Do relationship breaks actually work?

LegacyUser

Hi all

With my OH 3 years (I'm female and we are both in our mid 20's)

I've just told him last night that I needed a break

I'm finding this so hard. I am a seriously considerate and compassionate person, I give my all to this man and for the last year I just don't see the point anymore. We have a lot of good times but the bad times seem to creep into my mind more.

I give 100% in this relationship, always helping him when I can and now these days I feel like a complete mug. He makes a half arsed effort and is genuinely perplexed at me when I mention that his lack of effort actually hurts me.

I've had a couple of in dept chats with him now over it all and I still don't think it's hitting home yet. I think he may have gotten too comfy with me just taking all of this (I'm quite laidback) and now the **** has hit the fan. I had a bit of a meltdown this weekend and finally I answered his call last night, I basically explained to him that I cannot be just a second thought to him anymore when I put so much effort in for him. I told him I need a little while to think things over and to decide if I want to continue in this relationship.

Needless to say he is trying to talk me around etc. But I stood firm and said that at the moment, I see no future with us because of how he acts. That I cant keep being hurt all the time, and at the moment, all I feel for him is resentment. I spoke about how I was out at the weekend, saw an old friend and when they asked me if we were still together - it was like a robotic/mechanical answer from me. I felt nothing inside when I answered yes. This has happened a few times when I see old friends.

We had a bit of chat etc. and he seemed to think all was ok, but when we were saying goodbye I again said to him that I need some time to think because I don't know if this is for me anymore.

He sounds devastated on the phone but I honestly do not even care. He has just let me down so many times and disappointed me that I don't think it's even possible to reverse it! I have those feelings festering inside, and he goes and lets me down time and time again.

These are minor things I'm talking about but still, after 3 years I am worn down so much and I warned him this would happen if he didn't pull the finger out.

He's been texting me this morning, misses me etc. saying he wants me to be happy and maybe he doesn't deserve me. That he's to blame for me being miserable. He told me to take all the time I need. I know he doesn't mean any of the things he does in a malicious way, but I'm trying to make him see that if he seriously cared about me and loved me, he wouldn't be treating me like that!

Is this a waste of my time?

I do love him - but I think after all that's happened I cant fully love him the way I did at the start unless he does a complete u-turn which I don't think is really possible.

Can anyone tell me if they have had luck with a so called break? Or am I just prolonging the inevitable?

Really & truly heartbroken.

ladygirl

Op
I think it really depends on what the problems in your relationship are. Unless you can give examples on how he lets you down etc then it is hard to see if your relationship is worth salvaging..

In my own personal experience a break does not work - it just postpones the inevitable.. It is either on or off through the good times and bad.. Breaks do not factor into any relationship with me - but as I said that is just my experience. without knowing your story it is hard to give clear advise

LegacyUser

Thanks for you reply!

Should have mentioned some instances.

He is late for EVERYTHING. Every single plan we make is always almost ruined because he is just never on time. This is how his family is so i think its a dynamic that he has and doesnt see any problem with it. Me on the other hand am always, always on time, I've never been late for work in 5 years, its' just how I am.
It is annoying though because we book hotel nights to get away and by the time he's ready etc. it could be 10pm, so we've wasted a whole day we could have been in a hotel that is paid for. He knows this p*sses me off but still, continues to be late. Please note: I understand some people are like that but I find it really hard to accept it when I know how easy it is to be on time! I just dont get it.

He spends so much of his time with his brother (whom he lives with and goes to college with) and I get really annoyed that when I come to the house, the younger brother is there like a third wheel and I just feel like I never get alone time with him. There's times when we wouldnt have seen each other for a week and we'll organise going to town for pints/lunch or whatever (probably running late aswell) and I'll hear him invite the brother?? I said to him on the phone last night that I am not going to be in a threeway relationship with him and his brother. I know this is only one example but it happens a lot.

The one thing that hurt the most, I was making Christmas dinner for the first time ever last month, big deal for me as I've never cooked a dinner like that and we had the house to ourselves (my parents were away) so i was all excited about having a few drinks, eating dinner and chilling out. So on the day - his phone is off, couldn't get through to him, so I rang his mam and she said he was still in bed (this was 3pm) so she said she would get him up. I was really really angry because I had planned this from back in October - he knew very very well what plans I had and he chose to sleep in bed until 3pm. He rang me and again said sorry, which at this stage in the game has no meaning to me anymore he has said it that many times. He told me to stick the din on and he would be up in 45 mins. In the end, he was late again and the dinner was going cold. I was so so disappointed because it was such a big deal to me and he just didnt even notice.

