Friendship conflict: Advice needed (long post)

edelg

I'm a college student and last night on a fairly drunken night out with my housemate and her sister, they made a few digs about me and a guy we know saying we fancied each other. So I replied, without a thought and just taking the piss "No ye love each other", followed by shouting out "incest!".

Right, so I know incest was a sick joke to make, but there was no malice in it all because actually me and my own sister do be talking sh***e like that with each other. Just stupid stuff like She'd slap me on the arse or if she says she dislikes something I'm wearing I'll reply something daft like "yeah don't lie I know you want me!" Just completely having a laugh with each other.

But it didn't go down too well in this case. So the previous events all took place outside the nightclub walking to get a taxi. As soon as we got in the taxi I noticed I was given the silent treatment. Then when I attempted to talk to them it kicked off. They were actually furious at me for the comment. I was told by my housemate that she was sick of all my s***, to f*** off you goon, the other girl said I was disgusting etc. I was so caught off guard, I was expecting it at all I just kept asking "Are you being serious?" To which I was just shouted at more.

I'm not a confrontational person at all, I'm actually s*** in these situations and I just started to cry, sitting there in the taxi which just got me more looks. Then the sister of my housemate along with her own housemate very obviously said to mine, "We're going straight to bed", which was a lie because before that we were all supposed to be going back to hers for a party. It was like a scene from mean girls and all I could do was keep crying.

So on they went into the sister's house and I went back to my own. I was in such a state I needed to talk to someone so called over to the neighbours' and just cried my eyes out. When I came home, my housemate arrived not long after along with the return of 2 other housemates who had been out and they were having great craic while I was hidden in my room. I heard the one I'd had the fight with leave so I went out and the atmosphere became noticeably quieter. So now my fear is they've turned the rest against me too probably saying I'm a sick freak. I've spent the whole day in my room avoiding them. I don't know what to do, should I try to talk to the one the fight was with?

It really pissed me off when she said "I'm sick of your s**t." We have always got on, never fought. I have been nothing but nice to them. I paid for taxis, share my vodka, loaned my spare phone which she is currently using. It just really shocked me. What should I do??? I can't hide out for the rest of the year.

Merkin

Your use of text speak is really grating and hard to read.

You need to confront this head on and apologise for being out of order. What you deem funny others will find inappropriate so it's important to apologise when sober. I'd also ask her what she meant about being sick of your behaviour, you may be grating on people without even realising.

edelg

I agree with what you have said, I know what I said was wrong but does that mean I deserved to be treated that way? As a said before, it was honestly like a scene from Mean girls if any of you have seen that movie, I felt so ganged up on. Also my housemate is not a very clean cut person by any standards, she comes out with some pretty un-angelic things herself, just to let you know that she's not someone you really have to watch your Ps and Qs around. Yeah I'm sure like everyone, I can be annoying at times but overall I have been a very good friend to her.
That thread took an age to type out on my phone as it is. For a message that length I thought I was doing well with the amount of text speak!

Tokyo

IT took three attempts to make sense of that, but how and ever....

I'm guessing that this isn't an isolated incident, and that you've pushed the envelope before with comments that you've made to your housemate. I'd imagine that a combination of alcohol and your housemate having enough of this behavior is what brought this to a head.

In short, joking or not, you implied incest between your housemate and his sister, in front of his sister, and quite possibly a few other people outside the nightclub. There's no ambiguity here - you were in the wrong, and your housemate was quite justified in telling you to piss off.

Everything points towards this not being a one-off situation, whether you realise it or not. The onus is on you to apologise to both of them, and perhaps acknowledge that you crossed the line without realising it. And for your own benefit, try to establish where the line is, for the future.

edelg

How do I approach her, what should I even say? Should I text her or knock on her door?

Czarcasm

Tbh OP it sounds like your group of friends/housemates don't mind YOU being the butt of all jokes, but under no circumstances are you allowed have a joke at their expense. I have an idea that's what may have thrown them and caused them to turn so vicious.

Your best option at this point would be to find alternative accommodation and a new set of friends. This may seem like drastic measures, but your housemates don't sound like the type to forgive and forget any time soon, not when they're the butt of the joke. It sounds unfair, sure, but for your own peace of mind...

