Do you regret having kids?

Paddy Cow

I was reading a thread about whether or not you want kids. Despite living in a society where we have choices, a lot of people still feel pressure to get married, have kids etc. The ones who say they don't want kids don't always have their decision respected. People still assume that once they get married they will need a bigger house etc to cater for the little ones running around.

The question also came up of people who have kids but regret it. Whatever about not wanting kids, having them and regretting it is something that is not spoken about. How do people cope if they feel trapped like that? Sorry to sound blaze but it's not like adopting a puppy. If you decide it's not for you, you can't just leave them at the local pound.

How common is it that people have kids and regret their decision?

TouchingVirus

You'd want to be fairly cold to have kids and regret the decision IMO. All it would have taken to not have one was to grow a spine and stick to your guns. Many a marriage or relationship has broken down for the same reason. There's no excuse to go through with it if you don't want to and then there's nothing to regret. It's blasé btw not blaze, I was thoroughly confused

tfitzgerald

I am a married male with four children and I have to say they are my reason for living. We have our problems like everyone but the joy they bring into my wife and our life is immeasurable

Radiosonde

Paddy Cow wrote: »

If you decide it's not for you, you can't just leave them at the local pound.

Can you just give them up for adoption still? Like just waive all rights and responsibilities you have as a parent?

Btw, I ask this just out of idle curiosity, I'm not planning on giving away any kids!

Khannie

Number 4 will be here very soon. Love spending time with my kids. The joy and comfort they bring to me is absolutely immense. Best hugs ever, tbh.

edit: Just for clarity - they are a shocking pain in the hole sometimes, but the good heavily outweighs the bad.

the_monkey

tfitzgerald wrote: »

I am a married male with four children and I have to say they are my reason for living. We have our problems like everyone but the joy they bring into my wife and our life is immeasurable

This.

Sometimes it's tough but the positives far far outweigh the negatives.

I know this sounds cliche but it's such a strong love, I can't imagine
anyone actually regretting it ..

vicwatson

Kids rock, Adults drool

Mr.McLovin

Yes I do and I tell the little bastards everyday

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

Kids are great and not nearly as hard to look after as people like to say. Once you're willing to give up on a fair chunk of social time I just don't see how someone could regret it.

Having 3+ kids and not having enough money to cover them is maybe when regret can kick in. I don't know really though.

Shenshen

I can't speak for myself, as I don't have kids and am not sure if I ever will.

My mother, however, had 3 kids and does regret it. She had us because it was "what you do" when she got married in the 70s. You marry, you quit university, you have kids and look after the home. She says it was the biggest mistake of her life.

She never finished university, she never went and had a career, instead she spent years in depression, finally found honesty and split up with my father (one of the best days of my life), and found herself in an underpaid dead-end job for which she was in reality massively overqualified. It took her well over a decade to get her life back on track, and having us around probably never made it any easier either.

She says if she had had a little more cop-on back then, she wouldn't have had children.

hallo dare

Shenshen wrote: »

I can't speak for myself, as I don't have kids and am not sure if I ever will.

My mother, however, had 3 kids and does regret it. She had us because it was "what you do" when she got married in the 70s. You marry, you quit university, you have kids and look after the home. She says it was the biggest mistake of her life.

She never finished university, she never went and had a career, instead she spent years in depression, finally found honesty and split up with my father (one of the best days of my life), and found herself in an underpaid dead-end job for which she was in reality massively overqualified. It took her well over a decade to get her life back on track, and having us around probably never made it any easier either.

She says if she had had a little more cop-on back then, she wouldn't have had children.

Wow, that's strong stuff.:(. How does that make you feel Shenshen, that your Mother regrets having you?

I'd be very confused if my Mam turned round and told me that.

Shenshen

hallo dare wrote: »

Wow, that's strong stuff.:(. How does that make you feel Shenshen, that your Mother regrets having you?

I'd be very confused if my Mam turned round and told me that.

I'd agree with her. It did wreck here life quite considerably, and it wasn't an informed decision. She just did what was expected.