I told him that on the phone last night, I said I still haven't forgiven him for it because he was so inconsiderate. I would never ever let him down, but he does it to me on a weekly basis.

There are other things but at the moment I can only think of the things that have been bothering me the most.

He seems really hurt when I told him all this last night - it's not the first time I've said it to him either. He said he knows he's taking me for granted and he wants to try so hard to make it right again. Feel sick as I write this, but I genuinely have no faith in that

So hard to have faith in someone who has let you down so many many times.

CaraMay

A break doesn't really work. Sounds like he has sucked the life out of you and your relationship. Don't put up with someone who doesn't value you. Life is too short

heretochat

My experience is that breaks do not work either... Generally they are an excuse for a relationship to end without the person asking for the beak having to do the awful deed.

It seems that you are exhausted by this guy and you need to find someone who will give you back what you give him.

But be careful not to invest yourself too much as you will end up as a doormat..

As for this guy - didn't know what he had until it was gone.

Honestly OP I would regard that lateness as you and your time not being any kind of priority in his life and he simply isn't arsed. There's no excuse for it.
If things hadn't gotten this bad already, I'd take the approach of treating myself to the hotel night away on my own if he's not ready in time and leaving without him. If I went down and he was inviting third wheels all the time I'd turn around and go back home and tell him I'll come back when he is ready to spend some actual quality time together. Late for a dinner you cook, leave his half to go cold and you eat your bit and tell him he can make his own dinner if he shows up.
But the whole thing is utterly disrespectful, sounds like he couldn't care less about you, your time, your effort, and I'm not sure crying promises would change that. And it sounds like you've had the life drained out of you already. Sure, maybe give it a go after the break, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

CaraMay

How rude and selfish. Stay on that break or make it a break up as he has no manners.

Did you post before about him not showing up for Xmas dinner?

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Honestly OP I would regard that lateness as you and your time not being any kind of priority in his life and he simply isn't arsed. There's no excuse for it.
If things hadn't gotten this bad already, I'd take the approach of treating myself to the hotel night away on my own if he's not ready in time and leaving without him. If I went down and he was inviting third wheels all the time I'd turn around and go back home and tell him I'll come back when he is ready to spend some actual quality time together. Late for a dinner you cook, leave his half to go cold and you eat your bit and tell him he can make his own dinner if he shows up.
But the whole thing is utterly disrespectful, sounds like he couldn't care less about you, your time, your effort, and I'm not sure crying promises would change that. And it sounds like you've had the life drained out of you already. Sure, maybe give it a go after the break, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Thank you Bluewolf. You are 100% spot on.

I just wish I hadn't been such a mug but I am so laid back at times and I guess I was clinging onto this joke of a relationship
I'm the one who's so hurt now, trying to keep it together in work and everything but I just feel like such an idiot. I fell for someone who couldn't give a toss about me quite obviously.

I wish I had have done all of the above, because I doubt I would be in this position now.

I dont even think he fully comprehends the position he's in now. Heretochat you said it... he really wont know what hit him. I was the best thing that happened to him, but he made a total f*ck up of it all.

Now that I've seen some responses I dont even think I can stomach a break. What's the point in dragging this on

I know he's going to make it really hard for me to end it completely. He told me this before. If only he had put some energy into us rather than all his other "priorities"

Ugh, cannot believe I will be the one left with the heartbreak...

ManOfMystery

I've never considered a break to be a worthwhile exercise at all.

A break is effectively ending your relationship temporarily, or putting it on hold. Which to me is ineffective if you know you're going to get back together. It's also ineffective at making you see how you feel without each other as people generally do it when they're angry or there's major drama going on in their relationship, which just blurs everything anyhow.

It sounds like he takes you totally for granted. There's plenty of guys out there who wouldn't. As you've raised the issue with him many times in the past and it hasn't gotten you anywhere, don't waste your time any more.

OP back again...

OP back again... wrote: »

Thank you Bluewolf. You are 100% spot on.

I just wish I hadn't been such a mug but I am so laid back at times and I guess I was clinging onto this joke of a relationship
I'm the one who's so hurt now, trying to keep it together in work and everything but I just feel like such an idiot. I fell for someone who couldn't give a toss about me quite obviously.

I wish I had have done all of the above, because I doubt I would be in this position now.

