A lot of guys?

LegacyUser

GF and I got talking as you do and the subject of how many people you slept with came up....

I told her my number which was 8 and half of them in a relationship.

She told me hers which was 20+

This shocked me a little as we met when she was 19 (we are going out bout 2 years and I am 5 years older), is it just me or is that a lot of guys to go through in your teens!

Now I'm no prude and I believe girls should be allowed to have just as much fun as guys but this sort of sickened me a little...

Her attitude is was she was not proud of it but shamed by it either, she was concerned what I thought but didn't regret it

I have this niggling and funny feeling in my stomach over it, I want it to go away but it wont, its bugging me

I love my gf and I am more ranting anonymously hoping to make myself stop obsessing over this, why is this bothering me so much and somebody tell me something to make me feel better! I am in no way a jealous person and not uptight but I feel like a disapproving old fart

I want this to stop bothering, been nearly a week.

Heyitsalexee

It's a problem because your making it a problem really...
People lie about this all the time.... so lucky yours is telling you the truth .. I can't help but think if you knew this before ...
she wouldn't be your girlfriend.. which is why you may have that feeling...

But seriously.. we all do things we aren't proud of... and some people have higher sexual levels than other.. my number is ridiculous and im only 22...(I'd always use protection & trust my better judgement & completely clean) but meh.. im not who i use to be.. and I'm always truthful .. hey if you worried she may have an STI just go get a full test with her. lol

but I think your thinking to much into it.. and like i said your making it a problem...
IF anything you can also talk to her about it.

and everyone is different.. I'm the type of person that doesn't care much about that stuff.. so long it only me NOW.. were as my best friend after a certain number... he doesn't want anything to do with you lol...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I think what you need to bare in mind is that your girlfriends past is her past. As already said, you're just making a problem out of it.
I'm 19 too, and my number is nearly as high. I'm not even ashamed of it. I have a high sex drive and, until recently, didn't have the capacity or the ability to trust anyone enough to get attached. I've never had that discussion with my boyfriend but I wouldn't withhold or apologize for it. It happened before I starting going out with him and, to be quite frank, wasn't any of his business. Same way as it's not really any of your business what she did before she started dating you, as long as she stayed safe. Why would she regret it?
Has this changed the way you see her at all? Why is it bothering you enough to need to post it?

flutterbye_99

I would agree that everyone has a past. Maybe you are just shocked that she has had a lot of partners outside of relationships. A more important thing to consider would be if they had cheated on a past partner.

LegacyUser

I love my gf and I am more ranting anonymously hoping to make myself stop obsessing over this, why is this bothering me so much and somebody tell me something to make me feel better! I am in no way a jealous person and not uptight but I feel like a disapproving old fart

OP at a guess, perhaps the reason it bothers you so much is that you feel her 'number' is a reflection of the value she places on sex? That she doesn't see sex as 'special' an act as you do?

There is a massive difference between relationship sex and casual sex. Just because she had "lots" of casual sex when she was a teen, that doesn't mean it's even comparable to the type of sex she has with you. Casual sex is just scratching an itch. Apples and oranges. OP some people are just not as lucky as others and don't fall from relationship to relationship. As a woman who has only recently discovered the difference between casual and relationship sex, it's only now I realise how unfulfilling and empty casual sex actually is. Clearly your gf feels the same or she wouldn't be in a 2 yr relationship with you.

Penny Tration

I don't know whether the number is high or not. Plenty of my friends were at that number at that age, whereas my number is a hell of a lot lower.

I don't really understand why you have a problem though.

Sex is fun. It's that simple. It's you she's with, so obviously she is happier with you than off having meaningless sex. I'm in your position, in that I'm your age, and my number is only around half of yours, whereas my bf has slept with over 30 women. It doesn't bother me because he's clean (got sti testing done, something your gf and you should both consider), he's with me and he wants me and me alone. Same as how your girlfriend chose to be with you.

Do you have reason to believe she would cheat on you? If not, just relax and take the relationship as it is. And don't discuss previous numbers!

Stavro Mueller

This is why finding out "how many" isn't always a wise thing to do. I notice your wording: you've slept a with 8 women, 4 in relationships. So does that mean you had one night stands too? Or that if you hadn't been in relationships your number would be higher.

heretochat

I would agree with green screen as regards the sti testing. It is a high number of sexual partners and you both need to be sure..

