Why do guys do this?

scarymoon1

Men can you answer this - why do you flirt with girls and offer them drinks then when it comes to the crunch you say you've already gone on dates with someone else!! This has happened me numerous times - flirting, texting and then nothing as they drop in casually "oh I'm kinda seeing someone else". So annoyed/upset it keeps happening to me! To count this has happened me 3 times

Grayfoxy

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Men can you answer this - why do you flirt with girls and offer them drinks then when it comes to the crunch you say you've already gone on dates with someone else!! This has happened me numerous times - flirting, texting and then nothing as they drop in casually "oh I'm kinda seeing someone else". So annoyed/upset it keeps happening to me! To count this has happened me 3 times

Well, personally, I don't do that, in saying that, flirting and offering drinks would be a huge step for me cause I just don't know how to talk to women....

And in saying that, most of my friends don't do that, HOWEVER, I do have one friend, and I don't know how he does it, but he is amazing when it comes to women, he just has a gift. He thinks of it as a challenge to get flirty and stuff to see how far he can get with them, in fact, when he was with his ex, she used to encourage him to go over to some girls and start flirting (I don't know why she did it, maybe it was a turn on for her or something....)

In saying that, he is the only one I know who does that.

Alternatively, perhaps they are just looking for company, or a chat, or are being nice which you may interpret as a flirt. If you are anything like me, you wouldn't know when someone is flirting with you or not :P

Edit: Oh, and just in relation to the frustration and upsetting part, imagine how guys feel when they are buying drinks because a girl is into them, but it turns out they just wanted free drinks.

lajoie

To put it simply, usually I think it's just a confidence booster for them. They want to feel that they can still get a girl if they so desire.

Frank Black

I'll take this one on behalf of 'men'.

They enjoy flirting with women but really they're just not that into you.

scarymoon1

How can you flirt with someone though that your not into or fancy?! I couldn't make myself flirt with someone I didn't fancy!

Grayfoxy

scarymoon1 wrote: »

How can you flirt with someone though that your not into or fancy?! I couldn't make myself flirt with someone I didn't fancy!

Why? Girls do it quite frequently for free drinks. (I know several girls who go out on a night out knowing they only have to pay for their taxi home) It is not all that strange. As one previous poster mentioned (well, I wouldn't say a confidence boost) it could be a c*** boost.

Tokyo

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Men can you answer this - why do you flirt with girls and offer them drinks then when it comes to the crunch you say you've already gone on dates with someone else!! This has happened me numerous times - flirting, texting and then nothing as they drop in casually "oh I'm kinda seeing someone else". So annoyed/upset it keeps happening to me! To count this has happened me 3 times

Kind of a stretch to say that "all men do this", but I guess it does happen a bit more nowadays. In a lot of ways it's just te tables being turned on women - as Grayfoxy pointed out, I know of quite a few girls that will go out for a night on the town with no money, their plan being to get free drinks out of guys throughout the course of the night 0 it can't work both ways.

I think it's become an acceptable part of the game - to flirt, a few text, whatever, without taking it too seriously. And I think that's the problem right there - you are taking it too seriously, too early. At least the guys are honest enough to tell you that they are seeing somebody else, rather than trying to lead you on.

Grayfoxy

mike_ie wrote: »

Kind of a stretch to say that "all men do this", but I guess it does happen a bit more nowadays. In a lot of ways it's just te tables being turned on women - as Grayfoxy pointed out, I know of quite a few girls that will go out for a night on the town with no money, their plan being to get free drinks out of guys throughout the course of the night 0 it can't work both ways.

I think it's become an acceptable part of the game - to flirt, a few text, whatever, without taking it too seriously. And I think that's the problem right there - you are taking it too seriously, too early. At least the guys are honest enough to tell you that they are seeing somebody else, rather than trying to lead you on.

But we are the mugs who fall for it.....EVERY FRICKEN TIME!

scarymoon1

Well when a guy tells me how good looking I am and texts me a lot I can't help but "fall" for it. Even if it is lies!

Grayfoxy

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Well when a guy tells me how good looking I am and texts me a lot I can't help but "fall" for it. Even if it is lies!