I dont even think he fully comprehends the position he's in now. Heretochat you said it... he really wont know what hit him. I was the best thing that happened to him, but he made a total f*ck up of it all.

Now that I've seen some responses I dont even think I can stomach a break. What's the point in dragging this on

I know he's going to make it really hard for me to end it completely. He told me this before. If only he had put some energy into us rather than all his other "priorities"

Ugh, cannot believe I will be the one left with the heartbreak...

Oh listen, I didn't mean to make you feel like an idiot. Please remember I'm an outsider who has not been in a relationship with this guy, and it's easy for me to give this advice because I'm not involved. I do feel it is very disrespectful of him, but that doesn't make you stupid. We adapt to a lot of things, and a lot of things become "normal" for us surprisingly quickly.
I just meant, if you do take your space and try again, those are approaches you could take to nip things in the bud. If things still don't change, then you have your message loud and clear. It's just up to you if you have the energy to try it and I'm not sure I would.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Oh listen, I didn't mean to make you feel like an idiot. Please remember I'm an outsider who has not been in a relationship with this guy, and it's easy for me to give this advice because I'm not involved. I do feel it is very disrespectful of him, but that doesn't make you stupid. We adapt to a lot of things, and a lot of things become "normal" for us surprisingly quickly.
I just meant, if you do take your space and try again, those are approaches you could take to nip things in the bud. If things still don't change, then you have your message loud and clear. It's just up to you if you have the energy to try it.

I have to really thank you and everyone for the responses - I am a lost lamb in my own mind at the moment. I know you didnt mean I am an idiot but I know you are right in what you are saying, I just meant that - I knew all of this for the last year and I just kept ignoring it, being in denial and putting on a fake smile as if all of it would magically change

Seriously, why do we do these things to ourselves! I knew quite well that things werent good but I still kept going. I do think I'm a bit of a wimp but I have had to have some serious strength to even get to where I am now with the chat I had with him last night.

I will see if I get a phonecall tonight, I just feel so angry with him, he truly has broken my heart and is oblivious to it which annoys me more.

@ caramay, no, thankfully that was the only Christmas dinner he ruined for me may be the last time aswell.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond, I'm a bit of a mess at the moment so your words have helped me a lot. Thank you all.

CaraMay

Op you just need to keep asking yourself whether you would be happy if your best girlfriend were in the same relationship?

Of course he will try to talk you round - it suits him as very few people would put up with his bs for this long.

MugMugs

Sometimes the things you hate about somebody are the things that you miss when they're gone.

In this case however it sounds like your ex needs to be an ex. Maybe he can change but he needs to prove to you that he can and earn your trust again. But frankly it doesn't sound like you have the energy left to go down that road.

heretochat

Op here again - thank you all wrote: »

I will see if I get a phonecall tonight, I just feel so angry with him, he truly has broken my heart and is oblivious to it which annoys me more.

QUOTE]

This sounds like you are prepared to entertain the idea of taking this guy back on. I am sure he has acted all upset on the phone and is pleading and saying he will change..

My opinion - he won't and if you take him back he will only get worse.

Look after yourself and prioiritise your own happiness

December2012

You could spend your time wondering when will he start to take you seriously.

Or, you could take yourself seriously - if you're standard minimum is somebody who doesn't mess up your plans, doesn't stand you up, doesn't invite a security blanket on dates (and in my opinion that should be basics!) then do not consider going out with any person who cannot or will not do this.

To me, it sounds like he is not bothered enough by what you have said. He ignored you when you said it bothered him and he made little effort to change.

Stay broken up.

Stavro Mueller

I can't help but think that this guy has never been interested enough. Added to that he sounds like he's equipped with the emotional intelligence of a gnat. The mind boggles at some of his behaviour towards you. They say past behaviour is generally a good predictor of future behaviour. Do you really think that your boyfriend can change this pattern of behaviour? Honestly?

He is late for EVERYTHING. ...
It is annoying though because we book hotel nights to get away and by the time he's ready etc. it could be 10pm, so we've wasted a whole day we could have been in a hotel that is paid for. He knows this p*sses me off but still, continues to be late.

There's not being on time and then there's taking the mick. This firmly falls into the latter. It also shows a lack of enthusiasm to me. I mean what normal bloke wouldn't be looking forward to going away with his girlfriend? Especially if they don't live together?

Out of curiosity, do you know of any times when he has let his brother down as badly as this if they've planned things?

