Text from Bf - WTF? Mod warning Post #97

LegacyUser

Morning All,

I hope I'm jumping to the wrong conclusions here and hope that some outside perspectives will help me see things more clearly.

I've been with my bf for almost 2 years, living together for 1. We have our ups and downs like most couples but overall we're happy and in love (well, I can only speak for myself but he tells me he loves me everyday).

Every Thursday evening my bf plays football with a team from work and they often go for pints afterwards. He never used to join them for pints as he said they're just work mates and people to play football with but he wouldn't want to socialise with them in his free time.
So usually he comes home after football. That changed a few months ago when he texted me after a game and said f*ck it, gonna go for a few!. I was happy cos I like having my alone time too!

So this has now been happening every Thursday night which I'm happy about. It gives me a chance to paint my nails, do hair treatments and all that girly stuff I won't do in front of him.

Lately though there have been a few times where he hasn't come home at all or even texted. The next day he'll ring me from work and say he ended up having way too many and crashed at one of the lads places. Sometimes he'll text saying going back to play grand theft auto so may not be home, that kind of thing and I have never said anything about it - why would I?

He went to play football last night and I didn't hear from him at all. By 11.30pm I knew he wouldn't be home so I just went to bed. I was a bit p*ssed off that he hadn't bothered texting even as he knows this annoys and worries me.

This morning at about half 9 I get a text from him saying

'I feel so awful about last night. We promised we'd get our acts together in the new year
and stop this carry on. You're like a drug to me though. I miss you all the time x'

I nearly got sick. I tried to call him straight away but he didn't answer. I texted him saying 'Huh??? what are you on about??' and got no reply. I have tried calling and calling but his phone is now off.

I'm struggling to stay calm here and don't know what to do. His office is near mine and if he doesn't answer by 12 o clock I'm going over there to confront him.

What do you think? Or is this innocent or what?

m'lady

Ok this is an obvious question but did you both have a conversation about him going out drinking on Thursday nights and this text is in context to that?

Just reread your post OP, doesn't sound too good, and I hope your jumping to conclusions too. I hope your ok, not a nice this to happen, and it will hurt a lot.. Maybe call on a friend/family member so your not alone x

CyrilFiggis

I'm sorry OP, that doesn't look good and the fact that he isn't answering you now is even more incriminating.

If I were in your position I too would go for the confrontation and I hope you're okay (well, as okay as you can be given the circumstances) if you have done that.

For what its worth, it sounds like you have always been a trusting girlfriend and I hope whatever he's been up to doesn't impact your trusting nature too much in the future.

Faith

I felt a bit sick reading that on your behalf. I'm really struggling to find a way in which it could be innocent . Unfortunately I think your instinct is probably correct, especially the way he turned his phone off immediately. He knows he's just outed himself.

I don't know what else to say, other than, if he is a dirty cheater, at least you know now and not down the line when you're married or have kids with him. Not that that's going to make you feel any better right now though.

anamara86

Really sorry to hear that OP, it doesn't sound great to be honest. Plus, the whole not answering his phone then would really bother me - is he trying to get a story together quickly or something.

Look after yourself today & do whatever you feel is right - will you get the answers you need if you confront him at work, or would you be better off waiting until after work so he has to answer your questions

sullivlo

Could you pop home during lunch? He may have gone home to pack a bag.

Sorry to hear of your troubles OP.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions, OP, until you find things out.

Chara1001

You poor thing, I'm sorry op but I can't think of any way that text might be innocent.

I'm not sure that going to his place of work to confront him is a good idea tho, might be too late now but if you have, I hope you got some answers.

Merkin

Oh you poor thing, I feel so sorry for you.

Just reading through your post, I didn't like the pattern of his behaviour. I cannot believe that you live with this guy and he would go AWOL on a Thursday without even having the courtesy to let you know he'd be staying out. It just smacks of being up to no good. God, when I was in a house share and single, I'd still text a flatmate and let them know I wouldn't be home. It's good manners.

Whatever way you look at it, the text can not be interpreted in any other way but he's been caught red bloody handed.

The slimeball has also turned his phone off because he is panicking and trying to think of an excuse as to what to say. I'm guessing his phone will suddenly have been robbed. Or else one of his mates was playing a prank.

I'm afraid this does not look good my dear, my heart goes out to you.

Oryx

I would jump to conclusions here.