I don't take is personally, mind you. She always tried her best to be what she thought a good mother should be. She just had massive problems with it, it didn't come natural to her at all. To this day, it feels awkward when she's trying to hug me or one of my brothers.

The lesson I draw from it is that the worst thing you can do in life is do something simply because it's "what you do". Be conscious, inform yourself, be sure about what it is YOU want.

the_monkey

I think she should keep that to herself, it's never the kids fault, there are other ways of putting it ...

Like it was a mistake to stay with her husband - but the kids are always #1 ..

My parents split up too, never did I hear myself and my brother being described as regrets tho, times were hard but my Mam did her best for us ..

candy-gal1

I can see from this thread so far that it isnt just going one way so Im just going to say of course some people (not many i hope) but some people will regret having children at some stage or another.
Imho it comes down to, as Shenshen has said, people doing so because its the done thing,what everyone else is doing or they feel theyre getting old etc which is usually said by someone in their mid/late 20s :rolleyes:

A person is rarely going to say they regret having their kids, even if they feel it, as its not "right to say" , or theyll be looked on with disdain by others, or just because whats done is done and they cant do anything about it now.

Imho its one of, if not the most, important thing you can do in life so it really shouldnt be looked on as "ah sure why not" etc etc

Shenshen

the_monkey wrote: »

I think she should keep that to herself, it's never the kids fault, there are other ways of putting it ...

Like it was a mistake to stay with her husband - but the kids are always #1 ..

My parents split up too, never did I hear myself and my brother being described as regrets tho, times were hard but my Mam did her best for us ..

Fault? Who's talking about fault?

I don't know about you, but one thing I always valued about my mother is that she was always trying to at least be honest. If she had seriously tried to pretend she never regretted having children with all we went through as a family, I'd probably have thought of her as a completely brain-amputated airhead.

travis1976

I can't even spend a day away from them (except if I was invited to a wedding). Even though we have our fallings out, I still love them more than myself. So, no I don't regret having them.

Ray Palmer

If anybody with kids tells you because they find it their reason to live they don't believe it is possible probably miss the fact that is them and not everybody else. I also don't quite believe them as everybody and some point regrets decisions.
Do I regret getting married? No. Have I ever thought "I regretted this marriage"? Yes

The same realistically has to cross the mind of any parent. It's just human.

Gannicus

TouchingVirus wrote: »

You'd want to be fairly cold to have kids and regret the decision IMO. All it would have taken to not have one was to grow a spine and stick to your guns.

Not true. A friend of mine was with a guy for about 5 years and he categorically did not want kids but his GP wouldn't organise a vasectomy until he was at least 30. She knew from day one that he didn't want kids and that he had tried to get the snip but she stuck with him (not sure what her family plans during all of this were)

Unfortunately for him contraception isn't always 100% and she ended up pregnant. He pleaded with to her to give the baby up for adoption or get the boat across the water. She (fair play to her) never gave in to him even after she was offered money and/or a car and had the baby. He broke up with her and said he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

She put him on the birth cert and forced him to be a part of that childs life (child is now two) and she has had such a hard time with the father of that child she admitted one night, as much as she loves the little lad she regretted having the kid. It's been too hard on her (doesn't have a great support structure bar a few friends). When asked if she regretted having the kid with the ex-bf specifically, she said she wasn't sure.

Muise...

Big Steve wrote: »

Not true. A friend of mine was with a guy for about 5 years and he categorically did not want kids but his GP wouldn't organise a vasectomy until he was at least 30. She knew from day one that he didn't want kids and that he had tried to get the snip but she stuck with him (not sure what her family plans during all of this were)

Unfortunately for him contraception isn't always 100% and she ended up pregnant. He pleaded with to her to give the baby up for adoption or get the boat across the water. She (fair play to her) never gave in to him even after she was offered money and/or a car and had the baby. He broke up with her and said he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

She put him on the birth cert and forced him to be a part of that childs life (child is now two) and she has had such a hard time with the father of that child she admitted one night, as much as she loves the little lad she regretted having the kid. It's been too hard on her (doesn't have a great support structure bar a few friends). When asked if she regretted having the kid with the ex-bf specifically, she said she wasn't sure.

