Girlfriend Sexual History

x2b1

Hi all,
Myself and my girlfriend are both late 30s, I am with her 1 year now and we both had the discussion recently on our number etc.
She has told be that after long deliberation and recounting that it is 30 plus and she had had a swinger type situation in her last marriage with a married couple friend of theirs.
She has had many one night stands and she also admitted to infidelity in her marriage also, which she regrets. It was with her step brother at the time, a once off. This is something I had a problem with as she had been in recent contact with him through email, expressing love for him but insisting to me it was only familial love and that she was not "in love" with him.
She has admittted to cheating on a couple of boyfriends in her 20s also. She has also had sexual encounters with a few women also.
She is not from Ireland I could also add.
Now I write this as I am wondering should I have a problem with this? She has come clean etc. and she has been honest, so I really should not voice my opinion. I know its her past and her business and what she did when she was not with me should not matter etc.etc. and it is not my place.
Hearing all this has got me a bit paranoid and I'm thinking whats in store for me? We had the discussion on never cheating etc and she swears she never would as she is completely happy with me.
I am thinking though with that number and her cheating past, does she not see sex as sacred and special? Now she of course has said its really special with me but I can't help feeling that it might be just lip service.. My paranoia kicking in again...
I do really love her, its a very intence relationship and tbh I think she is the best woman I have ever gone out with for looks and personality. I just feel unnerved.
Any thoughts please?

Merkin

You should never ask a question you're not prepared to hear the answer to and going into the minutae of one another's sexual past is ill advised and damaging (as it evident from the weekly threads on RI on this very matter).

The fact that she has cheated on every partner she has been with would ring alarm bells for me. I guess it depends if you can believe what she says and take it at face value but I personally would have my reservations because she has a track record of being dishonest.

x2b1

Merkin wrote: »

You should never ask a question you're not prepared to hear the answer to and going into the minutae of one another's sexual past is ill advised and damaging (as it evident from the weekly threads on RI on this very matter).

The fact that she has cheated on every partner she has been with would ring alarm bells for me. I guess it depends if you can believe what she says and take it at face value but I personally would have my reservations because she has a track record of being dishonest.

Yes exactly, I should not have asked the question indeed...

Merkin

x2b1 wrote: »

Yes exactly, I should not have asked the question indeed...

I know, but it can't be unasked. You can't unfortunately clean the hard drive and wipe the information!

She's been really honest with you in disclosing everything but I'd also worry that if she were to cheat on you, she'd have a very handy retort of "well you knew what I was like all along" you know.....I'd be suspicious of her motives in being quite so "honest".

fungun

I have always asked tbh, but you do have to be prepared for what you might hear. No number would put me off someone but it does give you information about how she thinks about it....from what she has said you can probably conclude that she does not see sex as 'sacred' as you have said.

Of all those things, only the constant cheating would worry me....and if you are good about chatting with her on this, Id try to understand it. When I was younger I had to say the same - I had cheated on every gf....but never when i was emotionally committed to it, was more of a break-up tactic. Since then Im married almost 15 years, completely faithful.

However if she cheated when in a happy reln, Id wonder...also the being into swinging suggests she doesnt see sex with others as a deal-breaker....so I think its fair to say that if you see sex as sacred and special that you guys are going to have different values about this, which may cause issues

Big Bag of Chips

x2b1 wrote: »

We had the discussion on never cheating etc and she swears she never would as she is completely happy with me.

This is also a bad thing to discuss, and hold someone to! Nobody knows what the future could bring. She cannot promise you that she will never cheat on you, same way as you cannot promise her that you will never cheat on her! Things happen. Nobody gets into a relationship planning on cheating on their partner. But it does happen, and it happens for various different reasons.

You are the only one who can decide what you are comfortable with. Every relationship no matter how solid, has the potential to go bad, and has the potential for heartbreak at the end... every relationship! But equally, every relationship has the potential for the "happily ever after" ending too. You cannot see into the future, so you cannot judge how this will go. She may cheat on you, you may cheat on her. She may settle down with you and you will be blissfully happy together in 50 years time having been completely faithful to each other all that time. You cannot tell.

Sometimes past behaviour is an indicator of what's to come in the future. But often times, people who cheat on previous partners can and do get into a relationship where they don't feel the need to do that.