It is the world we live in unfortunately. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you are wrong or anything (I actually agree with you), just saying women are as bad as men for this carry on. (when I say men and women, I don't mean all men or women by the way)

scarymoon1

Well I suppose I'm guilty of wanting ego boosts too. I get rejected by one guy and I know a guy in work likes me so I go back to him for more compliments. I suppose what goes around comes around

Grayfoxy

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Well I suppose I'm guilty of wanting ego boosts too. I get rejected by one guy and I know a guy in work likes me so I go back to him for more compliments. I suppose what goes around comes around

Erm, so, forgive me for being blunt, but you are complaining about something some men do to you, that you do to others?

What are you looking for? A decent guy to have a relationship with or just your bit?

Why not give it a go with the guy you work with?

Meauldsegosha

scarymoon1 wrote: »

This has happened me numerous times - flirting, texting and then nothing as they drop in casually "oh I'm kinda seeing someone else". So annoyed/upset it keeps happening to me! To count this has happened me 3 times

The "seeing someone" excuse is just that an excuse. They met you, chatted over text and then realised they weren't interested in you. They use the "seeing someone" excuse instead of saying they don't really like you.

Sorry to be blunt it is a live lesson women have to learn.

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Well when a guy tells me how good looking I am and texts me a lot I can't help but "fall" for it. Even if it is lies!

You need to toughen up a bit and stop taking everything at face value. If this has happened to you twice why would you let it happen a third?

Liger vs Tigon

It's like when you go fishing and throw the fish back in the sea. Some men just like flirting but don't want to eat the fish.

scarymoon1

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

The "seeing someone" excuse is just that an excuse. They met you, chatted over text and then realised they weren't interested in you. They use the "seeing someone" excuse instead of saying they don't really like you.

Sorry to be blunt it is a live lesson women have to learn




You need to toughen up a bit and stop taking everything at face value. If this has happened to you twice why would you let it happen a third?

No he has gone on dates with a girl, he didn't make it up. So I suppose it's the decent thing to do not to be "seeing" 2 people at once. Ah I'm over him anyways!!

scarymoon1

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Erm, so, forgive me for being blunt, but you are complaining about something some men do to you, that you do to others?

What are you looking for? A decent guy to have a relationship with or just your bit?

Why not give it a go with the guy you work with?

I'm not looking for a serious relationship, I wouldn't know that until I meet the right person. The guy in work is a bit younger than me and I don't think I fancy him enough!

Meauldsegosha

scarymoon1 wrote: »

No he has gone on dates with a girl, he didn't make it up. So I suppose it's the decent thing to do not to be "seeing" 2 people at once. Ah I'm over him anyways!!

I thought there was three of them, who had flirted with you?? Did you see him on the date with this girl? The word naive come to mind.

As I said previously stop taking the things these men tell you at face value.

scarymoon1

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

I thought there was three of them, who had flirted with you?? Did you see him on the date with this girl? The word naive come to mind.

As I said previously stop taking the things these men tell you at face value.

I meant the same happened with 3 guys in the past, not now at the same time. Fair enough il assume he was lying to my face about the girl then!

strobe

Some guys (or girls) just enjoy flirting or being flirted with. See it as just a bit of fun. Some wouldn't even consider or realise that it was flirting and just consider themselves to be having a bit of a laugh with someone.

Also some girls (and guys) have a tendency to take up any polite or friendly communication as flirting when it might be nothing of the sort, so tend to end up getting the wrong side of the stick and are left a bit confused when nothing comes of it.

Some guys (or girls) may start off flirting with someone to see if they click with them, realise they dont, and so try to let that person down gently in some way.

My advice would be to take flirting for what it is, nothing but flirting, just a little bit of fun and maybe sometimes a way to find out if there's chemistry with someone. If it goes somewhere go with it. If it doesn't, no harm done, its not a big deal.

No one owes you anything, and you owe no one anything, just because you've exchanged a few flirty remarks or texts.

scarymoon1

strobe wrote: »

Some guys (or girls) just enjoy flirting or being flirted with. See it as just a bit of fun. Some wouldn't even consider or realise that it was flirting and just consider themselves to be having a bit of a laugh with someone.