He spends so much of his time with his brother (whom he lives with and goes to college with) and I get really annoyed that when I come to the house, the younger brother is there like a third wheel and I just feel like I never get alone time with him. There's times when we wouldnt have seen each other for a week and we'll organise going to town for pints/lunch or whatever (probably running late aswell) and I'll hear him invite the brother?? I said to him on the phone last night that I am not going to be in a threeway relationship with him and his brother. I know this is only one example but it happens a lot.

If the guy had an ounce of cop on and/or enthusiasm for this relationship he'd be trying to find excuses to have alone time with his girlfriend. He wouldn't need to be asked to leave the brother at home.

The one thing that hurt the most, I was making Christmas dinner for the first time ever last month, big deal for me as I've never cooked a dinner like that and we had the house to ourselves (my parents were away) so i was all excited about having a few drinks, eating dinner and chilling out. So on the day - his phone is off, couldn't get through to him, so I rang his mam and she said he was still in bed (this was 3pm) so she said she would get him up. I was really really angry because I had planned this from back in October - he knew very very well what plans I had and he chose to sleep in bed until 3pm. He rang me and again said sorry, which at this stage in the game has no meaning to me anymore he has said it that many times. He told me to stick the din on and he would be up in 45 mins. In the end, he was late again and the dinner was going cold. I was so so disappointed because it was such a big deal to me and he just didnt even notice.

When you mentioned this to him, was he enthusiastic? On Christmas Eve(?) did he say what time he'd be down to the house?
This encapsulates everything that's wrong with this relationship. He didn't care enough to show up on time and when he did, it was too late. I bet he still doesn't *get* why you're so upset over this.

I can't help but think he likes the idea of having a girlfriend more than practice of having one. If I'm wrong and he's just seriously dim, do you really want that either? To be honest I can't see this going anywhere. At best this guy may change his ways in the short term but once complacency sets in I can't see this going anywhere but downhill. I know you love this guy and you're heartbroken. Is it worth putting yourself through months/years more heartbreak by staying with him?

galwaytown

I need help to deal with this wrote: »

Hi all

With my OH 3 years (I'm female and we are both in our mid 20's)

I've just told him last night that I needed a break

I'm finding this so hard. I am a seriously considerate and compassionate person, I give my all to this man and for the last year I just don't see the point anymore. We have a lot of good times but the bad times seem to creep into my mind more.

I give 100% in this relationship, always helping him when I can and now these days I feel like a complete mug. He makes a half arsed effort and is genuinely perplexed at me when I mention that his lack of effort actually hurts me.

I've had a couple of in dept chats with him now over it all and I still don't think it's hitting home yet. I think he may have gotten too comfy with me just taking all of this (I'm quite laidback) and now the **** has hit the fan. I had a bit of a meltdown this weekend and finally I answered his call last night, I basically explained to him that I cannot be just a second thought to him anymore when I put so much effort in for him. I told him I need a little while to think things over and to decide if I want to continue in this relationship.

Needless to say he is trying to talk me around etc. But I stood firm and said that at the moment, I see no future with us because of how he acts. That I cant keep being hurt all the time, and at the moment, all I feel for him is resentment. I spoke about how I was out at the weekend, saw an old friend and when they asked me if we were still together - it was like a robotic/mechanical answer from me. I felt nothing inside when I answered yes. This has happened a few times when I see old friends.

We had a bit of chat etc. and he seemed to think all was ok, but when we were saying goodbye I again said to him that I need some time to think because I don't know if this is for me anymore.

He sounds devastated on the phone but I honestly do not even care. He has just let me down so many times and disappointed me that I don't think it's even possible to reverse it! I have those feelings festering inside, and he goes and lets me down time and time again.

These are minor things I'm talking about but still, after 3 years I am worn down so much and I warned him this would happen if he didn't pull the finger out.

He's been texting me this morning, misses me etc. saying he wants me to be happy and maybe he doesn't deserve me. That he's to blame for me being miserable. He told me to take all the time I need. I know he doesn't mean any of the things he does in a malicious way, but I'm trying to make him see that if he seriously cared about me and loved me, he wouldn't be treating me like that!

Is this a waste of my time?

I do love him - but I think after all that's happened I cant fully love him the way I did at the start unless he does a complete u-turn which I don't think is really possible.

Can anyone tell me if they have had luck with a so called break? Or am I just prolonging the inevitable?

Really & truly heartbroken.

