First Relationship - Overwhelmed and worried

LegacyUser

So I'm female, 26 and in my first proper relationship. I have been seeing a lovely guy now for about four months and he is amazing, I am mad about him. He has had three previous long-term relationships. He's very much a serious relationship kinda guy. He was serious with me from the very beginning and very direct and up front about what he wanted, which I found extremely overwhelming because I had only ever casually dated before.

Anyway, I've started to settle into the relationship now but I do feel a bit on edge about it too. I find myself constantly wondering about his feelings and my feelings and if we'll break up etc. I worry that he is losing interest fairly consistently and then I resolve to 'pull back' a bit. To be honest, I think I am really really scared by it all.

Anyway, a very good mutual friend told me while drunk that he had admitted to never really feeling 'it' with his ex-girlfriend and how he wasn't happy with her. This was 2 years before they even broke up. Ever since, I've been completely paranoid that he is only with me to be in a relationship and that he can't really have feelings for me.

I am wrecking my own head, constantly googling 'what is love' etc and reading relationship advice forums. I have no idea how to relax. I am terrified he is going to lose interest and dump me or that he is only going through the motions and just wants to be in a relationship!

How do I sort my head out???

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I don't have much advice for you, just wanted to reply because I'm in a similar situation. first relationship and constantly on edge just waiting for him to throw out the old 'it's not you it's me' speil, even though he's given me no reason to.

I suppose for me it boils down to having a lot of insecurities within myself. I suppose I'd met a lot of absolute D**ks while dating and I guess I'd given up all hope of ever meeting a nice, honest, kind guy and now that I've found one, the thought of ever having to go back and wade through the ocean of messers and time wasters again is heart breaking. I'd always found the 20 something dating scene soul destroying but now that I've realised just how green the grass is on the other side, the thought of getting kicked back out is so so scary.

That being said OP the way I've being handling it is just to take it one day at a time. Just focus on enjoying the time ye spend together. Be yourself, absolutely do not 'pull back'. I know the instinct is to try and protect yourself from hurt but no one can say if the relationship will last or not, only time will tell. I've been looking at it from the point of view of well I've fallen for him so the damage is done, if the relationship has an end point so be it, it's too late now anyway, if there's heartbreak in the future, I'm going to damn well enjoy the perks of being in a relationship now, cos I know what I have to go back to!

I wouldn't worry about the ex gf OP, hindsight is great, I know I've gone on dates with some guys for way longer that I should have and it was only after I stopped dating them I realised how wrong they were for me. It's only when you've stepped back from the situation you see these things.

OP I guess as hard as it is to do, the only way to relax (and this goes for me too) is to have a little more self worth, how do you know he's not thinking the exact same things about you? How do you know you won't be the one who will lose interest in him in the future? ..You deserve a relationship just as much as anyone, you're as worthy of a relationship as anyone else, he obviously believes that too or he wouldn't be your boyfriend. So just do your best to enjoy it while you both want it to last

CaraMay

It really won't be the end of the world if he does finish with you op but you are wasting time you could be enjoying about worrying what might be.

Another thing which is important is to remember that the first few months are to assess whether or not he is right for you. If you are constantly trying to impress him then you are not taking time to to decide if he is a good fit for you.

You also might need to take the view that he is just not right for you and that's why you have these worries. It could be nothing to do with the fact that's it's your first relationship, maybe it's just not the relationship for you.

Tbh it sounds exhausting and can't be good for your health so maybe you should consider moving on and meeting someone you feel more secure with.

loalae

Could you tell him about your insecurities?

I know you probably feel like it would come across as needy and that being insecure is "bad". But you are just as important in this relationship as he is and so are your needs and feelings.

If you sort out in your own head what you need reassurance about and then address it with him you'll give him the chance to redeem himself in your eyes. Keeping quiet and letting this feeling take over will only make you feel more insecure which will change your behaviour to either jealous girlfriend or cold girlfriend which could result in him losing interest so the whole thing turns into a self-fulfilling prophesy. If it turns out that he's not that keen on you surely it's better to find that out now before you get too attached.

Ah_Yeah

CaraMay wrote: »

Tbh it sounds exhausting and can't be good for your health so maybe you should consider moving on and meeting someone you feel more secure with.

Can't say I agree with this. As an insecure person myself, it is nothing to do with my boyfriend that I feel so insecure, it is all me. He gives me no reason to feel insecure, it is irrational thinking that leads to this. I could feel this way with anyone, regardless of how secure they try to make me feel. It's a bit black and white to say if the OP doesn't feel secure then she should just break up with her bf.

OP,relationships are a learning curve, and if this is your first one then there's lots to learn, including not fretting so much as it is a real drain on your energy, and absolutely not changing the situation in any way (only to make you feel more anxious).

I find that I have a physical trigger when I get anxious (heart beating faster, stomach flips) which allows me to catch myself, take a step back and acknowledge that I am becoming worried or anxious. If you can recognise your physical trigger (or anything that alerts you to the start of this worrying), that's the first step to controlling it. Once you have recognised that you are becoming anxious, take a step back and think about why you are REALLY fretting - what are your beliefs about you/him/the relationship that make you think this way? Once you have identified this, you can begin to rationalise and challenge this thinking by using facts, previous situations in your relationship that disprove your thinking, and logic that would make this potential situation unrealistic.

I'd highly recommend the book "Change your Thinking with CBT" or "The Little CBT Workbook" to give you some guidance on challenging irrational thinking.

And I would also echo what another poster says about talking to your boyfriend - not "I'm afraid you're going to leave me", but that belief system behind this thinking.

You'll get there