Is it possible to be broke beyond repair

LegacyUser

Hey peeps.

This might well be a long read, will try keep it on point.

Ok I am a 35 year old guy, and have had a few relationships. The last two were really bad for various reasons I should have walked long before I did, or they did. I had to deal with some horrible things, being cheated on, abused verbally and physically and worst damage of all was mentally. I just feel like I was smashed into a billion tiny broken pieces.

I used to be a bubbly outgoing lively active guy, and now even I know I am a shell of my former self. I used to be able to control my feelings and emotions, sometimes I felt exactly like Dexter (without killing people lol!) in seeing people almost as alien in a way. Their emotional outpours used to be weird to me. Not to say I didn't show love and affection to those I cared about of course.Then in the last year or more all that control and composure went the way of the dodo, it is like it was a crack in the dam wall and now it pours out of me like so many depths of water.

Even the smallest of things sets me off and I can end up in floods of tears (rarely if ever cried before) like I watched a video on youtube there of a soldier coming home from Afghanistan and his dog reacting to the surprise and I was in floods actually sobbing.

Another thing which kills me, and even typing it is hard. The most recent ex, I was with her for five years. She hurt me in ways that I didn't even know I could hurt. I am still in love with her and think of her every single ****ing day. We broke up over three years ago and she is either just engaged or is already married. I blocked her on facebook so I wouldn't torture myself looking at her things.

I cannot control my feelings at all, I should hate her and sometimes I do. If I think of her in a good way I try think of the bad things she did to me to try and control it. Doesn't ever work in fact makes it worse because it is like I am reliving that pain. My heart even now is thumping out of my chest...

I hate that everyone seems to be happy and I wake up wishing I didn't (The rare times I do sleep) I drag my way through each day in a miserable facade. I have done counselling, and tried to take anti depressants but neither worked. I am not suicidal and know I wont do anything to harm myself (Except maybe a heavy drinking session here and there lol) but I just don't know how I can possibly fix myself.

I am so sorry that was so long, it really is not even the half of the measure but in short, has anyone ever been so broken and been able to be happy again?

Thanks for sticking with my story, it has taken me over an hour to write it.

December2012

You could try counselling again, or some other form of therapy to help you regulate and happily be more emotionally stable.

Perhaps a chat with your GP would help?

blatantrereg

The occasional heavy drinking session might be something to leave off. Drink is not a good idea when you're down like you describe. Just makes you worse - and I mean well after it has left your system and any hang-over has passed.

Yes I have felt like you describe and passed through it and became happy. So no I wouldn't think you are permanently broken. You are just sad and withdrawn. Best to focus on yourself and disregard relationships for a bit - past or potential future ones - though casual dating is probably a good idea.

ceannbui

Leave women and drink alone for a while. Get some hobbies, contact old mates or make new mates, get involved in some sport. Look after yourself and consider counseling of some description

ceannbui

Leave women and drink alone for a while. Get some hobbies, contact old mates or make new mates, get involved in some sport. Look after yourself and consider counseling of some description

Tokyo

OP, have you spoken to your GP about this recently, or possibly a counsellor? We can't cross into the threshold of giving you medical advice here, but based on what you have described, I really think that you should speak to a professional about how you feel. I know that you say that you have dealt with both before, but I think it would be worth your while going down that road again, as these people are equipped to help you with your situation far more than we can...

Ham Sambo

Honestly, I think you should pa a visit to your GP, won't do one bit of harm.

thefeatheredcat

Broken_fella wrote: »

has anyone ever been so broken and been able to be happy again

Yes. A few years ago my life was in complete tatters, it was a miserable time and between the stresses and anxieties and depression and various situations that all got on top of me, I felt so broken that I couldn't be fixed, but gradually I worked through the situation and gradually over time began to feel happier.

Op it sounds like you treated the ending of the relationship as a bereavement, and have tortured yourself a bit over it. I don't think you have really let yourself express the full range of emotions about your ex. Acknowledging your emotions, even negative ones such as acknowledging anger towards your ex's behaviour, how she treated you, is important, it is a part of allowing yourself to move on in processing not just the information, but the emotions too. And there's nothing wrong with being emotionally overwhelmed, crying is part of a healing process, a reaction to situations and stimuli, as well as other emotions and bad memories.

I have to agree with everyone here, speak to your GP. I think counseling like CBT might be something worthwhile in going to. I think working through your range of emotions and having help confronting what happened and how you feel about how you were treated would be of benefit to you, to help you move forward.

The question really is that you have to ask yourself is: do you want to change? Do you really, really, really want to change? Do you want your situation and emotional state to change? It is worth thinking on... and worth moving through knowing where you are at in terms of wanting to change, whether you are at the stage of considering change, or about to take action to make positive changes.

Take back control of your life; look at this way, you're not living a life, you're dragging yourself through it, you're still being effected and affected by your ex, despite them not actually being in your life, but from the situation you were in and the behaviours at the time on your ex's part. Your ex is, in effect, still having a controlling part on your life as she weighs on your mind and in your heart. You need to take back that control and start a life for you.

It will take time, and courage to change OP, to work through what you've experienced and what you feel, but if you're committed to yourself to follow through on getting help from GP and counseling, then you will be doing yourself a massive favour.

Y'know something OP, during that time in my life, every day practically, every full moon, every birthday, every christmas, I only ever had one wish: to be and feel happy. I wished for happiness so much, but it could not just magically happen; And it eventually came true through a lot of hard work on my part in helping myself. Over this weekend, I was reading a self help book I bought years ago (and only finally started), there was an exercise to write down a wish list.... first thing I wrote down on that list was "happiness". Even though I would consider myself happy, staying happy, being happy is an important thing to me, because it took me a long journey to find happiness for myself that I needed.

Something that was a great comfort to me and I've suggested before, is to read the Dalai Lama's "Compassion and the Individual". I don't know if it will offer the same to you, at all, but maybe t might help you in some way.