An innocent man wouldnt turn his phone off unexpectedly. He hasnt a clue what to say to you. He just did the ultimate 'oops' and sent a text meant for a lover, to his partner. And now he is gone to ground rather than face it, to give himself time to cover up in whatever way possible.

It looks bad.

BraziliaNZ

I read this and thought he was just saying to his girlf - sorry, I'll stop drinking on Thursday nights and staying out. Maybe he's innocent afterall?

Oryx

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I read this and thought he was just saying to his girlf - sorry, I'll stop drinking on Thursday nights and staying out. Maybe he's innocent afterall?

You're like a drug to me and I miss you? Sent to the person you live with? Not buying it.

BraziliaNZ

Oryx wrote: »

You're like a drug to me and I miss you? Sent to the person you live with? Not buying it.

The funny thing is me and my weirdo partner say stupid things like this to each other, and we live together. But yeah it's probably a long shot in this case that this is what he meant.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, whether or not this text was for you is easily decided by, did you have a chat about you both getting your acts together in the New Year, and stopping this carry on?

The fact that you were confused by the content of the text, makes me believe you had no idea what he was talking about.

Now you just have to see does he come up with a plausible explanation.... That is, if he actually bothers to contact you.

CyrilFiggis

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

The funny thing is me and my weirdo partner say stupid things like this to each other, and we live together. But yeah it's probably a long shot in this case that this is what he meant.

Yes, as he turned his phone off then and wouldn't speak to her. If the text was meant for her I can't imagine him doing that

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for all your replies so far, they mean a lot to me. I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. I was gonna march over to his job but my best friend convinced me not too and she met me for lunch instead. I'm so distraught I couldn't eat. I begged her to go to his work but she wouldn't:(

He won't answer his phone and usually we gmail chat everyday but now his light isn't on. I got my friend to call his job and ask for him but they said he's 'not available'.

I honestly don't know what to do now. <Mod snip>. Did you even read my post for heavens sake??!!! Why would he say I'm like a drug to him? He sees me everyday and has never expressed himself like that. If anything he's probably sick of me, not addicted to me:(

riffmongous

Oryx wrote: »

You're like a drug to me and I miss you? Sent to the person you live with? Not buying it.

That's what I thought too, it makes no sense in that context. Also it was sent at 9.30 in the morning so its very unlikely to be some sort of innocent drunken rambling

Tokyo

IT *could* be all innocent, but sadly, the odds are it's not.

I can't see how this is going to be explained away as an innocent text, to be honest. Everything points towards him being in a hurry, and sending the text to the wrong number by mistake. Expect to hear a story something along the lines of how he left his phone at his friend's house, friend was acting the arse sending dodgy messages or something similar.

Time for a long and difficult conversation I think... good luck.

ibarelycare

I'm sorry OP, this is gut wrenching and I know the feelings you're going through right now, and they're horrible. I really hope you're ok as you can be, surround yourself with friends and family x

Czarcasm

bumblebee123 wrote: »

What do you think? Or is this innocent or what?

Yeah OP normally I'd try and give some sort of different perspective on things but really in this case, there isn't one. As Oryx said your boyfriend has done the ultimate oops and gone and made a fool out of both you, and himself.

mike_ie wrote: »

Time for a long and difficult conversation I think... good luck.

I wonder for the OP does she think it's possible for their relationship to come back from this. Her boyfriend certainly isn't doing himself any favours by hiding out like a bold child who's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. The sooner he comes clean and doesn't put the OP through any more torture, the better hope there might be of salvaging the relationship if that's what the OP wants to do I think anyway.

OP at least it's something that you have your friend's support to keep you grounded, but you really need to weigh up the pros and cons on this one and try not to make any rash decisions. Depends on your standards I suppose, and only you know whether you're prepared to try and get your relationship back on track, or admit it's dead in the water and walk away.

Merkin

Bumblebee123 wrote: »

He won't answer his phone and usually we gmail chat everyday but now his light isn't on. I got my friend to call his job and ask for him but they said he's 'not available'.

What a spineless little sh1t.

He's avoiding you because he knows that this can't be explained away. He has been caught red handed.

alias06

OP you need to be thinking about your living arrangements. I know of lots of breakups that have happened like this where the offending party packs their bags and leaves their other half with the bills.

Are the bills in your name or his?

And who pays the rent each month?

Oryx

I agree he is spineless. He hasnt even got the balls to face you on this. Its a very, very tough thing to have to deal with. Not only is he caught out, he is running away from the problem too. The very best of luck in dealing with this op.