Breaks are just away of prolonging the inevitable,if a person isn't feeling the love then it's time to call it a day as difficult as it is,and believe me,I've being there and know those feelings of sadness only too well.It gets easier in time

ted1

OP,

Honestly I don't believe they work. Its a blokes market out there there's way more single girls out there. I have seen several of my friends have a break where the guy quickly moved on and was snapped up. A guy in his mid 20s has a target market of late 19-35.

Games don't work either get back or let him go.

LegacyUser

If you decide to give him another chance I would say to him I will meet you at 8.00 in x.
I would also tell him if he is late or turns up with his brother your relationship is over.

When you meet him I would say the following to him
a) I am not going to put up with you being late for our dates or when have plans made.
b) I don't want your bother coming with us on our dates and tell him that in his mid 20's he should know this.
c) I would also tell him that if you arrange to meet him in his house that you want time on your own. Tell him that you are not going over to keep him and his brother company.

I would let him know that this is his last chance with you. Tell him if he is late for one more date or for other plans you have made your relationship will be over.
I would also let him know that if his brother arrives with him on a date - he will be on a date with this brother as you won't stay with the pair of them.

Your boyfriend is in his mid 20's he should know that you turn up for dates on time, family members are not part of your date and if his brother does not have the cop on to leave you alone he should tell him to get lost when you call over to visit him.

LegacyUser

Again, everyone thank you.

I appreciate the advice from all, sometimes advice from strangers is more helpful than family members/friends.

Lady 213 - that's exactly what I'm doing tonight

We had another hour long conversation last night, I had been in bits all day and last night because I am finding it really hard to face up to the facts and just admit defeat. I told him same on the phone and said that I have to end it for my own sanity and personal wellbeing. Obviously he is freaking out (always the way eh?) telling me to calm down and to please just take a few more days to decide. I said I didnt think this break was even going to help. Am I supposed to magically feel different after a week, 2 weeks? Nope. So in the end he asked me if we could go to town for a chat and tea tonight (without the brother waheey!) and I agreed.

I dont agree with ultimatums as I dont think they usually end well, but basically what you suggested above Lady 213 - that's how I'm going to lay it all out. This is the last ever chance he is going to get from me and one f*ck up and that's it. I walk away.

I will let you all know how I get on later.

CaraMay

Op I personally think you are being too amenable. You haven't taken the time you need to think.

When you do go back with him you need to stand over your statements re being late etc because given you have come back to him so easily this time he probably won't take you seriously.

Hope I'm wrong but....

Good luck

ivytwine

bluewolf wrote: »

Honestly OP I would regard that lateness as you and your time not being any kind of priority in his life and he simply isn't arsed. There's no excuse for it.
If things hadn't gotten this bad already, I'd take the approach of treating myself to the hotel night away on my own if he's not ready in time and leaving without him. If I went down and he was inviting third wheels all the time I'd turn around and go back home and tell him I'll come back when he is ready to spend some actual quality time together. Late for a dinner you cook, leave his half to go cold and you eat your bit and tell him he can make his own dinner if he shows up.
But the whole thing is utterly disrespectful, sounds like he couldn't care less about you, your time, your effort, and I'm not sure crying promises would change that. And it sounds like you've had the life drained out of you already. Sure, maybe give it a go after the break, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

+1

I know this sounds hurtful, but is it just you he's late for? If he is in the habit of not leaving for breaks until 10pm (which boggles the mind, I'm not the most punctual myself, but having had a bad experience a number of years ago where my disorganisation resulted in me missing a flight, I've gone to the other extreme with travel) how can he hold down a job?

Or is a case, as I suspect:

He's on time for work.
If the brother or a mate texted him 'pints for the match/other event at 3' he'd been there at half 2?
If he had a job interview or a doctor's appointment he'd make it?

It seems to me this guy has cast you in a role of nagging mother almost. No wonder you're exhausted. He doesn't respect you or your relationship.

LegacyUser

ivytwine wrote: »

+1

I know this sounds hurtful, but is it just you he's late for? If he is in the habit of not leaving for breaks until 10pm (which boggles the mind, I'm not the most punctual myself, but having had a bad experience a number of years ago where my disorganisation resulted in me missing a flight, I've gone to the other extreme with travel) how can he hold down a job?

Or is a case, as I suspect:

He's on time for work.
If the brother or a mate texted him 'pints for the match/other event at 3' he'd been there at half 2?
If he had a job interview or a doctor's appointment he'd make it?

