prefer how I feel when I don't eat processed foods and stay away from sugar. But I just can't behave myself 100% of the time. When I am dieting I could everything up, so I know I haven't overeaten so it bugs me if I have to explain the slice of cheese and handful of nuts I'm having for a snack.

His an asshole

At the end of the day he is verbally abusing you because of what are his own insecurities. If he has such an issue with your weight/ and is obsessive about what you eat than ye are better off meeting someone else

My advice, everytime he niggles you about your weight, you bring up his tiny cock, and how he is not cutting it man wise in the sack.

A taste of his own medicine might stop him being horrible to those around him in future

sopretty

Does he comment on what you're eating? What does he say?

Tokyo

I have to say that it's kind of concerning the immediate leap from "boyfriend made <insert ****ty comment here>" straight to "ditch him, he's a complete bastard" by so many people... I'm not sure how this can be considered as constructive, TBH..... It seems to be a very shotgun approach to the situation.

OP, for what it's worth, I think that you should talk to your boyfriend first about this comments. At the moment, the biggest problem seems to be the lack of communication between the two of you on this matter. Tell him pretty much what you told us here, how it hurts your feelings, how you can't eat rabbit food all the time, how it's ultimately your choice, not his. His response to that discussion will give you a lot more insight into the kind of person that he is, whether he will be supportive of your diet plans, even if you do slip from time to time, and ultimately if he's the kind of person that you want to stay with.

LegacyUser

Hi mike, I have spoken to him about this several times and he never really takes it seriously. So, I just showed him this thread and I think it shocked him.

Tokyo

UpsetGF wrote: »

Hi mike, I have spoken to him about this several times and he never really takes it seriously. So, I just showed him this thread and I think it shocked him.

Well that's certainly one approach I'm glad that it had the desired effect, and that you find some form of resolution with him.

sligoface

I would dump him, continue what you are doing, you will end up looking great, then meet someone new who is not a jerk, live happily ever after with your new hot body and new bf. I know life is not that simple but it might make him realize what a jerk he is.

I am a guy who has put on weight and started dieting and my gf, who can eat anything she wants and stay thin, sometimes might make a comment if I want to eat something unhealthy, but if she called me any names like you mentioned I would be really hurt and I am a guy. And it is really annoying because we used to eat the same meals and portions but I was the only one who gained weight! Tbh a male friend made a joke about my weight one night, which no one had ever done before on my life, and even though I just slagged him back I have to admit it hurt my feelings a little because I had been making a real effort. For that kind of thing to come from your partner on a regular basis would destroy your self esteem. I've a feeling that even if you lost the weight he would find something else to criticize, it's just what mean people do.

ford2600

Just a word on diet op, it sounds very low carb.

There are three main food groups; carbs, protein and fat. If you limit carbs that much you have to eat more of the other two.

Here is the important bit; your body can't handle any more than 30-35% protein. Therefore for diet to work you have to eat 50%+ fat.

Eat the chicken skin, have rib eye, olive oil, eggs, coconut, butter cream etc. If in doubt on diet eat more fat.

Ignore scales a little, your body shape will improve but as you lose bodyfat and gain muscle who cares. Have health and well being as your goal not other people opinion on what you should weigh.

it may not be same for you but I lost all interest in sugar once I switched. Overnight like you click a switch.

Google Peter Attia, Jeff Volek, Stephen Pinney.

Best of luck

ivytwine

OP 1600 calories is way too little for an adult woman. A woman should have 2000, a man, 2500.

As the above poster said you need to intake all the major food groups and not cut out one.

Also, are you exercising?

I think you both should sit down together and come up with a healthy workable eating plan. If he is eating all around him it will come back to him, so I think you should call him out and tell him it's hard for you to continue with healthy eating when you are eating whatever you feel like.

Ask him for his support not his ridicule.

Suggest you take up running together or some other form of exercise.