Faith

mike_ie wrote: »

IT *could* be all innocent, but sadly, the odds are it's not.

I can't see how this is going to be explained away as an innocent text, to be honest. Everything points towards him being in a hurry, and sending the text to the wrong number by mistake. Expect to hear a story something along the lines of how he left his phone at his friend's house, friend was acting the arse sending dodgy messages or something similar.

Time for a long and difficult conversation I think... good luck.

Yeah, you need to be prepared for some rubbish excuses about how someone else had his phone.

I wonder if he'll even come home tonight. His method of dealing seems to be complete avoidance which is just the worst. I think he'll probably never explain himself satisfactorily - that type don't. He'll give some vague answers and you'll never have complete closure on the issue.

If he had manned up and admitted he fúcked up on a massive scale, then I'd say maybe you could work through this, if you really wanted to. But his reaction so far makes me think that the best option is 100% to leave the relationship, no matter how difficult it is.

I'm not normally that affected by things I read on these forums, but this one has really caught me. I wish I could give you a huge hug and help you through this.

Oryx

And even though it doesn't feel like it, the best thing he has ever done for you was send you that text. You needed to know who you were really living with.

AnonMouse

Hey OP,

My opinion is the same as everyone elses - he messed up big time when he sent you that textand then realised very soon after and turned his phone off. If he has such little respect for you to not even face the music, he doesn't deserve you, regardless.

Before you get to talk to him, I think you should look online for ways of telling that you're being lied to, i.e body language signals. It might sound drastic, but a persons body language gives a lot away. And if you read the body language signs, it will tell a lot of truths.

I wish you well

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about that text! I really feel for you! Same thing happened to me with an ex. Got a text thanking me for a great night and asking if I managed to get some sleep after.I wasn't with him that night! When I confronted him about it he tried to pretend it was for me and made up some ridiculous claim that had been thinking about me all night and that is why was thanking me. Be prepared for similar!

Also, am wondering on some level did he want to get caught? I know it's easy to text wrong person but not that easy! He might be hoping you will do breaking up for him.

Mind yourself. This stuff hurts!

Lux23

I don't think going to his workplace would help you so glad your friend was there for you. If I was you, I would go home, pack his stuff and have it waiting in the hall for him. Sure, maybe he messed up - but the avoidance tecnique he is employing is so disrespectful. I don't think I would even bother to wait around for an explanation.

Poor you. I hope you can get someone to stay with you this evening.

Brego888

I rarely cringe when reading anything on this forum but that text in the opening post really made me wince. It's practically indisputable.

Again prepare for the 'my friend took my phone excuse". Remember no friend is that cruel or that detailed and specific in their wind up text.

There's not much else to say, you alone can decide how to deal with it.

Good luck

alias06

Lux23 wrote: »

I don't think going to his workplace would help you so glad your friend was there for you. If I was you, I would go home, pack his stuff and have it waiting in the hall for him. Sure, maybe he messed up - but the avoidance tecnique he is employing is so disrespectful. I don't think I would even bother to wait around for an explanation.

Poor you. I hope you can get someone to stay with you this evening.

Or if the place is rented pack your things and move out ASAP. Let him settle up with the landlord and cancel any bills in your name.

padser

Brego888 wrote: »

Again prepare for the 'my friend took my phone excuse". Remember no friend is that cruel or that detailed and specific in their wind up text.

That's a pretty definitive statement for someone who doesn't know his friends. Of course some people are that cruel.

@OP - some of his "friends" might actually be just that cruel and have sent the sms

scarymoon1

That could have been his way of breaking up with you. His phone is off now so job done in his eyes maybe.

dellas1979

I dont doubt that at this stage of the evening, you probably know the situation.

If its for the worse OP, I just hope that you are ok.

Big Bag of Chips

Hi padser, if you are not used to posting in the Personal Issues forum, please be sure to read the Charter first. This is an advice forum, and posters are expected to offer advice to the OP when posting.

Also, because of the nature of many of the posts here, asking the OP for an update is against the Charter. Very often due to the problems posted, posters have more to be thinking about than coming back to the thread to update everyone.

Please read the charter before posting again.

twiggy86

Oh god op I felt nauseous for you reading your post. I really hope there's some reasonable explanation but tbh it's not looking good.

