My mom is homeless, how can I get her help?

VonVix

I honestly have no idea where to post this, so if this is better off in another forum, please move this thread. Thank you.

Anyway, this is a long, long story, so I will keep it as short as possible.

My mom got evicted from her council flat a few years ago (she couldn't pay her bills any more when her child benefit stopped when I turned 18, she started selling stuff of hers and mine... and I honestly don't know why she didn't get on social welfare or a job or something), she has been couch hopping ever since.

I've kept out of it in the hopes that she'll get back on her feet somehow but it's not happening.

She has been leeching off my dad.

Trying to become an author, trying to make stuff to sell, but not trying to get a home or job or anything of the sort. I don't understand why.

She also has a BIG problem with lying.

I don't know what to do about her any more, I worry for my father's health with having to mind her all the time, it's not fair on him. How can I get someone involved to help her?

Starokan

Getting onto social welfare would be her first step on the way back but to do that im reasonably sure she has to have an address. Perhaps you and / or your dad could allow her to use your address and once she gets a couple of payments under her she could perhaps get small bedsit or something . She would be entitled to rent allowance

After that its up to her to improve her lot, she needs work or she needs a lucky break , hopefully one or the other come her way.

She needs to help herself though, no one else can start the process only her.

Gatling

Have you tried talking to a social worker about her or on her behalf ,
I find it hard to believe that she was paying rent ,bills ,feeding and clothing you and herself on just child benefit for one child ,
Couch surfing can only get her so far its not good that she's expecting others to support her and no effort on behalf,
She will find it hard to get housed again for the local authority and housing groups due to the previous eviction ,
Do you think she is capable of renting privately with rent supplement and been thrusted to pay her rent ,
Its a difficult situation it might need some tough love from you and your dad

VonVix

Starokan wrote: »

Getting onto social welfare would be her first step on the way back but to do that im reasonably sure she has to have an address. Perhaps you and / or your dad could allow her to use your address and once she gets a couple of payments under her she could perhaps get small bedsit or something . She would be entitled to rent allowance

After that its up to her to improve her lot, she needs work or she needs a lucky break , hopefully one or the other come her way.

She needs to help herself though, no one else can start the process only her.

This is a no can do, he doesn't want anything to do with her situation because of her debt (from the flat). As for me, I somehow escaped the situation miraculously thanks to my boyfriend, so there is no way I am getting her involved with my address here.


She doesn't seem to want to help herself, the only thing she is doing is hoping for some kind of lucky break and become a millionaire somehow. I have argued with her, cried, yelled at her, she's cried to me but never answered any questions as to why she isn't even trying. She's not young, mid-50's and seems to be completely delusional about everything. She has no medical card, so what if her health goes down the pan? I find this whole thing infuriating.

@Gatling - No, I haven't. I'm done trying to talk to her myself, so I've been trying to figure out who I can talk to to help her out of her situation, its been no use me talking to her, she'll tell me she's going to do something... then she won't do it and will probably come out with excuses as to why she didn't do something or lie that she did do it.

I honestly don't understand the money situation from when I did live with her, I was young and unhappy myself, pretty much lapped up whatever she told me as being the truth.

I just don't know how to get things started with her getting some money coming in and getting her somewhere to live. It's like one can't be without the other, so I'm stuck with trying to figure out how to push her into some sort of independence.

Czarcasm

Hi VonVix,

Have you approached any of the homeless services or the community welfare officer (a quick google search will give you the relevant services in your area) who would be able to put you in touch with homeless services providers?

That would be the first step in getting your mother the help she needs, but she needs to be willing to engage with them on an ongoing basis.

bigblackmug

Go to the social welfare office with her. Get the paperwork done. Persist with getting social welfare even if staff in social welfare try to blank you.
Get the person on unemployment register and keep chipping away at it.
social welfare is there for a reason. I haven't paid PRSI for all those years just so someone close to me can be fobbed off by social welfare officers who don't want to help.
I had to do this for someone close to me last year who had completely disengaged and really had no means of supporting themselves and was making really stupid choices. It took months. This person was really apathetic and not dealing with their problems. Also, don't be scared of saying no if the person you are helping is trying to make bad decisions and needs assistence in making those bad decisions. I had to say "No" to them. The objective is to help them and solve issues, not to be their friend.
Also be careful of them telling you what they think you want to hear.