Again - you are the only one who can decide what you are comfortable with. If you are comfortable, relaxed and happy in the relationship, then why not stick with it and see where it goes. If you are on edge and unsure, then why prolong the agony. You can go and find someone you feel more secure with and be happy and comfortable in that relationship instead.

username123

On the numbers - wouldnt bother me in the slightest. Particularly a low number like 30ish in your 30s.

On the cheating - Id be more wary of this. Why the need to cheat, why not end the relationship youre in and then do what you like?

On the step-brother - this is definitely odd imo, although it depends what age they became step-siblings at.

I think ultimately, as has been said already - you have different value systems regarding sex (and possibly morality - like swinging/cheating), so only you can decide if you can come to terms with that or not.

Chazz Michael Michaels

x2b1 wrote: »

Hi all,
Myself and my girlfriend are both late 30s, I am with her 1 year now and we both had the discussion recently on our number etc.
She has told be that after long deliberation and recounting that it is 30 plus and she had had a swinger type situation in her last marriage with a married couple friend of theirs.
She has had many one night stands and she also admitted to infidelity in her marriage also, which she regrets. It was with her step brother at the time, a once off. This is something I had a problem with as she had been in recent contact with him through email, expressing love for him but insisting to me it was only familial love and that she was not "in love" with him.
She has admittted to cheating on a couple of boyfriends in her 20s also. She has also had sexual encounters with a few women also.
She is not from Ireland I could also add.
Now I write this as I am wondering should I have a problem with this? She has come clean etc. and she has been honest, so I really should not voice my opinion. I know its her past and her business and what she did when she was not with me should not matter etc.etc. and it is not my place.
Hearing all this has got me a bit paranoid and I'm thinking whats in store for me? We had the discussion on never cheating etc and she swears she never would as she is completely happy with me.
I am thinking though with that number and her cheating past, does she not see sex as sacred and special? Now she of course has said its really special with me but I can't help feeling that it might be just lip service.. My paranoia kicking in again...
I do really love her, its a very intence relationship and tbh I think she is the best woman I have ever gone out with for looks and personality. I just feel unnerved.
Any thoughts please?

The number wouldn't bother me, nor would the kinky past, quite the opposite in fact!

But the infidelity would really worry me. It seems like a pattern of behaviour.

maguic24

x2b1 wrote: »

Hi all,
Myself and my girlfriend are both late 30s, I am with her 1 year now and we both had the discussion recently on our number etc.
She has told be that after long deliberation and recounting that it is 30 plus and she had had a swinger type situation in her last marriage with a married couple friend of theirs.
She has had many one night stands and she also admitted to infidelity in her marriage also, which she regrets. It was with her step brother at the time, a once off. This is something I had a problem with as she had been in recent contact with him through email, expressing love for him but insisting to me it was only familial love and that she was not "in love" with him.
She has admittted to cheating on a couple of boyfriends in her 20s also. She has also had sexual encounters with a few women also.
She is not from Ireland I could also add.
Now I write this as I am wondering should I have a problem with this? She has come clean etc. and she has been honest, so I really should not voice my opinion. I know its her past and her business and what she did when she was not with me should not matter etc.etc. and it is not my place.
Hearing all this has got me a bit paranoid and I'm thinking whats in store for me? We had the discussion on never cheating etc and she swears she never would as she is completely happy with me.
I am thinking though with that number and her cheating past, does she not see sex as sacred and special? Now she of course has said its really special with me but I can't help feeling that it might be just lip service.. My paranoia kicking in again...
I do really love her, its a very intence relationship and tbh I think she is the best woman I have ever gone out with for looks and personality. I just feel unnerved.
Any thoughts please?

I am not trying to be in any way smart, but has you gf got checked for STI's? I, personally, think you should get a checkup after changing sexual partners or if you've been on the prowl many a night and got lucky. Seems like she has!!

x2b1

With regard to STIs, yes she was checked about 6 months ago and I was given the all clear before I met her and I have not been with anyone after my check/before I met her. She also said she practised safe sex most of the time, which I believe as she was insistent on that when we first got together.

