Breaking up

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Going unreg for this, I am not a long time poster, but I would like to keep this as anonymous as possible.

I have been with my bf for 4 years (we're both foreign nationals) and I think that our relationship is not going anywhere. I have recently asked him to take a few days to think about whether he wants to commit to me or not. He said fine, a few days later I asked him again and he said that he is not ready now, maybe in a few years, if I change my character/attitude. I'm in my late twenties and he's in his early thirties.

Tbh, I don't want to get married to him, not anymore. He never asks for my opinion, it doesn't matter if I agree or not to any of his decisions, he'd still go ahead with it, everything that is bad in our relationship is my fault and every time we have an argument he makes me feel so guilty that I end up apologising or he gives me the could shoulder for a couple of days/weeks and because I can't stand to have no one to talk to, I take the blame and apologise.

My family are not here, I asked for their opinion and they said I'm better off on my own, I won't be returning to my home country because I worked so hard the past 4 years and eventually landed a good job, I have a couple of friends and I have decided to move in with them.

All good, but I don't know how to tell him this, I feel so guilty for going behind his back and renting a place without telling him, I don't want to hurt him, but I can't continue like this either, there must be someone out there who won't think that I am to blame for everything.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel so guilty about it and don't know how to proceed now. Thank you!

You don't have to tell him you've rented the place in advance. Just tell him you're staying with friends while you sort yourself out. And then tell him exactly what you said in the post, and leave. Don't give him the chance to guilt you and don't feel guilty about sorting yourself out sensibly. I know it's hard and he will be hurt, but he's an adult and he'll get over it, and hopefully learn from it for his next relationship. He's already said he doesn't want to commit and that's his right, but it's your right to decide not to wait around apart from anything else.

Just be straight with him and move on, you've invested enough in a relationship that sounds more like a dictatorship than a partnership and you don't have any reason at all to feel guilty.

Good luck with the move and I wish you every happiness.

Merkin

I have recently asked him to take a few days to think about whether he wants to commit to me or not.

I find this so bizarre given everything that follows. Why would you want a man who treats you so badly to commit to you?

He said fine, a few days later I asked him again and he said that he is not ready now, maybe in a few years, if I change my character/attitude.

The bloody cheek of him! So he wants you to become a different person in order to find you loveable or worthy of a commitment?

Tbh, I don't want to get married to him, not anymore.

So why on earth would you ask him to commit in the first place?

He never asks for my opinion, it doesn't matter if I agree or not to any of his decisions, he'd still go ahead with it, everything that is bad in our relationship is my fault and every time we have an argument he makes me feel so guilty that I end up apologising or he gives me the could shoulder for a couple of days/weeks and because I can't stand to have no one to talk to, I take the blame and apologise.

This is bordering on abuse. Shutting someone out, giving them the cold shoulder, manipulating situations - it's all mental control and abuse. This is not a healthy relationship on any level.

I feel so guilty for going behind his back and renting a place without telling him, I don't want to hurt him, but I can't continue like this either, there must be someone out there who won't think that I am to blame for everything.

Your language is very telling. Has this man worn you down? Is your self confidence so low and you're so conditioned to believing you are at fault that you think you're doing something wrong? Because you're not. You're getting out of a dysfunctional relationship.

There is no reason to feel an ounce of guilt. This man doesn't even sound like he cares for you in any way so you owe him nothing. Tell him it's over, that you found alternative accommodation, that there is no chance of a reconciliation because you've finally realized your self worth and wave him good riddance!

MugMugs

Different folks have different perceptions on how they want their lives to run.

SOme want marriage and a family. Some don't.

I presume that you want the first, as do I in this life.

Given that when I see this

Unregistered wrote: »

Tbh, I don't want to get married to him, not anymore.

I am instantly saying to myself. Don't just walk away from this. Run away.

It sounds like you're a caring genuine and decent person OP. I'd suggest that you move on and find somebody more worthy of your time because at present, it doesn't sound like your current partner is that person.

Good luck with whatever you do though.

P. Breathnach

Unregistered wrote: »

...
Tbh, I don't want to get married to him, not anymore. He never asks for my opinion, it doesn't matter if I agree or not to any of his decisions, he'd still go ahead with it, everything that is bad in our relationship is my fault and every time we have an argument he makes me feel so guilty that I end up apologising or he gives me the could shoulder for a couple of days/weeks and because I can't stand to have no one to talk to, I take the blame and apologise.

You have made a very strong case for breaking up with him. In truth, the words "I don't want to get married to him" are enough. You don't need any justification for feeling that you don't love him enough to want to marry him. The rest of the paragraph is simply telling us (and yourself) why. It seems that he is something of a bully.