:eek:

I'd regret befriending someone like your friend.

Tombo2001

Shenshen wrote: »

I can't speak for myself, as I don't have kids and am not sure if I ever will.

My mother, however, had 3 kids and does regret it. She had us because it was "what you do" when she got married in the 70s. You marry, you quit university, you have kids and look after the home. She says it was the biggest mistake of her life.

She never finished university, she never went and had a career, instead she spent years in depression, finally found honesty and split up with my father (one of the best days of my life), and found herself in an underpaid dead-end job for which she was in reality massively overqualified. It took her well over a decade to get her life back on track, and having us around probably never made it any easier either.

She says if she had had a little more cop-on back then, she wouldn't have had children.

Or maybe she would have had children with someone she wanted to have children with....

Shenshen

Big Steve wrote: »

Not true. A friend of mine was with a guy for about 5 years and he categorically did not want kids but his GP wouldn't organise a vasectomy until he was at least 30. She knew from day one that he didn't want kids and that he had tried to get the snip but she stuck with him (not sure what her family plans during all of this were)

Unfortunately for him contraception isn't always 100% and she ended up pregnant. He pleaded with to her to give the baby up for adoption or get the boat across the water. She (fair play to her) never gave in to him even after she was offered money and/or a car and had the baby. He broke up with her and said he wanted nothing to do with the kid.

She put him on the birth cert and forced him to be a part of that childs life (child is now two) and she has had such a hard time with the father of that child she admitted one night, as much as she loves the little lad she regretted having the kid. It's been too hard on her (doesn't have a great support structure bar a few friends). When asked if she regretted having the kid with the ex-bf specifically, she said she wasn't sure.

Accidents happen, and I can understand her wanting to keep the baby.
But why would she try and force someone who's made it clear he doesn't want any involvement to be part of it?

Tombo2001

I think we'll find very few people who will say they regretted having kids.

I dont think we need a boards thread to tell us that.

Shenshen

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Or maybe she would have had children with someone she wanted to have children with....

Or maybe she wouldn't.
She says if she had known what it would be like to have children before she had them, she would not have had them.

Paddy Cow

TouchingVirus wrote: »

You'd want to be fairly cold to have kids and regret the decision IMO. All it would have taken to not have one was to grow a spine and stick to your guns. Many a marriage or relationship has broken down for the same reason. There's no excuse to go through with it if you don't want to and then there's nothing to regret. It's blasé btw not blaze, I was thoroughly confused

Thanks for that. It's obvious that you knew what I meant and weren't confused in the slightest. No need to get passive aggressive with me. I was following on from another discussion were people feel pressured into having a child. In a perfect world all children are loved but it would be naive to think that there aren't "band-aid" babies out there. How many times have we heard about a marriage being "on the rocks" and the parties involved have a child thinking that will bring them closer together, only for it to have them push them further apart?

People are not robots who see things in black and white. It happens that there are people who are parents and love their children, but given the opportunity to do it all over again, they wouldn't have kids. It doesn't make them bad people or bad parents.

Shenshen

Paddy Cow wrote: »

People are not robots who see things in black and white. It happens that there are people who are parents and love their children, but given the opportunity to do it all over again, they wouldn't have kids. It doesn't make them bad people or bad parents.

Good point, actaully, and worth repeating.

Just because you might look back and regret your decision to have children does not necessarily mean you don't love them or are not a good parent to them.

Gannicus

Muise... wrote: »

:eek:

I'd regret befriending someone like your friend.

We were friends before she got pregnant and will be friends for a long time after.

Shenshen wrote: »

Accidents happen, and I can understand her wanting to keep the baby.
But why would she try and force someone who's made it clear he doesn't want any involvement to be part of it?

She she wants him to be part of the little fellas life for the sake of the kid. She also feels that it took the two of them to have sex to get her pregnant and that the contraception failed so he should pay his fair share for his son.

