Appropriate cash gift?

Pennythoughts

Another wedding gift question....

My brother in law is getting married in a few weeks time and my mother in law asked us at lunch how much we are giving as their wedding gift (not that's it's any of her business)! Other half and me hadn't talked it over until now but as the topic came up we discovered we can't really agree on an appropriate gift.

As a guide We usually give €300 to close family members but for this wedding we are giving our car to be used as the wedding car-and are very happy to see them use it, my husband is chauffeur for the day and we are paying to have it fully valeted. Now because we have to travel the night before (we are nearly 5 hours away and husband must be ready to drive the bride) we are paying 2 nights in the rather expensive hotel. I thought taking those costs into account we could give a little less than usual. Husband thinks that it looks very mean if we gave his sister 300 & dont give the same to his brother.

What do people think? I would love to give more if we had the spare cash but I thought maybe giving €150ish would be fine given the cost of the valeting and that. My husband thinks his brother &future sister in law won't even consider the extra costs and will just think we are stingy.

Would like to hear some impartial opinions anyone has?

Toast4532

I can see your husbands point of view, but I can see yours too and if giving them €300 or more means you yourselves will be strapped for cash, then I would give them what I can afford, whether it be €300 or €130.

You give what you can afford to give, not what others expect you to give.

Honestly, I would tell the MIL to mind her own business in future what you give or don't give is nobody's business but yours, she had some cheek to ask such a question. :mad:

Gatica

yeah, it's very rude to ask people what they're giving as cash gift, the nerve!

I totally get what you guys are thinking. If his brother won't take into account all the trouble you're going to over working as chauffeur at their wedding, then that's their problem.
Maybe find a way to word it nicely in the card? I'm bad at this so someone may come up with a better suggestion, but something along the lines of here's just a little bit of an extra gift on your special day, or whatever, so they realise that the cash gift is just another gift and not one single gift.
And anyway, why would they know what you gave the sister? It almost sounds like this family discusses cash a bit more openly than many other groups of people, which is why it may feel awkward for your husband.

Pennythoughts

Toast4532 wrote: »

I can see your husbands point of view, but I can see yours too and if giving them €300 or more means you yourselves will be strapped for cash, then I would give them what I can afford, whether it be €300 or €130.

You give what you can afford to give, not what others expect you to give.

Honestly, I would tell the MIL to mind her own business in future what you give or don't give is nobody's business but yours, she had some cheek to ask such a question. :mad:

My mother in law is probably the most intrusive individual I have ever met but over the years I have become an expert at avoiding any direct answers to her questions

Being honest we would be able to stretch to giving them the €300 but it would be a bit of a push for us at the moment. I am really fond of his brother so its not down to any reluctance to spend the money on him or anything, I suppose it is just down to trying to find a balance so we arn't putting ourselves under too much pressure.

I was a bit annoyed with my mother in law yesterday after her question so my poor hubby probably bore the brunt of my temper in relation to the wedding gift last night. Feeling more even-tempered on the subject this morning :P

farfallaa

Hmm well then give 200 euro and mention all the extras nicely (with a little bit of humor) in the card

Pennythoughts

Gatica wrote: »

yeah, it's very rude to ask people what they're giving as cash gift, the nerve!

I totally get what you guys are thinking. If his brother won't take into account all the trouble you're going to over working as chauffeur at their wedding, then that's their problem.
Maybe find a way to word it nicely in the card? I'm bad at this so someone may come up with a better suggestion, but something along the lines of here's just a little bit of an extra gift on your special day, or whatever, so they realise that the cash gift is just another gift and not one single gift.
And anyway, why would they know what you gave the sister? It almost sounds like this family discusses cash a bit more openly than many other groups of people, which is why it may feel awkward for your husband.

That is a great idea about working it into the card. I never thought of that. Definitely need to have a think about how we might word it but many thanks for the idea.

My husbands family are very open about money. But, they seem to judge the value of a relationship on the amount of a gift given. I think it comes from their mother as whether its a wedding, christening, birthday or christmas she will always try to find out who gave what and how much that would have cost. It's infuriating! My sister in law told everyone she met about the generosity and otherwise of all her guests so it is expected that she told the family about our wedding gift to her.

