Don't stick up for myself

LegacyUser

The problem is in the title and now in my 40th year it's become a huge issue. It wasn't always an issue but my last relationship which ended almost 6 years ago was fairly abusive and I lost all self worth during it. I never told anybody the full extent of how much he hurt me. I went from being a stunning happy girl to completely letting myself go and having no love for life. The other issue to arise is that I hate confrontation and will let people treat me as they please and not stick up for myself. I sooner walk away and isolate myself. This has made me a very lonely person but I have to do it to protect myself. I could spend an entire weekend lying on my bed crying because somebody said something nasty to me rather than turning around and telling that person it's not acceptable.

In recent years I have become a complete doormat. I tip-toe around people so as not to upset them yet they don't share the same concern for me and treat me how they please. This usually results in people feeling they can say/do what they like which has recently extended to my siblings.

I suffered a huge bereavement last year and between making the funeral arrangements and the following weeks/months trying to get things tied up I found myself being pushed around and criticized over the smallest things that wasn't even my doing. Rather than putting my foot down and causing a scene, I sat quietly and let them target me. This in turn caused me great distress as I then began to allocate blame to myself.

I have a decent enough job. I'm at management level and have good control over my teams. I create a happy environment for them and give it 110%. The minute I step out of work I'm a very different person. I spend my time having to double think every move I make in life in case it draws somebody on me or upsets somebody. I've isolated myself a lot.

I go to counselling since the bereavement and while I have discussed it there, It doesn't make things any better. I can't see a bright future, just an existence.

Little Acorn

Hi Op,

If your current counsellor specialises in bereavement maybe you could possibly also start seeing a different one on a different day. You could check with citizens information and also your local health board to see if there is free counselling available in your area if it is too expensive. Maybe a counsellor or organisation who specialises in people who have been abused in their relationship.

Around the country there are places called Family Life Centres and Family Resource Centres. Sometimes these places run classes on building up assertiveness. Classes can be free in some if you can't afford (you can make a small donation if you like), or probably not very expensive in some as well. You could investigate to see if any in your area are running such a course.

Even if not in one of these places, you should check around for personal development courses that may be in your area. Assertiveness Skills or something similar might be a good one to choose. I don't know where you are located but a quick google shows up a few such courses around the country: https://www.google.ie/search?q=personal+development+course+assertivness&oq=personal+development+course+assertivness&aqs=chrome..69i57.14508j0j7&sourceid=chrome&espv=210&es_sm=93&ie=UTF-8#q=personal+development+course+assertiveness&spell=1

Aside from assertiveness it might be an idea to ask your counsellor for strategies on how to rebuild your self esteem. You mentioned that you feel you used to look great but now feel like you've let yourself go,maybe this is playing a role in the lack of confidence although your counsellor would be able to advise you best on what is causing this lack of self worth you seem to be experiencing.

There are possibly some books also that might give some good advice on sticking up for yourself. You could ask for some recommendations here on boards or check out some reviews online.

You are able to manage a whole team of people at work effectively so I don't doubt for a second that you have the inner strength to work through this. It might mean starting out very small such as saying "No" or "I'm sorry but I can't I'm busy" to some minor things that people annoy you with to gradually building up to using some of your professional assertive language with people who are rude to you outside of work such as "you don't have any right to speak to me in that manner, it is completely unacceptable and I'm not going to stand here and listen to it", or when people are criticizing you over something that is not your fault you could maybe say something like, "excuse me, I'll stop you right there. That incident had nothing whatsoever to do with me, so please get your facts correct before you come around here accusing me of things I have not done".

I wish you the best, and believe you can change this. Good luck.

Pissy Missy

Do you think changing counsellors might benefit you? I've been to counsellors before for personal issues involving hitting rock bottom after a stressful time, i found one counsellor was lovely but I didn't feel my needs were been met, so after going to a different counsellor, i felt there was a really good rapport between us which I believe made a huge difference.

Also AWARE give training called Life Skills Programmes that are based on the principles of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a therapy that focuses on thinking and behaviour and has been shown to be an effective treatment for mild to moderate depression, stress and/or anxiety.

http://www.aware.ie/life-skills/

I think it's great you want to make a change and I hope positive things will follow! The song 'hero' by Mariah Carey i think can be inspiring for difficult times like this. Wish you the best of luck!;)