As regards the past, my attitude is that it is just that - the past. People have different levels of sexual promiscuity that is just a fact.

I am in my mid 30s and my number would be very low as compared to hers. But that is just me.

So do not let this ruin what appears to be a good relationship.

Beruthiel

ShouldLetItGo wrote: »

I want this to stop bothering, been nearly a week.

I always say, don't ask the question if you're not ready for the answer.

I'm with my now husband nearly 15 years.
I've no idea who or how many he slept with before I arrived on the scene.
None of my business.
Also, what can be changed at this point by me knowing?

You're girlfriend is with you now, do you trust her?
If you do, then the past is irrelevant.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Firstly thanks for all the replies.

Some of the posts have me feeling a little better today and put things into perspective.

I thought a lot after reading the first two replies. Why is it bothering me so much...

I think a little naivety on my part with the number of sexual partners women have maybe...

but my gf is shy, lacks a little confidence (even though she shouldn't) and wouldn't have half the sex drive I have so I guess the number really shocked me and puzzled me, do I know her as well as I think...

my mind really has run away with itself here

I'm older, I'm more experienced in everything really, with travel work education and she likes that about me but all of a sudden I felt inexperienced... the status quo disturbed

then I thought 20+ guys is 20+ different techniques, bodies, dicks! I'm starting to turn into some insecure jealous weirdo which just isn't me. how do I rate in this, one of these guys were older than I am now.

I shouldn't of asked, I'm sorry I asked. But then you can't help yourself.

in my mind she is perfect, she is perfect, except for this because of my craziness.

I know I am being stupid, I'm not here for a solution but for a rant/chat to get it off my chest.

I cant talk to her about this. I don't want to hurt her feelings, I don't want to come across as so pathetic and insecure so that's why I'm here.

you want her to be exclusive in your head, nobody wants a virgin either but within reason. my number felt low, does that make me seem undesirable to her?

The STI thing is something already done. Both ok there. I've always practiced safe sex though and I never take anyone else's word for it.

I feel terrible because I have been a bit off with her these past few days, she has no idea why and she doesn't deserve it. I just need to get over this

thanks for listening guys

Beruthiel

AbitBetter wrote: »

then I thought 20+ guys is 20+ different techniques, bodies, dicks!

That would be 20 lads not worthy of b/f material.

how do I rate in this, one of these guys were older than I am now.

It's not her fault you have self esteem issues. You should work on those.

As for how you rate, 2+ years of her time which is more than any of those lads got.

Perspective young man.
Look at this from another angle, she met many lads, but you were the one chosen.
Does this not tell you everything you need to know?

P. Breathnach

I can empathise with your discomfort, but I am not in the camp of those who believe that you should choose not to know about her past - because her past is part of what she is now.

Concentrate on this: she is the same person that you have been involved with for the past two years, and have fallen in love with. Your knowing about her sexual history does not suddenly make her a different person.

Unless you are an idiot, you'll get over it.

rainbowtrout

AbitBetter wrote: »

I think a little naivety on my part with the number of sexual partners women have maybe...

For every man that's sleeping with a woman, there's a woman involved. It is naive to think that women don't have a number of partners. And it's also naive to put all women in the same category. Some women will sleep with a lot of people, some will sleep with few. Same as men.

Your girlfriend is with you for the past 2 years. That is really what you should be concentrating on, not what happened in her life before you met her.

Dellnum

She might have just said that number off the top of her head OP because she felt insecure that you had 8. She may not have had 20 at all. That is how I would be thinking about this. She is not going to admit now that maybe she was lying about this, so if I were you I would start to think that she was exaggerating and then just forget about it.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe your gf slept with all of those men because of her lack of confidence? I've seen it happen.

AnonMouse

Personally, I avoid the numbers conversation at all costs. I learned this from experience. It leads to jealousy, insecurity etc and no one needs extra stress in their life. Everyone has a past that can't be changed, so why bother worrying about it.

Count your blessings that she is with you now and enjoy the relationship

ElleEm

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Unless you are an idiot, you'll get over it.

This!

I made the mistake of asking my boyfriend this question when we were not long together, and instantly regretted it. I was so insecure about it, and pretty much went to the negative places you went, OP, in feeling like he had all this experience before me. In retrospect, I was being ridiculous. We both have the same "number", so the fact that I chose to dwell on his was silly. Eventually, it became less important and years on, is not something I even consider or think about. I focus on us, and our experience with each other.