Pennythoughts

farfallaa wrote: »

Hmm well then give 200 euro and mention all the extras nicely (with a little bit of humor) in the card

I was thinking that this morning after the idea that Gatica gave. I just need to think of a nice way to word it now....... any ideas will be more than welcome

Gatica

Yikes, it's a family thing then. I guess such family discussions may make it difficult on those who cannot afford to give a lot and it's rather unfair.

Are they non-Irish? It's just that in some cultures it's quite normal to discuss money openly and inquire about things we find crass in our society here.
I've known people in Russia for example to enquire about wages and average spends, whereas I would never dream of asking someone something like that here. I've also heard off friends that in the states (though I dunno if that's actually true everywhere there) it's expected to give in the region of $1000 to close relatives whether you've a job or not and some people even take out loans to do this.

Hannibal Smith

If they are an open family re money I would give the same as I gave to the sister. The only time I'd take money off a gift for travel and hotel is if they were a friend and I had to leave the country.

The use of the car is more a favour and nice thing to do rather than a present isn't it? My ex boss chauffeured a colleague in his car for the day...but never took it off the gift and he wasn't a family member.

Either way...as I say...id give the same as I did to the sister

padma

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

If they are an open family re money I would give the same as I gave to the sister. The only time I'd take money off a gift for travel and hotel is if they were a friend and I had to leave the country.

The use of the car is more a favour and nice thing to do rather than a present isn't it? My ex boss chauffeured a colleague in his car for the day...but never took it off the gift and he wasn't a family member.

Either way...as I say...id give the same as I did to the sister

I agree with this. Anything less may seem a bit mean considering 300 is the going rate. As said chauffeur driving is an honour for your husband and I wouldn't be knocking off the price of petrol for driving someone to a church for a wedding.

Gatica

If they just drove up the morning of the wedding and drove her to the hotel, then yes. However, since the OP has to be there the day before specifically to do this and also chauffeur the B&G not only to the hotel but probably to church and then from church to hotel and possibly any photo location in between, then that's beyond just a favour of a spin in the car.
I imagine he's also doing a few things to enable this, like washing and valeting the car, probably waxing it up nice, getting a few ribbons and probably dressing a little nicer or more formal to look the part. He's also now not just a regular guest enjoying himself and having a few drinks like everyone else, but can't drink til the last drop-off and has to be around the car for when he's needed too.

Pennythoughts

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

If they are an open family re money I would give the same as I gave to the sister. The only time I'd take money off a gift for travel and hotel is if they were a friend and I had to leave the country.

The use of the car is more a favour and nice thing to do rather than a present isn't it? My ex boss chauffeured a colleague in his car for the day...but never took it off the gift and he wasn't a family member.

Either way...as I say...id give the same as I did to the sister

The use of the car is of course just a favour and we wouldn't dream of giving less of a present just for that or the petrol cost. My husband is more than happy to be chauffeur for the day and doesn't particularly mind not being able to drink until dinner or that. It is more that we have to stay the extra night in the hotel (which is over €200) and the cost of getting the car professionally valeted which is really adding to the costs for us and was more the reasons for me suggesting a smaller gift.

But I appreciate the opinion that it probably is easiest to give the same as we did his sister.

Pennythoughts

Gatica wrote: »

Yikes, it's a family thing then. I guess such family discussions may make it difficult on those who cannot afford to give a lot and it's rather unfair.

Are they non-Irish? It's just that in some cultures it's quite normal to discuss money openly and inquire about things we find crass in our society here.
I've known people in Russia for example to enquire about wages and average spends, whereas I would never dream of asking someone something like that here. I've also heard off friends that in the states (though I dunno if that's actually true everywhere there) it's expected to give in the region of $1000 to close relatives whether you've a job or not and some people even take out loans to do this.

My husband and family are all Irish. Just not a very typical Irish family it seems :rolleyes:

solerina

I think 300 sounds very generous, If ye cant afford it though that's another problem...however if they family are likely to discuss who gave what and make comparisons then I would give the same as you gave the other family members - just to keep the peace !!!