Also some girls (and guys) have a tendency to take up any polite or friendly communication as flirting when it might be nothing of the sort, so tend to end up getting the wrong side of the stick and are left a bit confused when nothing comes of it.

Some guys (or girls) may start off flirting with someone to see if they click with them, realise they dont, and so try to let that person down gently in some way.

My advice would be to take flirting for what it is, nothing but flirting, just a little bit of fun and maybe sometimes a way to find out if there's chemistry with someone. If it goes somewhere go with it. If it doesn't, no harm done, its not a big deal.

No one owes you anything, and you owe no one anything, just because you've exchanged a few flirty remarks or texts.

I didn't say he owed me anything. When I see him again I shall ignore his remarks as I live with his best mate. At least now I know he's only after an ego boost and il be ready for his rubbish

Tokyo

1. Guy meets girl
2. Guy flirts with girl
3. Girl happy to be flirted with, bought a drink or two
4. Numbers exchanged
5. A few flirty texts
6. One person loses interest, lets the other down gently.
7. Rinse, repeat.

Women are as responsible for creating that playing field as guys are.....

If it's happened to you three times, it hardly counts as "every guy out there". Be a little more patient, or meet people in environments other where it's customary to have to buy a girl a drink in order to get her attention....

scarymoon1

mike_ie wrote: »

1. Guy meets girl
2. Guy flirts with girl
3. Girl happy to be flirted with, bought a drink or two
4. Numbers exchanged
5. A few flirty texts
6. One person loses interest, lets the other down gently.
7. Rinse, repeat.

Women are as responsible for creating that playing field as guys are.....

If it's happened to you three times, it hardly counts as "every guy out there". Be a little more patient, or meet people in environments other where it's customary to have to buy a girl a drink in order to get her attention....

He never bought me a drink, we met through friends. It really gets to me too that my friend seems smug a guy wasn't interested in me again

Grayfoxy

scarymoon1 wrote: »

He never bought me a drink, we met through friends. It really gets to me too that my friend seems smug a guy wasn't interested in me again

You said that guys "flirt with you and buy you drinks", no?

scarymoon1

Grayfoxy wrote: »

You said that guys "flirt with you and buy you drinks", no?

In this case he offered over text. In other cases bought yes

Tokyo

scarymoon1 wrote: »

It really gets to me too that my friend seems smug a guy wasn't interested in me again

Which makes me wonder which is bothering you more - the fact that the guy lost interest, or the fact that your friend is rubbing it in your face...?

scarymoon1

mike_ie wrote: »

Which makes me wonder which is bothering you more - the fact that the guy lost interest, or the fact that your friend is rubbing it in your face...?

Both but the fact she is so smug makes me react even more and put pressure on things to make them work so I can say to her - look your not so smug now.

Tokyo

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Both but the fact she is so smug makes me react even more and put pressure on things to make them work so I can say to her - look your not so smug now.

So, they guy, you could take him or leave him. IT's more being able to say "**** you" to your friend about this?

scarymoon1

mike_ie wrote: »

So, they guy, you could take him or leave him. IT's more being able to say "**** you" to your friend about this?

Well no he was nice but I barely know him. It's prob more to do with my friend

Tokyo

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Well no he was nice but I barely know him. It's prob more to do with my friend

Ever think it could be possible that the guy picked up on the fact that *you* weren't particularly interested in *him* then????!!!

You want to use the guy as a weapon in a pissing competition with your friend. Which would put you in the wrong here, not him for not staying in touch...

scarymoon1

mike_ie wrote: »

Ever think it could be possible that the guy picked up on the fact that *you* weren't particularly interested in *him* then????!!!

You want to use the guy as a weapon in a pissing competition with your friend. Which would put you in the wrong here, not him for not staying in touch...

No I DID like him - I wouldn't just like anyone. But there was a part of it to prove my friend wrong too. I feel under a lot of pressure when I meet guys to make it work to please my parents, friends etc. I'm 30 and single and everyone I know is attached so I feel like I'm suffocating to make it work!!! And I know this is wrong.