Ham Sambo

Just as a matter of interest, do you think your Mum might be going through some type of breakdown (for want of a better expression), If for some reason she can not get a social welfare payment then she can apply to the Community Welfare Officer in her area for an emergency payment and medical card, you could also have a word with her GP and try and get an angle on what's going through her head. Best of luck.

The Corinthian

I've seen this before a few times and the short answer is there's almost nothing you can do except contain the problem.

Whatever it is, such people tend to become like this in childhood. Somewhere along the way, they learn that by playing the poor-mouth, the dizzy-headed damsel in distress or lovable, yet pathetic, fool they can illicit the sympathy of others to solve their problems, and dig them out of whatever hole they've dug for themselves, so as to generally bankroll them.

They'll often be very generous to those around them (naturally with someone else's money), but constantly play the martyr, hinting either subtlety, or not so subtlety, and how hard they have it, so as to illicit empathy, affection and encourage assistance. It's subconsciously part of a long term strategy.

Their apparent answer, if challenged, to getting out of whatever financial mess they're inevitably in (because they can't handle money - easy come, easy go) will always be some 'get rich quick' scheme - most commonly winning the Lotto (which they'll talk about and how they'll share it with you).

If they are able to get away with this, letting others bail them out, long enough, they learn that they'll always be taken care of by someone, no matter what they do, because people will feel too guilty not to. And eventually, they become too old to change from this lifestyle.

My paternal grandmother was like this and she was a constant monkey on my father's back, his entire life - as soon as he was old enough to earn, he was paying out to her because she was always 'short' at the end of each month.

Unfortunately, all you can do is contain such people. They won't learn from their mistakes unless you catch them still young enough that they can learn, as once a certain age they've had other people clean up for them for so long that any such lesson becomes pointless. Ultimately, the only thing you can do is literally have to take control of their finances so they cannot screw things up, and practically treat them like children, otherwise they'll cause damage to everyone around them.

thefeatheredcat

Op there's so much about your mother's finances you don't know, especially when you were younger. I think before you decide to do anything, that you find out a little more about the financial situation your mother has been in going back some years. What does your dad say about her and money? Have you any relatives on your mother's side, aunts / uncles that might have known what was going on when you were growing up? Any close friends of hers that you'd know and who would know ?

My gut instinct is don't get yourself involved in her financial affairs, or even to the extent that you are relied upon to fix and sort things out for her - with exception to there being something more serious such as a general break down, mental health issue or something like that that has left her incapable of doing these things herself - because you will then always be called upon to sort things out for her.

Some things have stood out to me, such as if she was in council housing, then she may have been in receipt of some form of social welfare in order to qualify for housing in the first place, if that was the case, why, if she is no longer in receipt of social welfare, was her sw discontinued? If on being evicted, she had meetings with sw, did she go? Has she been avoiding them because of unpaid debts, or was she denied sw from the debts, or even was the debt being deducted from her sw? If she has been living on other people's couches for the last few years, how has she been supported financially outside of borrowing off the people she was staying with or you or your dad? Has anyone that she was staying with also tried to help her in sorting her out with sw or accommodation? Have some of them been burned in sorting her out and then she doesn't bother to show up to any meetings set up, doesn't sign on, misses a payment and doesn't go back to sw to sort it out? Have others been onto homeless services on her behalf and tried to get her sorted?

There's lots of great points already made, interestingly The Corinthian described in perfect detail exactly what my sister is like; and even if your mother is not like that, it would be very easy for you to get very much sucked into her financial difficulties from various different angles.

After you get some background, get onto organisations who will help her directly and can take control of the situation. She would need real help, and I think that would be too much to deal with on your own or without the backing and support of various services that could be crucial to her changing her circumstances and taking responsibility for herself.