Merkin

Knock on her door and apologise face to face.

edelg

Actually it very much so is an isolated incident. My housemate is a girl who I have only known a few months. We have never so much as had an argument! I'm not the type of person you are trying to make me out to be, I'm actually very shy and I always let people walk all over me. I don't make any comments about her, we get on perfectly well. I do whatever I can to help her if she ever needs anything. Most of our conversations are just telling each other stories or watching tv and chatting about what's on. I don't know how I can stress to you that I have been a good friend to her and that this really is the first occurrence of any conflict.

Tokyo

I'm not questioning your intended friendship towards your housemate, I'm saying that it's quite possible that you rubbed your housemate up the wrong way in the past and didn't realise it, and it came to a head on that particular night. TBH, it's hard to tell what kind of dynamic you guys have based on your posts, on one hand you say

me and my own sister do be talking sh***e like that with each other.....Just completly havin a laugh with each other.

...implying that this kind of humour is normal to you, but on the other hand with respect to your housemate

I'm actually very shy......I don't make any comments about her

...it's quite possible that your sense of humour has leaked into your relationship with your housemate.... hard to say really.


But either way, there's a big difference between a couple of jibes about you liking some random (and unrelated to you) guy in a club, and pointing to your housemate and sister, and "shouting out incest". I'd see that as a line being crossed too, if I was in your housemates shoes, to be honest.

Time to be upfront about it - go to the housemate in person, apologise for crossing the line and hopefully you'll both be able to write it off as part of the stupidity that can happen on a drunken night out.

edelg

Oh god I didn't mean to make it sound like me and my sister find incest funny!
: O
We only make the odd mild joke. I don't have a sick, twisted sense of humour! The only reason I said it was because I was turning the jibes back around on the pair who said them so if it was just two random people I would still have said no you love each other! But then I realised they were sisters and I shouted incest. This was in recognition of the fact that me saying no ye love each other and that they were sisters, that incest is what it would be. Thats how my stupid drunk mind works. I'm by no means defending saying it, I really do know I shouldn't have, I'm just explaining how it came about.

Tokyo

edelg wrote: »

...I was turning the jibes back around on the pair who said them so if it was just two random people I would still have said no you love each other! But then I realised they were sisters and I shouted incest!

The second part of my above post still stands... you crossed the line with drunken humour that went pear shaped. Is it so hard to say sorry and move on??

edelg

'you crossed the line with drunken humour that went pear shaped. Is it so hard to say sorry and move on??'

'I'm by no means defending saying it, I really do know I shouldn't have, I'm just explaining how it came about.'

Stavro Mueller

You never know what skeletons are in any family's closet. For all you know, your housemate and her sister have a pervert in the family who has done a lot of harm. You'd be surprised at how many families have a perv in their midst. Or someone close to them has been a victim of incest or a kiddy fiddler. Off-colour jokes don't work so well if someone is personally affected by the issue. Let's say someone has a parent who has Alzheimer's - I doubt they'll find jokes about forgetting things quite as hilarious as other people will.

The best thing to do is knock on your housemate's door and apologise for the joke. If you don't see things improving after this, I strongly suggest you find somewhere else to live. There's nothing worse than living somewhere that you're not happy - it'll suck the life out of you.

Big Bag of Chips

edelg, as you can see txtspk isn't appreciated in Personal Issues! As you are on your phone (not fone!.. that's only 1 extra letter by the way - same as "the" is only 1 extra than "de" ) I will edit your original post for you.

Please do not use txtspk again, or your thread will be locked. Posters just can't be bothered to try figure it out to reply to it!

ManOfMystery

When you say something that you think is funny, and no-one else finds it funny, you have 2 options : you can stand your ground and maintain that you are in the right because you didn't intend any malice, or you can apologise for being out of line.

Everyone has their own sense of humour, and most of us can laugh at the same things or find a middle ground, but occasionally a joke will be deemed over the top. We've probably all been in that situation, and when alcohol has consumed that can also skewer people's perspective of what is an acceptable joke and what isn't.

Whilst I personally thought your comment was fairly harmless, it could be taken badly if someone has had any experiences of abuse or if it came across too seriously. I have no idea what you sound like when you speak, but some people also have a very dry kind of line delivery and it's not always apparent that they're joking. Personally, if I was in your shoes, I'd apologise.