Tokyo

scarymoon1 wrote: »

No I DID like him - I wouldn't just like anyone. But there was a part of it to prove my friend wrong too. I feel under a lot of pressure when I meet guys to make it work to please my parents, friends etc. I'm 30 and single and everyone I know is attached so I feel like I'm suffocating to make it work!!! And I know this is wrong.

The point I"m trying to make is that I could reword your initial complaint from the male perspective:

"Women can you answer this. Why do you flirt with a guy, chat to him and let him buy you drinks, when you're only trying to prove a point to your female friends that you can get any guy that you want in the bar??"

Worry less about proving a point to anybody else, and focus more on talking to a guy that you genuinely like, and want to meet again somewhere else, and I'm reasonably sure that it won't be as big a problem as your initial post seems to make out...

lajoie

I agree with what several of the guys have said here (and I'm a woman)... A LOT of women do the exact same as men. I'd actually guess it's more frequent for a women to get a few drinks out of a guy, than for a guy to buy drinks just for the potential confidence booster. Personally, I have never done it, but I definitely think it's a game played by both sides.

On a side note - the second you mention potential relations with someone you work with, I feel the urge to scream NOOOOO! Work place relationships are extremely risky and unless you are 100% certain that you are interested - while also being comfortable enough if he doesn't reciprocate that you can look him in the face daily and not feel bothered - I would avoid totally.

Meauldsegosha

Didn't you post a couple ago that your friend that your friend warned you about this guy?

scarymoon1

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Didn't you post a couple ago that your friend that your friend warned you about this guy?

That was a different guy. The guy she warned me about - I stayed away from him! Alas this is (was) a new guy

dellas1979

scarymoon1 wrote: »

I feel under a lot of pressure when I meet guys to make it work to please my parents, friends etc. I'm 30 and single and everyone I know is attached so I feel like I'm suffocating to make it work!!! And I know this is wrong.

Errrr ummm

Im a bit confused too. So, you want to be in a relationship to please your parents/friends?

I think if you sort this part out, in your head/feelings, you'll have a part-answer to your question. And you wont be so sensitive to guys who werent much more than a text in the first place.

scarymoon1

dellas1979 wrote: »

Errrr ummm

Im a bit confused too. So, you want to be in a relationship to please your parents/friends?

I think if you sort this part out, in your head/feelings, you'll have a part-answer to your question. And you wont be so sensitive to guys who werent much more than a text in the first place.

I wish I could just turn off the pressure I feel, but it's every aspect in my life. I need the great job, house, looks, boyfriend... God I'm so insecure

Wibbs

And what do you think a decent guy would think if he realised this? That he was somehow a box to be ticked in your list of life requirements to make you feel secure? It would be all or mostly about you. He'd be a cardboard cutout slotted into your life. I'd run a mile and advise any other man to do the same, because man that would most likely be a recipe for disaster long term.

So, first start to self examine this pressure you feel. Look to the sources of these pressures, external and internal. See if you can reduce such pressures, avoid them, seek a bit of counseling for the internal stuff etc. When you make a good partner, it generally follows that you'll attract good partners and more of them. As it is I suspect the flirty men unconsciously spot this underlying stuff and react accordingly. Don't see you as a serious option to be getting too deep with. The devious ones will see this consciously and use it for their own ends.

dellas1979

scarymoon1 wrote: »

I wish I could just turn off the pressure I feel, but it's every aspect in my life. I need the great job, house, looks, boyfriend... God I'm so insecure

Well, you can (turn it off).

The good news is its your brain/train of thought, so you can do with it whatya like.

If I remember correctly, did you have a thread on how you felt you were bad with money also?

The common theme (if I may say so), is that you are placing the responsibility of happiness on things (youd spend e100s on things) and people (why do they do this to ME/I feel pressure from other people).

You dont actually need 1 thing or 1 person to make you happy. That should come from yourself. From within. Does that make sense to you?

scarymoon1

Wibbs wrote: »

And what do you think a decent guy would think if he realised this? That he was somehow a box to be ticked in your list of life requirements to make you feel secure? It would be all or mostly about you. He'd be a cardboard cutout slotted into your life. I'd run a mile and advise any other man to do the same, because man that would most likely be a recipe for disaster long term.