I just wanted to say you sound like a really level headed girlfriend, some men would kill to have a girlfriend as understanding as you. The fact that you enjoyed that he had his own interests and actually pushed him to pursue them and have nights out shows you are independent! He should have been thanking his lucky stars that he had a girlfriend who didn't tear strips off him for staying out all night, I've seen friends go mad over that kind of behavior and their men are lucky to leave the house now without the Spanish inquisition and constant texts throughout the night!

What an eejit he is if he took advantage of your complete trust and cheated on you. If it is true please call on your friends and family for support you'll need them around you.

Catphish

bumblebee123 wrote: »

I'm struggling to stay calm here and don't know what to do.

Please look after yourself bumblebee. It's obvious from the reactions here that you're not jumping to conclusions. Do tell a friend or someone in your family so you have some kind of support.

As others have said, if that text had nothing relevant to any conversation you've had with him then it doesn't look good. But whatever way anyone perceives that text one damning aspect of it is his reaction after sending it. The calls and texts were dodged and then the phone was switched off, hardly the actions of a man without anything to hide. I agree that it's better you find out sooner rather than later if he's been seeing someone else. It mightn't feel like it right now, but in the long term that text mistakenly sent to you was for the best if he has been cheating on you. Again, please reach out and get some support from others. Best of luck op x

Kidchameleon

Is it possible his phone was stolen and the thief is trying to be funny? I admit it looks very likely that he cheated but the guy at least deserves a chance to explain. Perhaps the reason he hasn't been in contact today is because he is simply busy.

Czarcasm

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Is it possible his phone was stolen and the thief is trying to be funny? I admit it looks very likely that he cheated but the guy at least deserves a chance to explain. Perhaps the reason he hasn't been in contact today is because he is simply busy.

So the guy is too busy all day, after that text was sent, to let the OP know his phone was stolen...

Would YOU believe that?

Kidchameleon

Czarcasm wrote: »

So the guy is too busy all day, after that text was sent, to let the OP know his phone was stolen...

Would YOU believe that?

Re-read my post, I've already said I don't believe it :rolleyes:

Merkin

I appreciate that you're trying to be objective but you can't possibly suspend reality to such an extent that either of the two options below could even be slightly possible? The guy has been caught with his proverbial pants down, I just don't buy the below as even slight possibilities.

Is it possible his phone was stolen and the thief is trying to be funny?

I don't know why a thief would try and engage with anyone connected to their crime.

Perhaps the reason he hasn't been in contact today is because he is simply busy.

He LIVES with his girlfriend! He didn't come home, he should have been explaining himself at the first opportunity.

The more I think about this OP I think he may have just sent the text deliberately as he didn't have the balls to break up with you in person.

I hope you're ok x

LegacyUser

Oh OP just had to post. I hope you're doing as well as you can be, this guy is a complete waste of space and YOU DESERVE BETTER.

big hug xx

Kidchameleon

Merkin wrote: »

I don't know why a thief would try and engage with anyone connected to their crime.

There are countless incidences of criminals taunting their victims throughout history. Look up "cyber trail" for the modern equivalent.

Merkin wrote: »

He LIVES with his girlfriend! He didn't come home

No no no, he was out all night, stayed at a friends supposedly, went straight into work and that's the last we heard from the OP. The first chance he had to go home was after work. He has a history of going out and staying in friends houses. Have you ever been so busy in work that you didn't get a minute to text your partner?

Merkin wrote: »

he should have been explaining himself at the first opportunity.

Explain what? He is a grown adult who can do as he pleases, his GF aka the OP doesn't own him. In fact she has stated that she likes him going out for the night. If his phone was stolen or one of his friends was having a laugh and he doesn't know about it, then what exactly has he got to explain? From his perspective he would be in the dark as much as the OP.


Look as I have said, I believe he is having an affair, but their COULD be another explanation. Telling the OP to have his bags packed before he even got home is a bit premature. A friend of mine dumped his long term GF over something not dissimilar to this situation. Turned out he was in the wrong and only after much pleading did she take him back.

Do you think there is absolutely no other explanation for this message that the OP got?

Tokyo

I'm guessing at this stage, all of us speculating is pointless. Doubtless by not the OP has her answer one way or the other.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, can we get back to posting advice to the OP, rather than chatting amongst each other. Remember the OP, posted here asking for advice, speculating and discussing various situations amongst yourselves does nothing to offer her advice.