Legs.Eleven

This sounds like drunken arguing to me and it got out of hand because you were all worse for wear. People can act like absolute fools when they're drunk and say stuff and take stuff to heart that they never normally would. Whatever you do, sort it out when you're both sober and without hangovers. Your comment was odd but the reaction was OTT in my opinion (I'd say alcohol was the cause of that TBH). If you can't sort it out with her, move. More drama than it's worth by the sounds of it.

Starokan

Drunken comment causes argument, it happens constantly, dont beat yourself up over it, try talk to them about it, apologise if you feel the need too and if they are still off with you then f**k them.

I have no time for people who can make everyone else the butt of jokes but cant take it themselves, fair enough your comment was a bit over the top but sure its obviously a joke between friends

Hopefully its all good again with you guys but if not they really are not worth the bother

ivytwine

edelg wrote: »

But it didn't go down too well in this case. So the previous events all took place outside the nightclub walking to get a taxi. As soon as we got in the taxi I noticed I was given the silent treatment. Then when I attempted to talk to them it kicked off. They were actually furious at me for the comment. I was told by my housemate that she was sick of all my s***, to f*** off you goon, the other girl said I was disgusting etc. I was so caught off guard, I was expecting it at all I just kept asking "Are you being serious?" To which I was just shouted at more.

I'm not a confrontational person at all, I'm actually s*** in these situations and I just started to cry, sitting there in the taxi which just got me more looks. Then the sister of my housemate along with her own housemate very obviously said to mine, "We're going straight to bed", which was a lie because before that we were all supposed to be going back to hers for a party. It was like a scene from mean girls and all I could do was keep crying.

I've spent the whole day in my room avoiding them. I don't know what to do, should I try to talk to the one the fight was with?

It really pissed me off when she said "I'm sick of your s**t." We have always got on, never fought. I have been nothing but nice to them. I paid for taxis, share my vodka, loaned my spare phone which she is currently using. It just really shocked me. What should I do??? I can't hide out for the rest of the year.

edelg wrote: »

Also my housemate is not a very clean cut person by any standards, she comes out with some pretty un-angelic things herself, just to let you know that she's not someone you really have to watch your Ps and Qs around.

edelg wrote: »

I'm actually very shy and I always let people walk all over me.

Just highlighting a few things that stood out to me.

I hope you came out of your room firstly and apologised. However, I think the reaction here was overly harsh to say the least. It was a dumb joke and yes, you might have touched a nerve if there was a history of child abuse in the family. So go out an apologise to them.

I too have a 'peppery' sense of humour (although mine is more gallows) and it's got me into trouble. I remember once coming out of the loos at Limerick train station and telling my friend that I'd caught syphilis from the unsanitary conditions. He was with a girl in his college class who was so appalled by this comment that she not only ignored me, but never spoke to him again either!

However, I think your friends treated you with unnecessary harshness. Letting you sit there and cry in the taxi and telling you they're sick of your ****? There is more to this than a dumb wisecrack imo.

I would think Czarcasm has it on the button with his post. It seems to me these girls don't appreciate you getting your back teeth. You seem to be doing a lot for your housemate in particular, what are you getting return? Sharing vodka, paying for taxis- when I was in college (not THAT long ago) there is no way anyone would do this for a friend unless they were chipping in on their fair share or paying them back. Money simply wasn't there. A bottle was an excellent birthday present!

Likewise, I've given my old phone away- after Meteor made it abundantly clear it was so crap they wouldn't accept it for trade-in. Again, while of course friendship is not a balance book, but there should be a reasonable amount of give and take. And you seem to be getting nothing in return.

You said you are not good at standing up for yourself, is it possible that these girls are less your friends and more taking advantage?

I hope you have talked this out with them. All food for thought. Have a look at expanding your social circle and maybe taking something up that's yours and yours alone. You'd be amazed at the confidence it gives you.

Also, this is a bit off-topic and I'm not having a go, but I would have thought with autocorrect it was quicker not to use textspeak, no?

Good luck Edel

Katgurl

Oh i really feel sorry for you OP - good god, the ridiculous stuff myself & my friends say to each other.

Anyway, for whatever reason, you touched a nerve. For the sake of yourself, just knock on the door and apologize for offending your housemate. I always find it's the most straightforward approach; "hi listen, about last night, I was only being funny but I really am sorry for offending you. There was no malice intended. Could we forget about it?" If she continues to be a c**t to you, you know you've done your best so find somewhere better to live.