With regard to he cheating, she said that it happened mostly in her 20s with one particular boyfriend that she didnt think was serious and he cheated on her also. The other 2 boyfriends she had, she said she didnt cheat on them as such but when they had decided to call it a day and finish out the lease in the home they were living in, she went and found new sexual partners without telling them. She said that wasn't exactly cheating but she still kept it quiet as she was still sharing a bed with her exes.
She said with regard dating her husband, she kissed a couple of guys before they got married, one of them was a guy she worked with and it happened a week before she got married. She saw it as one last fling before she took her vows...
She ended up cheating on her husband 5 years later because she had endured very little sexual contact from him due to his impotence issues and she was really desperate for something. She said she really regretted it after and she had a huge amount of guilt as she really wanted to make the marriage work and respect her vows.

Thanks for all the replies, it really helps to get these view points

x2b1

username123 wrote: »

On the step-brother - this is definitely odd imo, although it depends what age they became step-siblings at.

Yes the step brother thing unnerved me also. They became step siblings at 11/12 years of age. It then went sexual at 27/28 but they didnt have full intercourse. She said it was him pushing for it.. She then had sex with him a number of year later when she was married. This is how she cheated on her husband.

Merkin

x2b1 wrote: »

She said with regard dating her husband, she kissed a couple of guys before they got married, one of them was a guy she worked with and it happened a week before she got married. She saw it as one last fling before she took her vows...

:rolleyes: I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

As for shagging her step brother whom she has known since they were children? Eeeeuggh.

heretochat

I think as merkin has identified there are two separate issues here:

(a) the number of partners - I have expressed my views on this in previous threads. I never ask the question of my partner as I see it as something belonging in the past. You asked and got an answer that has thrown you a bit..

(b) I think the pattern of cheating in her past is of far greater concern. I would not trust someone who seems to routinely cheat (one marriage gone to the wall already). Do you want to be constantly watching or her next moves? I wouldn't..

Also have you both been tested given her past record of promiscuity?

maria34

She seems to blame everyone else than herself (stepbrother pushed her for it, husband was impotent etc) no emphaty only her feelings count ( she felt quilty)

I wouldnt be with someone like this. She didnt even respect the marriage! Why she should be do respect your relationship now? I guess she wants you to know so she can find good excuses later when she cheats on you. For exapmple you didnt love her enough or didnt do this and that.

Big Bag of Chips

There does seem to be a lot of excuses, and reasons behind her cheating... None of which seem to be her fault ??!

It's hard to advise, OP, you know her, you know how she is in your relationship. On paper she doesn't seem like a trustworthy partner, but people can change.

How do you feel about all this? If it's making you uneasy, then you have to ask yourself is that your issue to work on, or is the relationship going to be an uphill struggle for you.... And if it is going to be an uphill struggle, is she really worth it?

You are the only one here who can answer that.

Chazz Michael Michaels

She kissed someone a week before marriage? One last fling? I'm glad I've reached the point in my life where I totally avoid women like her.

The Corinthian

x2b1 wrote: »

She has told be that after long deliberation and recounting that it is 30 plus and she had had a swinger type situation in her last marriage with a married couple friend of theirs.
She has had many one night stands and she also admitted to infidelity in her marriage also, which she regrets. It was with her step brother at the time, a once off. This is something I had a problem with as she had been in recent contact with him through email, expressing love for him but insisting to me it was only familial love and that she was not "in love" with him.
She has admittted to cheating on a couple of boyfriends in her 20s also. She has also had sexual encounters with a few women also.

Well clearly she has a far more polyamorous and liberal sexual outlook to you. Not a criticism only a statement of facts. Very incompatible facts unfortunately.

Personally I think it is a good thing you've found out now, because sooner or later it would come up and if you fall in the category of "sex is for that one special person" while she's in the "sex is fun, love optional" category; and these are often fundamentally incompatible. Don't try changing her and don't try changing yourself. Won't work.

So better you find out now than later when you're both more deeply committed.

She is not from Ireland I could also add.

Indeed, these foreign types and their wife-swapping ways... please don't say things like that; you don't come out looking well.

fungun

x2b1 wrote: »

She said with regard dating her husband, she kissed a couple of guys before they got married, one of them was a guy she worked with and it happened a week before she got married. She saw it as one last fling before she took her vows...
She ended up cheating on her husband 5 years later because she had endured very little sexual contact from him due to his impotence issues and she was really desperate for something. She said she really regretted it after and she had a huge amount of guilt as she really wanted to make the marriage work and respect her vows.

