Confidence and Self Esteem issues

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just asking for a little advice/pointers in the right direction

Im male and mid 30s, not suffering with depression, but could be on the way towards it if Im not careful.

Im single, it hasnt bothered me too much until recently. I just see friends and people I went to school with married/engaged/having kids etc and I dont have the confidence to chat up a girl.

I dont drive, although I know I should, but I just feel that I wont get the hang of it, so I keep putting it off. I cant talk to my parents, as they are going through a lot....both are sick or have been sick over the last couple of years, so they have enough to worry about, and my best mates (the only ones I would open up to) are under pressure with buying a house and twin babies.

Who should I go to just for a few pointers to get me back on track I suppose. Im reluctant to go to the family doctor, mainly because I dont want to be put on any medication. Probably just being foolish on that.

Can anyone recommend a course of action/ideas on what to do? I dont want to be feeling like this and I suppose I just need a shove in the right direction

Thanks in advance

CBW

Tokyo

Sounds like you're halfway towards being motivated already, to tell the truth. But if you want someone to talk things through with, see if there's a counsellor in the area. You don't need to be in the throes of dispair to book an appointment with a counsellor - quite often it's just good to have someone impartial like that to chat to, who has dealt with these situations before and who can give you honest feedback.

Step 2. Apply for your provisional license, and book some lessons!

Grayfoxy

Heya CBW,

Right, first thing you do, go to your library, get the driving test book, read it a couple of times, then do the practice exams (you can get this on disk for a computer as well to better simulate the theory test), while doing this, book in for your theory test. It is fairly simple, mainly common sense and does explain the lesser known rules of the road. Once you get this, gogo get your lessons in

Secondly, as the above said, I would go speak to a councilor to see if they can help out. The only thing is, councilors do not give you answers, they help you find the answer to your own question. But they are great in order to talk to someone.

In relation to your best friends who are buying a house, yes, it is a stressful time, however, you could offer them around to yours for dinner or something like that, it is cheap enough to have a night in at home, just say to them that you feel like you need to talk to them (and mention the above items that are on your mind)

For the medication, well, we are not allowed give medical advice here, so I won't, but I will tell you my experience (without suggesting anything) I was suffering from manic depression and my doctor put me on anti-depressants, I decided after about 2 months I did not like them so stopped taking them and after a while (5 months) I am getting out of the "rut" I was in thanks to good friends and family who supported me. Guess they are not for everyone.

Don't be worrying about the people you grew up with or went to school with getting married and having kids etc. you are only 30, if it is what you want, it will happen for you at some stage. When you say you don't even know how to chat up a girl, I was exactly the same, I had no self confidence and self security issues, then about 2 weeks ago I said "fudge it, what have I got to loose", so ended up out on Saturday, met a lovely girl and etc. etc. etc., and now I feel great, I don't see myself having a problem going up and chatting to a girl that I like. (bearing in mind, there were quite a few rejections before that) My suggestion would be to go out with a group of people as it starts off easy in a group, then see what happens.

I wish you the best of luck!

LegacyUser

OP here again,

Thanks for the advice.

In case you were getting in trouble with bans/warnings Grayfoxy, I was just saying that I didnt want to go on medication, hence my reluctance to visit my doctor, rather than looking for medical advice.

Going to look at counsellors in my area, and also the driving licence. Might give the online dating thing a go as well, always sort of looked down on it but going to bite the bullet.

Thanks again

Grayfoxy

op again wrote: »

OP here again,

Thanks for the advice.

In case you were getting in trouble with bans/warnings Grayfoxy, I was just saying that I didnt want to go on medication, hence my reluctance to visit my doctor, rather than looking for medical advice.

Going to look at counsellors in my area, and also the driving licence. Might give the online dating thing a go as well, always sort of looked down on it but going to bite the bullet.

Thanks again

Oh, I wasn't, I was more so saying it so the topic didn't go down that road

But sounds good Best of luck!

Est28

I can only repeat what I've said on other threads yet many people (who've clearly never been to a councellor themselves) disagree with, but...

Forget councellors... Their job is to listen. That is all. They do not give help or advice, they are not allowed to.
For the love of god, the poor OP just needs a little motivation and a pointer in the right direction. Can we stop the diagnosis's of everyone with the slightest problem needing medication and having chronic depression, it's ridiculously irresponsible. The OP said themselves, this is not the case.

