I am worried about myself.

LegacyUser

Hi There.

I am a bit concerned about myself and I need a bit of third party input on how to deal with this.

I recently split with a girl that I was crazy about. Very strange break up but the fact is that as much as I want her, she does not want me. I understand this and I genuinely do accept it or at least I am trying to.

I did my best to win her back but when it all came down to it, she just doesn't want me and as much as that hurt, I accept it.

We left things last week a bit strange. I sent her a letter, we had a phone call and it ended well but with her firmly telling me that she was no longer interested. I got a bit drunk later that night and through text challenged her on it again. (nothing bad) And that was the last time that I heard from her.

I am a pretty relaxed individual however, I've found myself effectively becoming quite obsessive over elements of this girl and what not.

Examples are, I'll check WhatsApp to see when she was last on because when she has been on I more or less know her movements.

When I feel the panic and despair of the break up building up inside me, if I take a moment to look at a photo of her, it calms me instantly.

I've found myself doing things and going places where I think I may meet her or she may see me and think about me and potentially even call me.

I am not a freak or off my rocker. Like I said, I am a relatively relaxed and calm person but this is worrying me. This isn't right and in my view is bordering on stalker which I am most certainly not.

I love this girl but I also know in my head that it is done. I just don't believe my heart knows this yet.

I've tried anchor points for when I do start thinking about her to stop myself doing it and to change my subconcious feelings of her and whilst it worked originally, it isn't any more. I am keeping myself very busy. So much so that I have had to just say "no" to plans I had today from sheer exhaustion and a need for "me" time.

But I just can't shake this feeling that if I am going somewhere or doing something that I should go to a certain place or venue to do it for the chance that I may run into her.

What's wrong with me ? Am I raving mad ? Can anybody please help me get around this pretty significant corner that I am trying to navigate because frankly, it's consuming me from the inside out.

Thanks for your time.

ennis81

Don't be too hard on yourself, break ups are hard especially in your kind of situation, I know it sounds like a cliche but time is a wonderful healer, at least she has been honest with you and didn't cowardly lead you on. You are grieving at the moment for something you have lost, try and stop looking at photos etc.. you will drive yourself crazy. You have to accept things the way they are even though it is hard, At some point we have all been where you are and it sucks but you will get through it, keep busy, see friends and take care of yourself, things will get better ;-)

Matteroffact

What you are going through is the feeling of rejection. It is a horrible feeling to think that someone you thought the world of doesn't feel the same about you. The thing now is that you cannot let this feeling of rejection by one person govern your whole life. There are lots of other women out there who would think the world of you and appreciate you, so don't be too hard on yourself. You are wonderful, sincere and there are girls out there who would give their eye teeth to be with you, so sit back now and appreciate yourself, feel good about yourself as this is the starting point to your recovery. Nobody likes to think that someone else is tired of us, but that's life, you cannot win them all but there are equally as nice girls out there dying to meet you. Getting yourself a new social life can be daunting but that is what you have to do, so the sooner you can bring yourself to do this the better things will be. It is the dumping out of your comfort zone that is the hardest to deal with. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

LegacyUser

Part of moving on is that you have to cut the person off.

In this case, you need to turn technology off.

Things like social media (i.e. facebook) and messaging apps are terrible ways of keeping yourself attached and stopping yourself from moving on.

I looked up a significant girlfriend for over a decade ago last year. Worst thing I ever did. The relationship didn't work. We were at different life stages. She broke up with me in a not nice way but that's life. Her whole life was there, explained before me though. Was a little taken back to be honest. We certainly went different paths. To be honest I felt disappointed and a little sorry for her. A part of you still cares for the person.

By looking her up I felt somewhat like I was still connected. Almost like 10 years hadn't passed. The many things I have done over the last decade compressed. The other girlfriends disappeared in my mind. I've been with my now wife a long time now and have an amazing life. However we were dealing with some difficult stuff (not out relationship) and this made it more difficult for me. I couldn't even be open about this for obvious reasons.