Just look through this quote slowly and see that she is not telling the truth.

She kissed a 'couple of guys'.
Then had 'one last fling'
Then 'cheated'

She is rationalising this to herself as it being acceptable. The 'guilt' she claims to feel has not meant she stopped.

She sounds like the kind of person who would find it acceptable to cheat because you were going through a bad patch, or away from each other, or on holidays....as long as there was some excuse she could use to rationalise it to herself and to you.

Personally, I could not accept this amount of worry....in a healthy relationship you will have down times & arguments......and you cannot spend all this time worrying that she might cheat.

Chazz Michael Michaels

fungun wrote: »

Just look through this quote slowly and see that she is not telling the truth.

She kissed a 'couple of guys'.
Then had 'one last fling'
Then 'cheated'

She is rationalising this to herself as it being acceptable. The 'guilt' she claims to feel has not meant she stopped.

She sounds like the kind of person who would find it acceptable to cheat because you were going through a bad patch, or away from each other, or on holidays....as long as there was some excuse she could use to rationalise it to herself and to you.

Personally, I could not accept this amount of worry....in a healthy relationship you will have down times & arguments......and you cannot spend all this time worrying that she might cheat.

Sums it up for me. Any old excuse, and she's off.

Tokyo

There seems to be a lot of insecure people in this thread, not just the OP. Yes, OP asked the question, and for sure, you should never ask a question that you don't want to hear a truthful answer to, but there's no unringing that bell now. So OP has to deal with it.

In my experience, a lot of us do things in out 20's and early 30's that, while we don't look back on it with regret, we wouldn't feel the need to repeat again either. Plenty of people lead an active sex life before they settle down in their thirties, and while your girlfriend's might be somewhat unconventional compared to what you are used to, there's no reason to believe that she is being any different.

The girl has been with you for a year, and you didn't seem to feel the need to worry about her up until now. You asked her about her sexual history and she was honest enough to tell you the whole truth, good and bad. And now, honestly, it seems like paranoia is kicking in more than anything else - she doesn't see sex as sacred and special, how do I measure up to these other guys, is she going to run off on me, etc etc.

The girl has told you that she loves you, that being with her is special to her, and so on. And up until she told you about her sexual past, that was enough for you. All of a sudden it isn't. She has a history now and you are full of certainty. But you are looking for either a virgin, or a guarantee. Neither is going to happen. So you have two choices really - accept who she is, past and all, and move on, or break up with her because of something you think she *might* do in the future. I personally hope you choose the former, because if it's the latter, it's her that deserves someone better, not you.

macplato

x2b1 wrote: »

We had the discussion on never cheating etc and she swears she never would as she is completely happy with me.

The real meaning of this is: "I'm not going to cheat on you as long as I'm completely happy with you, but if at some point in the future I don't find you as exciting as I do now, look into my past to see what I'll do".

You are still in a honeymoon phase of your relationship, and she seems to expect that she'll always be as smitten and excited about you as she is now. That's of course a very unrealistic expectation - in every committed relationship there are times when people can't quite see eye to eye - and this affects how we feel about our partners and about our relationships. Mature people work through difficulties and wait the difficult times out - with love and commitment. Some less mature people use this temporary dissatisfaction as an excuse to cheat. I think it's likely that she is in the second category, her track record suggests it alright.

Chazz Michael Michaels

mike_ie wrote: »

There seems to be a lot of insecure people in this thread, not just the OP. Yes, OP asked the question, and for sure, you should never ask a question that you don't want to hear a truthful answer to, but there's no unringing that bell now. So OP has to deal with it.

In my experience, a lot of us do things in out 20's and early 30's that, while we don't look back on it with regret, we wouldn't feel the need to repeat again either. Plenty of people lead an active sex life before they settle down in their thirties, and while your girlfriend's might be somewhat unconventional compared to what you are used to, there's no reason to believe that she is being any different.

The girl has been with you for a year, and you didn't seem to feel the need to worry about her up until now. You asked her about her sexual history and she was honest enough to tell you the whole truth, good and bad. And now, honestly, it seems like paranoia is kicking in more than anything else - she doesn't see sex as sacred and special, how do I measure up to these other guys, is she going to run off on me, etc etc.