There is an expression I once heard that I love...
"Don't look back because you are not going that way".

LegacyUser

When I saw this thread I just had to reply to it. Your girlfriend reminds me of myself when I was that age. I wasn't very confident at all and I'd never had a boyfriend. I've always found it hard to meet someone and have spent more of my adult life single than in relationships. When I was your girlfriend's age I had quite a few one night stands. I wouldn't say I'm ashamed of what I did but I'm not proud of it. I only slept with all those men out of desperation and my lack of self-esteem. At the time any sort of male attention was better than having to go home yet again all on my own. I'm sure I stood out like a sore thumb to the lotharios on the prowl seeking someone to go home with and I was only too happy to oblige.

I stopped having those one night stands or short-lived sex only arrangements because they didn't make me feel any happier. It was a boyfriend I wanted, not a series of random strangers in my bed. I've been single quite a lot since then but have not gone down that road again. It's in my past and not behaviour I want to indulge in again.

I hope my story will help you see your girlfriend's history from a different angle. It might not quite be her story but it would not surprise me if it's not far from the truth.

Potatoeman

I think if its an issue for you, you need to decide if its something you cant get over. Everyone has a past but if it something you cant reconcile then you need to decide if you want to stay with her. If you are together two years though I imagine you know her pretty well.

GreeBo

I had this conversation recently and even though I dont know exact numbers even talking about previous sexual partners, ONS's etc made me uneasy.
Now I clearly accept that feeling uneasy about it is worthless and silly, but you feel how you feel.

Basically I just try to ignore it now and not think about it.

After 2 years OP I would advise you to completely forget about it, its irrelevant at this stage of your relationship. You won dude, shes with you, enjoy it.

vetinari

I can understand your reaction OP.

20+ partners for anyone (male or female) at age 19 is surely high from a statistical point of view.
Or maybe a lot has changed since I was 19!

Still though it is in the past. I think with a bit of time you won't be as bothered by it.

iusedtoknow

i know my wife's number is higher than mine by a multiple of 2. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. We both lived before we met each other (at 20 ffs) and that is it. As a courtesy to each other we had a std test done to make sure there was nothing untoward, and it was never discussed again - except when I meet one of her ex's over dinner when we get back to Barcelona (ended up engaged to her best friend).

You're in shock, but you'll get over it. You are the one that was BF material, you are the one she has slept with for the last 2 years. You are the one that kept her interest high.

And as P. Breathnach said....unless you're an idiot - you'll get over it

astonaidan

Ah the numbers game. Ive learned over the years the answer is always 7 for parters, 21 or 28 for age

Tasden

Ok so you got together when she was 19, that's two years of sex before you if she began at the legal age of consent- she more than likely started earlier tbh-20 sexual partners doesn't even work out at one person a month for those two years. Some people go out every Friday and Saturday night to find someone to have a one night stand with. Not that there's any point comparing tbh, she's with you, who she was with before isn't important.

username123

If someone is single I don't see what the issue is. As pointed out, sex is fun. 20+ partners is not that high at any age IMO. What's a high number anyway? Is it ok if it's 4? Then what about 6, 8, 10? Why does it become 'bad' at higher numbers if the people involved were both having consensual sex?

If you had been offered sex 20+ times from good looking women while single would you have said no because a high number is a 'bad' thing?

It's a strange one. The numbers wouldn't bother me at all. I don't see sex through any kind of religious or moralistic eye piece, I just see it as 'good clean fun!' between two healthy and consensual partners.

I'm a lot older than you OP and I can tell you, you don't look back and regret a high number, but I do know people who have looked back and regretted a low one. The day comes for most when we get married or settled and sex just ain't as varied or frequent as it used to be. Age comes to us all.

So fair play to your gf for enjoying herself when she could.

LegacyUser

The thing about this forum that always gets me is that everyone can give such emotionless advise; "Get over it OP", "You need to change how you think" etc, all of these blunt answers which sound great but don't take into consideration how a real human being with all his flaws, emotions and characteristics would actually take bad or shocking news.

I would have had the exact same reaction as the OP. People can say what they like about "sex is fun", "if it was a man he'd be a legend" and all the other stupid comments that people say about sexual equality, but the fact is women are seen as different to men. It might not be fair, it might not even make sense, but believe me, no man wants to find out his girlfriend has had a large number of sexual partners. Men like to believe they are Marco Polo when it comes to women and sex.