...
Sorry for the long post, but I feel so guilty about it and don't know how to proceed now. Thank you!

And here is the result of his bullying ways. You should not feel guilty for not loving somebody. A decent compassionate human might feel regretful that a relationship has run its course, feel some sympathy for the about-to-be-ex, have a wish that the ex copes well with the breakup. But not guilt.

Touchee

I will break the new tonight, I know it won't be easy bu it has to be done.
Even now I'm thinking that maybe I have taken the wrong decision, but I think this is a result of my low self esteem.I guess I'm just afraid to be on my own, with no one to share good or bad moments, but being in a relationship with him is basically the same thing.

I just want to get through this and than fix my confidence issues.

Thank you all for your kind replies, I just needed a bit of encouragement for tonight.

P. Breathnach

Good luck, OP!

I think that doing this will be an important first step in dealing with your confidence issues: you will be doing something because it is right for you.

Big Bag of Chips

Unregistered wrote: »

he said that he is not ready now, maybe in a few years, if I change my character/attitude.

If you are doubting yourself, remember he has told you this. He has basically told you he doesn't like the person you are. So why is he bothering to stay with you?

He is only with you probably out of habit. It's easier to stay with you then go through the hassle of breaking up. He gets some sort of twisted enjoyment out of being "the boss" in the relationship and having you run around after him.

If you feel guilty about hurting him ext... Look at it a different way" You'd be doing him a favour by ending it... He doesn't see you as good enough to be his equal partner. So set him free to go find someone that fits his ideal.

Or to put it another way... You've put up with him for far too long. Now it's time to look after yourself, and find someone who will love you, the person you are now.

LegacyUser

Well, I did it!!! And he said fine, no questions asked, which is fine with me, because it makes it easier to move on.

I have never believed that I will get myself in such a mess, but love is blind and I learnt my lesson to never think again that people can change.

I feel better and I will keep feeling better once I move out.

Thank you all very much, your advice was put to good use!

Catphish

Merkin wrote: »

I find this so bizarre given everything that follows. Why would you want a man who treats you so badly to commit to you?

The bloody cheek of him! So he wants you to become a different person in order to find you loveable or worthy of a commitment?

So why on earth would you ask him to commit in the first place?

This is bordering on abuse. Shutting someone out, giving them the cold shoulder, manipulating situations - it's all mental control and abuse. This is not a healthy relationship on any level.

Your language is very telling. Has this man worn you down? Is your self confidence so low and you're so conditioned to believing you are at fault that you think you're doing something wrong? Because you're not. You're getting out of a dysfunctional relationship.

There is no reason to feel an ounce of guilt. This man doesn't even sound like he cares for you in any way so you owe him nothing. Tell him it's over, that you found alternative accommodation, that there is no chance of a reconciliation because you've finally realized your self worth and wave him good riddance!

I was thinking all of this reading the op's post.

Op, all I've read in your post is the word guilty over and over. What the hell do you feel guilty for? Why is the blame going on you for every disagreement? As Merkin said, this is a dysfunctional relationship. I'm getting stale relationship and borderline abusive from what you've said too. He's happy enough for you to be the one saying sorry every time, and then the cold shoulder crap??

The people that are concerned for you are right to be, but as you state you've landed a job you wanted so stay in it. An ended relationship doesn't mean you have to go home. You did the right thing finding somewhere else to stay first, it wouldn't be very comfortable living under the same roof after you tell him it's over. Move out, move on, and good luck to you op.

P. Breathnach

Unregistered wrote: »

Well, I did it!!! And he said fine, no questions asked, which is fine with me, because it makes it easier to move on.

I'm pleased that you found the courage to do it.

I have never believed that I will get myself in such a mess, but love is blind and I learnt my lesson to never think again that people can change...

Don't blame yourself for getting into the situation: it could happen to anybody. Yes, love can be blind, and problems in a relationship often develop slowly, until one day you realise that a few minor problems have grown into a big burden of trouble.

But I want to disagree with you about one thing, and I think you will understand why I do. People can change - but only if they really want to for their own reasons. You can't change another person, and very often if a person promises to change in order to please you, that is a worthless promise. But remember that you have said that you want to change yourself, to deal with your low self-esteem and your confidence issues. That's doable. You have already started. It won't be plain sailing all the way; you will need to remind yourself to be courageous as you take more control over your own life.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Well, I did it!!! And he said fine, no questions asked, which is fine with me, because it makes it easier to move on.

I have never believed that I will get myself in such a mess, but love is blind and I learnt my lesson to never think again that people can change.

I feel better and I will keep feeling better once I move out.

Thank you all very much, your advice was put to good use!

Ah love isn't blind, but it can definitely make you squint!

May you have lots and lots of happiness in the future