The girl has told you that she loves you, that being with her is special to her, and so on. And up until she told you about her sexual past, that was enough for you. All of a sudden it isn't. She has a history now and you are full of certainty. But you are looking for either a virgin, or a guarantee. Neither is going to happen. So you have two choices really - accept who she is, past and all, and move on, or break up with her because of something you think she *might* do in the future. I personally hope you choose the former, because if it's the latter, it's her that deserves someone better, not you.

Not insecurity. Its experience. I'm in my mid 30s now, I've had a fair few relationships/romances, in my time. I've met some amazing women, kind, compassionate, ethical. I've also had the misfortune of meeting a few bad eggs. They are always the same. No matter how bad their past behaviour was, no matter how badly they treated their exes, there is always some excuse there to justify it. It is never simply them being a selfish asshole. People like this are simply bad news, because they simply lack the tools to be in a normal, loving relationship. They have a self destruct sequence written into their DNA, and there is NOTHING you can do to change it. It is best to avoid these types, there are plenty of great people out there.

Not insecurity. Experience.

The Corinthian

mike_ie wrote: »

Plenty of people lead an active sex life before they settle down in their thirties

That's a pretty depressing way of putting it.

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

Not insecurity. Its experience.

No, he got it right, TBH.

If she really was a bad egg, as so many people are falling over themselves to suggest, then she would not have admitted to even half of the things she admitted to - certainly not the cheating. Reality is that she just has a radically different approach to sex than the OP, and clearly many of the respondents here.

And she's been open about it. She's not into monogamy. You may be, but just because you are and she isn't doesn't make her a bad person, just makes you convinced that there's no other way of having a relationship, which of course is nonsense. There's plenty of ways of having relationships; I may not 'get' many of them, but at least I respect that others do and it works for them.

Now, it would appear that the OP may not be comfortable with this difference. Fair enough, so it probably better he knows that now than later that they're incompatible.

Tokyo

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

People like this are simply bad news, because they simply lack the tools to be in a normal, loving relationship. They have a self destruct sequence written into their DNA, and there is NOTHING you can do to change it.

Well as long as a certain percentage of people just aren't capable of being in a normal loving relationship, and all of this is encoded into our DNA and all... :rolleyes:

I for one am not going to recommend to the OP that he ditch this girl based on a presumption that she may hurt him in the future. Going by the OP's post, he was happy with this girl right up until they had this conversation. She has told him how she feels about him, and there is no reason to disbelieve that. And thankfully the OP is smart enough to have the belief that "its her past and her business and what she did when she was not with [him] should not matter", other than when personal insecurities kick in. I just hope that the OP manages to see past those and focus on the girl herself.


[edit]

The Corinthian wrote: »

That's a pretty depressing way of putting it.

Active in terms of multiple partners, not getting involved in serious relationships, etc

x2b1

mike_ie wrote: »

There seems to be a lot of insecure people in this thread, not just the OP. Yes, OP asked the question, and for sure, you should never ask a question that you don't want to hear a truthful answer to, but there's no unringing that bell now. So OP has to deal with it.

In my experience, a lot of us do things in out 20's and early 30's that, while we don't look back on it with regret, we wouldn't feel the need to repeat again either. Plenty of people lead an active sex life before they settle down in their thirties, and while your girlfriend's might be somewhat unconventional compared to what you are used to, there's no reason to believe that she is being any different.

The girl has been with you for a year, and you didn't seem to feel the need to worry about her up until now. You asked her about her sexual history and she was honest enough to tell you the whole truth, good and bad. And now, honestly, it seems like paranoia is kicking in more than anything else - she doesn't see sex as sacred and special, how do I measure up to these other guys, is she going to run off on me, etc etc.

The girl has told you that she loves you, that being with her is special to her, and so on. And up until she told you about her sexual past, that was enough for you. All of a sudden it isn't. She has a history now and you are full of certainty. But you are looking for either a virgin, or a guarantee. Neither is going to happen. So you have two choices really - accept who she is, past and all, and move on, or break up with her because of something you think she *might* do in the future. I personally hope you choose the former, because if it's the latter, it's her that deserves someone better, not you.