Twenty is an awful lot for a 19 year old, someone previously wrote that its not too bad because thats not even one guy a month, the mind boggles. Lets be honest here, I doubt she went off with Brad Pitt level guys who she couldn't turn down.

Anyway, I would have two issues with this girl (like everyone else here besides the OP, I don't know her so please don't suggest I am anti-her, or anti-women for that matter, this is just my opinion)

1. People lie about the number of partners they have had, the cliche is that men double their number and women halve theirs. If this has any element of truth to it the number she gave is likely to be underestimated.

2. This part is much more worrying to me, you suggested that she lacks confidence. The obvious conclusion here is that while she was quiet and maybe didn't give off a sexually confident air, she does seem to be easily convinced. This is a worry in a serious long term relationship, especially when she clearly doesn't see sex as that emotionally involving.

You said you feel like a disapproving old fart, thats because you do disaprove, thats not something you should be criticised for, its a natural reaction.

I am aware that I have written a lot of negative things in this reply, but I want you to know that I know exactly how you feel, it is a shock, but the truth is, if you're happy with her, and you think things will work out, then you need to appreciate the fact that maybe she has found something in you that has made her feel secure and wanted. I really hope that you can get beyond your worries.

How you deal with this is up to you, my advice, for what its worth, is take your time, think things through, and ask yourself why you reacted so badly. If you can figure it out, and come to terms with it, you can be happy with her, if you can't, then it will always piss you off when you're together and she says hello to some guy she knows, it will eat away at you.

Merkin

You shouldn't ask a question you don't want to know or can't handle the answer to! It never ceases to amaze me the frequency of threads on this issue in PI. It is actually nobody else's business how many partners a person has had so I think it very unfair to probe and then castigate someone for being honest. Conversations like that don't benefit anyone.

Rubylolz

Ye are two years together - dont drag up the past... she's with you now an thats all that should matter

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Tbh I wouldn't give a sh*te how many sexual partners any girl had had. If you enjoy each other's company, you're attracted to each other then what does it matter?

Legs.Eleven

Merkin wrote: »

You shouldn't ask a question you don't want to know or can't handle the answer to! It never ceases to amaze me the frequency of threads on this issue in PI. It is actually nobody else's business how many partners a person has had so I think it very unfair to probe and then castigate someone for being honest. Conversations like that don't benefit anyone.

There's something very masochistic about it. Usually those who ask the question can't handle the response.

username123

HmmmGuy wrote: »

People can say what they like about "sex is fun", "if it was a man he'd be a legend" and all the other stupid comments that people say about sexual equality, but the fact is women are seen as different to men. It might not be fair, it might not even make sense, but believe me, no man wants to find out his girlfriend has had a large number of sexual partners.

No, only some idiots think this. Ive come across my fair share of men who applied double standards to sex in my time, did I continue to date them? You must be joking, who wants to date someone with hang ups like that!

Newsflash: Women like sex too.

Chara1001

As a woman from reading this thread, I can't see why a girl would be honest about her number. My first boyfriend had had a lot of sex before I met him, and I didn't care. But I can guarantee that if the numbers reversed he bl**dy well would have. Same with my last boyfriend, and every one in between.

Why am I so sure? Well part of the problem was with the guys I chose, but part was when they talked about things like 'differences between men and women' and in hindsight had a fundamental problem with girls they knew that 'slept around', calling them names, even though they might have been with them in the past.

A few of the posts here give the impression that if you're too honest, and your boyfriend deems your number to be too high, you leave yourself vulnerable to them thinking about 'how many dicks', loose morals and a lack of confidence masquerading as not being emotionally involved about sex- suspicions arise about your character and your life choices. Suspicions that weren't there before that suddenly appear when a number is said that a partner doesn't like.

I feel that now as an adult woman, that if someone dared judge me on my sexual past, they would never see me again. But I also know that I will NEVER tell any potential partner some of the finer details because I will NOT open myself to a character assassination in a moment of vulnerability or honesty.

Op, I don't know what to tell you. You shouldn't have asked

Czarcasm

ShouldLetItGo wrote: »

GF and I got talking as you do and the subject of how many people you slept with came up....