It seems to me this guy has cast you in a role of nagging mother almost. No wonder you're exhausted. He doesn't respect you or your relationship.

Being completely honest, he is late for everyone and everything. He missed a really important college exam because of his lateness. His WHOLE family are the exact same, his mam books family dinners and we are always late for them. It is the strangest thing because my family are the exact opposite. Everyone is different I suppose but it seems that is how he was raised, doesnt excuse the fact that he has the ability to change that!

He went un-diagnosed for years with ADHD (only diagnosed when he was 19) and I can definitely see how it affects him - I am 100% not justifying his actions because I dont believe for one second that ADHD can cause all that. I think he uses it as an excuse to get away with things sometimes to be honest.

But I have to be truthful here, he really has a terrible attention span, and he cannot focus on simple tasks. But he doesnt like taking the medication because it makes him depressed. Cant win!
As I said I'm not justifying his actions (or lack of) but I can see firsthand how he is a complete scatter brain. But in my opinion he can and should change for himself!


I want to add that I agree - he doesnt respect me. Which he will be getting grilled about later.

beks101

Just to play devil's advocate a little...

OP back again wrote: »

He is late for EVERYTHING. Every single plan we make is always almost ruined because he is just never on time. This is how his family is so i think its a dynamic that he has and doesnt see any problem with it. Me on the other hand am always, always on time, I've never been late for work in 5 years, its' just how I am.

Punctual people never understand late people. You get the "disrespectful", "no regard for my time", "rude and inconsiderate", "if he cared he'd be on time" yadda yadda.

Now, all of that may be true, but for someone who has been perpetually late their entire life, and has learned this behaviour from their own family, it's a deeply ingrained habit akin to an addiction and deathly hard to shake (I say this as a former "late-ee" !!)

The fact is that chronic lateness has got so many psychological and cognitive components that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you, the victim of this annoying habit, that there's really no point in taking it personally.

Some researchers have even linked it to certain personality traits - anxiety, low self control, a tendency towards thrill seeking - some even link it to diagnosable conditions like the ADHD your boyfriend has.

I'm not at all making excuses for your boyfriend - yes, he can and should change; and no, you shouldn't have to accept it - but speaking as someone who's been on the other side - I can tell you it's not personal or necessarily reflective of his feelings for you.

It's just a major point of incompatibility between the two of you.

OP back again wrote: »

He spends so much of his time with his brother (whom he lives with and goes to college with) and I get really annoyed that when I come to the house, the younger brother is there like a third wheel and I just feel like I never get alone time with him. There's times when we wouldnt have seen each other for a week and we'll organise going to town for pints/lunch or whatever (probably running late aswell) and I'll hear him invite the brother?? I said to him on the phone last night that I am not going to be in a threeway relationship with him and his brother. I know this is only one example but it happens a lot.

Have you told him all of this?

I mean, not just recently after years of letting it fester - have you pulled your boyfriend up on it after another date where the brother rocked up, or third wheeled it beside you two at the house, or whatever.

Because - yes, it's inconsiderate and a bit selfish of your boyfriend - but if it's not something you ever made an issue of before, perhaps he never thought it was something you had an issue with. Perhaps his brother is just so much a part of the furniture in his life, that he doesn't think twice about inviting him along when he's leaving the house etc.

Clueless and all as that is.

OP back again wrote: »

The one thing that hurt the most, I was making Christmas dinner for the first time ever last month, big deal for me as I've never cooked a dinner like that and we had the house to ourselves (my parents were away) so i was all excited about having a few drinks, eating dinner and chilling out. So on the day - his phone is off, couldn't get through to him, so I rang his mam and she said he was still in bed (this was 3pm) so she said she would get him up.

Sleeping til 3pm doesn't seem normal to me. Was he out the night before?

The lateness, the sleeping in til 3pm - could be symptomatic of something else. It sounds to me like there may be an underlying depression there, or perhaps a culmination of his unmedicated ADHD.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but I know for me, that sort of perceived "tardiness" (excessive sleeping, chronic lateness) WAS symptomatic of a less than perfect mental health which those behaviours then perpetuated.
To others, it's perceived as being a complete scatterbrain, "not having your sh1t together" etc - but really it's so much more.

Just some food for thought.

The fact is you have your own mental health to think about, and these behaviours seem to be really taking their toll on you. And they're not easily fixed either.

All you can do is what you're already doing - pull them up with him as unacceptable dealbreakers and hope that walking away will motivate him to change.