I agree, paranoia has set in as I'm worrying about something that has not happened yet.
And yes, I have asked the question, how do I measure up to these guys etc. This also plays into insecurity.
I will vouch for one thing though, I myself is a different man to what I was in my 20s. I do believe that people make mistakes and grow into better people from their experience, good or bad.
Also in relation to your point, she has treated me really well in the past year and has gone out of her way to show me that I could trust her. The only thing that has changed is this new knowledge. She has done nothing to make me concerned.
I would like to believe that people can change. In her own words, those times she did the cheating made her feel terrible even when she was not getting on with her husband. She said it was not worth it.

x2b1

One more thing, she said she never wants a relationship like she had with her ex husband ever again, which meant also, the swinging aspect.
I did ask her specifically about this, whether it was something she would like to explore in the future with me and she said def no way. She says that it was too fcked up and it didnt sit right with her and that I am more than enough for what she wants. That was comforting to hear....

Tokyo

x2b1 wrote: »

One more thing, she said she never wants a relationship like she had with her ex husband ever again, which meant also, the swinging aspect.
I did ask her specifically about this, whether it was something she would like to explore in the future with me and she said def no way. She says that it was too fcked up and it didnt sit right with her and that I am more than enough for what she wants. That was comforting to hear....

OP, it seems that, other than your own personal insecurities, you know what you want from this situation. So follow what you want, I wish you the best of luck.

x2b1

I do really appreciate the posts from all you people regarding this. It is good to read the different viewpoints indeed.

maguic24

x2b1 wrote: »

I agree, paranoia has set in as I'm worrying about something that has not happened yet.
And yes, I have asked the question, how do I measure up to these guys etc. This also plays into insecurity.
I will vouch for one thing though, I myself is a different man to what I was in my 20s. I do believe that people make mistakes and grow into better people from their experience, good or bad.
Also in relation to your point, she has treated me really well in the past year and has gone out of her way to show me that I could trust her. The only thing that has changed is this new knowledge. She has done nothing to make me concerned.
I would like to believe that people can change. In her own words, those times she did the cheating made her feel terrible even when she was not getting on with her husband. She said it was not worth it.

We've all done things in the past we regret OP, I am a completely different person to the person I was 5 years ago. Give her a chance, leave the past in the past. She hasn't cheated you or given you a reason to suspect she has. She also has been very honest with you.

maria34

x2b1 wrote: »

One more thing, she said she never wants a relationship like she had with her ex husband ever again, which meant also, the swinging aspect.
I did ask her specifically about this, whether it was something she would like to explore in the future with me and she said def no way. She says that it was too fcked up and it didnt sit right with her and that I am more than enough for what she wants. That was comforting to hear....

Yes swinging would mean that you can get out and explore other women too. Ofcourse she doesnt like it.

You are right- you cant drop her because of her past. So you have to see where this goes. Im pretty insecure i guess, too much hassle by the sounds of it tho.

x2b1

maria34 wrote: »

Yes swinging would mean that you can get out and explore other women too. Ofcourse she doesnt like it.

You are right- you cant drop her because of her past. So you have to see where this goes. Im pretty insecure i guess, too much hassle by the sounds of it tho.

I am open minded about what some adults like to do regarding swinging, its their own business. Its definitely not for me though.
I did try and trick her by saying I dont really have much of opinion on it as it is something I never considered. I was really trying to sound her out. When she said with conviction that she would never go there again, it was a relief.

sparkle109

From the sounds of it she has been very honest with you. People do things they may regret or wouldn't do again, depending on where they are in their lives and I think she was quite brave to tell you all of this. She hasn't given you any reason to doubt her so I would be inclined to try to move on. If she cares about you, she will continue to reassure you.

fungun

Maybe she has changed then....its a trust call. You sound like you do trust her and really want to trust her. This information has just knocked you off centre a bit.

The Corinthian

maria34 wrote: »

Yes swinging would mean that you can get out and explore other women too. Ofcourse she doesnt like it.

No, she may object for different reasons. For example, she may have no issue with his exploring other women and her objection to swinging may have been because of group sex.

She also may be objecting to swinging now because she's realized that the OP is much more conservative, has been freaked out by her stories and so she's backtracking.