So, first start to self examine this pressure you feel. Look to the sources of these pressures, external and internal. See if you can reduce such pressures, avoid them, seek a bit of counseling for the internal stuff etc. When you make a good partner, it generally follows that you'll attract good partners and more of them. As it is I suspect the flirty men unconsciously spot this underlying stuff and react accordingly. Don't see you as a serious option to be getting too deep with. The devious ones will see this consciously and use it for their own ends.

Ok fair enough. But how do they spot this unconsciously from talking to them? I'm not being smart or anything, I'm just wondering how they would know ?

Tokyo

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Ok fair enough. But how do they spot this unconsciously from talking to them? I'm not being smart or anything, I'm just wondering how they would know ?

Ever have a guy come up to you in a bar or wherever, and you can tell straight away that he's a bit needy and clingy???


That's how...

scarymoon1

dellas1979 wrote: »

Well, you can (turn it off).

The good news is its your brain/train of thought, so you can do with it whatya like.

If I remember correctly, did you have a thread on how you felt you were bad with money also?

The common theme (if I may say so), is that you are placing the responsibility of happiness on things (youd spend e100s on things) and people (why do they do this to ME/I feel pressure from other people).

You dont actually need 1 thing or 1 person to make you happy. That should come from yourself. From within. Does that make sense to you?

Yes I've heard all this before that no one can make me happy. I think what's annoyed me this time is that I "thought" this guy genuinely liked me and then the fact he was seeing someone else kinda knocked me. I feel like all my friends are happy except me! My friend told me she enjoys the chase and I honostly said I've never had a guy chase me. It's always the other way around. I'm not ugly even

scarymoon1

mike_ie wrote: »

Ever have a guy come up to you in a bar or wherever, and you can tell straight away that he's a bit needy and clingy???


That's how...

Fair enough!

Tokyo

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Fair enough!

I wasn't trying to be trite - but assertiveness and self confidence shines through, whether you want it to or not. As does the lack thereof. I'm sure that you have seen it yourself when you've been chatting to guys in the past.

dellas1979

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Yes I've heard all this before that no one can make me happy. I think what's annoyed me this time is that I "thought" this guy genuinely liked me and then the fact he was seeing someone else kinda knocked me. I feel like all my friends are happy except me! My friend told me she enjoys the chase and I honostly said I've never had a guy chase me. It's always the other way around. I'm not ugly even

Lookit, you are 30 years old. Its time to cut the mustard. You are 30 so Ill talk to you like a 30 year old.

I would advise you to look at yourself and stop talking about this guy and that guy, and your friend, and your friend's lives.

Someone made a valid point in your money thread, that you divert all the responsibility of what you were spending. And you are doing the same here.

You are incorrect also to say that noone can make you happy.

There is 1 person...

scarymoon1

mike_ie wrote: »

I wasn't trying to be trite - but assertiveness and self confidence shines through, whether you want it to or not. As does the lack thereof. I'm sure that you have seen it yourself when you've been chatting to guys in the past.

But that's the thing I'm confident on the outside ( kinda ) but inside I'm not!

Tokyo

scarymoon1 wrote: »

But that's the thing I'm confident on the outside ( kinda ) but inside I'm not!

I guess that's kind of irrelevant for now. The thread kinda got sidetracked from your original issue, but raised some interesting ones.

AS Wibbs pointed out in his post, it's not about "the guy" or "the job" or "the parents", it's about you and how you feel about yourself. It sounds like in a lot of ways that you are trying to please everyone else and their expectations of you, rather than sitting down and figuring out what it is that you want.

In the end, the guy that you want to be with is the guy that is interested in you for who you are, not what your friends or family think you should be. Figure out who you are first, then finding the guy that likes who you are becomes that much easier.

Liger vs Tigon

scarymoon1 wrote: »

But that's the thing I'm confident on the outside ( kinda ) but inside I'm not!

So you're not confident, you need to learn how to accept yourself. Look into mindfulness, that can help you improve your confidence.

scarymoon1

Liger vs Tigon wrote: »

So you're not confident, you need to learn how to accept yourself. Look into mindfulness, that can help you improve your confidence.