I guess my main point was just to say that I don't think your boyfriend is the villain that some would make him out to be. I don't think it's the case that he doesn't love you or respect you.

I think it could be to do with his own self respect and these habits that have developed over a lifetime.

Best of luck with it all. And don't feel guilty in walking away. Relationships need to be give and take and it sounds like you've done all you can.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

Just to play devil's advocate a little...



Punctual people never understand late people. You get the "disrespectful", "no regard for my time", "rude and inconsiderate", "if he cared he'd be on time" yadda yadda.

Now, all of that may be true, but for someone who has been perpetually late their entire life, and has learned this behaviour from their own family, it's a deeply ingrained habit akin to an addiction and deathly hard to shake (I say this as a former "late-ee" !!)

The fact is that chronic lateness has got so many psychological and cognitive components that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you, the victim of this annoying habit, that there's really no point in taking it personally.

Some researchers have even linked it to certain personality traits - anxiety, low self control, a tendency towards thrill seeking - some even link it to diagnosable conditions like the ADHD your boyfriend has.

I'm not at all making excuses for your boyfriend - yes, he can and should change; and no, you shouldn't have to accept it - but speaking as someone who's been on the other side - I can tell you it's not personal or necessarily reflective of his feelings for you.

It's just a major point of incompatibility between the two of you.



Have you told him all of this?

I mean, not just recently after years of letting it fester - have you pulled your boyfriend up on it after another date where the brother rocked up, or third wheeled it beside you two at the house, or whatever.

Because - yes, it's inconsiderate and a bit selfish of your boyfriend - but if it's not something you ever made an issue of before, perhaps he never thought it was something you had an issue with. Perhaps his brother is just so much a part of the furniture in his life, that he doesn't think twice about inviting him along when he's leaving the house etc.

Clueless and all as that is.



Sleeping til 3pm doesn't seem normal to me. Was he out the night before?

The lateness, the sleeping in til 3pm - could be symptomatic of something else. It sounds to me like there may be an underlying depression there, or perhaps a culmination of his unmedicated ADHD.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but I know for me, that sort of perceived "tardiness" (excessive sleeping, chronic lateness) WAS symptomatic of a less than perfect mental health which those behaviours then perpetuated.
To others, it's perceived as being a complete scatterbrain, "not having your sh1t together" etc - but really it's so much more.

Just some food for thought.

The fact is you have your own mental health to think about, and these behaviours seem to be really taking their toll on you. And they're not easily fixed either.

All you can do is what you're already doing - pull them up with him as unacceptable dealbreakers and hope that walking away will motivate him to change.

I guess my main point was just to say that I don't think your boyfriend is the villain that some would make him out to be. I don't think it's the case that he doesn't love you or respect you.

I think it could be to do with his own self respect and these habits that have developed over a lifetime.

Best of luck with it all. And don't feel guilty in walking away. Relationships need to be give and take and it sounds like you've done all you can.

Cheers Beks101 for your response.

I do feel that he isnt doing it to be malicious, he is just a bit lazy, doesnt think about the fact that he may have things to do - he is really scatty in general. I have pulled him up on it so many times and I think that's why I'm having a meltdown - is this how it's going to be forever? Cos I know I would absolutely crack up! He has said to me before, he wishes we lived together because he knows I would run a tight ship regarding time etc. but he shouldnt bloody need me to do that!! I'm not his feckin Mother!

I have said it to him about the brother situation a lot. And he was a bit upset because honestly, they are best friends, always have been so you're right it is like he is part of the furniture. He loves his brother that much and he doesnt have the heart to tell him to make himself scarce. His brother is a selfish spoiled brat so he can go into major huffs and I know my bf tries to avoid that - but at my expense? I'll be touching on that subject later also! I'm not a big fan of his bro to be outstraight. He gets on my wick, probably because he's a few years younger and just goes on like a child. And my bf does the same when they are together so I feel like I'm babysitting...

He was out drinking with his friends til very late on Christmas night. But I specifically said to him "dont stay out all night, remember I'm making din tomorrow" and it was all promises that he wouldnt. Then I was reeeeeally p*ssed when he went and did it anyway. He said that he's really shocked how hurt I am by that particular occasion. He said he really didnt think I was so upset - have to spell these things out for him honestly!