She works full time and pays for a creche and a mortgage and just wants him to help out make sure the child gets a fair shot at life (which I agree with as a fair reason to want the ex around)

TwoShedsJackson

TouchingVirus wrote: »

You'd want to be fairly cold to have kids and regret the decision IMO. All it would have taken to not have one was to grow a spine and stick to your guns. Many a marriage or relationship has broken down for the same reason. There's no excuse to go through with it if you don't want to and then there's nothing to regret. It's blasé btw not blaze, I was thoroughly confused

What if you did want to have them, had them, and then regretted having the ungrateful wretches?

eireannBEAR

Paddy Cow wrote: »

I was reading a thread about whether or not you want kids. Despite living in a society where we have choices, a lot of people still feel pressure to get married, have kids etc. The ones who say they don't want kids don't always have their decision respected. People still assume that once they get married they will need a bigger house etc to cater for the little ones running around.

The question also came up of people who have kids but regret it. Whatever about not wanting kids, having them and regretting it is something that is not spoken about. How do people cope if they feel trapped like that? Sorry to sound blaze but it's not like adopting a puppy. If you decide it's not for you, you can't just leave them at the local pound.

How common is it that people have kids and regret their decision?

I dont regret having kids,But its funny this morning i was thinking about when i was 20 and i used to come home from work to an empty house with 6 beers and two T-bone steak's (One was for my dog) I used to stay up all night listening to music and playing my ''cutting edge'' playstation2,Then after a few hours sleep i would hit the night club with my mates looking for women.

It really was a brilliant time when i think about it,but all the women,beer,steaks and money could never bring me as much joy as seeing my son happy.

As for marriage...No thanks.

I think the biggest regret i could of had in my life would be if i was an old man and didnt have children.

drumswan

Nobody is going to say they regret having kids. Imagine having to dedicate most of your life to something you werent into, youd spend a lot of time convincing yourself you were happy or go mad

candy-gal1

Big Steve wrote: »

We were friends before she got pregnant and will be friends for a long time after.



She she wants him to be part of the little fellas life for the sake of the kid. She also feels that it took the two of them to have sex to get her pregnant and that the contraception failed so he should pay his fair share for his son.

She works full time and pays for a creche and a mortgage and just wants him to help out make sure the child gets a fair shot at life (which I agree with as a fair reason to want the ex around)

Okay, but thats what she wants for the child, its entirely upto the father of the child whether he wants anything to do with it and after he had already said he wants nothing to do with, had told her he never wanted kids and made his own offerings to helping her give it up or get rid of it then imho I couldnt have any bad feelings against the father in this circumstance.

She was well aware of his feelings, she went ahead anyway and kept it, now its just whats done is done, she has to deal with that!

Ray Palmer

Muise... wrote: »

:eek:

I'd regret befriending someone like your friend.

Some people don't want kids and have it forced on them. Them being honest about it and not handling it well is to be expected.

Two separate male friends of mine were both in relationships and always said they didn't want kids.

The woman knew this. At similar times both woman came off the pill and didn't tell their partners.

They both got pregnant. One relationship got over this trickery the other has turned into complete hatred on both side with a child in the middle.

Not everybody wants kids and others have kids for their own wants and desires

eireannBEAR

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Okay, but thats what she wants for the child, its entirely upto the father of the child whether he wants anything to do with it and after he had already said he wants nothing to do with, had told her he never wanted kids and made his own offerings to helping her give it up or get rid of it then imho I couldnt have any bad feelings against the father in this circumstance.

She was well aware of his feelings, she went ahead anyway and kept it, now its just whats done is done, she has to deal with that!

WOW!!!! Incredible,Do you really believe this?

Muise...

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Okay, but thats what she wants for the child, its entirely upto the father of the child whether he wants anything to do with it and after he had already said he wants nothing to do with, had told her he never wanted kids and made his own offerings to helping her give it up or get rid of it then imho I couldnt have any bad feelings against the father in this circumstance.

She was well aware of his feelings, she went ahead anyway and kept it, now its just whats done is done, she has to deal with that!

agreed, because I'm pro-choice, and because they had had the discussion.

eireannBEAR

Muise... wrote: »

agreed, because I'm pro-choice, and because they had had the discussion.