But that she'd be against swinging because she doesn't like the idea of the OP with other women sounds more like projection; why you would object, as opposed to why she would object. Truth is, we don't know why she would, only that she's told the OP she would.

x2b1

fungun wrote: »

Maybe she has changed then....its a trust call. You sound like you do trust her and really want to trust her. This information has just knocked you off centre a bit.

Thanks, you are right, I really do want to trust her as I think she is worth it. She has given me no reason not to trust her. The info was a lot to take in. I dont want to be insecure as I thought I let that go about 20 years ago...
It is a trust call, I dont want to loose her over a "what if"

sparkle109

maybe you should ask yourself what you would regret more? If you break up with her over this and regret finishing what sounds to be a good relationship or stay with her and take the chance that she may or may not cheat. Which is a possibility in any relationship, regardless of how good it is.

x2b1

The Corinthian wrote: »

No, she may object for different reasons. For example, she may have no issue with his exploring other women and her objection to swinging may have been because of group sex.

She also may be objecting to swinging now because she's realized that the OP is much more conservative, has been freaked out by her stories and so she's backtracking.

But that she'd be against swinging because she doesn't like the idea of the OP with other women sounds more like projection; why you would object, as opposed to why she would object. Truth is, we don't know why she would, only that she's told the OP she would.

I think you may be partly right, she might have read my conservative view point but she also said that the only thing it did for her marriage was make it worse rather than better. She said that the swinging was something they did to try and improve their marriage. It didnt work.

The Corinthian

x2b1 wrote: »

I think you may be partly right, she might have read my conservative view point but she also said that the only thing it did for her marriage was make it worse rather than better. She said that the swinging was something they did to try and improve their marriage. It didnt work.

I think you probably need to find out what kind of relationship she would be happy in, in the long run and then decide if you can live with it. Or if the two of you could comfortably (and it's no use unless it is comfortably ) compromise for each other.

Are you compatible or not? Forget about thinking of it in such limited terms such as cheating, but of whether you can find a way where you are both comfortable in a relationship together. And if you can, great. If not move on sooner rather than later.

x2b1

sparkle109 wrote: »

maybe you should ask yourself what you would regret more? If you break up with her over this and regret finishing what sounds to be a good relationship or stay with her and take the chance that she may or may not cheat. Which is a possibility in any relationship, regardless of how good it is.

Yes, I would really regret breaking up over a risk.
TBH she has so many good points, great personality, funny and loving. She is also great in bed and our sex drives match. This was a problem for me before in other relationships that I would want it a lot more than my partner.
I have found someone thats wants it just as much as me and enjoys it. I would hate to let that go.

x2b1

The Corinthian wrote: »

I think you probably need to find out what kind of relationship she would be happy in, in the long run and then decide if you can live with it. Or if the two of you could comfortably (and it's no use unless it is comfortably ) compromise for each other.

Are you compatible or not? Forget about thinking of it in such limited terms such as cheating, but of whether you can find a way where you are both comfortable in a relationship together. And if you can, great. If not move on sooner rather than later.

Yes we are definitely compatable, we have a lot of fun together, like best mates. I did ask her what does she want in the future like could she be ok with just the one sexual partner. She said that with her husband and his impotence condition, it put a whole lot of strain on the marriage and his problem was more to do with him not really fancying her. She did say that he had no problem with his other partner during the swinging phase.
She believes that he just wasn't that into her.
She said that for the first time in years, I have made her feel attractive again and she really wants a future with me....

x2b1

With regard to swinging, I think I would have too many jealousy issues, in a group situation even it does sound a bit tittillating.

CaraMay

How did she explain away the stepbrother? Serious red flags that someone has sex with a guy who she was raised in the same house with.

The other issues can be rationalized but this can't.

x2b1

CaraMay wrote: »

How did she explain away the stepbrother? Serious red flags that someone has sex with a guy who she was raised in the same house with.

The other issues can be rationalized but this can't.

She said that she cant really explain it. It felt weird at the time and she was confused. She said that maybe her childhood effected her in the way that watching her mother go through 2 divorces.
She was then shipped off to live with her biological father and her dysfunctional alcoholic stepmother when she was 11 and because of that she did not have a normal childhood and it may have effected psychologically.

tara73

CaraMay wrote: »

How did she explain away the stepbrother? Serious red flags that someone has sex with a guy who she was raised in the same house with.

