Lying boyfriend or a considerate bf?

LegacyUser

Hi, I have something in my mind which is a bit stupid but really needed to get it off my chest.

When we first met, I had come out of a long term relationship as my ex partner was cheating on me and was abusing alcohol and drugs.

We are together for about a year - met through a online dating site last year and took it slow initially but things got quite serious around autumn last year. Things are pretty good except for a couple small issues that we had as all couples do.

We are honest with each other (or so I thought!) but I have this niggling feeling that he has lied to me about small things.

I put some of my stuff in his drawer where I found some sex toy cleanser (not toys) and female genital wart medication prescribed a couple years ago - most likely used on his ex gf. I didn't take it seriously (even though very eeky!!) and never mentioned it to him. (They are still in the drawer and he doesn't even know they are there!)

Fast forward, few months later, we were joking about sex toys and I asked him which ones he has used. He said he hasn't tried any. I found this weird so I said, really? and he said, yeah, never tried toys. Now, we are both in our late 20's and we already talked about everything sex related so I don't know why he would hide the fact that he has tried toys, especially if he had specifically bought sex toy cleanser!!!

I found it a bit weird but didn't say anything. But now it has kinda hit me that he has lied about couple other things - like when he broke up with his ex gf (he said a year ago when we first met and then after 4 months, he says over 2 years - while his ex gf still had a picture of them on her facebook up until 5 months before we met - which he showed to me by the way!!)

Also, when asked about what he did last new year's eve, he said he can't remember what he did. When in fact he went to Paris with his ex (I saw the tickets on top of his drawer which are still there!!).

Obviously these are not huge issues but I just don't understand why he would lie about these things. Even if he told me the truth it wouldn't make any difference to me - we are just talking anyways. It just makes me wonder what else he is lying about and why he would lie about any of the stuff in the first place.

I appreciate your input!

Grayfoxy

Hi Banabanaham,

Two things in relation to the toys, maybe only his ex used them or maybe he mis understood you for using male toys (on him I mean) instead of using toys on his ex.

Maybe he did genuinely forget he went to Paris, (unlikely, but possible, I have a terrible memory myself, and probably would have actually had to think about new years) however, I can understand why he wouldn't want you to know he went with her, I don't think he should lie about it, at the end of the day, (correct me if I am wrong) I don't think it would bother you anyway.

However, the main thing here in my opinion is the GW cream, he should definitely have told you about that before you got intimate, cause the chances are it was either for him, or if it was for his ex, he might have them. This is the biggest thing by far, and personally, I would bring up the topic of STI's to talk about.... awkward yes, but to be honest, needs to be done (with every sexual partner)

I will be honest, over all, I would not be happy at all, I do not know him, but from what you said, I don't trust him.

maria34

I think he doesnt want to tell you about Paris because he thinks it hurts you.

Sex cleanser might be his exes and has nothing to do with him (maybe he doesnt even know it exist)

Facebook picture is very eem ... Its not his fault that his ex kept it up for ages after they split up. Some people keep pictures if their exes in facebook for ages, nithing you can do about.

Medication ... These warts are transmitable? I would be cautios about that tho yes.

Penny Tration

Medication - if he's on it, I'd expect him to tell you. But it may be his ex's.

Sex toy cleanser - maybe he doesn't want to talk about his sex life prior to meeting you? I know i wouldn't!

Holiday - maybe he doesn't want to talk about his past relationship.

Date of break up - maybe he doesn't want to talk about past relationships.

Tbh, bar the medication issue, I don't see why you would ask him so many things about his relationship with his ex. If my bf asked me those sort of things, I'd probably refuse to answer.

I think he's either uncomfortable talking about past relationships, or is wary in case it upsets you.

Either way, I don't think they're things that uyou should be asking about really.

Faith

It's hard to say. My OH is a demon for not telling me things he thinks will hurt me. He maintained for ages that he went on holidays alone once, when he actually went with a girlfriend, for instance. I've killed him over it in the past.

From your examples, it's impossible to say if there's something iffy going on or if he's just trying to protect your feelings. Either way, and I'm not judging at all because I'd do the same thing, you are game playing by asking him questions you know the answer to already as a test.

I'd have an honest conversation with him. Say something like "I've noticed that sometimes you tell me things that are different to what you've previously said (perhaps use Paris as an example). I know you probably don't want to hurt me by telling me about things that happened in past relationships but I'd much rather you gave me the real answer than a vague or untrue one!". If he's anything like my OH, it'll take him a while to break the habit, but you will need to start pointing out when he does it too.

