Married to a Passive Agressive Man

Fooled2014

We have been married 15 years and we have 2 wonderful kids.In that time I have paid the mortgage (€100K in total)solely on our jointly owned house, furnished the house, paid for all household stuff, weekly food, clothes for kids, school books, uniforms, few holidays etc while my husband always told me he had "no money" and I never put pressure on him for money because I believed him and loved him - I did not think he would lie to me. He is a typical Irish Farmer - playing the poormouth. Well he has played me for 15 years and I am in total shock as I do not recognise the man I married. Just before Christmas he told my brother he was leaving me and taking the kids. He had not got the decency to tell me to my face. When I asked him if this was true - he said he was thinking about it. I did reply that he should think about it below with his mother (as he had never let go of the apron strings -going to her every day of our marriage updating her on our / my business - which he knew annoyed me and despite me asking him not to tell her my business he continued and completely ignored my feelings ) He got out the suitcase, puts on a huge dramatic scene in front of our 2 very upset children saying he was leaving and that it was my fault and storms off.

When we got married I gave him €15K (my life savings) to invest in his farm as he had "no money". We have borrowed (well he arranged the loans with the bank on his own - he did not include me in the discussions but just got me to sign the bank documents when they came out in the post) over the years and I am on every single loan (all farm loans) that he has . However, he has a farm account which is solely in his name and he pays himself from. We have a joint account which he writes wages for himself as well and his staff from.He will not let me see this Joint account cheque book - says he does not know where it is but has written cheques in November. I have not received a penny from him in 15years and now he wants us to separate but live in the same house and leave things (he hadn't spelt it out but this means financially) as they are. I needed money in July last year when I was out of work and he refused to give me any. He told my family he would set up a DD of €800 a month in July but it didn't happen until Christmas Eve. He refused to give me any money from July - December, having seen me crying, pleading, begging him but there was no reaction from him at all. When I asked him about helping out he just ignores me - stonewalling me, giving me the silent treatment, told my family lies, told my children I had the problem. He did not speak to me for 8 solid weeks. Sick of his behaviour I started snooping in his financials. First thing I discovered was a €20K lodgement to the farm account - he had spent €16K in July on animals when he told me he had no money plus received a milk cheque for €18K. When I asked him he said the loan was from his uncle????? The more questions I asked the more I realised he was just filling me with lies when he was speaking. Other times he would not answer me. I started to tape our conversations as my parents / siblings did not believe me when I told them he was a Jekell and Hyde character. They believed all his lies. He always plays it cool, the one who will help out anyone, heavily involved in the parish - Classic Street Angel. He owns 80 acres of land which is solely in his name.We both own the house - which I pay for solely. He is getting €100 cash per week from a rental property and keeps that for himself as well as paying himself from the business. Over the period of our marriage he had been totally irresponsible with money and now he wants to walk away which I find very hard to stomach. EG: In 2006 he bought a tractor worth €60K (without even telling me - said his father knew) - (our house cost £40k to build) - in 2009 he sold land and received a cheque for €80K and paid off the tractor(told me it cost €35K and dose not remember what he did with the rest???? He never discussed any of his business dealings with me over the years, excluded me from Bank Meetings / Accountant Meetings, hid the bank statements / post. I have been taken completely for a FOOL by this frauder and am looking for advise. I am liable for a debt of almost €500,000 which I have signed for with my husband and I only own a part share in the house.

I have no control over his spending as he will not set up a joint farm account or even tell me what he is writing cheques for. He is a passive aggressive man, He has told me the marriage was over 6/7 years ago which is a complete shock to me. I cannot believe this is the man I married - he tells me there is no-one else involved but he goes out and stays away some nights. Any discussions I try to have with him at all he storms out and is gone for the night. Looking at this I see he is waiting for any excuse to leave blaming me that I wont leave him alone. He is behaving in such a childish manner, has totally disrespected me over the years (his family as well - they do not speak to me because their son is having marriage problems ????? God only knows what he told them. I asked him to go to marriage councilling and on the 1st night (and only joint one we went to ) he said he wanted to go to separate councilling??? blamed me that I wouldn't let him speak - totalling untrue. I am heartbroken at the manner in which he has treated me and the kids. He has never paid for a holiday for us. I have rang the bank today to see if I could be released from the loans but they said no and that we need to go in and discuss it with them but my husband wont discuss any of this with me let alone go into the bank. I asked him at Christmas could we go into the bank together to try and sort out the mess but he has refused. This is crazy stuff and I have instructed my solicitor to write to him but I feel if he has been feeling like this for 6/7 years he has done a lot of preparing ie moving assets, another bank account etc and I know he will drag out this legal separation where as he just wanted to separate without any legal agreement. Has anyone any advise on how to deal with this nasty mean horrible man. He has always said that I have controlled him but this is not the case at all. Just to note he is stating to pay the house mortgage in February after 15 years which I think may be on legal advice. Any comments / advice welcome?

Taltos

OP I have given you your own thread. Please don't hijack someone else's issue.

Thanks
Taltos

augustus gloop

Very complicated case, and you have my sympathy in what sounds like a horrible situation. You really need to get some good legal representation on your side.
All I can offer you is best wishes.

sawdoubters

first off I would find all his hidden bank accounts

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/

desbrook

OP this is a very messy complicated case by all accounts . As stated above expert legal opinion is required . Do NOT take the word of one solicitor either (personal experience ) .

Overall you need to forget the emotional stuff that has gone on . I understand it hurts - been there - but it has no place in the courtroom or solicitors office or even mediators office . If we could all be compensated for the times our spouses lied/evaded the truth manipulated us we'd get no work done and be in court all day !! Such things especially if they are from years before are effectively condoned by you by your continuation of the marriage . He will have his side and it would be "he said/she said" . Even an affair would make little difference under our system .

Get another solicitor's advice if even you are perfectly happy with what your current one says . they will either echo what you've been told and you'll know to stay put OR they'll have a different angle you may wish to investigate . You have nothing to lose bar 100 euro which is small fry in this . From experience the less you tell your OH the better too .

LegacyUser

just hope you are feeling better after getting that off your chest -but you are right he manipulated you and took you for a fool who did everything for him -god knows what hes been doing when he goes off! Can you trust him still? emotionally he has abused you and not shown you any respect for what you did. he needs a good shaking up and be put in his place - once and or all-
you were way too good for this type of man and now he thinks he can continue walking over you
hope you find the peace and contentment you deserve after all this is over.


<Mod note: Poster - textspeak is not permitted here, posts that contain text speak are not normally approved or updated to allow people to read them, instead we will just to delete them. Thanks Taltos>

janja

omg this is serious stuff , don't let it be on an open forum
op please feel free to contact me im not a pro but have similar experience

Taltos

janja - per our charter please don't ask others to get into private consul with you - this is as much to protect you as it them.