I told her my number which was 8 and half of them in a relationship.

She told me hers which was 20+

This shocked me a little as we met when she was 19 (we are going out bout 2 years and I am 5 years older), is it just me or is that a lot of guys to go through in your teens!

Now I'm no prude and I believe girls should be allowed to have just as much fun as guys but this sort of sickened me a little...

Her attitude is was she was not proud of it but shamed by it either, she was concerned what I thought but didn't regret it

I have this niggling and funny feeling in my stomach over it, I want it to go away but it wont, its bugging me

I love my gf and I am more ranting anonymously hoping to make myself stop obsessing over this, why is this bothering me so much and somebody tell me something to make me feel better! I am in no way a jealous person and not uptight but I feel like a disapproving old fart

I want this to stop bothering, been nearly a week.

AbitBetter wrote: »

OP here,

Firstly thanks for all the replies.

Some of the posts have me feeling a little better today and put things into perspective.

I thought a lot after reading the first two replies. Why is it bothering me so much...

I think a little naivety on my part with the number of sexual partners women have maybe...

but my gf is shy, lacks a little confidence (even though she shouldn't) and wouldn't have half the sex drive I have so I guess the number really shocked me and puzzled me, do I know her as well as I think...

my mind really has run away with itself here

I'm older, I'm more experienced in everything really, with travel work education and she likes that about me but all of a sudden I felt inexperienced... the status quo disturbed

then I thought 20+ guys is 20+ different techniques, bodies, dicks! I'm starting to turn into some insecure jealous weirdo which just isn't me. how do I rate in this, one of these guys were older than I am now.

I shouldn't of asked, I'm sorry I asked. But then you can't help yourself.

in my mind she is perfect, she is perfect, except for this because of my craziness.

I know I am being stupid, I'm not here for a solution but for a rant/chat to get it off my chest.

I cant talk to her about this. I don't want to hurt her feelings, I don't want to come across as so pathetic and insecure so that's why I'm here.

you want her to be exclusive in your head, nobody wants a virgin either but within reason. my number felt low, does that make me seem undesirable to her?

The STI thing is something already done. Both ok there. I've always practiced safe sex though and I never take anyone else's word for it.

I feel terrible because I have been a bit off with her these past few days, she has no idea why and she doesn't deserve it. I just need to get over this

thanks for listening guys

Just highlighted a few points for you in both your posts OP. You answer your own question so many times, but you just don't want to recognise the answer -

It's not that you're a prude or any other labels and yada yada, it's that you don't like having to cope with feeling inferior in any way, shape or form. The reason you're now upset is not just because the status quo has been upset, but because your girlfriend has "outdone" you so to speak in just one aspect of how you both stack up to each other in all the areas that matter to you - age, confidence, life experience, education, employment, travel, and of course, sexuality. That's why you now feel like a prude old fart, because your confidence in yourself is after taking a knock, actually not just a knock, but a right kicking in the worst way possible from your perspective - somebody else got there before you, may have been more experienced than you sexually (did you really drill down into it to the point where she had to give you details like one guy was older than you?), and from your perspective, the fact that she could have one up on you at all has your ego take a woeful mental battering.

You're applying a dangerous double standard tbh - one standard for yourself, and one standard for others, and as long as you come out on top in every aspect that matters to you, everythings all gravy and the status quo is maintained.

There's no polite, nice or roundabout way to say this to you OP other than this goes way beyond just the number of sexual partners you've both had, and it is YOUR issue, it wouldn't matter if your girlfriend had sex with less than 20 men, as long as it wasn't more than your eight. Would you feel any different if she was more well educated than you, or had travelled more than you, or earned more than you? It probably wouldn't get to you as much, but sex? The one aspect you pride yourself on so much, your "number", your "higher sex drive", your "more sexually experienced"... and yet because she has had a higher "number" of sexual partners than you, suddenly you can't look at her the same way any more?

I don't know if you can or will get over this OP tbh, because it would require you to change your whole outlook on life and how you view other people and the values and standards you have for yourself that as long as nobody can compete with you, you can avoid being made to feel inferior - the very essence of insecurity. The issue has less to do with how you view your girlfriend in terms of how she stacks up to you, and more to do with how you view yourself as a person, your own insecurities within yourself. These are the things you need to think about and not yours or your girlfriend's "number" if you really want your relationship to work out in the long term.