The other issues can be rationalized but this can't.

why's that? why can't she not fall in love with her stepbrother because she grew up with him? she probably always knew it was her stepbrother.

she is not in any way related to him, so no legal issues either. don't see the issue.
the only issue would be the cheating on her husband (with him) from my point of view.

x2b1

tara73 wrote: »

why's that? why can't she not fall in love with her stepbrother because she grew up with him? she probably always knew it was her stepbrother.

she is not in any way related to him, so no legal issues either. don't see the issue.
the only issue would be the cheating on her husband (with him) from my point of view.

She did always know it was her step brother, no blood relation

Tokyo

Why does she have to 'rationalise' it? Does anybody account to their other half for every single thing they've done before they met? Every regretful mistake they may have made? It's simple - you either like somebody for who they are and how they've treated you since you met them, or you don't....

CaraMay

x2b1 wrote: »

She said that she cant really explain it. It felt weird at the time and she was confused. She said that maybe her childhood effected her in the way that watching her mother go through 2 divorces.
She was then shipped off to live with her biological father and her dysfunctional alcoholic stepmother when she was 11 and because of that she did not have a normal childhood and it may have effected psychologically.

As another poster pointed out she blames everyone except herself. Each to their own but her moral compass wouldn't be to my liking.

x2b1

CaraMay wrote: »

As another poster pointed out she blames everyone except herself. Each to their own but her moral compass wouldn't be to my liking.

Thats fair enough.
I myself had to think about it but like what was said earlier, he was no blood relation.
I didnt have her upbringing but I do believe that my stable upbringing shaped who I am today. I am trying not to be judgemental.

P. Breathnach

OP, I know that for me a history like hers would be too much. That's not relevant to you, other than to let you know where I am coming from so that you can better judge how to take my opinions.

It looks to me as if you really want to be convinced that things can be okay in the future. Obviously, none of us can predict that. We are all trying to make a best guess. That includes you.

In my opinion, how she told you her history is important. I gather that you asked, and she answered. Did you drag it out of her, or was she reasonably forthcoming? Was it matter-of-fact, or was it a big deal where she was laying all the cards on the table as an indication of trust and commitment? Was there a message there along the lines of "Take me, and this is what you get."? Or was the message "I was like that, but I don't want to be like that again."?

On what you have said here so far, almost any answer is possible. I think you need to reflect more on how she told you than what she told you. I say that because you seem to believe that you can accept her past if it does not indicate some threat to your future together.

I am a little bit concerned about one of your posts:

Yes, I would really regret breaking up over a risk.
TBH she has so many good points, great personality, funny and loving. She is also great in bed and our sex drives match. This was a problem for me before in other relationships that I would want it a lot more than my partner.
I have found someone thats wants it just as much as me and enjoys it. I would hate to let that go.

I think it over-emphasises sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction. While they are important, good sex is not a basis for a relationship; it's a very desirable component. You need to be good companions and strong together during illnesses, or troubled financial times, or when stressed or depressed by the various problems that life throws at you.

But maybe my concern is unfounded, that you are focusing on the sex because this conversation is largely about her sex history.

x2b1

P. Breathnach wrote: »

In my opinion, how she told you her history is important. I gather that you asked, and she answered. Did you drag it out of her, or was she reasonably forthcoming? Was it matter-of-fact, or was it a big deal where she was laying all the cards on the table as an indication of trust and commitment? Was there a message there along the lines of "Take me, and this is what you get."? Or was the message "I was like that, but I don't want to be like that again."?

On what you have said here so far, almost any answer is possible. I think you need to reflect more on how she told you than what she told you. I say that because you seem to believe that you can accept her past if it does not indicate some threat to your future together.

Hi thanks for your reply.

I asked and I dragged it out of her over time, it was my morbid curiousity. Her message was, I was like that but I dont want to be like that again. she was embarrassed.

maguic24

mike_ie wrote: »

Does anybody account to their other half for every single thing they've done before they met? .

If this was the case, no one would be in a relationship, EVER. My bf was pretty open about his past, tbh I couldn't care less. I was actually really curious, as I was quite innocent. :P What's in the past is in the past. That's just my opinion. Should be left there if ya ask me.