The art of communication

LegacyUser

Need an unbiased opinion on current relationship problem, have friends but none I could trust to not say something about the issue.
I'm 35, with my partner with ten years, we have a 9 month old baby.
With probably 3 years the relationship has become more like house mates than a couple, we do nothing together. I suggest places to go before baby and since baby has come along but he generally makes a bit of a face and I say its fine we can leave it.
I go through phases of saying I'm not going to make an effort let him do it but then I do, I cook a nice meal or buy him something I know he would like but its like nothing just a oh right thanks.
I'm beyond lonely and now I'm wondering maybe he wants me to break up with him that he doesn't want to be the one to do it.
A friend recently mentioned to me that she saw him on an internet dating site (his photo) when she hinted about this to him, didn't say it outright the photo was taken down.
I know I'm a fool but with the little fellow I feel I need to at least keep trying so he has a proper family. Since November I'm upset most days, I'm beyond lonely.
I had a friend basically tell me recently he had feelings for me, prior to this we were speaking most days, to be honest I was just so happy that somebody was interested in how my day was etc. I feel so guilty over his admission even though nothing happened I feel guilty that another man admitted feelings for me, we've been friends 3 years but never have even hinted about issues with my partner, I actually put on a façade I even say to myself when leaving the house that its time to paint on the smile, feel like I need to keep up appearance for family and friends.
The root of my problem is the loneliness at home and the knowing he would rather stare into the computer than speak to me. The self confidence though has taken a severe battering over the years, he can be quite manipulative but I think I've only woken up to this after the baby arrived.
Not sure what advice I'm even after, maybe anybody who's had similar issues at home.

LegacyUser

The first thing you need to do is really seriously ask yourself if you can see the relationship working again. At the moment, it doesn't seem like that. Internet dating? Seriously - what kind of a husband/father would do that?

If you think the relationship has no future, you have to end it and move on with your life as quickly as possible. if it has a future, you have to speak to your husband, confront it and try to make it work.

If that doesn't work, you have to leave the relationship.

The biggest thing of all I will say to you is this; Never be afraid to do the right thing. It will take a huge amount of bravery to do it, but if it's the right thing, you have to do it.

Good luck.

Merkin

He sounds like he has totally disengaged but may not want to terminate the relationship for fear of being the bad guy for walking out on a new baby. I think you need to have a very serious chat about whether he still wants to be with you.

I'd also forget about the other guy for now, it's a distraction you don't need right now when your priority is to establish if this has a future or not.

AnonMouse

Dublin Town wrote: »

I know I'm a fool but with the little fellow I feel I need to at least keep trying so he has a proper family.

Firstly OP, you shouldn't put yourself down. You are not a fool. You're trying to make your new family work.

For your baby's further development, it would better to come from a broken home than live in one OP. If you split up with your partner, it would be a better environment for your baby to grow up in than one where the parents don't get on very well. In future years, they might start to think that their parents only stayed together because of them.

I've seen many couples stay together for the sake of the children. I think it is a terrible idea, as people are entitled to their happiness and there is no point in being in an unfulfilled relationship.

You deserve better than a guy who is on dating websites, with his photos flaunted. Everyone knows about 20 people that use dating websites, so he obviously didn't even care enough to keep his profile photos hidden, out of respect to you. In my opinion, you would be well rid of him.

Good luck OP, I hope it all works out for you.

Merkin

AnonMouse wrote: »

For your baby's further development, it would better to come from a broken home than live in one OP.

Never a truer word spoken!

m'lady

Totally agree with the other posters, a man/woman that will openly go on a dating site has, in his head removed himself from the relationship and has held no regard for your feelings at all.

As already advised I would forget about this other guy for the time being, you have said that you liked the fact that he had an interest in your life (which your other half isn't displaying?), so you would be getting involved for possibly the wrong reasons..

Don't stay in a relationship for the sake of your child, as the tension will be picked up by him sooner or later.

Have you actually tried talking to your partner?