On feeling good

UngratefulWhelp

Hi,
This is not a personal issue in the normal sense, but merely a sharing of experience in the hope others might benefit from it. I'm in my mid-30s and for much of my life I have suffered from a chronic lack of self-esteem and held a pessimistic outlook. Like many others similarly afflicted, there was no solid reason for this. I have a good job, a house and friends, albeit not as many as I could have. Last year, I recognised the damage this was doing to me and began to take steps to try and change that.

The first area I tackled was the physical. Due to a sedentary job and lifestyle, I had was more than a stone overweight. Two BBC Horizon documentaries were key here, as a third would prove later in another area. They were 'Eat, Fast and Live Longer' and 'The Truth about Exercise'. If you haven't seen them, I highly recommend them. The result was that by the end of the year, I had lost seven kilos and could fit into a pair of jeans again I last wore in my early 20s (hey, I'm a clothes hoarder, don't judge me).

Next came dealing with the negative aspects of my personality. The kickstart to this was another Horizon edition, this one called 'The truth about personality'. This revealed how constantly having negative thoughts would inevitably result in a negative outlook on life. Hardly all that surprising, but simply something that had never occurred to me, and I consider myself an intelligent person.

One of the people to feature on the documentary was an Irish academic in Britain who specialised in the study of optimism/pessimism. She got the presenter to do a test in which he had to click on the one smiling face amid a group of frowning ones as quickly as possible. Apparently doing this on a daily basis would turn you from a pessimist to an optimist (can't recall the exact science). I tried that, but it was hard to maintain it on a daily basis.

Next came the affirmations. Many of you will know about these, they've been around for as long as Muhammad Ali has been calling himself the greatest. I also tried to cut any negative thoughts about myself dead. If one floated into my head, I would stop it immediately and repeat something positive to myself. All of this left me in a better place than I was, but still not where I wanted to be.

I had more or less cut out the self-loathing, but still lacked the self-confidence I felt I required to achieve what I want in life. I was still getting occasional minor anxiety attacks in work about my worth, was I good enough to keep my job, etc. Then came an unexpected hammer blow when I split up with my long-term partner.

This was particularly hard as I felt she was someone I could grow old together with. I reacted as many an Irishman did in the past - I hit the gargle for a couple of weeks. I would go out with whoever was around just to avoid going home to an empty house. The fact that this was around Christmas time made doing that a lot easier, but I was under no illusion that the party would have to end soon.

As avoiding moping around the house was a priority, I threw myself into a dance course I had started with my former partner, ensuring other evenings were taken up with classes in drama, language and whatever else was available. A friend of mine who had recently gone through something similar had told me to treat the breakup like an opportunity.

He had split with his long-term other shortly beforehand and was making plans to travel the world. I couldn't afford to do that, but resolved to follow his advice. My initial reaction to the end of the relationship was to go out and find someone else. The problem there was most of my other friends are already hitched or tied down, there were no 'wing men' to accompany me.

I read several PUA-type things online on how to approach women, what to say, etc, but it didn't seem me. I like good-looking women (who doesn't?) but I wasn't sure if I was interested in getting involved with some of the shallow characters all of this was designed to win over. Eventually I realised that even bagging a supermodel wouldn't deal with the root cause of my woes - my lack of self-confidence.

Googling brought me to a guy called Brian Tracy, whose stuff is on Youtube. A particularly long-winded video of his recommended writing down a list of goals and then each morning writing them afresh as if you were achieving them (e.g. I am learning karate, I am skydiving, etc). His take was that confidence could only built by achieving goals in life and that these would have to be measurable.

All of which seemed quite logical, but unfortunately also quite long-term. More Googling led me to hypnotism - could I hypnotise myself better? I downloaded two separate recordings, one for self-confidence, the other designed to make me an extrovert and would listen to one or both on a daily basis. It was hard to find the time to specifically lie down and listen to these things as recommended, so I would do it on the bus or even while out walking.

That was two weeks ago and I feel it has really worked. The other day I was out walking and I suddenly realised that my mood was really good. I am now greeting people instead of feeling awkward in their presence, attending social evenings on my own where I don't know anyone and striking up conversations with strangers. My mood is better and - while I still have my off days - the world is a much brighter place for me than it was even before the breakup.

The recordings I used were Paul McKenna's instant confidence one and another one regarding extroverts, as far as I can recall it's the only on that comes up when you Google for something like that. However, I'm sure others are just as good. The point is, this has finally given me what I've been searching for for years and I'm going to keep listening to them. Hopefully this will help others looking for the same.

Taltos

OP - as you are not seeking advice for a personal issue I am going to proceed and close your thread. However I am leaving it here in case others find inspiration in it.
Possibly a blog would be more suitable though if you wish to share this and other stories on your journey to feeling good about yourself.

Thanks
Taltos