I have to agree with you about the depression thing he does suffer from it quite badly at times - as do I. But the stereotypical thing (like a lot of men) about him is: he will not talk about how he feels. Like ever. It's only months later he would tell me something that bothered him. I'm kind of used to that behaviour as I have 3 older brothers and they are all the exact same.
I try to encourage him to talk to me more, he battles demons for sure but doesnt tell me. So I have no way of knowing why he does the things he does..

I know I have blasted him here. But I do genuinely stand by what I say, I really dont think he means it in a malicious way. He has issues same as us all. The whole question is: can I handle anymore of that? Can I really spend the rest of my life with all this crap?

That's what it all boils down to. I have written down a lot of points on paper which thanks to you all I was able to get things in perspective and even used some parts from your comments. So we will see how it goes later.

Thank you all and will report back

Mint Aero

"Do relationship breaks actually work?"

If by work you mean breaking your relationship then yes.

LegacyUser

I'm going to go against popular opinion here and say that honestly I think you are coming across as quite controlling, yes you feel disrespected and feel like he has let you down but I don't think he sounds that bad.

I think if you are planning on leaving him that I would thread carefully with the words you use to him, you said he's depressed and won't take about his feelings but in this thread you are saying things like you were the best thing that ever happened to him but he made a total f*ck up of it all etc. it may be how you feel but I think you will make him feel like a really bad guy as opposed to maybe just someone not willing to put the effort into a relationship. I think that if you're going to completely break up with him then just be kind with your words instead of telling him he's a total screw up who brought it on himself.

Why didn't you mention he has ADHD at the start? That is completely relevant, you said you are 100% not justifying his actions because you don't believe for one second that ADHD can cause all that.....your post didn't read AT ALL like you were trying to justify his actions so I don't know why you said that, to me it actually read like you didn't think you should make any allowances for his ADHD.

LegacyUser

ladyker wrote: »

I'm going to go against popular opinion here and say that honestly I think you are coming across as quite controlling, yes you feel disrespected and feel like he has let you down but I don't think he sounds that bad.

I think if you are planning on leaving him that I would thread carefully with the words you use to him, you said he's depressed and won't take about his feelings but in this thread you are saying things like you were the best thing that ever happened to him but he made a total f*ck up of it all etc. it may be how you feel but I think you will make him feel like a really bad guy as opposed to maybe just someone not willing to put the effort into a relationship. I think that if you're going to completely break up with him then just be kind with your words instead of telling him he's a total screw up who brought it on himself.

Why didn't you mention he has ADHD at the start? That is completely relevant, you said you are 100% not justifying his actions because you don't believe for one second that ADHD can cause all that.....your post didn't read AT ALL like you were trying to justify his actions so I don't know why you said that, to me it actually read like you didn't think you should make any allowances for his ADHD.

Nope. I'm not controlling at all. My frustration is purely from the fact that I have gone through let down after let down for the past year, after telling him what's bothering me and still, he lets me down.

I can see where you are coming from about not mentioning ADHD. But from my view, I can see him make effort with other aspects of his life no problem. So how is it not possible for him to make effort with me? That's why I dont believe ADHD can be fully blamed. I genuinely started to believe that he just wasnt truly in love with me and couldnt understand why he didnt just break up with me. (which he has assured me, is not the case at all)

I do agree with you though, he isnt the worst in the world, some women are well worse off than me, but again when you've been let down so many times, on practically a weekly basis - it really gets to you. And it got to me hence why I had such a meltdown this week. All these feelings were festering for so long that I suppose I broke down and it was crunch time to decide if I can go through anymore. There really is only so much hurt one person can take.

I met with him last night, and I just calmly laid it all out. I didnt give him grief, I was just saying how I had felt etc. This is the last opportunity to make a go of things again. He was silent through most of it and after, he said he truly didnt realise how much these things were bothering me (even though I have told him in the past) I think it never fully hit home with him. He now knows that this is really it for me. So it's up to him now. I feel a lot better about it all, as now I know where I stand. So I can just walk if things go wrong. No pleading phonecalls, nothing. I will just walk and that will be the last of it.

It was strange, after the chat, I honestly felt like we was on a first date, nerves, butterflies in my stomach. I havent felt that in a while. We were all awkward with each other (in a good way) so I am just going to take one day at a time. At the end of it all, if it doesnt work out - then we are just not meant to be.


Cheers to everyone for the input.

I guess I have my answer though - breaks dont work, you either break up, or continue. Thanks to all for helping me through this week.

LegacyUser

I meant to say Mods - you can close this thread. I got all the help I need and hopefully I wont have to come back again with bad news

Cheers!