Moral. Cut off all technology (low and high tech) to do with the person. Get rid of pictures (put them in your mother's or something). Make space for other things in your mind. You can't move on otherwise.

Move on with your life. Yes it takes time for the pain to go away.

Legs.Eleven

You're grand, OP. Sounds like typical breakup behaviour. You're not actually following her, so no, you're not stalking her. Breaking up with someone is like weening yourself of a drug and sometimes you might do things you wouldn't normally do. I know after an ex ended it with me years ago, I was always hoping to bump into him out and about, listened to sad music, thought about him all the time, obsessed over every little bit of communication we had etc. It took about 5 months to completely sink in that it was over.


Go easy on yourself. Unless you're actively following the girl, you're not doing anything wrong. Relax.

Merkin

ImConcerned wrote: »

Examples are, I'll check WhatsApp to see when she was last on because when she has been on I more or less know her movements.

This isn't helpful to your recovery in any way. I'd totally remove and block her from Whats App and any other online accounts where you are liable to snoop. It's like going on a diet and then continuously sabotaging it for yourself by popping into a cake shop on the way home. By surreptitiously checking up on her and her movements you are actually not doing yourself any favours and are just continuously reinforcing her absence. Go cold turkey, remove all traces of her existence from social networks etc and get on with things. The sooner you sever all ties the sooner you will be able to get back to normal.

alias06

There are two key parts to moving on:
1) Cut all contact; and
2) Start meeting other people.

Go on online dating. Go to as many social events as you can where you can meet new people.

I know it is the hardest thing to get over someone but if you do those two things it will be easier.

The other thing I would add is the dealing with a break up is a lot like dealing with grief. The closer you have been to the person the harder it is. Allocate a time each day (maybe half an hour or an hour) to be with your grief and allow yourself to feel sad for the loss of that person. This will make it easier rather than obsessing and feeling down about it all the time.

ladiesman216

I'm in a very similar situation myself, it's horrible. I feel like an obsessed physco! It's very difficult accepting the rejection. Be grateful that at least you know exactly where you stand with her. I never got a definitive 'no' just got strung along until I figured it out myself!

The things that help me most are excersise and friends. Try not to spend extended times on your own.
I've decided that I am going to avoid women for the whole of 2014 (by choice this time!!) and focus on achieving a couple of personal goals this year.

For example I have certain goals I want to achieve in the gym, I will do some voluntary work, I am going to re-learn the piano after about 15 years and so...
I wrote these down on New Year's Day and any time in feeling down about 'her' I re-read them and assess what I need to do that week to get closer to them.

Best of luck. Hope things work out for you Op.

beks101

I think it's normal to go a little bit crazy in the early stages of a break-up.

I'm a perfectly sane, rational, intelligent individual, takes a lot to rile me, and some of my behaviours during my last break-up were bonkers, to put it mildly. Blocking and unblocking the guy on facebook repeatedly, checking what he had "liked", agonizing over new pictures with new people, strategizing to "bump" into him just so he could ruin my day.

It's hard, and maddening, and a little bit soul destroying especially to be the "dumpee" and it will wreak havoc on your mind for a little while. Part of getting passed that is just accepting it for what it is. A sort of "detox" from someone you were crazy about and had already planned into your future - of course it will drive you mad.

As others have said, social media is the devil as far as break ups are concerned. If you continue to check Whatsapp and facebook/twitter/instagram/viber/whatever, you'll prolong the pain by twofold. Block her from all of these and give yourself a chance, it's the kind thing to do to yourself. The less time you spend online the better over the coming weeks - have you any other hobbies you can focus more intently on? Running, gym, football, music, etc? Something that will lift your spirits and keep the obsessive thoughts at bay.

How quick this stage passes depends on how proactive you are in keeping yourself occupied and keeping yourself away from all reminders of her.

It's funny though, once the cloud lifts you gain this enormous perspective on how wrong for you that person was and what warning signs you overlooked during the relationship - they begin to descend from the pedestal you've put them on and you see how much better off you are.

I now look at pictures of my most recent ex and don't even flinch, except to think "God, mad how crazy I was for him. I wonder what I saw in him?"