Rules when on a break?

Cult of Personality

Long story short, myself and my girlfriend had been going through a rough patch, texts getting less frequent, got to the stage where we stopped contacting each other for a whole month.

She believed it was over, and I probably did too. However, a week or so after we cut contact she started casually seeing a guy, slept with him once, she said it made her realise it wasn't for her and it was me she really wanted. She completely regrets it and is genuinely sorry. We're back together now and everything is going great. Still though, as we never 'discussed' breaking up or going on a break, I'm unsure what to make of it all. Part of me understands why she did it, and the other part see's it as betrayal

Is this fair game or is there the view that she shouldn't have had to hook up with someone else to realise how she felt for me?

All input welcome

Grayfoxy

Cult of Personality wrote: »

Long story short, myself and my girlfriend had been going through a rough patch, texts getting less frequent, got to the stage where we stopped contacting each other for a whole month.

She believed it was over, and I probably did too. However, a week or so after we cut contact she started casually seeing a guy, slept with him once, she said it made her realise it wasn't for her and it was me she really wanted. She completely regrets it and is genuinely sorry. We're back together now and everything is going great. Still though, as we never 'discussed' breaking up or going on a break, I'm unsure what to make of it all. Part of me understands why she did it, and the other part see's it as betrayal

Is this fair game or is there the view that she shouldn't have had to hook up with someone else to realise how she felt for me?

All input welcome

Heya,

I am a bit confused, when you say you weren't in contact for a whole month, was the time she slept with someone one week after the last time you contacted?

Were you her first serious relationship? If so, that could explain the reason she realizes it was a mistake. Been there buddy, worn the t-shirt.

If you didn't discuss splitting up permanently or temporarily then you weren't broken up, plain and simple, however, some advice for the future, if something like that is happening (frequency of contact diminishing), you should just straight up talk to her. Communication is key.

And right now, I believe that you should talk about it and see what the story is, I don't mean poke the sleeping dog, but it is possible this relationship could go somewhere, and this is not something you want to keep on your mind, and definitely not something you want to bring up in a year from now (or longer)

MugMugs

In essence you both felt that you'd split and neither of ye bothered to tell the other.

Gone to Guam so to speak.

Irrespective, in my opinion, if my "partner" cut contact with me, I'd just assume she needs space and give it to her upon making sure she was okay. If she then slept with somebody during that time, I'd drop her quicker than a kettle because frankly, if she's unable to communicate with me to tell me how she feels and feels that it's okay to sleep with somebody else during that time, then she is not the girl for me.

This will always niggle at you.

It's your call ultimately, do you want her? And if you do then you need to thrash this out to try and put it out of your mind.

Matteroffact

I just think that if you were both fed up with one another and someone else came along for her and she slept with him then that's life. Why look for complications now that she realizes that it is you she wants, that is if you want her, or are you just looking for an excuse now to dump her.

Cult of Personality

I do want her, yes, but as you guys say, it has been niggling at me recently.

She was seeing him casually for food/cinema a week to 10 days after our break, and slept with him 3 weeks later (2 days before we got back together).

It is her first serious relationship, she's had a very sheltered up bringing whereas I'm a bit more world wary and street smart.

Something like this is out of character for her and she's not a cruel or hurtful intentionally kind of person.

Ugh, very frustrating.

Grayfoxy

Cult of Personality wrote: »

I do want her, yes, but as you guys say, it has been niggling at me recently.

She was seeing him casually for food/cinema a week to 10 days after our break, and slept with him 3 weeks later (2 days before we got back together).

It is her first serious relationship, she's had a very sheltered up bringing whereas I'm a bit more world wary and street smart.

Something like this is out of character for her and she's not a cruel or hurtful intentionally kind of person.

Ugh, very frustrating.

Yea... see, this is the thing, there is a difference in giving space and being on a break. Space is "oh, look, we had a big fight, and aren't talking for a while" and so on. A break is communicated.

I hear where you are coming from, but at the end of the day, I personally would talk to her about it as it will eat you up, and the longer you leave it, the more it will get under your skin as well as get harder to talk to her about it.

bee06

Regardless of whether you consider it a break, or that you were broken up or whatever I'm not sure it really matters. What happened happened and it's how you deal with it is the important thing now.

Do you still want to be with her given the situation and can you forgive and forget her sleeping with this other guy?

If you can and you do want to stay with her then I'd say you definitely need to sit down and talk about your communication and how to deal with issues in your relationship going forward. Ignoring each other isn't the way to do that.

Cult of Personality

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Yea... see, this is the thing, there is a difference in giving space and being on a break. Space is "oh, look, we had a big fight, and aren't talking for a while" and so on. A break is communicated.

I hear where you are coming from, but at the end of the day, I personally would talk to her about it as it will eat you up, and the longer you leave it, the more it will get under your skin as well as get harder to talk to her about it.

What do you mean when you say talk about it?

We've discussed it in detail, she's given me her reasons, showed her remorse etc.

Should this be enough in your opinion or is there anything in particular that needs discussing?

Cult of Personality

bee06 wrote: »

Regardless of whether you consider it a break, or that you were broken up or whatever I'm not sure it really matters. What happened happened and it's how you deal with it is the important thing now.

Do you still want to be with her given the situation and can you forgive and forget her sleeping with this other guy?

If you can and you do want to stay with her then I'd say you definitely need to sit down and talk about your communication and how to deal with issues in your relationship going forward. Ignoring each other isn't the way to do that.

Do you think there's anything in particular that needs discussing? as I said above, we have already discussed what happened and she's showed how sorry she is

bee06

Cult of Personality wrote: »

Do you think there's anything in particular that needs discussing? as I said above, we have already discussed what happened and she's showed how sorry she is

You've discussed her sleeping with the other man but have you discussed the cause of it i.e. The reasons you stopped contacting each other in the first place? If this is all out in the open and you both want to move on from it then I think you've dealt with it as best as you can given the situation.