Have your wee treats too, eff him. You mention your mother comments on what people eat? It seems like your relationship with food may not be the healthiest, it's neither normal nor right for a loved one to make hurtful remarks about weight.

Taltos

OK guys - please no more diet advice.
That is not what the OP is seeking advice for here - and even if it was this is not the correct forum for dietary advice.

Please keep it on topic.

Cheers
Taltos

MugMugs

What a cruel cruel man.

It must be very difficult for him being perfect.

You're more than free to consume what you want when you want. It's your body!

simonsays1

What an insensitive man! A bully!!!!

FFS!

I'd be v hurt over this to be honest.

Especially when you;re making an all mighty effort!

Sit him down and demand he listens.

iPink

OP I really feel for you... I think some people are just insensitive to be honest & don't understand the difficulties in trying to lose weight especially the psychological/emotional side of it!

I had a lot of weight to lose when I met my boyfriend around two and a half years ago, I had already lost around 1.5 stone and have lost just over another two since meeting him... he told me he like 'big' girls but I was doing it for me not him... it is a life-long journey & I'm only around half way there!

Not long into the relationship he started making little comments about my weight and they got stronger and stronger as time went on... he was never abusive about it or anything like that but whenever he brought it up I would get very upset and hurt... I learned that I am a bit over sensitive on that subject and he finds it hard to know what is right or not to say...

I know he thinks that he has to keep the pressure on for me to stick to it and in a way I am sure he thinks he's helping... he's not really but in some ways he is because I know myself and I know that if he kept telling me that it was ok and he loved me the way I am then I'd be like feck it and it would pile back on!! Part of me also thinks that at least he is honest and says what other boyfriends/partners in that situation might be thinking but won't say.... doesn't make it hurt any less though.... it's such a touchy sensitive subject!!

I just wanted to let you know that I understand (a bit) of what you are going through & maybe just maybe he is trying to be loving and helpful but just isn't going about it the right way!!

Mind yourself x

alias06

iPink wrote: »

Not long into the relationship he started making little comments about my weight and they got stronger and stronger as time went on... he was never abusive about it or anything like that but whenever he brought it up I would get very upset and hurt... I learned that I am a bit over sensitive on that subject and he finds it hard to know what is right or not to say...

I don't really believe there is such a thing as being over sensitive. Everyone has vulnerabilities and if your feelings are hurt then your feelings are hurt. Its a classic excuse of bullies who go around picking at peoples sore points to tell them that "they are over sensitive". You are supposed to believe it is your fault you are being reduced to tears. Screw that. I would stamp that out.

deisemum

OP he's a bully and I'd be shocked if he changes, he might just change tactic for a while but as another poster already mentioned he'll find something else to undermine you.

If I had a family member or friend in your situation I'd be recommending ditch the bully because they rarely change. You're even back peddling and down playing how he's been treating you from what you posted in your first post like you're trying to justify his obnoxious behaviour, that just shows how he's already affecting your self esteem. His obnoxious behaviour is not that of someone who cares for you, far from it.

You should show this thread to your family and friends and I bet you wouldn't be long finding out what they really think of him.

Emme

OP, you really need to think about your relationship. Some guys use weight as a way to control their partners. I dated a guy who told me I was too skinny when we met and encouraged me to eat more. Then he told me I was too fat. I had gained a little under a stone and had never been over or under the recommended BMI range for my height. He was controlling in other ways as well. Even though he commented on me gaining weight he used to try and stop me going to the gym or for a run.

If you are a healthy weight and within the recommended BMI range for your height he has no business making comments. He isn't being very tactful with his comments. If you are medically overweight he might recommend that you eat more healthily and exercise more. Even if you were 10 stone overweight "jelly belly" is not a nice thing to say.

Perhaps you would be happier if you didn't have someone making disparaging comments about your weight all the time. You might find it easier to get to a healthy weight on your own.

If you need advice on what to eat go to a doctor or nutritionist.

Dixie Chick

Hopefully showing him this thread has made him realise what way he is behaving.

