Funny car related quotations

BigEejit

Just read this one somewhere else:
"Understeer is when you hit the wall with the front of the car and oversteer is when you hit the wall with the rear of the car. Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall, torque is how far you take the wall with you"

I also found these ones from Clarkson:
“No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.”

"Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze."


Any other good ones?

jimgoose

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

-- Scott Adams


Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

-- Francoise Sagan


If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

-- Jeremy Clarkson, referring to the BMW X3


Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

-- Jeremy Clarkson

Red Kev

Telling the truth...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3JWFEK5q88

irish_goat

"Sure the roads are that dangerous the quicker you get off them the better".

Red Kev

Back in the early 90's around the time of the British F1 GP, the police stopped a Honda NSX on the M25 for excessive speeding. Irate cop gets out of car, goes to driver and says......

Police: "Who the hell do you think you are driving at that speed ? Ayrton bloody Senna?"

Driver: "Actually I am Ayrton Senna."

(Yes it really was him). :pac:

MetzgerMeister

If it's got tits or tyres, it's gonna be trouble

Red Kev

All you'll ever need to fix something is a hammer and Duct Tape.

If it moves and it shouldn't: use Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and it should: use a hammer.

dr.fuzzenstein

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

http://clarksonisms.com/popular/jeremy-clarkson-quotes

jimgoose

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

It's pouring down with rain because not enough people have Range Rovers.

-- Jeremy Clarkson

MetzgerMeister

A bit OT but no matter how much you hate Jeremy Clarkson, you have to admit that he does come up with some excellent lines!

mitosis

Red Kev wrote: »

Back in the early 90's around the time of the British F1 GP, the police stopped a Honda NSX on the M25 for excessive speeding. Irate cop gets out of car, goes to driver and says......

Police: "Who the hell do you think you are driving at that speed ? Nigel bloody Mansell?"

Driver: "Actually I am Ayrton Senna."

(Yes it really was him). :pac:

I think this is the correct story

mitosis

Ettore Bugatti

According to legend when one of his customers complained about the brakes he was said to have replied, "I make my cars to go, not to stop."

jimgoose

mitosis wrote: »

Ettore Bugatti

According to legend when one of his customers complained about the brakes he was said to have replied, "I make my cars to go, not to stop."

"Mr. Bentley builds the worlds' fastest trucks." was delivered by the same fella. Great stuff!

jimgoose

I finished off my Mille Miglia I]Italian road endurance-race from the old days[/I in an inn, which I entered by driving through a wall.

At the plant we had brainstormed the problem from every possible point of view. But finally we had to admit that it was impossible to house that devilish device known as a catalytic converter and the bag of other required American gadgets in the limited space under the Miura’s hood which was just large enough to hold the carburettors and their filters.

I still miss the Miura. No one has ever equalled it.

-- Ferrucio Lamborghini

corkgsxr

At least its not offensively ugly. Ya know like a kia rio.

sogood

Money can't buy you love, but at least you can drive around in comfort looking for it. And one of my own, in that, whenever a car gives trouble, I tend to refer to it as the "infernal combustion".

corktina

mitosis wrote: »

I think this is the correct story

Stirling Moss actually but then I'm ancient...there was even a TV advert using that quip back in the day

dr.fuzzenstein

Money can't buy you happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bike.

Dunno by who, just going around at the moment.

pippip

Clarkson in the Sunday Times last week describing the latest BMW 530 diesel

"the engine is as refined and as discreet as the butler service in a top-class Hong Kong Hotel, the comfort is otherworldly and the interior is like the centre spread of Kevin McCloud's head."

dr.fuzzenstein

pippip wrote: »

Clarkson in the Sunday Times last week describing the latest BMW 530 diesel

"the engine is as refined and as discreet as the butler service in a top-class Hong Kong Hotel, the comfort is otherworldly and the interior is like the centre spread of Kevin McCloud's head."

Clarkson had something good to say about a diesel?
That's end of the world stuff, volcanoes, rivers of blood, Nazis riding around on dinosaurs, I'm building a bunker and never coming back out again!

Car related quote:
Sure, he's like a pig looking into a Honda!

jimgoose

You are an apocalyptic dingleberry.

-- Mr. James May, addressing Mr. Clarkson.