Brussels Sprout

I read an interesting book last year called Human Instinct by Robert Winston. The premise of the book is how the rapid advancements in our lifestyles in the last 5,000 years has completely outstripped the evolutionary advancements in the human body. In other words we're all cavemen and cavemen especially when it comes to our most basic emotions.

So anyway there's a chapter on sex and sexual relationships and the author makes the point that biologically the main goal of humans is to reproduce. Back in paleolithic times when a woman became pregnant her mate would have to provide food and security for her and her baby. This obviously required a large amount of extra work for him and the reason he was doing it was because the child was his. From an evolutionary point of view the very worst thing for a man therefore would be if a woman was impregnated by another but that he then believed the child to be his as he'd be expending his resources without actually passing on his own genes. (as an aside: the very worst thing for a woman would be to be abandoned by her partner as this could mean death).

So the point of all this is that the reason a lot of men all over the world have hangups about women's sex lives is down to the way that they're hardwired. (It's also the same reason why a lot of wives of wealthy men are willing to look the other way when their husbands are unfaithful just so long as they continue to keep up the pretence of a marriage and provide for them and their children).

So OP if you feel funny about it then I don't think there's anything actually wrong with you but as others have said she's with you now and that's all that matters.

dannyc31

OP as the previous poster has said, you are feeling sickened by what you have learnt because from an evolutionary point of view, the numbers should actually be reveresed that is, its not an evolutionary advantage for a woman to sleep with as many men as possible with the chance of being impregnated every time due to the fact that a woman will only produce a limited number of eggs in a life time, therefore the natural instinct of a woman is to be as selective as possible and choose the guy who will give her the healthiest off spring and is likely to hang around as a father.

on the other hand men produce billions of sperm in a life time so the advantage for him is to attempt to sleep with as many women as possible maximizing his chances of passing on his genes. there are many examples throughout history where this has been taken to extremes, genghis khan was said to have produced over 800 children with multiple wives.

anyway what i'd say is there are certain things people should just not ask in a relationship. what good does it do anyway asking this question? chances are a woman will either tell the truth or under estimate her number where-as for a man you will most likely have to divide the number by 2 for men who are sickened by their gf's revealing such a high number, theres a sense of damaged pride, which is happening on an unconscious level.

but as some else said just avoid bringing this up again and move on from it. she is with you now for the right reasons and once you feel she is being totally honest with you about how she feels and want only you, then leave the rest in the past were it belongs.

Stavro Mueller

Wow...this thread has taken a slightly surreal turn!

No matter what any of us say here, only you can decide whether you can live with knowing your girlfriend's numbers. There is a danger that this will eat away at you and destroy what seems to have been a perfectly good relationship. So it's up to you to either come to terms with this soon or let her go.

Chara1001

Yep, that's exactly what I mean:
Excuses and justifications:

'Men are evolutionary hardwired to attempt to reproduce with as many women as possible to further their genes'. It doesn't make 'evolutionary sense' for women to try to impregnate herself with as many men as possible... etc etc.... its natural for men to have lots of sex and it's not for women.... etc etc, a woman should not have a larger number than her partner, the numbers should be reversed...etc....

Pseudo scientific justifications as to why it's essentially wrong for a women to have had a larger number of sexual partners than her partner would like.

We don't live 5000 years ago. i don't care about cavemen 5000 years ago, and to out-rationalize me with the logic that you're still a caveman underneath?? No. Just. No.
People can now have sex with an almost zero chance of pregnancy, they couldn't do that 5000 years ago. With that logic, would you agree that there's no point in having sex with a woman on the pill because you're not going to maximize your chances of procreating?

Brussels Sprout

Chara1001 wrote: »

We don't live 5000 years ago. i don't care about cavemen 5000 years ago, and to out-rationalize me with the logic that you're still a caveman underneath?? No. Just. No.
People can now have sex with an almost zero chance of pregnancy, they couldn't do that 5000 years ago. With that logic, would you agree that there's no point in having sex with a woman on the pill because you're not going to maximize your chances of procreating?

Well from an evolutionary point of view no there wouldn't be but nobody goes around making all of their day to day decisions based on that. We have sex in that scenario because it feels good. However if you go a step further, the reason it feels good is because we're programmed to want sex because it is the means of reproduction.