Grayfoxy

What I would be talking to her about if it were me (but it is not, and it is your decision), is the fact that you are torn between understanding why she did it and feeling betrayed. That is not healthy in a relationship.

You need to work it out and I get the feeling you haven't forgiven her (at least not fully) which I understand if you don't.

Cult of Personality

Grayfoxy wrote: »

What I would be talking to her about if it were me (but it is not, and it is your decision), is the fact that you are torn between understanding why she did it and feeling betrayed. That is not healthy in a relationship.

You need to work it out and I get the feeling you haven't forgiven her (at least not fully) which I understand if you don't.

I have and I haven't.

It bothers me that she need to sleep with someone else to realise it was me who she wanted.

However, I'm no angel either. By that I don't mean I ever cheated or was in any way promiscuous, but the months leading up to the 'break' I had been a bit of a dick so I'm accepting responsibility for us drifting apart and the ultimate 'break'.

Trust is a big thing for me. I do trust her and am certain she'd never cheat while we are together.

That's what's leading me to give her the benefit of the doubt - I don't think she'd have done what she did if things had been good with us

Grayfoxy

Cult of Personality wrote: »

I have and I haven't.

It bothers me that she need to sleep with someone else to realise it was me who she wanted.

However, I'm no angel either. By that I don't mean I ever cheated or was in any way promiscuous, but the months leading up to the 'break' I had been a bit of a dick so I'm accepting responsibility for us drifting apart and the ultimate 'break'.

Trust is a big thing for me. I do trust her and am certain she'd never cheat while we are together.

That's what's leading me to give her the benefit of the doubt - I don't think she'd have done what she did if things had been good with us

Indeed, well, it is down to you and how you feel, if you consider it a break, then yep, fair game, if not, then not fair game.

I understand what you mean, but what I will say is, this is her first serious relationship, (if you consider it a break) maybe she did want to try be with someone else but realized you were the one she want's that's fine, and to be honest, it is somewhat common (as well in long relationships)

Cult of Personality

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Indeed, well, it is down to you and how you feel, if you consider it a break, then yep, fair game, if not, then not fair game.

I understand what you mean, but what I will say is, this is her first serious relationship, (if you consider it a break) maybe she did want to try be with someone else but realized you were the one she want's that's fine, and to be honest, it is somewhat common (as well in long relationships)[/QUOTE]


I wasn't aware it was common but I will take your word for it.

I think she may have naively bought into her girlfriends advice about moving on quickly and getting with someone else to soften the blow/remove some of the hurt of the break/breakup, which is fair enough.

I'm probably more annoyed because I never considered getting with someone else an option. I just couldn't do it so soon after being with someone for 3 years

Grayfoxy

Cult of Personality wrote: »

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Indeed, well, it is down to you and how you feel, if you consider it a break, then yep, fair game, if not, then not fair game.

I understand what you mean, but what I will say is, this is her first serious relationship, (if you consider it a break) maybe she did want to try be with someone else but realized you were the one she want's that's fine, and to be honest, it is somewhat common (as well in long relationships)[/QUOTE]


I wasn't aware it was common but I will take your word for it.

I think she may have naively bought into her girlfriends advice about moving on quickly and getting with someone else to soften the blow/remove some of the hurt of the break/breakup, which is fair enough.

I'm probably more annoyed because I never considered getting with someone else an option. I just couldn't do it so soon after being with someone for 3 years

When I say common, take it with a pinch of salt, not common, but it does happen.

Think about it, long relationship, being with one person for a long time and that person being your first serious relationship, some people could get itchy feet and want to see whatelse is out there.

Cult of Personality

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Cult of Personality wrote: »

When I say common, take it with a pinch of salt, not common, but it does happen.

Think about it, long relationship, being with one person for a long time and that person being your first serious relationship, some people could get itchy feet and want to see whatelse is out there.

That's a very good point, I never really looked at it like that.

Maybe we'll have one final chat about it and then I can hopefully put it to bed for good.

Thanks so much for your input

maria34

Can you explain me how that works out - you have a girlfriend and dont text her or call her for a month? Why so? Did you meet up only or you had absolutely no contact at all? What relationship is that?

Werent you worried she might move on because you just dissapeared?

Are you that guy who lost the job and drunk for 3 weeks ending in the hospidal?

Grayfoxy

Cult of Personality wrote: »

Grayfoxy wrote: »

That's a very good point, I never really looked at it like that.

Maybe we'll have one final chat about it and then I can hopefully put it to bed for good.

Thanks so much for your input

And I wish you the best of luck

Cult of Personality

maria34 wrote: »

Can you explain me how that works out - you have a girlfriend and dont text her or call her for a month? Why so? Did you meet up only or you had absolutely no contact at all? What relationship is that?

Werent you worried she might move on because you just dissapeared?

Are you that guy who lost the job and drunk for 3 weeks ending in the hospidal?

No contact save for a happy xmas text on xmas day.

And no, I'm not

Grayfoxy

maria34 wrote: »

Can you explain me how that works out - you have a girlfriend and dont text her or call her for a month? Why so? Did you meet up only or you had absolutely no contact at all? What relationship is that?

Werent you worried she might move on because you just dissapeared?

Are you that guy who lost the job and drunk for 3 weeks ending in the hospidal?

Wow, that is a bit assumptiuous.

myself and my girlfriend had been going through a rough patch, texts getting
less frequent, got to the stage where we stopped contacting each other for a
whole month

Not once did he say "I", he said "we".

Big Bag of Chips

Cult of Personality, you posted about this issue a few weeks ago.

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