Also, as an adult, you have every right to eat whatever you want, whenever you want. He is not your minder and you are not employing his services as a dietician. And to add as well, the fact he eats junk in front of you all the time but pulls you on what you eat is pure hypocrisy and nearly the most worrying thing, as that shows he doenst want to be constructive.

Johnny31

He sounds like a controlling person.. Not the kind of person you should be with

cazzer22

UpsetGF wrote: »

OP here.

Sorry, he's never called me a fat cow. Just maybe fat, but Jelly Belly and Bubblebutt are common. Having said that I don't mind that, it is more in jest. What gets me is the comments about my eating, he reminds me very much of my mother who comments on what people eat. I just think if your overweight at all, some people think you should never fecking eat.

Like I do prefer how I feel when I don't eat processed foods and stay away from sugar. But I just can't behave myself 100% of the time. When I am dieting I could everything up, so I know I haven't overeaten so it bugs me if I have to explain the slice of cheese and handful of nuts I'm having for a snack.

I went through something similar and trust me, get out of the relationship. I am SO much happier now and this is not normal behaviour from a boy who, supposedly cares about you.

As another posted said, it's emotional abuse. It wears you down to the point where you feel like you're the issue. It's not you that needs to change, it's him. Congratulations on the stone you've lost- amazing achievement.

Any boy who thinks it's ok to call someone 'jelly belly' etc in 'jest' is completely delusional and you deserve so much better!

P. Breathnach

UpsetGF wrote: »

Hi mike, I have spoken to him about this several times and he never really takes it seriously. So, I just showed him this thread and I think it shocked him.

Is the problem fixed now?

Emme

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Is the problem fixed now?

It will be fixed for about 5 minutes and then he will go back to his old ways. How dare he question his girlfriend for eating a slice of cheese or a handful of nuts (2 excellent sources of protein).

I think she would be better off without him. When I ditched a similarly abusive boyfriend the weight fell off and I ran my first marathon.

LegacyUser

OP here. He seems to have taken it on board since I showed him the thread and he has promised to help motivate me by being a bit more helpful with food preparation etc. with all due respect, he's not a monster and he knows very little about the emotional side of losing weight and I honestly think he thought he was helping. I'm not going to throw a great relationship away because of other people's experiences.

ivytwine

Emme wrote: »

It will be fixed for about 5 minutes and then he will go back to his old ways. How dare he question his girlfriend for eating a slice of cheese or a handful of nuts (2 excellent sources of protein).

I think she would be better off without him. When I ditched a similarly abusive boyfriend the weight fell off and I ran my first marathon.

Or he mightn't be abusive. Look I am a person who has never struggled with their weight and I have no idea what that's like. Genetic luck, although I try to keep healthy too.

I had never considered that my oldest friend would think the Melissa McCarthy character in Bridesmaids a hurtful stereotype. I had never thought that another friend would cringe at holiday pics of us being up on Facebook. I just had never thought, being a naturally thin person.

The op says that her boyf won the genetic lottery, and I think the fact he's shocked is a good thing, an abuser wouldn't care, he'd prob give her a bollocking for going online with their relationship issues.

OP I think you should keep the dialogue going as much as possible. Well done for starting the conversation.

I know taltos said not to go into the specifics of diet, but to me it seems to be a matter of ignorance rather than abuse.

P. Breathnach

Allfinenow wrote: »

OP here. He seems to have taken it on board since I showed him the thread and he has promised to help motivate me by being a bit more helpful with food preparation etc. with all due respect, he's not a monster and he knows very little about the emotional side of losing weight and I honestly think he thought he was helping. I'm not going to throw a great relationship away because of other people's experiences.

Good for you (and him, now that he has seen the light).

In spite of what you say, I will feed you (if you will excuse the pun) with one other person's experience: if Herself had not got past a few stupid things I said and did, then our relationship might have failed. Instead, it has lasted for many years. I know that I am better off for it, and I like to think that she is, too.