Moonbeam

I think if you feel 150 is not enough then 200 is way more then enough.
Did they ask you to valet the car etc? If someone was doing that for me I would think it was my present.
My dad borrowed his friends car to bring us to the church and the hotel.

Pennythoughts

solerina wrote: »

I think 300 sounds very generous, If ye cant afford it though that's another problem...however if they family are likely to discuss who gave what and make comparisons then I would give the same as you gave the other family members - just to keep the peace !!!

We could just about afford it but it would be a stretch. My husband is very much of the same opinion as you in that it's better to be broke for a month or two than put up with family strife.

Moonbeam wrote: »

I think if you feel 150 is not enough then 200 is way more then enough.
Did they ask you to valet the car etc? If someone was doing that for me I would think it was my present.
My dad borrowed his friends car to bring us to the church and the hotel.

Yes they did ask us to get it fully valeted. It's their wedding car so they want to see it sparkling, which I agree it should be for the photos and all that.

padma

End of the day it's his brothers wedding, so a nice gift throughout the day driving them around and then a fat envelope is a good way to see them off.

smallerthanyou

Do Not Give what you can't comfortably afford. Its a gift, you should feel good giving it and not have to tighten belts for a few months. 200 is loads. The sibling if they have and kind of sense won't be comparing cash gifts and giving out about 'only' getting 200. Tacky.

BlackEdelweiss

Buy them a cool present for about 150 quid, get something made that is personal to them then the mother in law can't find out how much it cost either.

BlackEdelweiss

Buy them a cool present for about 150 quid, get something made that is personal to them then the mother in law can't find out how much it cost either.

Gatica

If they asked you to valet the car then they should be aware that it's not just a bit of a favour, but a gift to them, since you're going to expense over this.
One of my friends made the wedding cake for a couple of our friends' weddings we've been to and both times she'd said that it was their wedding gift (though her husband didn't bake it). I'm pretty certain, though I didn't ask, that the couples getting married did not expect cash gifts on top of this nor do I think did she give them or at least not much.

Give what you can reasonably afford, it's crazy to be sucking it up for a couple of months on a very tight budget just cos this family is insistent on scrutinising who gives what amount. Giving a bought gift is a good idea, but I'd be careful with that since seeing as how the sister has openly discussed those who gave "little" cash, who knows whether the brother and MIL won't do the same again, and sure if they don't see the car as being a good gift they may think the same of an item rather than a full-envelope.

solerina

Yes they did ask us to get it fully valeted. It's their wedding car so they want to see it sparkling, which I agree it should be for the photos and all that


Well that's a bit much...I used my own car for my wedding car and all I did was get it washed in the local garage the day before....then I dusted it and hovered it myself...I would say give them whatever cash present ye can afford, lend them the car but if they want it professionally valeted let them pay for that themselves !!!!!

Sand Wedge

In my opinion I would give the €300 as present. Make sure to give them the present a few days before the wedding day. That way they will know that you have given them €300. If they think that it is too much on top of the car you are providing, they may then offer you something for the use of the car on the day and you can accept same without feeling any guilt or they maybe even will pay a bit towards your hotel. Then again they might just accept the €300 gift but at least you are giving them a few days to think about the generosity that you are bestowing on them. Again this is just my opinion.

Gatica

I think that's fine for someone who can afford to do that with their money. Someone who cannot afford it, shouldn't have to feel pressured to give beyond their means.

Moonbeam

Gatica wrote: »

I think that's fine for someone who can afford to do that with their money. Someone who cannot afford it, shouldn't have to feel pressured to give beyond their means.

I agree.

You have to cost of thee xtra night in the hotel and the valeting and if you are not loaded that is alot of extra cash to fork out on top of the normal costs of attending a wedding.

Sligo1

Op do you really have to fully valet the car?? Tbh €300 is a great gift to give. That's what each of my family all gave us. But I wouldn't have requested them to get their cars fully valeted! My 2 brothers drove me and also the bridal party in their car and also my car. A clean on the outside and a vacum on the inside and bam €15-20 all the cars were as good as new! The cars were spotless. A full valet can cost anything over €100! I'd nearly post a pic of my car on the day to show just how shining it was for the quick clean it had!