I don't want to derail the thread discussing this but the OP felt a certain feeling that he couldn't explain that unsettled him. I'm offering him a possible source for this feeling. He can hopefully deal with it logically using the advice he's received from others already in this thread.

username123

Brussels Sprout wrote: »

I don't want to derail the thread discussing this but the OP felt a certain feeling that he couldn't explain that unsettled him. I'm offering him a possible source for this feeling. He can hopefully deal with it logically using the advice he's received from others already in this thread.

I think it's far more likely he is suffering from an outdated viewpoint caused by a combination of some immaturity, some sexism, some faint catholic guilt about getting the ride, and maybe an upbringing where it was alluded to or stated that 'nice girls don't'. Possibly a bit of ego bruising that he is less experienced than his missus. The bro science seems less likely IMO.

Chara1001

Personally I find your reasoning too simplistic, BS. Where do gay people fit in to your thesis? Or those that don't want children?

Ok, I agree that I don't want to derail the op's thread either, but it makes for an interesting debate.

Anyway op, my advice would be not to bring it up with her under any circumstances. But I guess you might have made the right move bringing it up here instead?

Big Bag of Chips

anyway as you said its an interesting debate but this is'nt the place for debates.

You said it!

This is not the place for general discussion on evolution. Stick to offering advice to the OP on his particular issue, not what Darwin or Robert Winston, or anyone else has written books about! Plenty of other boards here for getting into that sort of discussion!

Cheers.

dannyc31, apologies - I edited your post in error rather than posting this as a new post. That is why your last post has been deleted.

beks101

Sounds like a bruised ego problem on your part OP, as opposed to any wrong-doing on your girlfriend's part.

As you yourself alluded to, you're used to being the "more experienced" / "older and wiser" one in this relationship; perhaps a motivation that dictated your choice of partner in that she's significantly younger than you.

It sounds like that's become an important dynamic in your relationship, and one that's being challenged now that you've discovered your girlfriend has had more sexual partners than you.

That's what you should be taking a closer look at here, rather than your gf's sexual history - one which we all have and one which is entirely irrelevant to your current relationship.

Fridge

Sorry if this comes across as harsh, but OP, if after all the advice given here you're still not able to handle it, maybe just break up with her and let her be with someone who can handle it. You might be more comfortable with someone who also believes women should have fewer partners.

Holsten

You should never ask if you can't handle the real answer.

I don't think you will stop thinking about it, if you think the number is too high then it's too high for you end of story, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I'd advise you to make a decision, can you live with it or not? Will it be there annoying you all the time? If not then end the relationship.

I have never asked and simply don't want that information.

TerrorFirmer

AbitBetter wrote: »

in my mind she is perfect, she is perfect, except for this because of my craziness.

Firstly, no-one here, hopefully, is here to dismiss what you're feeling. I sure am not, believe me. Not because its illogical, but because it's a basic emotion a lot of us go through, and thus, why such similar questions appear time and time again on PI.

I will admit, that in previous relationships, that I was thrown off by mere numbers. I'm not going to dress it up, relationships with the best people in my life have fallen apart because I was obsessed with these figures, as if they were government records on file forever more, that defined my worth. I think it's one of those alpha male constructs bred in us subconsciously in society.

Now that I'm older, I look back with the utmost shame that I ever felt that way. I can now look back on those times and confidently tell myself, however regretful, that I was pandering to a huge lie that did nothing but grievously obstruct my chances at being happy.

I was you, once upon a time, and it lead to the ruin of the relationships I had with some of the most perfect women I had ever met, simply because I couldn't see past the subconscious macho expectation society had built up surrounding men.

Now that I'm older, I can confidently assure you that it doesn't matter. We're all just people, male and female alike, and we all want the same thing - just to be loved, to find someone special - that's all, for the most part, we all all want.

Hope everything works out with the girl, really do. Good luck.

Potatoeman

To be fair if its something you have an issue with then you should not need to justify it. Everyone has hangups and I know women that would never date guys that sleep around too. I know one girl disgusted by one night stands but has dated loads of guys. You need to decide how important it is to you.

Idbatterim

Sounds like a bruised ego problem on your part OP, as opposed to any wrong-doing on your girlfriend's part.

No ones saying she has done wrong, I dont care what anyone says, it is a high number for that age & I can understand from where the OP is coming from...

To be fair if its something you have an issue with then you should not need to justify it.

This!