I might look into that as I just want to be at peace and not worrying about how to please my mother, I can't do that. Like this evening I was watching tv with my housemates and I just couldn't relax, I kept thinking stuff over and over!!! I hate it

whats_my_name

strobe wrote: »

Some guys (or girls) just enjoy flirting or being flirted with. See it as just a bit of fun. Some wouldn't even consider or realise that it was flirting and just consider themselves to be having a bit of a laugh with someone.

Also some girls (and guys) have a tendency to take up any polite or friendly communication as flirting when it might be nothing of the sort, so tend to end up getting the wrong side of the stick and are left a bit confused when nothing comes of it.

Some guys (or girls) may start off flirting with someone to see if they click with them, realise they dont, and so try to let that person down gently in some way.

My advice would be to take flirting for what it is, nothing but flirting, just a little bit of fun and maybe sometimes a way to find out if there's chemistry with someone. If it goes somewhere go with it. If it doesn't, no harm done, its not a big deal.

No one owes you anything, and you owe no one anything, just because you've exchanged a few flirty remarks or texts.

Completely agree with all the above. I think most people see friendly conversation as flirting. When someone strikes up conversation with me I politely chat back but the majority of fellas see this as a green light when it's not & it's so embarrassing to either have to bring up my boyfriend in conversation or say I don't want to waste anymore of your night but I'm not available!

beks101

Tbh the most shocking thing about this thread for me is the fact that you're 30 years old. You sound about as emotionally mature and copped on as someone half your age.

It's clear as mud from an outsider's stand-point where you're going wrong. As it is, you're a walking target for players, messers, time-wasters, aRseholes, any kind of guy that has less than worthy intentions. Because no self-respecting man would with a decent head on his shoulders would be attracted to this "like me like me like meeeeeeeeeeeeeee" thing that you've got going on the second you bump into anyone half interesting.

These guys are probably meeting you and thinking, "jeez yer one's a bit of a headcase, far too intense, not one to be taken seriously but sure have a bit of fun anyway, she's obviously up for anything she can get."

You say these guys are using you - you in turn are using the attention to validate yourself, to the point where you don't particularly care about THEIR feelings either (going back to the work fella for "compliments" despite not having any feelings for him)

When you walk around blaming the world for your problems and expecting other people to make you feel good about yourself, all the while playing these petty little pissing competitions and using others' reactions to you to prove a point to yourself - it doesn't tend to attract confident, well-adjusted, mature and decent people into your life. Because it's not confident, well-adjusted, mature and decent behaviour. It's childish and self-serving, and it's exactly what you will get back.

sligoface

Think beks hit the nail on the head there, as did mike and a few other posters, so I don't have much to add about the whole 'why do guys always do this' bit but just in terms of the bigger picture, as someone near your age, please realize that many of us DON'T have it all, or have it all figured out, at this point in life, and maybe we will in 10 years, or maybe we won't. I know plenty of people in their 40s and 50s who have very imperfect situations in their personal life but that doesn't mean they aren't interesting, likeable, valuable people or that I look down on them. In fact just the opposite usually. So don't put so much pressure on yourself to acquire a thing that you think will make you happy, because when it doesn't, you will be really let down.

In my experience, happiness does not come from having things just for the sake of showing them off or to prove a point. You are more likely to become successful if you are happy in yourself than you are to suddenly become happy because you successfully acquired the great car, job etc. Because once you fill that desire you'll just want something else anyway. You have to fill that void constantly until eventually one day you realize that it can never be filled from outside and that constantly chasing something that doesn't exist is not how you want to live the rest of your life.

And in my experience, the more desperate you are for something, the more you push it away from you. When you let go of that desperation, voila, the thing you wanted will show up.

You'll be fine just don't get so caught up in every guy who flirts or texts. They're not conspiring to make you feel bad, they're just navigating the troubled waters of dating and singledom same as you. We all want to be loved and to love someone, but you just can't allow your feelings to get strong in the early stages, or you will be setting yourself up for disappointment. Most people have this sussed by 30 but you're just figuring it out now, which is fine. Better late than never, and once you've learned this I'd say you will have better luck meeting someone who is serious and not just wasting your time.