How am I supposed to feel?

nicowa

My parents split last year after 30 years of marriage. There had been many fights and my mother had been threatening to leave for about a year. One day she did. I'm 28, married with kids in Dublin, they're in Clare. Since I went to college my dad has rung me at least once, often twice a week, to see how I was doing. Whereas I wouldn't hear from my mother all week. I'd come in from travelling and sit down beside her (she would be on the computer playing card games) and tell her how my week went with barely a word or question from her about what I did.

When she left I was fairly upset. I had fits of crying for a few days after and was generally upset for a few days afterwards. When I told my mother in law, several weeks later, I nearly broke down again. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that, despite the fact that I would have always said that once they children have left the home, it's no real concern of theirs what happens, I was hurt and angry that my parents had split and I'm still worried that my mother didn't love my father for a long time. That she only married him as she'd had a child out of wedlock in the late 70s (not his) and felt no one else would have her...

There was always tension at home. Dad always seemed to be keeping the worrysome financial things from Mam. He says (and my oldest sister says) that she never wanted to know. Mam says he never wanted to tell her. It was probably a bit of both - she'd get annoyed and worried about things so he wouldn't tell her the full truth and for a finish she didn't want to talk about things she wasn't going to have a real say in... my opinion anyway.

Since they split I hardly hear from her whereas my dad has stepped up his calls. It went from simply needing to talk to someone - so he talked about the weather - to now being able to talk about being upset and unable to work and needing social welfare to survive and being depressed.

And while I'm supportive I don't want to hear it. I have my own problems here in the house with stepson causing trouble for us. And I hate hearing how bad off he is.

In terms of family, my oldest sister isn't talking to my mum as she was there and heard direct from dad how bad the arguments were and what my mother was saying/doing to him. The boys are not not talking to her they just don't hear from her. And my youngest sister says she hates her.

The last time I spoke to my younger sister I was defending my mum - she had asked for a "settlement" of €1000, which, since my dad can hardly work and is supporting two kids in college, he doesn't have - I was saying that she hadn't been told he didn't have the money, by him or anyone else and that once I told her she said she would back off and even gave money to the college students and said to ask when they needed more. It seemed my mother was being fairly reasonable.

My sister turned round and said that my mum had had an affair. The year my dad was in a car accident and his back was very badly off and as my sister said "he couldn't, she found someone else".

I haven't spoken to my mum since I found that out. Like I said, we don't talk that often, and when we do nothing bad has ever been said. I had always said that I wasn't angry at her - I just wanted the two of them to be happy, and if she wasn't happy there, then she had to remove herself...

She's coming up to see me and my kids tomorrow. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know whether I'm supposed to be angry about this or not. I don't know whether I'm betraying my dad or my sisters by seeing her - my younger sister has already said that by coming down on my mum as lightly as I have been - or by being as neutral as I have been - that my older sister can't talk to me, that she's living in loneliness and depression cos she has no one to talk to.

I just want to be able to love my parents without having to hear the bad side of what's happening between them because of the other one.

Is that selfish of me?

CaraMay

It's none of your business that your mother had an affair and you should not be manipulated by your siblings to talk or not talk to her.

If it were me I would try and stay talking to both of them. It's hard having to listen to your dad but could you organise and pay for counselling for him even once a month to allow him get his head around things?

It's a huge change for both of them and all the family but kids should not be interfering in their parents marriage end of

Starokan

Break ups are never easy, lines are drawn and sides are taken, the best way I think to look at this is that they are now two seperate people and you should treat them that way.

Forget the past , it was influenced by them both being in a relationship which which in all likelihood ended long before they actually called it a day, this relationship probably set the tone for everything they did and the ways they both acted.

If your mother had an affair you have just got to accept and move on, who knows why she had it it.

With your dad he is going through a real transition and even though its a nightmare for you to take those calls im guessing that you are really helping him by being there.

Look after yourself too, no shame in you being sad or down as well, no one wants to see their parents apart.

nicowa

Thanks guys. She's here today happily playing with my kids and its good. We haven't said anything about my dad or anything - it's always just been easier to not talk about the bad things.

CaraMay

nicowa wrote: »

Thanks guys. She's here today happily playing with my kids and its good. We haven't said anything about my dad or anything - it's always just been easier to not talk about the bad things.

A lot of families operate best like that.

cloudatlas

O.P. if you don't talk about it with your mother then it will fester in your mind and perhaps destroy your relationship. Do the mature thing and talk about it.

As an aside. I don't understand why everyone is so vehemently against someone who is in a family and is aware of an affair revealing it. Surely if you are part of a family and someone is continuously doing something that hurts another person you reveal that fact in order to stop that person from causing further hurt unknown or not. Is it part of Irish society to conceal and ignore horror and hurtful actions, historically and anecdotaly? I'm beginning to think the art of concealment is endemic in our society.

nicowa

cloudatlas wrote: »

O.P. if you don't talk about it with your mother then it will fester in your mind and perhaps destroy your relationship. Do the mature thing and talk about it.

As an aside. I don't understand why everyone is so vehemently against someone who is in a family and is aware of an affair revealing it. Surely if you are part of a family and someone is continuously doing something that hurts another person you reveal that fact in order to stop that person from causing further hurt unknown or not. Is it part of Irish society to conceal and ignore horror and hurtful actions, historically and anecdotaly? I'm beginning to think the art of concealment is endemic in our society.

As far as I'm aware the affair is over. And was over before any of us found out. Dad was the first to know.

I don't really hold against her that she had the affair. I don't seem to have any strong feelings on it actually. And the main thing festering on my kind was whether I should say something or not. I went with not.