Pennythoughts

Hello,

Thanks to everyone for the replies. It was great to get some impartial opinions.

smallerthanyou wrote: »

Do Not Give what you can't comfortably afford. Its a gift, you should feel good giving it and not have to tighten belts for a few months. 200 is loads. The sibling if they have and kind of sense won't be comparing cash gifts and giving out about 'only' getting 200. Tacky.

I agree that gifts should be something you comfortably can afford. I normally have a budget and stick to it but it is just the guilt thing about it being a family wedding that had us contemplating stretching ourselves.

Gatica wrote: »

If they asked you to valet the car then they should be aware that it's not just a bit of a favour, but a gift to them, since you're going to expense over this.
One of my friends made the wedding cake for a couple of our friends' weddings we've been to and both times she'd said that it was their wedding gift (though her husband didn't bake it). I'm pretty certain, though I didn't ask, that the couples getting married did not expect cash gifts on top of this nor do I think did she give them or at least not much.

Give what you can reasonably afford, it's crazy to be sucking it up for a couple of months on a very tight budget just cos this family is insistent on scrutinising who gives what amount. Giving a bought gift is a good idea, but I'd be careful with that since seeing as how the sister has openly discussed those who gave "little" cash, who knows whether the brother and MIL won't do the same again, and sure if they don't see the car as being a good gift they may think the same of an item rather than a full-envelope.

Gatica and Edeilweiss, the idea of a gift is great as it would "hide" the amount paid for it but very hard to know what they would like. I would be very different to the bride-to-be and so would be wary that I might get something she/they hate. If I knew or found something though it would be the perfect answer!

solerina wrote: »

Yes they did ask us to get it fully valeted. It's their wedding car so they want to see it sparkling, which I agree it should be for the photos and all that


Well that's a bit much...I used my own car for my wedding car and all I did was get it washed in the local garage the day before....then I dusted it and hovered it myself...I would say give them whatever cash present ye can afford, lend them the car but if they want it professionally valeted let them pay for that themselves !!!!!

Sligo1 wrote: »

Op do you really have to fully valet the car?? Tbh €300 is a great gift to give. That's what each of my family all gave us. But I wouldn't have requested them to get their cars fully valeted! My 2 brothers drove me and also the bridal party in their car and also my car. A clean on the outside and a vacum on the inside and bam €15-20 all the cars were as good as new! The cars were spotless. A full valet can cost anything over €100! I'd nearly post a pic of my car on the day to show just how shining it was for the quick clean it had!

Sligo1 and Solerina I think it is a great idea to use your own car for the day. Although it might be hard to sell it in years to come with the sentimental memories of going to and from the ceremony!! To be honest I think a good wash would make our car look really well as my husband keeps the inside really clean and tidy. If it was just a basic wash/polish and hoover we would do that ourselves anyways without a second thought as to cost but they have been very particular in stating they want it "fully valeted". They haven't offered to pay for it so we would basically have to ask them for the money or give them the bill which I can't really see us doing. I'm not great at being that direct about matters.

Moonbeam wrote: »

I agree.

You have to cost of thee xtra night in the hotel and the valeting and if you are not loaded that is alot of extra cash to fork out on top of the normal costs of attending a wedding.

Yes, it is more than we had hoped to have to spend. I think it may be that they haven't thought about the cost of the additional night in the hotel on top of the valet... or else they were choosing to be oblivious to it.

We have come to a compromise in the past few day, my mother-in-law being the surprising answer to our dilemma. She was on the phone being inquisitive and asked about the ribbons to be put on the car. In the course of conversation I said I had the ribbon&the valet sorted. Of course, she wanted to know what it cost and for once I gladly told her. Now that family are aware of the cost associated with the car we are going to give €200 on top and hubby and I have agreed if that's then considered mean so be it. We are not going to push ourselves into debt for it.

Thanks again to all the posters who took the time to reply.