So you believe once she chose not to destroy her baby,she and that child doesnt deserve support from the father?

candy-gal1

eireannBEAR wrote: »

WOW!!!! Incredible,Do you really believe this?

Well yeah, I dont know everyone so I cant speak for everyone and each to their own and all that, but If your in a relationship with someone and youve discussed all the major possabilities in life like this and you know that your partner does not want and will never want kids then if accidents happen (as they can do) no-one has any right to force a baby or rights of a father etc etc onto someone especially when they know already and were told that it was not going to happen on their side.

Twas their choice, and saying that "they made the baby with them" "take responability" etc etc doesnt mean anything as it was all her decision it seems.

candy-gal1

eireannBEAR wrote: »

So you believe once she chose not to destroy her baby,she and that child doesnt deserve support from the father?

Well no, as he had already made his decision perfectly clear before she even got pregnant, If she really wanted children then she shouldnt have been with him/taken better precautions/known that kids werent going to happen with him if she continued to be with him.

eireannBEAR

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Well no, as he had already made his decision perfectly clear before she even got pregnant, If she really wanted children then she shouldnt have been with him/taken better precautions/known that kids werent going to happen with him if she continued to be with him.

Thats a strange view,you seem to be removing the male of any responsibility (which is nice for once but not in this context)

Gannicus

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Okay, but thats what she wants for the child, its entirely upto the father of the child whether he wants anything to do with it and after he had already said he wants nothing to do with, had told her he never wanted kids and made his own offerings to helping her give it up or get rid of it then imho I couldnt have any bad feelings against the father in this circumstance.

She was well aware of his feelings, she went ahead anyway and kept it, now its just whats done is done, she has to deal with that!

I understand that but to be fair a man doesn't want anything to do with the kid she can force it upon him but if she was the opposite way and he wanted him to stay out of the kids life and he wanted in she can stop him from seeing the kid. this is a different topic for a different day so......

Tasden

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Well yeah, I dont know everyone so I cant speak for everyone and each to their own and all that, but If your in a relationship with someone and youve discussed all the major possabilities in life like this and you know that your partner does not want and will never want kids then if accidents happen (as they can do) no-one has any right to force a baby or rights of a father etc etc onto someone especially when they know already and were told that it was not going to happen on their side.

Twas their choice, and saying that "they made the baby with them" "take responability" etc etc doesnt mean anything as it was all her decision it seems.

Have to agree with this. And I'm saying it as a single parent who had a difficult time getting the father to face up to his responsibilities.

If a couple has the discussion and it is explicitly stated that kids aren't an option then its not fair to force a child upon him if he has already asked for it not to be kept when contraception failed. Fine if the mother insists on keeping the child but why should he have to be forced into it. Yes its unfair on the child not to have both parents but he isn't the one who brought the child into that situation.

candy-gal1

eireannBEAR wrote: »

Thats a strange view,you seem to be removing the male of any responsibility (which is nice for once but not in this context)

But tbh he really doesnt have any responsability here unless he chooses to have and if he does choose to see the child, finance it etc etc then for him to take that away after doing so would be wrong imho but him saying he wants nothing to do with it, asking her to get rid of it and saying first and foremost he never wants kids kinda relieviates any responsability for him!

It could be me, but I think its far far worse to say that they want the child,that theyll take care of it etc etc, do it for a while then get sick of it/regret it and just stop.

spank_inferno

How many childless married couples divorce?

The few I know are still together.

All the divorcees I know have kids.

So I doubt people regret the creation of another life.
However they may regret the strain, effort & other consequences of being a parent.

eireannBEAR

spank_inferno wrote: »

How many childless married couples divorce?

The few I know are still together.

All the divorcees I know have kids.

So I doubt people regret the creation of another life.
However they may regret the strain, effort & other consequences of being a parent.

You could regret winning the lotto.

Its human nature to regret,people without kids are less likely to marry so maybe thats why you know more couples that divorced with children.