OP,
I can identify somewhat, at least in my earlier 20's. I was cripplingly shy and quiet. It was tough.
Look... I did the doctors and the councellors thing at the time on recommendations but I always left more frustrated than ever. I felt I wasn't depressed or didn't have any real problems, I just didn't have the skills to do what I wanted. And they wouldn't give me answers.

The thing that got me going was reaching the point where I realized nobody would get me going but ME.

If you want to learn to drive, do as the above post said and go to the library, read the material and rules, etc...
Schedule a lesson. Realize as the time approaches you'll work yourself up, get anxious, probably want to cancel.... And then go and do it anyway!!!
Realise that it is an hour out of your life. One hour and you'll be back home again to do as you like with the rest of your day but at the very least you won't be 60 or 70 and still feeling as you do now.

On meeting women. Again, if you don't regularly meet women, it's a big deal in your head. But if you're used to being around women, it's no big deal anymore, it just becomes familiar.
There's lots of advice on the web about this stuff but the basic thing is, don't build it up in your head. If you see someone nice, say Hello, if she says Hi back then just have a chat like you would with a friend and ask if they'd grab a drink with you. Just make it feel casual like you've known them all your life instead of appearing awkward like it's some big approach.
Also remember, even some women turn down George Clooney, some people like us, some don't. Don't ever get disheartened if someone turns you down, the next one won't.

But no matter what you want to do. It's YOU who has to do it at the end of the day. The internet can give you info on almost any topic you need help finding where to go or how to start.
But a councellor or doctor or friend or priest or anyone else, cannot do it for you. You've got to get up, swallow your pride, feel the anxiety and do it anyway, do it for yourself and reward yourself for the achievement.

It'll work out great them.

Stavro Mueller

Est28. I don't want to get into a debate with you over counselling but I can assure you that they don't just sit there and nod sagely. If the OP still finds himself struggling, he might benefit from the likes of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), roleplay or simply a complete stranger giving him a different perspective on how he views the world. It is true that counsellors don't give advice, nor should they. But if they can help him view the world differently to the way he is now, then it's not a route to be ruled out.

Tokyo

Est28, with all due respect, I think it is more irresponsible to make such a sweeping generalisation of counsellors, and counselling in general. While it may not be for everybody, apparently not you, some people do benefit from having somebody to bounce ideas off as to what they want to do in their lives. Nobody is diagnosing the OP, or telling him that he *needs* to see a counsellor, but the OP did specifically ask:

"Who should I go to just for a few pointers to get me back on track I suppose."

...and a chat with a counsellor is certainly a legitimate course of action should he choose it.

Est28

As I said,
When I was younger, I could totally understand where this OP is coming from. I went to several councellors on families advice to help get my up and moving more. They and most people here are of the perception that councellors are these magic gateways to answers.

The reason I visited several is that each one told me that they could not provide answers. After speaking with each several times, I asked them what their advice was since they were not offering any, just asking me to talk and talk.
They were quite forthright in telling me, that as part of their job, they are not allowed to give advice. They cannot advise someone to do something which could later mean someone comes back to them saying they gave the wrong advice of actions to take, they would be in trouble for that and going against what they are allowed do for their job.

After the first, I tried another councellor, then another as my family insisted I had just not clicked with the ones I tried first. "Of course they are there to help. Tell them your problems and they will give you advice how to solve it" they would say...

Same with people on here... they throw around advice while I can only assume thye have never been to a councellor in their life judging by how those people see the description of a councellor.

I'm only saying it because the OP said himself, he's not looking for professional help or medication. He's looking for adice on ACTIONS to take to actieve what he wants.

I can only say what's worked for me and it's worked quite well. I feel I'm entitled to at least offer some of my own experiences which might help the OP than troll out the same advice over and over again around here... Oh stubbed your toe? See a councellor... Have chronic depression and suicidal thoughts? Oh see, a councellor... They are NOT the same thing and if someone asks advice here, then we are all entitled to give our opinion but I fail to see how giving the OP real world advice which ACTUALLY DID WORK for me as well as letting him know what he's in for with a councellor so he knows whether that is for him or not, I just completely fail to see how that is "irresponsible".

Each to his own though. Usually when someone tries to help me, a simple "thanks" is appreciated. I'll know better in future.

mary55

First thing i would say is learn to drive it will do you wonders for your confidence not to mention make your life
Easier in terms of getting around