Remember this is her thread. Discussion and chat should be brought elsewhere.

Cheers.

LegacyUser

Having been through something similar myself I.e being very trusting and not asking questions when my other half didn't come home after a night out or contact me to say where he was I pretty much feel that these are not the actions of a person who appreciates their other half. I turned a blind eye to this behaviour to my detriment.

The fact that you didn't hear from him after the text sets massive alarm bells ringing. If he hasnt admitted things and given some lame excuse as other posters have offered ie lost phone, or a friend texting my best advice to you is the same advice I received from a friend at the time..,,, go home to that house and tear it apart if he is cheating there will be clues.... If you can't face it get a friend to help you. In my case I found Viagra, condoms and a few phone bills with masses of texts to more than one number which I rang and had interesting conversations with different women he had been carrying on with. Yes this is an invasion of his privacy but then again why waste your time on a cheating low life? An interesting point is the fact that all of a sudden he started to go out every Thursday after not having much interest before that. Is he jealous? Does he text you when your out with your friends constantly? Would he accept you not Coming home yourself without an explanation of where you were. In my experience possessiveness is a good indicator of cheating also!

Op trust me if you search the house you will find something. Does he clear his phone out? Ie delete messages and calls ? Does he guard it or does he leave it around? Does he clear the Internet history from his laptop/ computer/ I pad?There are always tell tale signs however trusting partners rarely see these signs untill it's too late and I'm speaking from experience here. I found separate Facebook accounts, a second bank account etc (just to clarify we were married so financially we were tied together and even though he was earning much more than me he was always broke and needed a dig out so secret bank accounts which were overdrawn are a no no in a marriage in my opinion anyways)

I hope your okay and have the support of friends and family xxx take care hun

sopretty

Hello OP. I'm so very sorry to hear this. The one mitigating factor is that he at least has the decency to feel 'awful' about his behaviour. It really would take an enormous amount of good will and effort on both of your parts to get over this, if that is what you choose to do. You sound like an independent lady, so I think, the long-term solution for you would be to split up. To me, it is clear cut that he is cheating. It happens a lot, that while you're thinking about someone in relation to what you're texting, that you accidentally text that person instead of the intended recipient. Hope you're ok.

unaoz

I got a text from my bf when i was in an aeroplane. ..I had forgotten to turn off my phone it said ' im so sorry, I did what I said I wasn't going to do' I was on my way for a sun holiday with my mate. I cudn text back as no reception. I felt panicky and sick and shaky it was bloddy horrific felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. As soon as we landed I rang him and was like wtf are you talking about. He said he had gone on a massive bender with his mates and spent loads and he was really sorry....I was never more relieved in my life. I'm really sorry op I know how u must be feeling but it just sounds really bad that he wouldn't answer his phone..would love if I was wrong tho. Im sure you know by now what the story is...I hope you're ok..I'll b thinking about u.

whiskeyman

Hope the OP is ok.
If what we expect is true, I hope you can get him out of your life as quick as possible and move on. You deserve so much better.

Katgurl

Good god you poor thing.

I had an ex (who by the way with hindsight was manipulative, cruel, controlling b@st@rd) who also used to go On radio silence. There was never anything as damning but weird things - eg. One day he told me he'd been out with a friend the night before. A couple of days later the same friend was in the house and said to my boyfriend in passing "so how have you been, I haven't heard from you in two weeks". I queried straightaway that I thought they'd been out two nights previously and instead of giving any explanation (and I trusted him) like "he forgot we were out" my boyfriend would cause a huge drama, throw me out, not pick up my calls. It would go to such epic proportions of chaos when it ended I wouldn't even feel like asking about the original thing.

I think your boyfriend sounds like a spineless toad ignoring your calls and texts. He is caught tedhanded and doesn't even have the respect to face you now. He's a worthless cowardly piece of slime and while I know you're devastated now you are well rid of this loser.

Oh and I trusted my boyfriend too, I thought he would never cheat on me. I was wrong wrong wrong. But I still maintain you are better to trust and be wrong. You just got very unlucky with this one.

AlanMcC23

Any update OP?? Wat did he have to say for himself??

Taltos

Alan asking for an update is against our charter, issues here are not for our entertainment and we take a very dim view of all such posts, regularly issuing warnings / infractions or bans.

As this is a strictly moderated forum it is in your own interest to know the rules here, so please take 5 minutes now before you post again to read our charter.

Thanks
Taltos