If everything you're picking up on is in a specific area (things that happened with exes), I wouldn't worry overly. If you start to notice him lying in other ares, then that's a red flag.

Grayfoxy

green_screen wrote: »

Medication - if he's on it, I'd expect him to tell you. But it may be his ex's.

Sex toy cleanser - maybe he doesn't want to talk about his sex life prior to meeting you? I know i wouldn't!

Holiday - maybe he doesn't want to talk about his past relationship.

Date of break up - maybe he doesn't want to talk about past relationships.

Tbh, bar the medication issue, I don't see why you would ask him so many things about his relationship with his ex. If my bf asked me those sort of things, I'd probably refuse to answer.

I think he's either uncomfortable talking about past relationships, or is wary in case it upsets you.

Either way, I don't think they're things that uyou should be asking about really.

All valid points,

However, if he doesn't want to talk about it, then he should say this, not lie about it.

LegacyUser

Grayfoxy wrote: »

All valid points,

However, if he doesn't want to talk about it, then he should say this, not lie about it.

That's exactly I'm worried about. It is totally fine that he doesn't want to talk about his past relationship (I don't want to know anyway) but why make up a lie? That's what I'm most worried about.

If he just said, Oh yeah, I went to Paris with my ex for new year's - that would be fine with me. I travelled a lot with my ex partner too and he knows that.

The GW medication was specifically prescribed for female patients so I'm pretty sure that it was his ex's. The toy use wouldn't bother me at all either - just the fact that he says he hasn't used one (when I asked, it was between himself and his past partner) - that's what bothers me. If he just said he has, we will just have a laugh and that will be it.

Merkin

banabanaham wrote: »

I put some of my stuff in his drawer where I found some sex toy cleanser (not toys) and female genital wart medication prescribed a couple years ago - most likely used on his ex gf.

:eek: Eh, I'd be bringing this up with him as a matter of urgency tbh! Genital warts are highly contagious and you don't have to have a flare up for them to be transmitted. Even if they were practicing safe sex and using condoms, sharing sex toys with someone with herpes would not be a good idea. You need to say this to him immediately and ask him to be honest with you as you may need to get yourself tested.

Neyite

Merkin wrote: »

:eek: Eh, I'd be bringing this up with him as a matter of urgency tbh! Genital warts are highly contagious and you don't have to have a flare up for them to be transmitted. Even if they were practicing safe sex and using condoms, sharing sex toys with someone with herpes would not be a good idea. You need to say this to him immediately and ask him to be honest with you as you may need to get yourself tested.

Very good point about sharing toys.

The op has had a previous thread on the GW issue and received excellent advice there.

As this thread is mainly about lying about other things, I'll leave it open. But, OP, bear in mind that repeated threads about the same issue is frowned upon here in PI.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, no offense meant but I think you are the one being a little bit sneaky here.. It's like you are trying to catch him out on things. You saw the tickets, knew what he did last year for New Years Eve, yet asked him what he did?

Maybe he's not comfortable talking about his ex with his current gf. Maybe he is sparing you the details thinking that you don't want to hear about what him and his ex got up to. There was a thread here last week where a girl was devastated that she shared too much with her bf about a fella she was with previously, and her bf just couldn't get over it.

While you think he should just tell you he used toys with her, and you could have a laugh about it and move on, he might not feel the same. He might not be lying to you with the sole intention of deceiving you, but maybe it's more so out of embarrassment (either for you or him) or because he's not as comfortable to laugh about his past sex life, as you are... Maybe he respects his ex gfs too much to be telling his current gf what they did (and laughing about it). I wouldn't like to think my exes were telling any gfs they had after me, what I did (or didn't do) for them!

If you are not happy in the relationship, (and this is your 2nd thread about your relationship in a short time) or if you are not happy with how much he tells you, or not as the case may be, then maybe you are not compatible. It seems to me like you're looking for problems? But I may be way off there... I just wouldn't be jumping to the conclusion that he is lying to deceive you.

Why not talk to him? Why not admit you've seen these things, and that's why you're asking. By keeping this from him are you a lying gf, or a considerate gf? (for not wanting to embarrass him?)

Emme

His past is his past but if his medical history could affect you he should tell you.

Perhaps you should get checked out now for GW just in case and get a smear while you're at it.