Ray Palmer

eireannBEAR wrote: »

Thats a strange view,you seem to be removing the male of any responsibility (which is nice for once but not in this context)

In fairness if you have no control over the outcome yet the other person has and makes a choice they are hoisting their actions on you.

Both took part in the action but one made the decision on the joint outcome.

It is just modern legal interference has tried to force men to abide by these decisions. That includes forcing men to pay money for children they did not want. One in UK courts at the moment where a guy donated sperm to a woman so she could have children being sued for child support. The woman who masturbated a man at a party and then impregnated herself and sued for support and got it.

I know of a few woman who decided to get pregnant without telling their partner.

candy-gal1

eireannBEAR wrote: »

You could regret winning the lotto.

Its human nature to regret,people without kids are less likely to marry so maybe thats why you know more couples that divorced with children.

I can see your point here but tbh as much as it is human nature in a way to regret its still not a good thing as its a bad feeling that you can more than likely do nothing about except maybe learn from it.
I would think though that the goal in life is to have as little regrets as possable

Tasden

spank_inferno wrote: »

So I doubt people regret the creation of another life.
However they may regret the strain, effort & other consequences of being a parent.

I think this sums it up best actually. Nobody, I don't think, regrets their child- they may regret what came with making that decision to have a child, because let's face it you really don't know the impact a child can have on your life until they're there. You can love your child as a person and be happy they're here but regret that you had to give up your lifestyle, or how it affected your relationship or whatever may have happened as a result of having them.

eireannBEAR

candy-gal1 wrote: »

I can see your point here but tbh as much as it is human nature in a way to regret its still not a good thing as its a bad feeling that you can more than likely do nothing about except maybe learn from it.
I would think though that the goal in life is to have as little regrets as possable

If you want to see painful regret walk into an irish bar at 3pm in the day and take a look at the childless middle aged men slumped over their pints.

Children are not for everyone but they are for the vast majority and most of you will realize this as you become older.

You looked stressed,Feel stressed and have no money(TBH its seem like hell thinking about it when you dont have a kid) but its not the same as being stressed in any other part of your life,As soon as you relax or take a breather you realize your trapped with them but you love them,So thats it.

Now if you show me a parent who genuinely regrets their kids to the point that they want them gone,then i will show you a mentally unstable person.

Muise...

eireannBEAR wrote: »

So you believe once she chose not to destroy her baby,she and that child doesnt deserve support from the father?

Support should be given, not extorted. No one should be forced into parenthood. And don't say "destroy her baby" for the love of sense, it was only a blob when decisions were made.

Napper Hawkins

eireannBEAR wrote: »

If you want to see painful regret walk into an irish bar at 3pm in the day and take a look at the childless middle aged men slumped over their pints.

Children are not for everyone but they are for the vast majority and most of you will realize this as you become older.

You looked stressed,Feel stressed and have no money(TBH its seem like hell thinking about it when you dont have a kid) but its not the same as being stressed in any other part of your life,As soon as you relax or take a breather you realize your trapped with them but you love them,So thats it.

Now if you show me a parent who genuinely regrets their kids to the point that they want them gone,then i will show you a mentally unstable person.

In fairness, that middle aged man in the pub is far more likely to have kids than not.

eireannBEAR

Napper Hawkins wrote: »

In fairness, that middle aged man in the pub is far more likely to have kids than not.

You've obviously never drank in an irish country bar,Most middle aged men i know are in the pub because they have no family or anywhere else to go.

Tasden

eireannBEAR wrote: »

You've obviously never drank in an irish country bar,Most middle aged men i know are in the pub because they have no family or anywhere else to go.

Most I'd know would have fully grown kids that have left home

eireannBEAR

Muise... wrote: »

Support should be given, not extorted. No one should be forced into parenthood. And don't say "destroy her baby" for the love of sense, it was only a blob when decisions were made.

Hang on a minute,lets make this idea of yours a law,that way all we would have to do is tell the judge ''i didnt want the kid'' and he will reply ''thats ok you run along with your money sir'' we can let the state pay for the children they will have a tremendous quality of life wont they?